After sharing the news, people asking "were you guys trying?"

Noellephants · August 2013

Am I the only person who thinks it is incredibly nosy and rude and inappropriate when one of the first things people ask after hearing the news is "were you trying?"

It just feels so intrusive. My husband and I took the "not trying not preventing" approach because we just wanted to conceive when it happened. It was a big suprise when it happened, we were practicing our approach for almost a year then we just found out a few weeks ago. When people ask me if we were trying it puts me in a weird position because its not a clear yes or no, we weren't seriously trying and we were not seriously preventing. And I don't think I need to explain that to anyone. It completely caught me off guard the first time someone asked me that(my male boss out of all people) I said "yes" because we are super excited and if I were to say "kind of" or "no not seriously" it just sounds irresponsible and I would imagine it could be met with some kind of a disappointed look on their face.

My husband and I are so so excited and so is the family. i want to talk about the due date, baby names, talking about the gender, baby stuff- not if my husband and i were intentionally trying to bang regularly and make a baby. I am not a super open person and maybe thats why that question feels like nobodys buisness. i have just been biting my tongue when people ask me that question and I simply say "yep" and change the subject because it is an invasive topic. So what if we were seriously trying to conceive? Does that mean we deserve a bigger congrats because we were trying so much harder? And what if we weren't trying and it was unplanned? Would that change that persons reaction?

I have never had the thought to ask any of my prego friends in the past that question. All I can see is the joy they have and their excitement to tell me that they are having a baby. The last thing I feel I would need to know is how they planned or didn't planned it. Should it even matter to others?
Okay I know I am going off on one here. Over a silly question...
Maybe I am just extra hormonal pregnant-lady-crazy. I don't know. I just was hoping to hear from others experience and see if this nosy question irks anyone else out there? How do you handle it and what do you think?

Avion22 · August 2013

I think it's kind of rude that people feel entitled to your family planning history just because you're pregnant. When people ask me an inappropriate question, I just reply with, "Why do you want to know?" (accompanied with a sweet, but slightly confused look on my face). They usually don't have an answer to that, and let it drop.

If you aren't as passive-agressive as I am, you can respond with something like, "We're very happy and excited."

PrimRoseMama · August 2013

You will find that, generally, pregnancy turns ordinary people into brainless twits that lack a filter.

MelissaV10 · August 2013

I can't stand it when people ask that... it's very rude.

ignore the tickers, can't figure out how to get rid of them from previous birth!

MrsCodeMonkey · August 2013

I've been asked if my last pregnancy was planned and I found it offensive. Like why does the answer matter to people?

The person who asked thought we had an oops because I had not found another job after our move. I told her it was planned and that ended that discussion.

This time we were not trying, so umm...I don't exactly want to tell people we had an oops. I might lie if they ask, but I hope people will keep those questions to themselves.

BuckeyeWife07 · August 2013

I often wonder that when I have friends of family who are pregnant with other kids. As a mom of more than one, I know that a lot of planning can go in to figuring out spacing, but for some people, they don't plan at all. I think the only time I've actually asked is when our friends/DH cousin were pregnant with their second just 9 months after having their first (truly an OOPs) baby. It was sort of hard NOT to wonder. I think I'd rather people ask then wonder. With this one, I'm going to be pretty open about the fact that we weren't quite ready, but God had other plans obviously! I think part of it is that it helps them to determine HOW excited you are. If you are still adjusting to the whole idea and were not planning it, your excitement level is probably a little different. Though I do find it odd that your male boss would ask that. It's usually a girl to girl question in my book.

amsat · August 2013

If I get asked this, I always respond with a snarky and/or outrageous answer.

erbear · August 2013

Of course it's rude. I find that a well timed, "well, we were having a lot of sex so I guess that's trying" shut people up pretty quickly.

Alli0322 · August 2013

Yes, it's very rude! When I told some family members, they asked. Umm, that's none of your business! I'm married and you don't need to know if this was planned or not. I feel like it's very judge-y of them to ask something like that

Enami · August 2013

MrsCodeMonkey said:

I've been asked if my last pregnancy was planned and I found it offensive. Like why does the answer matter to people? The person who asked thought we had an oops because I had not found another job after our move. I told her it was planned and that ended that discussion. This time we were not trying, so umm...I don't exactly want to tell people we had an oops. I might lie if they ask, but I hope people will keep those questions to themselves.

We're the opposite, first was the oops. My response then was, "Yes, I was totally trying to get KUed so I could postpone graduating college and make wedding planning that much more awkward." Then we got the whole when's the wedding date getting moved up to? Um, it's not, I don't want anyone to ever think my wedding was shotgun. We're not telling with this pregnancy as long as possible to avoid the idiots and their stupid comments.

KendraL86 · August 2013

I hate this question and I know it will be coming from his side of the family (who we haven't told yet). He had a vasectomy 14 years ago after the birth of his second daughter. His family doesn't know we made plans to have a child together (and paid a small fortune to make that happen). My planned response is "A vasectomy won't reverse itself."

erind0213 · August 2013

I think its kind of rude. What are they going to reply if you said no, and even if you said yes, is it going to be followed up with a "well how long did you try for?"

DH has a cousin, an he and his wife and fertility issues and tried for a couple years and ended up finally finding success using IVF. They had a baby last January. While pregnant she kept assuring me that as soon as the Dr. gave them the ok. they would try for # 2 in hopes that whatever issue they had would correct itself.

She then inquired when DH and I were thinking of having another I said our plan was to start trying in July. So when August swings around and word gets out we are expecting she messages me on FB to say congrats, then asks if we had just started trying in July, as I had mentioned previously. I reply yes, and she then says "must be nice to get pregnant so quick" .... like i had a choice in the manner.

Ideally I had hoped to not be KU till September but that isn't how it played out. DD took 5 months to conceive and this one happened super quick.

thelittlepear · August 2013

My favourite is the "how long we're you trying for?" I try to remind myself that not a lot of people do know our story, but on the other hand, I'm like "do you really think you need to know this?!" I think people just try to make conversation, and act interested, but sometimes they need to filter!

MrsCodeMonkey · August 2013

thelittlepear said:
My favourite is the "how long we're you trying for?" I try to remind myself that not a lot of people do know our story, but on the other hand, I'm like "do you really think you need to know this?!" I think people just try to make conversation, and act interested, but sometimes they need to filter!

That's too funny. A friend of ours who had his first baby with his wife told his parents: "what do you know? The first time we have sex and we end up with a baby."

CurlieWhirlie · August 2013

I feel like we need a separate thread where we can post all of the awesome answers we could give to the myriad ridiculously nosy questions people ask of pregnant women. RIGHT? It would be so awesome to have a cache of snarky answers so I wouldn't have to think of any on the spot. I'm terrible at that.

ceh789 · August 2013

Avion22 said:

When people ask me an inappropriate question, I just reply with, "Why do you want to know?" (accompanied with a sweet, but slightly confused look on my face). They usually don't have an answer to that, and let it drop.

If you aren't as passive-agressive as I am, you can respond with something like, "We're very happy and excited."

This is how I respond to rude & intrusive questions always. I don't think it's passive aggressive at all. If they have a legit reason for needing to know (what that would be for this particular question... no idea) then I'll answer - otherwise, as you said - they usually leave it alone.

ziggy903 · August 2013

My MIL asked. I looked right at her and said "why do you want to know? Will you love the child more or less depending on the answer?"
It shut her up reeeeal fast.

Anyone else(we've had a few) I just ask why they want to know about our sex life. Sometimes they tell me I'm being crass, but I just tell them that's what they're asking.

KariB509 · August 2013

My FIL asked DH when he told him I was pregnant. AND he asked when he told him we were pregnant with DS. Really? Really?!?!?!

Meery82 · August 2013

I think it's extremely rude. They are essentially asking "So, have you been f*cking your husband lately?" Um, awkward. And nunya bizniss!!

Charleyrose · August 2013

Ugh. This question totally pisses me off. Granted I am 7 weeks pregnant and probably a bit hormonal as well, but it is none of their business!!! The other day at work 2 of my clients said something like, "Do you remember when you were pregnant and it felt like your body wasn't yours?" I said, "What do you mean?" They explained how strangers would just come up to them and touch their belly etc. Perfect. Something else to look forward too! Congratulations to you on your pregnancy! Try to ignore all the idiotic comments and enjoy this special time in your life!

saraapuzzo24 · August 2013

It really doesn't bother me. Lol never really noticed or cared when they ask

JessyKah1987 · August 2013

I can definitely relate. My husband and I were doing that same thing. My friends asked me that and I said..."uhm. ha. sure." SO AWKWARD.

MMason12 · August 2013

As someone still TTC I know that once we get a BFP people get weird and crazy but I never thought someone would ask a pregnant person/couple this. I am horribly terrified of strangers touching my pregnant belly - and I will have no issues being rude to them about it.

I would look right at anyone who asks and tell them "its really none of your business whether we were trying or not is it!"

nicolerae90 · August 2013

I find it annoying.

HNRomance · August 2013

obviously it's overtly nosy for someone to ask that but at the same time I think the cultural changes around pregnancy might have something to do with it. Not too long ago it wasn't easy to plan a pregnancy so it wasn't in question. Now there are a lot more tools for women who want to conceive or prevent conception. If you are a more private person then I can see how this would feel really invasive. Maybe just something like "Well it wasn't immaculate conception....what do you think happened?" will shut them up.

christina627 · August 2013

We always get asked this by someone. DH's family is actually better about just going with the flow, but my family always has questions. I actually explained to my aunt about my PCOS and everything we've been through and thinking we were done unless we used hormones or fertility treatments...and then told her a week later. I just wanted someone to understand our struggle and that we were happy with this blessing. I told my dad today and got, "You know how that happens right?" Totally, made me mad, but I expected it. I then explained our struggle quickly and that it's really a blessing that we didn't expect. That shut him up quickly. Being our 3rd, we kind of expect ppl to either be happy or look at us like idiots. But whatever, we're happy about it....Sorry to rant in your post.

rockopera · August 2013

It's annoying and awkward depending on who it is coming from. I have used two comments so far, with well-intentioned friends/acquaintances who just don't think.

"Nope. Immaculate conception" and

"Obviously...you know how babies are made, right?"

And yes, I am a smart ass, I don't just play one on the Internet.

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