Juggling two kids, one with SN

mrsdeanna · August 2013

Any words of encouragement or advice? Since 2 years old, he is 3 now, DS1 has had a severe speech delay and also sensory disorder. In the last few weeks just recently got an autism diagnosis. He is now in speech therapy twice a week, OT once a week and will be starting behavioral therapy once a week. I am feeling EXTREMELY overwhelmed by all of this. I also have a 4 month old boy. I have each therapist each visit say ok work on this, you need to do this and that with him. I feel DS1 needs my 100 percent attention and feel I cant give it to him being I have DS2. I am feeling very guilty and depressed about all of this. DS1 is the sweetest little guy, but is becoming more difficult as he gets older and is more aware of things. I know I shouldnt compare to other 3 year olds, but I hate that other kids can be in a normal preschool class, are already potty trained where DS isnt even close, can take their kids on trips without their kids acting out by being out of their normal surroundings. I always knew DS was a little different and had a feeling an autism diagnosis would come sooner or later, but I guess now that we know, I am super scared about what the future holds for him.

If you are a mom with two kids, one with SN, how do you juggle the day to day? I guess this turned into a vent more than anything.

TIA

birdie_1010 · August 2013

First of all, I will say that once you get into your routine, things become more manageable. The therapies you are supposed to carry out at home become second nature, you figure out your routine for juggling all the appointments and it just all becomes your new normal.

Since your child has autism, there are always going to be those gaps. BUT as you work with your team, you and your child will learn how to cope better in the day to day. You will learn how to help him be successful during outings, he will learn the tools to become successful in school. Success may well be defined in different terms than some of his peers, but it will happen because of all the hard work you are putting in.

I am three for three with special needs kiddos. It is maddening some days, but most days now, it is just our way of life. I know that I have to work a lot harder as a mom than that of a mom of typical kids, but in time I am finding my way. Keep up the hard work, but also let yourself grieve. It is OK to be scared and sad and whatever else you may be feeling. :hugs:

lite-bright · August 2013

It's tough sometimes, definitely. I have a five-YO DD with ASD and a NT three-YO DD. I know this doesn't help you much, but it was a lot harder when DD2 was a baby -- the sleep deprivation just killed me, and once we got DD1's dx (on DD2's first birthday, in fact), I felt guilty because DD2 was getting schlepped around to all sorts of therapies and not really getting the dedicated attention to her schedule that DD1 got. It felt like I was putting all my energy into DD1's needs and unfair to DD2.

I had untreated PPA/PPD for awhile, and getting that taken care of really helped my stress level. Make sure you're taking care of yourself. My DH is very hands-on, thankfully, and he would step in during the evenings and weekends to make sure I got some time to myself. If you can, I would try to find some kind of class, group therapy or educational setting for your DS that he can do on his own that would be supportive of him -- both for his growth and for your sanity.

Now that they're three and five, it's so much easier to handle. Except that I have to referee on a near-constant basis some days, and that can be really wearing when DD1 just doesn't get, for the hundredth time, that when DD2 shrieks or cries, she needs to stop whatever she's doing.

As they've gotten older, DH and I have really made a priority for one-on-one time with each of them. DD1 had some camps this summer and it was really fun for me to spend a half-day with DD2, doing things she likes.

I don't know if that helps at all, but really, it does get easier as they get older. Big hugs, the push-and-pull is really hard at times!

malcivar · August 2013

I'm right there with you. Chris is my SN child and he will be 4 in 2 1/2 months. The 'baby' is 16 months. Like yours, Chris is not potty trained - everyone says he's 'not ready' and yes, that scares me because this is his last year of pre-school. Next year is kindergarten and I don't know what we're going to do if he isn't potty trained by then. Outings are hard, but PLEASE don't do what we recently realized we did which is - we never take our kids everywhere so yeah we complain that Chris acts out but that's because other than school and/or the occasional errand, we don't take him anywhere because we don't want to deal with the acting out. PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

This will be one of the things we'll be focusing on now. He's a runner and that's nerve-wracking but I know that he can't spend his whole life indoors. We have to make it work.

Yes it's overwhelming and I know exactly how you feel about feeling like you're giving one kid 110% of your time and not devoting enough to the other - to some extent, yes you are giving one child more time than the other but try to make the time you CAN give your other baby quality time. Or if you can, maybe try spending some time with just one child. Chris and I got into this when the baby was first born and I spent soooo much time with him. I would make a point of feeding Chris breakfast or watching TV with him - but just us. I've noticed it's made him a bit more affectionate.

But yeah. Sorry I don't have sounder advice, but {{hugs}}. Just know you are not alone!

ToastieSimons · August 2013

My boys are 3 and 1 (almost exactly 2 years apart). Both of my kids have special needs. They are both nonverbal and nonambulatory. DS1 goes to preschool 20 minutes away for 2.5 hrs 5 days a week. I drive him both ways. My younger son gets OT, PT, DI and soon to be speech through early intervention.

It's hard. We actually moved back in with my parents. The first year was the hardest for me because of the constant therapy and lack of routine. Now that DS2 consistently naps at the same time on his own and DS1 goes to school the same time every day it's much easier. My parents are on vacation this week and while EXHAUSTING, it's okay.

Basically, my mornings are out. I get everyone up, dressed and fed and then the days DS2 has therapy I play with DS1 and get him ready for school (snacks and drink made, etc) and give him something else to eat. After therapy DS2 gets a bottle and then it's off to drop DS1 off at school. While DS1 is in school I pray DS2 naps and get my house tidied. After school we all hang out watch a little bit of TV, do some floor playing, stretching, etc. The boys then get to watch TV while playing while I start supper.

Then DH is home. He likes to roughouse with the boys so it's good for stretching and standing and walking etc. Then it's bath and bedtime for DS1. He's so exhausted from no napping and going to school that he goes to bed by 7. DS2 goes to bed anywhere from 8-11 depending on his nap. That's our biggest struggle. Sometimes he doesn't fall asleep until I get back from picking up DS2 which is 3:30 then he naps till 6.

This morning they both had private PT so it's a chaotic morning with little work being done. It's mostly dressing, eating, getting ready for school, throwing a load of laundry in, etc.

I won't lie, it's hard work. It's not a life of leisure that's for sure. But I promise, it will get easier as your younger one gets older and gets on a better schedule.

gimmietimmies · August 2013

Not much to add that the pp's haven't already covered. I know even with my healthy, nt girls I still felt like a mess at 4months, never mind ds being in the mix. Like anything with parenting, you will find your groove, just make sure to take time for you. Hang in there momma.

crabbypatty426 · August 2013

I don't have a lot to add that hasn't been said, but I just also wanted to say hang in there. We are finally finding our routine with therapies and special time with DS2 and still giving DS1 one-on-one time and getting him to school. It feels good to finally find our way with this stuff. And as someone else said, I was a mess when either of my kids was tiny. You'll get there and it will seem like second nature. It will always be a little harder, but the wins feel that much better, I think.

changingnames · August 2013

Hugs, everything you are going thru is normal and the above posters did a great job with suggestions. I was there a few years ago with a barely verbal 3 year old that hit, punched, slapped, pulled hair, and bit me so much I was beginning to feel abused, and occasionally slapped the sweet, constantly crying and nursing needy infant who didn't sleep anywhere but my chest for two months. Did I mention DH was working full time, commuting three hours a day, going to law school at night, and preparing for the bar- oh ya and I have incapacitating chronic pain and we were in the midst of a home remodel. Life was a daily trial and I cried plenty. BUT when he turned four things really changed. He is five now and never stops talking, is independent with the potty (and helping to potty train his little brother!), and if we are at the park and someone cries I don't automatically know that my kid is hurting them (in fact he is pretty trustworthy). It comes in time and it sucks waiting and working for things that come so easily for some other kids but like child birth It will be worth it when it is over.
One thing that is helping us right now is that I am using all the aba training I got for DS5 yrs on DS2 yrs (he is NT and very verbal). It's like shooting a deer with a machine gun- poor kid can't act out if he tries. When I do a check in with ds5 I do one with ds2 (ds5 is currently teaching Ds2 how to do them) cause what kid doesn't need to check in on their quiet hands, feet, etc? All the tools I have learned have made me at least twice the parent I would have been if asd weren't a part of our lives and that really has helped me become a more competent and confident parent. I have noticed that my kids are happy as clams- it is me that is haggard and miserable after they wreck shop all over the house btw- I don't think there is anything we could have given ds5 that would have broken him out of his shell like his little brother did- having them close together has been hell on us and so far made them happy as clams.

lite-bright · August 2013

I also want to echo pp that I think the best thing we could've done for DD1 was have DD2. She gets along better with her sister than anyone, they play together a ton (with and without refereeing), and I truly think that a good chunk of her progress can be attributed to having to deal with a younger sibling constantly.

Some of DD1's most unselfish and generous moments come in her helping DD2. As frustrating as their interactions can be at times, there is also a lot of sweetness and love and attention that gives me hope that if DD1 can do this with her sister, eventually she's going to be able to generalize the skills in her interactions with other people.

That didn't really start until DD2 was about 18 months and could be more of a playmate, but it did come with time.

khagan9368 · August 2013

Just some words of encouragement, I could have written this EXACT post one year ago, My DD (autism) just turned 4 and my little guy is 14 months. Things have really gotten so much better just with a year or getting DD the therapies she needed. Her language skills have improved dramatically, she is potty trained and her social skills are getting there. There are days that I still want to pull my hair out but just like everything in life, if you take it day by day, it's doable. Good luck!

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