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Nursing a toddler and separation anxiety

bel138bel138 member
in Attachment Parenting
A couple questions I hope you guys can help with. My guy is 15 mo, and we still breast feed on demand when I'm home. Last week we went on vacation, so I had a whole week of an on demand schedule. It seems like a lot still, and I don't know if it's "normal." Example: Wake and nurse at 6:30a, Nurse 8:30a, Quick snack nurse 9:00a, Nurse for nap 9:30a, Nurse on waking 11a, Nurse after lunch 1p, Nurse for nap 3p, Nurse on waking 4:30p, Nurse to bed 7:30p, MOTN 10:30p, 1:30a, 4:30a. When I'm at work a regular work day, he nurses 6:30a, 5:30p, 7:30p, 10:30p, 1:30a, 4:30a and takes 2 4oz sippys. When I work a 28hr shift he takes 5 4 oz sippys. Because of his food allergies, the allergist wants us to nurse until 2, which I'm ok with. It just seems that when we're together, he's constantly hanging off my chest.

Speaking of working, when I leave in the morning, he loses his mind. I know separation anxiety is still big at this age. But my husband takes care of him at home, and DH is starting to get really sad that DS "doesn't like him." He will scream for an entire hour after I leave. When he wakes at night, he will scream until I come to nurse him. We still bed share, and he will not go back to sleep without nursing. He has no self soothing skills whatsoever. Even if I leave the room to get a glass of water, he goes into a full melt down. Normal?
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Re: Nursing a toddler and separation anxiety

  • Pookers7Pookers7
    edited August 2013
    My older DD was the same way. I don't have any good advice there. She just slowly stopped freaking when I left for work. I'd keep it short and sweet - make sure you're not acting sad or upset, like leaving her with DH is a bad thing. I think I fed the fire by giving too many extra hugs, and responding to her sadness with mommy guilt. DH started doing something she loved when I left and I'd get excited too. "You're going to play Legos with daddy? Oh my gosh, so much fun! Yay! Tell me about it when I get home! Bye bye!" Then a quick hug, kiss and I'd get out of there as fast as possible. Over time she's progressed to a quick, easy goodbye and DH doesn't have to do anything special. I'd say from 1- 2 years old it was the worst. Probably some kind of brain thing. 
    For the nursing thing, I can't recommend The No Cry Sleep Solution enough. It has great ways of decreasing LO's dependence on boob comfort. The method I used was to pop the latch when DD was almost done. She would fuss. I'd give it back, count to 10. Pop. Fuss. Pop. Fuss. Eventually she'd fall asleep without it. From there you just keep going until you can pop him off awake and he'll settle himself. Also, maybe try a Lovey. They work wonders. 
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  • bel138bel138 member
    Yeah, we've tried NCSS. He doesn't fuss. He's never fussed. He goes from content to OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING in 0.3 seconds. I've tried to get him to take a lovey too. He throws them away. Then pats my boobs like they're a stuffed animal. 
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  • Pookers7Pookers7
    Lol! I would say he's just not ready yet then. I'd just try to make DH seem super, super awesome and he'll come around eventually. I could hear my DD screaming all the way down the stairs (apartment) and a good way into the parking lot. It hurt my heart every single time but she loves her daddy now, and she loved him then. I think they start to realize daddy is there all the time but you're not, and thus jealously guard their time with you. 
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  • musicalmama5musicalmama5 member
    Some great advice that I got when I first started BFing was this: Every nursing relationship is different, so whatever your baby is doing is normal for him. 
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  • Emerald27Emerald27 member
    edited August 2013
    This all sounds very normal for a 15 month old. DS is 21 months old and nurses just as frequently (if not more so).

    What does DH do for him to help him when you leave in the morning? I'm sure he feels overwhelmed, but maybe there is something special the two of them could do right away every morning to make it easier.

    As for night wakings, I am of the opinion that if the child wants to nurse and you know that's what he needs/wants and will get him back to sleep the easiest and gentlest way, then go for it! Self soothing is sort of a myth anyway, and it sounds like your DS is needing extra close snuggle time with you. I wouldn't hesitate to give him what he needs and know that he will outgrow it fairly quickly. Good luck! :)
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  • sucredeesucredee member
    edited August 2013
    DD is 3 and still nurses 3-4 x a day. A lot of it is comfort nursing but I'm fine with that. She loves reading books while we nurse. She was nursing about 5 x a day consistently until about 2.5. She had never accepted DH during night time wake ups. She always wants mommy. Their sleep scheduled change so much. Around 14-17 months she was waking up a lot (like every 2-3 hours) and then she went down to about once a night. She cut out night time feeds to about once a night about 6 months ago. Now she will wake up occasionally (last night she woke up because of a spider in her bed, another night because a princess was hitting her on her head...:)) and most of the time she still wants a quick nurse to settle back down and then goes right back to sleep. No help with the separation anxiety. DD started at 4 months and it lasted forever! But she never had any problem being left at daycare (3 mornings a week) strangely enough. We rarely have a baby sitter but when we do she usually pitches a fit but it only would last a few minutes.
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  • bloverdebloverde member
    Thanks. My schedule changes every month, plus I have days I'm on call and spend the night at the hospital. On those nights, the little stinker sleeps straight through for DH. So most days I'm leaving at 6am or earlier. DH doesn't really want to get out of bed at that point (I don't blame him). But DS wakes up as soon as I get out of the bed to get ready and screams.

    I'm sure in several months when he stops nursing so much I'll be sad and miss it. It's just hard when you don't sleep more than 4 hours in a row for 15 months. ;)
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  • Ireland05Ireland05 member
    Are you a resident? I had DS1 at the end of residency, then started fellowship. There were rough nights. He didn't sleep through the night for a long time, but was usually a liitle better for DH when I was gone overnight. He slept a little better when we night weaned at 18 mo or so. The irregular schedule was, and still is, a rough for these guys, but over time improves. Playing peek-a-boo a ton actually helped with the separation anxiety. I think it helped him know I wasn't gone for good. Hang in there, mama.
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  • bloverdebloverde member
    I am a resident. DS was born at the end of internship, a surprise pregnancy after trying for 3 years! I joke that he's trying hard to be an only child, with reflux, MSPI, not sleeping, just being high maintenance in general. I'm going into fellowship next year, so definitely no other little ones for a couple years. Sometimes I think I get better sleep on call than at home!
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  • Ireland05Ireland05 member
    bloverde said:
    I am a resident. DS was born at the end of internship, a surprise pregnancy after trying for 3 years! I joke that he's trying hard to be an only child, with reflux, MSPI, not sleeping, just being high maintenance in general. I'm going into fellowship next year, so definitely no other little ones for a couple years. Sometimes I think I get better sleep on call than at home!
    There were definitely nights that I got a better night sleep at the hospital than DH did at home with the kid.  Depending on your fellowship, it might be a great time to have kids.  Mine was all inpatient the first year, then mostly research for years two and three (plus our outpatient clinics).  We also had more call during year one than two and three.  We take call from home, but some nights were super busy, and occasionally we have to go back in.  Several fellows had babies as second or third years.  
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