Secondary Losses

BrittianyM · August 2013

Hi ladies, sorry I have posted a lot lately but I just am not handling the loss of my sweet angel very well at times. Just wondering how you ladies handle secondary losses. By that I mean, the my baby would be doing this right now......standing, walking, eating solids, etc.

My close friend just posted a picture of her son on FB where he is standing. Of course she is holding his hand for supprort but he is only 3 weeks older than my daughter. He is 6 months old. We were pregnant at the same time and had many mommy/baby play dates together before Brooke passed. This means that my daughter could be standing too.

It hurts me to see other babies close in age to my daughter and see what they are doing that my daughter will never get to do. I am happy for them but it still hurts me. How do you deal with this?

Noethola · August 2013

Hugs to you. Never feel like you are posting too much, we are here for one another.

For me, it makes me sad when I see children that would be near my daughters age. Some days its wistfulness, some days I have to leave the situation so as not to cry. Honestly, some of the people on FB who have babies that were born around the same time, I have blocked their pictures. I just dont need to see it, and I dont feel like they miss out on my not "liking" or commenting. Self preservation.

But I also often think to myself (not be forced to think of it by other's pictures), she would be at this stage now. She would start smiling at me, laughing at daddy, reaching for toys, getting into things, etc. For me, it makes me feel like I can mother her from afar. I keep up with her development. There was an exert out of a Anne of Green Gables Series book (Anne's House of Dreams), that likened it to knowing your baby when you meet them someday in heaven, because you follow their development each day. I like to think of it like that.

BrittianyM · August 2013

Noethola said:

Hugs to you. Never feel like you are posting too much, we are here for one another.

For me, it makes me sad when I see children that would be near my daughters age. Some days its wistfulness, some days I have to leave the situation so as not to cry. Honestly, some of the people on FB who have babies that were born around the same time, I have blocked their pictures. I just dont need to see it, and I dont feel like they miss out on my not "liking" or commenting. Self preservation.

But I also often think to myself (not be forced to think of it by other's pictures), she would be at this stage now. She would start smiling at me, laughing at daddy, reaching for toys, getting into things, etc. For me, it makes me feel like I can mother her from afar. I keep up with her development. There was an exert out of a Anne of Green Gables Series book (Anne's House of Dreams), that likened it to knowing your baby when you meet them someday in heaven, because you follow their development each day. I like to think of it like that.

I love the way you put all this. I never thought of it like that. Great perspective! Thanks so much.

OSUWifey09 · August 2013

***SIGGY***

I love the way that @Noethola put it - beautiful.

It's so hard to see other babies - especially those around Devon's age - hit milestones and have pictures posted on FB or Instagram. I lost track of how many friends I hid from my FB feed after my loss; it was so hard to handle, and even now - a year later - it's hard. It has gotten better, though...when I lost Devon, I wasn't sure I could even face another baby again. It took A LOT of counseling and tears to get to where I am now, but it's possible. Still hard, but possible.

Please never feel like you post too much; it's nice to have an outlet to vent your frustrations and put your tears/fears to words. We're here for you. I wish I had more to offer than just "It'll get better," but that's all I've got. Take it easy on yourself, and do what you have to do to step away from those reminders. *hugs*

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · August 2013

****siggy warning***

We have a lot of friends who have kids around Corbin's age. The hardest one is the people we know who's son is 2 days younger than Corbin would be now. For the longest time I hid FB feeds and was simply not around the kids. If we hung out with the parents, we made sure the baby wouldn't be there or would be sleeping. In the last few months I have forced myself to be around these kids, see pictures on FB etc. Keep in mind I'm a year and a half out.

I went through a long spell not long after we lost Corbin where I kept thinking of "I'll never/he'll never, we'll nevers" and "should be's". I still do it sometimes but I write them down. I keep a list (there's a list in my blog - link is in my siggy). It stopped my mind from obsessing over that stuff.

There are still times when I see kids who I know are Corbin's age or close to where I just have to keep telling myself "that's not him, that's not Corbin." It does still hurt, I won't lie but like other aspects of grief, I've learned how to manage that in my life while doing everything else.

BrittianyM · August 2013

Thank you ladies, all of you are making really good points. I also find I tell myself that they are not Brooke. Brooke is my angel and I am blessed to be her mommy.

Dixon813 · August 2013

This is something that has bothered me a lot, too. I was at my nephew's birthday party just a few weeks after we lost Leah, Rachel & Gabriel (also one of the first time I saw family members, by choice) and was doing fine until my nephew went to blow out his birthday candles and all I could think was "I'll never see my babies turn 6"

I found a lot of comfort from C.S. Lewis' "A Grief Observed". One of my favorite quotes is: "If a mother is mourning not for what she lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild. "

I wish we all didn't have to go through this...

princezjk · August 2013

1st, as PPs have said, don't ever feel like you are posting too much. That is the only way this board works, if people post.

2nd, I feel like for me handling the secondary losses is the hardest part. I am always thinking about where I should be right now or what she would be doing. And I am pretty sure that I will do this the rest of my life. I just hope it doesn't consume me the way it does now. It can be overwhelming, but I try to think of it in a positive way. For example, I worry that I will never enjoy another holiday because I will always be thinking of the daughter who is missing. But then I remind my self it is okay to think about her and remember her. I am sure this doesn't make much sense, but for me every day and every step takes effort. That said, I also agree with the PPs that you should try and remove those triggers in your life that you can. I have drastically limited my time on Facebook and have hidden a lot of people with the potential to post pics I don't want to see.

Sending you so many (((hugs)))

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