We get asked this a lot!

Knelson84 · August 2013

Anyone else repeatedly asked how we conceived but not in a nice polite way but a...

'Huh? How the hell did that happen? aren't you gay!'

it's getting a little ridiculous and I don't know whether to be offended or politely educate them...

Greysmom13 · August 2013

My cousin actually asked my mom something very similar. My mom informed her that lesbians can have babies!! Lol... Also was told today that my husband has to be very excited :-?

PREGNANTMAMA17 · August 2013

SURE, LESBIANS CAN HAVE BABUES, IT TAKES SOME DOING, THEY CAN EITHER GET ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED, ADOPT, OR HAVE SOMEONE GIVE THEM SPERM OR HAVE SEX WITH HIM TO GET PREGNANT, BUT THEY CAN HAVE BABUES, DOCTORS CAN GIVE YOU ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION, FREEZE YOUR EGGS TO MIX WITH SPERM AND PLANT IT BACK IN YOU TO SEE IF IT TAKES, WHO KNOWS, IT JUST MIGHT WITH YOU, LOL

GoaliesWife123 · August 2013

Yikes, @pregnantmama17, caps usually equal yelling...

GoaliesWife123 · August 2013

This is a topic DW and I discussed after our first insemination. We agreed that if there was someone who wanted to have an adult, intelligent conversation regarding "how" we get pregnant, then we will sit down with them, in person, to discuss it. I think that the person who commented on facebook is not nearly intelligent enough for this kind of conversation. If they were, they wouldn't have posted it on facebook. I think that your Mother's response (or mother-in-law) should be something along the lines of *delete comment*.

Don't worry about educating this person, or anyone who is ridiculous enough to put something like this on facebook.

FWIW, I love how excited your mother/mother-in-law is!

trisholio · August 2013

I find myself answering a lot of questions about how we are TTC. I haven't had anyone be rude, but If I encounter that I plan on asking them personal questions about their sex life or getting knocked up. "What position did you have sex to get pregnant? oh the backseat of your car when drunk? awesome, i won't be trying that one" And move on :-)

lbugher · August 2013

I've only told my immediate family and close friends. My friends asked polite curious questions - you know like asking about what our donor's like, how the timing works, success rates for IUI, etc. They've all been really respectful. That being said... I do expect to get these kinds of rude questions from extended family who probably won't understand. But they already ask me rude questions about my work, my partner, my hobbies... Intrusive, I guess is the word.

I plan to pare down my Facebook friends list as soon as I decide to announce my pregnancy. I already know how I react when I'm hormonal from PMS. I hate to think of the terrible things I may say if someone is rude to me about my family planning. I can be a bit of a bear. I'd rather preserve those not-so-close-but-still-friendly relations by removing them from the equation for the time being.

mollykelley · August 2013

Yes. A lot. In person people ask this question. Strangers even. When we were on babymoon a guy who was there with his wife came up to us in a drag bar, and said "wow. I wasn't expecting to see a pregnant lesbian at a drag show." It was his first drag show. Then he said "how'd you do it?" I realize when men ask this, they are thinking about the guy. They are not asking to hear the saga of our TTC journey, failed attempts and miscarriage followed by more aggressive treatments finally resulting in a BFP. They just want to know if I slept with a guy. Usually the words anonymous sperm donor will shut the person up. My wife thinks that is even tmi. But I've found that people assume there has to be some man involved some way and are mostly curious about that. A woman at work asked me if we met a guy we both found attractive and slept with him. What?!

The guy in the bar, realizing that we were on a honeymoon said, "wow, you're married and having a baby? That is not typical lesbian behavior." K asked what is typical and shrugged it off. For me personally it is important to be out and busting some peoples' myths without violating my own or my wife's privacy.

As for the fb comment, yes it is rude and people always know that when they say I don't mean to be rude. She doesn't deserve a reply to your mom or mil's enthusiastic announcement. Congrats again!

newmompeanut · August 2013

I haven't gotten the question of how we conceived yet, but I do get some thing along the lines of "and who's baby is this?" when both my better half and I are out with N. We always say she's both of ours and normally get VERY puzzled looks. So far no one has questioned it further. I'm sure if they did I would shoot back a sassy question like @trisholio suggested.

doodah1013 · August 2013

I think this will be a hard one for us, as we go ahead with me being first to carry. Because I don't identify as female, even if I am carrying I wouldn't identify as the "Mom". So, we have talked at length about how we will navigate this. I fully plan on not having any "pregnant" pictures put on Facebook. Obviously, close family will know who carried the baby, but we are going to try to keep as many people in the dark about who carried.
I even plan on hiding out at camp for the last 3 months, so as few work people as possible know. My work is notorious for treating biological children different than non-bio kids.
Luckily for me, I will probably just look like I am gaining weight for 6 months (having talked to other bois in my position, people are more likely to ask if you are drinking more beer than usual than if you are pregnant... (Which leads to an interesting discussions on societal perceptions of gender, but I will spare you....). After the baby is born, I expect that anyone who wasn't there will assume A carried.
Yep... We have thought about this one a lot. We plan on doing a lot of dodging of unnecessary questions, and opening dialogues about the appropriateness of these questions instead.
I have been out since I was 14, so I am used to rude asshole-ish questions about sex/sexuality/gender. I expect this to be no diff

lbugher · August 2013

@herbabymama- Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! I don't know how I'd react if some foolish man said "That's not typical lesbian behavior" in reaction to my partner and I being married and having a baby.

ATXmommas · August 2013

The only thing I've run into is people thinking I must have conceived by IVF. I don't think it's been ignorance about how lesbians conceive, I think it's just general ignorance about the existence of IUI as an option. I do think its weird when people you don't know start asking questions - like the guy at the bank when I had to get something from the Cryobank notarized. He was gay and knew I was, so I guess he felt like he could. That was invasive - and weird. Why does this stranger care about how we chose a donor?

In regards to HBM's theory about location/education - Austin is liberal and LGBT-friendly, so it's not unusual or novel here. That said, I come from a Southern (from Mississippi), but well-educated and accepting (albeit politically conservative for the most part) family, so haven't run into any problems/ignorance there either.

trisholio · August 2013

doodah1013 I think I missed a post where you were going to try and carry. Good for you! I have tried to convince my DW that she should carry one. I don't have her convinced yet.

Greysmom13 · August 2013

I planned my IUI for over a year before I did it. I am more androgynous than anything, and I work with really conservative older men (county government job) but also work with more liberal people. Of course Ft. Worth isn't known for being liberal in the first place. I have been upfront with people that I am close with about my journey with TTC and IUI. They all know I used an anonymous donor, etc and I have had tons of support. I still am not huge at 22 weeks even though I feel like I'm filled to the gills with baby lol. I know that people I interact with through my job will have questions as I do get bigger and it just depends on my relationship with them as to how much I tell them. I'm sure some people will be confused as to how a lesbian got pregnant though as IUI's, etc aren't commonly known procedures to the general population. I think I have enough people supporting me at work to make the comments that I know will come from the few men I work with be easily ignored. It was something that worried me at first but I eventually made peace with the fact that I wanted a child very much and that superseded my fears.

lbugher · August 2013

What a fantastic blog! I'm definitely putting that up on my Facebook page

Very, very good.

Knelson84 · August 2013

Can I just say... I LOVE you guys! Thank you for your responses! We are the first of our lesbian friends to have a baby so sometimes we can feel a little alone but it's so lovely to be able to post here and share in your experiences and advice! Also, great blog! Will definitely put that up on my fb. That's my MIL excitement, isn't she wonderful!! My family doesn't even know yet

don't want the added stress but my finances family are so excited and lovely. I'm very lucky! Thanks again guys x

Jeveritt11 · August 2013

I've got asked a couple times how we done it. Mostly just my coworkers being curious, no one has been down right rude or anything. Now we have had a couple people that really just didn't understand how that works. We did an at home insemination with a known donor. A lot of people who have asked didn't think it was possible for cup and syringe to work, guess they learn something new everyday.

Knelson84 · August 2013

I completely understand.

we are an interracial couple and my partner is carrying and the donor was Caucasian soooo partner and baby will be Caucasian and I am dark and I am so worried that people will automatically see her as mum when LO arrives and ask questions about how I'm involved. It's already happening now but I don't want to field those questions in front of my LO. I suppose there is nothing we can do, the questions will come and we will handle them the best that we can. I'm sure once I see my gorgeous little baby, these things won't seem like such a big deal anymore. I hope so anyway lol

Want a personalized experience?

We get asked this a lot!

Re: We get asked this a lot!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards