How is everyone feeling?

one2andnow3 · August 2013

I know we are all at different stages through this process but I thought if I started a thread we could all get what's bottled up out. I sometimes feel bad for posting about feelings but I know it will help me. Please share so I don't feel alone.

So here mine goes...

I am losing sight of what I want or what I thought I wanted. I am still having a hard time 3 weeks later. I'm trying to take it day to day but I am finding that I am becoming more depressed. I don't care what I eat or drink. I am very irritable and people are getting on my nerves. I want to be alone but no one lets me. I always get asked questions about what's next, are you trying again, how are you feeling. People are making me feel like I have a disability. I am so out of touch with my emotions the best way to describe it is numb. I hope this will get easier with time. I am still praying for all of you here.

ladyjayy90 · August 2013

((Sorry this is really really long))

A week ago yesterday I went to sleep after searching for my baby's heartbeat. I was in the hospital for severe dehydration due to hyperemesis. The night nurse said she couldn't hear it, but assured me it was only because the placenta was in the front, and covering it up. When she returned at 4 am we searched again with the doppler, and continued to search with the help of every nurse on the floor that night. They searched for the next two hours with no luck. All of them told me not to worry yet. They were sure "everything is fine", but they were calling the doctor in to do an ultrasound.. I knew then. Everything in my body knew then. My OB came in at 7:21 AM, did the ultrasound, and just like he was telling me it was raining outside he told me that my baby's heart had stopped beating. Just like that.. 15 hours before it sounded strong and healthy.. and then.. nothing. I still don't understand, and I don't think I ever will. I delivered our baby boy Thursday evening after a day of enduring contractions, a failed epidural, and a terrible reaction to a pain killer they gave me before the epidural. He was 17 weeks and 3 days. I never imagined my life could change overnight. In a room surrounded by my amazing family, and my best friend in the world I held our baby boy, and cried not only for myself, but for his father that is over 700 miles away, and unable to be here.. It's been a week, and I still have not slept more than a few hours per day, I can't stop crying, and I have to force myself to eat. My OB is talking about anti-depressants and sleeping meds. I've fought off depression on my own without the use of medication for the past 5 years. This has pushed me over the edge. I feel like i'm on auto-pilot and only able to perform basic functions because my mind can do them without thinking. Like i'm drowning.. everyone is moving on and forgetting Baby Lucas, and he is all I can think about. Sorry this is so long.. Bless you if you have made it through reading this. I really just needed to get it all out for myself. Actually put it all out there in my own words instead of hearing my family whisper their version to others what happened.. I was hoping that it would help. But I don't feel any different. I just have 100000 more questions about why it happened. How it could have happened. I understand the first two I lost.. they were very early on. Still in the "danger zone", but this one... he was supposed to be perfect. I was past the first trimester, and his heartbeat was always perfect. Everything was always perfect. But now he's just gone.

Allisonrcrook · August 2013

Oh my heart is broken for you! I am so sorry for the loss of your Lucas and can't imagine the turmoil you are going through. I heard my baby's hb only to go back in a week with no growth and a silent hb...my world came crumbling down and I still cry every day. My emotions are of those from accepting God's plan, to sobbing uncontrollably, to being angry, to filling like I'm incomplete. The day they did my d&c they took a piece of my heart and I don't think it will every mend. I just pray one day I can bring home that little angel I pray every night for. May God bless you all and fulfill that emptiness in your hearts!

claywalker · August 2013

I am so sorry that you are all going through this. I will admit, reading your posts helped me feel a little less crazy. After feeling empty and numb, crying randomly and hard, eating like a bird, not sleeping at all last night, and being diagnosed with postpartum depression this morning,.. I seriously thought I was losing it. Probably still am, who knows.

@ladyjayy90, I delivered my son, Calder, naturally as well. I did not get an epidural, but they did give me an IV pain med that gave me a horrendous head rush. When I read your note about the "danger zone" I felt like you were someone I've been talking to over the last 3 weeks. I know that a loss in the 1st trimester would not have been any easier, at all. However, I feel like I wouldn't have been so damn blind sighted by this. After we hit that 12 week mark, I thought I was in the clear. We were blessed that Calder was born with a heartbeat.. it beat for an hour after he was born.. but at the same time it was torture to hold my baby boy until his heart stopped.. knowing there was nothing I could do to save him. I guess I am saying this to let you know that you are not alone, and also as a thank you for sharing your story and feelings.

We will all get through this, somehow, one day at a time.. but I will never understand why we have to go through this.

((hugs))

Jen071407 · August 2013

I'm so, so sorry for everyone's losses. If only we could get our "why?" questions answered.
I had my D&E today, and my mom came down last night to stay with my DDs. On the way to the hospital DH told me my mom asked him if I've been like this since we found out. I'm so numb and disconnected I was shocked to hear that I'm acting differently. I'm very much a pretend nothing's wrong and then I don't have to deal with it kind of coper. DH of course wants me to let it all out but I just don't see the point. I'm heartbroken and quite frankly pissed off, and there's not a dang thing I can do about it. I have a follow up appt with my RE Monday to discuss "the plan." One minute I'm ready to try again ASAP, and the next I think 2 years with this result is more than I can handle. None of us should be in this situation.

Unknown · August 2013

This content has been removed.

DaniC2010 · August 2013

I am also so sorry for the grieving everyone is going through. It's been 5 weeks since our loss and I'm so glad I am able to talk to everyone about this. It's been a long 5 weeks and it's still not over. My boyfriend seems to just be going through the grieving process now since he tried to keep busy and was in denial. I have taken many steps to help to heal and it's so hard for us to be at the same place with this loss. It's was something unexpected but now going through this loss has put us in a different spot. He feels he has no one to talk to(other men) about this. does anyone have any suggestions for him? Is there a message board fro grieving dads?

adsprinkle89 · August 2013

All of your stories break my heart! I too delivered my son at 15w. No epidural but plenty of pain meds! When we found out that his heart had stopped, it felt like mine did too. However, it has started beating again slowly. We are now 7w out today and most days are good. I go back to work on Monday (I'm a teacher so thank God I have had this time off) and I struggle with stressing out if people will bring it up and I will loose it or if everyone ignores it and I end up getting mad about it. Also DH and I agreed to try again in October, but now I'm leaning toward April. I just want to focus on us but I'm scared he won't want to wait that long!! Ugh there is so much mental struggle with mc. Just ready to be back to work to get my mind on something else. Thoughts and prayers to all of you!!

claywalker · August 2013

MH is going to therapy, that's his only outlet.

JustinsGirl2011 · August 2013

My heart breaks for each & every one of you. Although I have not commented much, just reading your stories & words of encouragement have given me hope that eventually we will all reach our final goal. I went through my miscarriage this week. Thankfully the bleeding is finally starting to slow a bit. I was doing okay until a friend of mine announced on FB last night that she's having twins. While I am completely thrilled for her, there's a part of me that is a little jealous. Today would have been the day we announced to our best friends we were pregnant & at the end of September we were going to tell everyone. It's tough, but I feel like all I can do is push through this & try again. I want to be a mom more than anything & I hope that we all get there soon. Prayers & hugs to each one of you!

Want a personalized experience?

How is everyone feeling?

Re: How is everyone feeling?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards