To go for bb#2 or not - opinions, please.

CheezeFace · August 2013

So, I'm an older mom and I need to make this decision pretty quickly. Here's where my head is at this moment:

1.) I've never been happier. I love being a SAHM and am still able to work from home. I feel like I'm contributing to my family but I'm still here for all the little and big stuff. I have never been content - EVER - the way I am now. I love doing the outings with DS everyday, I love the groove we are in together.

2.) I look at moms with toddlers and infants and my insides start to crawl. I don't know if I could handle it. I really don't. Infancy was a nightmare in this house. He was early, screamed for two months straight, had allergies and didn't consistently STTN until around 16 months (albeit - I made quite a few mistakes in this area. Not to be repeated.) Anytime he wakes up at night now, I feel like I'm having a PTSD flashback. It was bad.

3.) I want DS to have a sibling. My relationship with my sisters is one of the most powerful things I have in my life. I don't want him to miss out on that. He also needs to have someone who truly understands how crazy his parents are.

4.) I WANT another baby. The desire for another is just about as strong as it was for the first. When I hold them, I don't want to give them back. I just don't know if I will be as good a mother as I could be if I have two.

5.) Pregnancy was really difficult for me. I worked so hard to get there and pretty much from the moment I got pg, I hated it. I was too grateful/ashamed to admit it at the time but I really despised being pg. (Yes, adoption is on the table for us. It takes so long and there are so many hurdles, etc...We've met with a counselor and an attorney. We had been picked by a mother who changed her mind 2 weeks later....). I don't know if I would be a good mom to my son while I was pg. I was so, so, so, sick.

Any advice, words of wisdom, etc...would be appreciated. Am I over-thinking this?

TIA

mwd · August 2013

I am so happy with 2, but it is harder. You don't make the same mistakes you did with first one, you make different ones. But now you have a support system to help you. My kids are best of friends now.

aglenn · August 2013

Well, I will be honest, having a baby and toddler is not the easiest thing in the world. But thankfully it is brief. We are starting to just barely see the light at the end of the tunnel now (DS is 18 mths) and in retrospect it seems like it all went by pretty fast.

It's obviously a very personal decision and one I struggled with myself. Neither of my kids is very easy, and neither of them sleeps well. At all. I am VERY tired. But I made the decision based on what we wanted for our family in the long run, and for us that meant 2 kids. Good luck with whatever you decide! There is no right or wrong answer and you can have an amazing family either way.

*sparky* · August 2013

DH and I went back and forth on this for a few years. We would rationalize why we should, and then why we shouldn't, and just ended up not doing anything for a long time. Too long, really. Then we finally realized it came down to, we were happy with our family of three, but when we are older and look back on our life we would regret if we had never tried to add another child to our family. I mean, there are certainly reasons to have more children and not too, but I think if anyone overthought it too much they would never have another because let's face it, being PG and then caring for an infant is no picnic. My DS was a bad sleeper too and when he was younger there were so many nights I was so sleep deprived there is no way I would have considered another child.

So all I would say to you know is that if you are still really so much on the fence I would just give it a little more time and the right decision will come to you at some point.

ELF4321 · August 2013

It's such a difficult decision. I struggled with the idea of wanting DD to have a sibling, primarily because of my own experience of losing both of my parents. But the reality is, there are many siblings out there who do not like each other or have anything in common, and would not turn to each other for support. You can't predict that, so I decided that was not a good reason to have a second child.

Like your LO, DD was a terrible sleeper and I can't imagine going through that again. I also can't imagine dealing with a toddler and baby at the same time, even though I know people do it all the time. The infertility issues for us adds another complicating factor since I don't expect to win the lottery twice and we already got our surprise baby with DD. The thought of all the doctor appointments, meds, etc. is not appealing.

One other thing I realized for me is that I don't miss having an infant, I miss having DD as an infant. What I mean is that I realized any feelings of longing I had were not for a baby, but more nostalgia over the fact that I'll never get to experience those stages with DD again. That was a key realization for me. Ultimately, we decided to stick with our original plan of being OAD.

I think the ultimate question you should ask is: will I regret NOT trying for a second child? For us, the answer was "no", but it might be a different answer for you.

happywifemomofone · August 2013

Hi Cheese-Hope you do not mind me commenting on your post here. As most people here know, my oldest will be 21 when this LO is born. He was raised as an only child, that will NEVER change-even with the addition of this baby. This baby will likely be raised alongside my grandchildren-I know different from your situation, but that's not the end of the story. My son was an only because it was an unplanned PG and his father was long-gone from my life. When we started TTC, I was sure that I wanted 2 children close in age.....as we were in the midst of some of the bigger struggles of being OAD.

-Teens want to bring friends everywhere. If you vacation with friends, you loose the family time and the ability to bond together as a family. Becomes you and DH are on vacation and your child and friend are vacationing too.....you loose the experiences of doing things with your child (because they are doing it with their friends) Having siblings helps the family stay together, this togetherness can also be created with cousins of similar ages if you are willing to vacation together and create close family ties with extended family.

-I always worried that my son would not have anyone who truly understood his Mom and would be all alone when I became sick or passed away (a much greater probability when we are starting on this journey at 40+) My husband has a 15 year age gap between him and his Brother, but recently when his mom was sick-they pulled together and neither of them was handling the situation by themselves. As an older parent, it's a reality that the people in your child's life a generation older-could no longer be around to give guidance and support if you are unable to do so yourself. I know that as a parent, the gig is not up at age 18......if you've developed a strong relationship and repore with your child, they will come to you with advice for many years to come. I would much rather my son come to a reliable source who has his best interests in mind than his friends......he often will not do what you suggest, but later you will find that he has done exactly that.

I would not let how hard pregnancy and baby thing is be your determining factor. As I'm sure you already know, those difficult times become a blip in time in the grander scheme of things. Have you looked into surrogacy as an option for adding to your family? Maybe you know someone who might be willing to do this for you, thereby mitigating some of the compensation costs?

jeffrae · September 2013

Just putting it out there, I hated being pregnant too. Dh reminds me all the time how bad pregnancy is to me. These two girls of mine are worth ten months of hell.

so don't feel bad that you don't like being pregnant!

dmndsr4eva · September 2013

I think the sacrifice of a few rough years of pg and infancy is worth it. If I were in your shoes I would choose to have another child. I would LOVE to have another child my son is almost 4 and I just turned 35, but my dilemna is different than yours now because his dad left me. So now I have to decide if I want to have a child from another man. I am in a relationship now and I have to decide if I want him to be a step father to my child and all the things that come with a blended family and I have to decide if I want to risk having another man leave me with a baby. Trust me I would give anything to be able to have my two kids with the same man that I loved. My vote is go for it.

jlw2505 · September 2013

I never wanted an only and neither did DH. I had a very easy 1st pregnancy but my 1st was born with a brain injury (has some learning disabilities but is fine and will lead a totally normal life) and we had to really think about #2. We always knew we would have a #2 but not sure how we would get there. I changed OB's as I felt my 1st, who was great but very old school, was not going to be the right fit if I went the pregnancy way. We did end up having a 2nd on our own and my amazing new OB treated me as a high risk case due to the complications with #1, I had a planned C section and while I had a way harder pregnancy and ended up on bed rest, DD#2 was totally fine. My kids are now 5 1/2 and 7 and in kindy adn 1st grade and while I won't lie and say it was easy at first, it was hard as heck, I would never change it. DD#2 had reflux and puked daily for 11 months even with meds. She was not a great sleeper and is the total opposite of her sister in so many ways. BUT, watching the 2 of them together makes my heart melt. The love and caring for each other is so there even when they fit and do things to bother the other. They will always be there for the other. I would not have my family any other way. Yes, the 1st year or 2 is not easy for most (even if they say it was great and they loved it, it is hard) it is worth it.

CheezeFace · September 2013

Thank you for all of your responses. I feel terrible that I didn't respond right away. Just to keep you updated, we have decided to move forward with an IUI. I received my b/w yesterday and all looks *perfect* so we are ready to move forward. We were going to attempt this month but DH has a business trip that cannot be put off so we will go for it next cycle, possibly mid-October.

We are excited and looking forward to an addition to our little family however, I'm still not looking forward to the actually being pg part. I will just apologize in advance for the extreme whining, anxiety-ridden posts and hormone induced hysteria that is sure to follow in the next few months.:)

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To go for bb#2 or not - opinions, please.

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