Desperately want to be a SAHM

lach1137 · August 2013

Hi everyone,

I am having myself a pity party lately, trying to do work but not feeling motivated. Every since I had my son, I have wanted to be a SAHM, but financially it's likely not possible (unless some drastic measures are taken, and not sure we would all be comfortable with those sacrifices).

I want to know if there were people out there in my situation (making more then DH, but desperately want to be a SAHM), and how did you make the switch and convince your DH you could make it work? If I could work part time I would, but its not really an option in my line of work (project management).

Plus people don't take me seriously - I mention it and people go "yeah, wouldn't that be nice" - my DH first reply always includes the lottery (meaning we would need to win it in order for me to be a SAHM) - how nice!!

Needs some inspiration!!

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2013

Unfortunately you're not going to find much help here. I'd say the masses have a dh who earns a sizable income or made financial decisions prior to having kids that made one income doable. If boh you and dh aren't on board to make the kind of sacrifices that would allow you to make ends meet on one income, there's no magic formula to make it work. Sorry.

Andrewsgal · August 2013

Honestly I don't know what you are looking for. The women here SAH because they can afford to do so. If you can't afford it you can't afford it.

lach1137 · August 2013

What I was hoping to find here, was some ideas on what other women did to make it work. Guess I need to find a more supportive board.

Louiej · August 2013

It can be done, but not without support from your DH. If he's worried about finances, make a budget together. Sometimes if its close to workable, you could cut things to make it work. There's no magic wand, sorry.

rockyrollgirl · August 2013

*sigh*

Tigger & pooh · August 2013

That's the thing they aren't purposefully being unsupportive. It is as kc said. Our DH makes a good income or you drastically change your life to live on one lower income. It suck when you want to stay home but can't, but it is the reality sometimes. Now if you can easily afford to stay home but unsure of how it changes the dynamic in chores and stuff we can probably offer more advice.

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2013

lach1137 said:

What I was hoping to find here, was some ideas on what other women did to make it work. Guess I need to find a more supportive board.

I don't know how a more supportive board will help. You already acknowledged it would take some pretty big sacrifices that neither of you were willing to make. Really your only options is to make the big sacrifices or keep working. If you needed a little wiggle room like an extra 100-200 a month there's ways you can save money like cutting cable or meal planning to cut back on grocery spending. From your original post that doesn't seem like your current predicament.

notkateanymore · August 2013

lach1137 said:

What I was hoping to find here, was some ideas on what other women did to make it work. Guess I need to find a more supportive board.

I believe you are looking for the Puppies, Rainbows and Unicorns board then.

I mean FFS you said so yourself that it won't work unless you make some major sacrifices. So, either make those or go to work? It works for us without sacrificing. It works for others with sacrifices, but they are willing to do that. I don't really understand what you are asking honestly. If you can't do it without making major changes and your DH isn't n board, sounds like it isn't happening.

Tigger & pooh · August 2013

I suppose you could ask your husband to get a second job or start stripping at night?

bumpuser8448316 · August 2013

There is no magic answer. You can either live on one income or you can't. If you can't, you adjust your budget so that you can. For us, we live in a somewhat HCOL area so we downgraded our housing to make it work. We've been in a smaller home for the last 3.5 years but now were getting ready to move. In the meantime we didn't have to adjust our lifestyle, we maintained healthy retirement savings, investments, emergency fund, etc. so for us the downgrade in housing has been totally worth it.

Love My Lil Princess 509 · August 2013

We rent, so we don't have a huge mortage or bills related to being a home owner. We will buy a home when I return to work eventually. We don't go on vacations and I've been wearing the same clothes for years lol. But, we live comfortably and DD does not want for anything.

bumpuser8448316 · August 2013

Tigger & pooh said:

I suppose you could ask your husband to get a second job or start stripping at night?

Hey, let's not be sexist. Hubby can strip at night!

mylittlesunshine · August 2013

It sounds like SAH isn't an option for you at this time. For right now if I were you, I would accept that and not let it consume you.

I was a WM until a few months ago and had no choice and like you it hurt like hell I couldn't be home. But, I realized if I kept dwelling on it then it would only consume me and make me depressed.

So until it might be an option for you to SAH, I would accept the fact that you need to work to support your family and move on.

Tigger & pooh · August 2013

QueSyrah said:

Tigger & pooh said:

I suppose you could ask your husband to get a second job or start stripping at night?

Hey, let's not be sexist. Hubby can strip at night!

True! But you know how it gets being home all day she may enjoy the extra social interaction!

littlelamb99 · August 2013

I would go to the Money Matters section to post your budget. They can see if you can tweak some things to SAH.

I love SAH and think it's the happiest I've ever been.

spring_time · August 2013

Unfortunately, it doesn't look like you can do it at this point. You even said that you weren't willing to make the sacrifices that would need to be made. Your DH does not seem to be on board, and I think "convincing" someone usually leads to resentment. Most people on this board planned ahead to SAH, or circumstances changed which forced them to make those changes. In all those cases, the DH had to be on the same page.

If you really want to stay at home, maybe start making adjustments now. I was able to take a leave of absence for one year with my DS, but I had to return to work for two years. We made adjustments in those two years, so I could SAH now. We are now taking it a year at a time and reassessing every few months. The reality is, if you need to work, you need to work.

lach1137 · August 2013

thank you for your opinions. To defend myself a bit (since its starting to feel a bit like bullying with some frankly rude comments), I didn't say they were sacrifices I wasn't willing to make - I am, I just have to show my DH that its doable. I need to first figure out how its doable, then show him that. I was asking for advice on those in my situation on how they made it doable, and see if I can relate.

Sorry many of you can't relate and are luckily able to SAHM - I am envious..back to work I go.

notkateanymore · August 2013

Actually you said in the same sentence that you weren't "comfortable" with making the sacrifices you would need to make to SAH...reread.

sschwege · August 2013

I think you pretty much answered your own question. It simply isn't possible at this point.

I am able to stay home because DH always made the majority of our income. So having me work only made sense when we didn't have to worry about childcare costs. Now if I were to go back we would be losing money since we would pay more than my salary in daycare costs. We made cuts, we go out to eat less, canceled our cable, etc. I watch a little boy in our home to bring in a little extra. But these things alone are not enough to make staying at home possible if you are the primary provider.

Nechie122 · August 2013

I just wanted to reiterate what Hocus said. I made more than my DH did up until last year when he tripled his salary (bittersweet!) I was damn proud of myself -- what a wonderful example to set for my daughter, I thought.

Staying home can be great, but it comes with risk, especially for high-earning women. There's financial risk if something happens to your DH's job or your marriage. There's the risk that you could feel unfulfilled and have trouble returning to the workforce. That NYTimes magazine story on the "opt-out generation" has gotten a lot of attention and is worth a glance.

Sure, you can make sacrifices but at what cost? Think about the rewards of working: funding your 401k, contributing to a college account, perhaps living in a better school district or traveling. That's a tremendous gift for your son!

The grass isn't always greener.

kcisthebombdotcom · August 2013

lach1137 said:

thank you for your opinions. To defend myself a bit (since its starting to feel a bit like bullying with some frankly rude comments), I didn't say they were sacrifices I wasn't willing to make - I am, I just have to show my DH that its doable. I need to first figure out how its doable, then show him that. I was asking for advice on those in my situation on how they made it doable, and see if I can relate.

Sorry many of you can't relate and are luckily able to SAHM - I am envious..back to work I go.

First you were uncomfortable with the drastic measures you'd have to take to sah, now they're sacrifices you can make--which is it? I think if you posted a budget with actual figures along with your Dhs solo salary we could give more specific suggestions. Otherwise, me telling you we bought our home in foreclosure before i got pregnant and saved 100k doesn't really help you, does it?

Minipenguin · August 2013

lach1137 said:

thank you for your opinions. To defend myself a bit (since its starting to feel a bit like bullying with some frankly rude comments), I didn't say they were sacrifices I wasn't willing to make - I am, I just have to show my DH that its doable. I need to first figure out how its doable, then show him that. I was asking for advice on those in my situation on how they made it doable, and see if I can relate.

Sorry many of you can't relate and are luckily able to SAHM - I am envious..back to work I go.

Just make a budget. Once you have one written out, it will be easier to see where you can cut. Maybe you can cut cable and buy a Roku. Maybe you can cut your cellphone plan down. Maybe you sell one of your vacation houses. I don't know. Look at your budget and see.

SallyAnneS · August 2013

As everyone else said, there is no magic wand to make it work. Either your ds makes a substantial income and you don't have to worry about it or your make sacrifices that you can live with to be a sahm. Or like many families you just can't afford it and continue to work.

Our situation is that we make sacrifices. I work pt (25 hr/week nights and weekends), we don't take vacations and we have cut bills as much as possible. We buy second hand toys and clothes etc. But we are comfortable with those sacrifies. We still contribute to our retirement and pay down our debts. Oh and I have to drive my car for another couple years before we can afford a car payment.

It has been a hard adjustment though an. And you know what some days I still wish I didnt need to work. But most of the time I am happy to go to work and have some time without ds.

If you can't afford to stay home with a budget that is comfortable to you AND your dh then maybe the working moms board would be able to give you advice on how to deal with the feelings of wanting to be a sahm when you are not able.

ToBeMrsT · August 2013

Post your budget here or on the Money Matters board if you are looking for ways to cut back. Starting now put your check in savings and see if you can get by.

Pay off your debt.

MTipler22 · August 2013

We made lots of decisions that made it a bit more affordable for me to stay home. For example, we sold one of our vehicles and only have one right now. I use one of my parents' vehicles if I need to run errands, appts, etc. and it IS difficult to have to ask for their vehicle and have them drop it off but they are more than willing to help my DH and me out. I also coupon a lot. Couponing has been wonderful for my family. Takes some time but totally worth it.

CavColby1 · August 2013

The grass isn't always greener. Maybe you can get a different job that allows you to cut back to pt? I'm not a sahm. I'm a teacher and I've had off since May 31st. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what it feels like to sah. I'm exhausted, ds needs time with others, and I enjoyed working for a few hours today. As your lo gets older, it will get easier, I think. Good luck to you.

penguingrrl · August 2013

It sounds like you're looking for a way to make it work when you're the high earner. Depending on your husband's income and your lifestyle it may be possible. Without seeing your expenses and incomes it's hard for any of us to give any real advice about whether or not this will be possible for you.

I SAH because I couldn't afford daycare and DHs salary isn't enough to cover our bills plus the gap between my salary and the cost of daycare. I love being a SAHM, but also miss the intellectual stimulation and social aspects of working terribly. I've been trying to find even p/t work to get back into the workforce for the past three months. I've sent out several hundred resumes and not gotten a single call because of 6 years out of the workforce. If you ever plan to go back that's a huge thing to consider. The piece hocus mentioned above discusses this very issue. Many women have left the workforce with plans to eventually return and are finding that either they can't return or they have to return to entry level positions at much lower pay than previously (which affects lifestyle, retirement, etc).

My best advice would be to sit down with a budget. Look through your past three months bank statements, credit card bills, etc and figure out how much you're spending every month. Divide it into categories. Then look at your husband's income and compare it to your costs. If there's a small difference it may be possible to make the necessary cuts and SAH.

If your husband isn't on board that's also a huge factor. It can be disastrous to a marriage to have a SAHP if both members of the couple aren't on board for any reason.

&orchid& · August 2013

We are a low income family where I SAH. We used all my of my income beforehand to get major projects done around the house such as painting the exterior, kitchen remodel, yard, patio, etc. We also paid off my husband's car, two of his student loans, and his credit card. Then we saved up enough to pay off all the medical bills to have our son (10k), and built an emergency fund that was 1 year's worth of bare bone expenses. We still contribute to retirement. I had been saving for retirement since I was 18, so I already had a comfortable amount in mine, so we reduced what we were contributing for me and I'm comfortable with that. I had to purchase insurance outright for my son and I as my husband's health insurance through work would have been half his paycheck.

I serve part time in the evenings/weekends to pay for my insurance.

My husband brings home more of his paycheck since our tax bracket drastically changed. A couple hundred bucks a month.

We rarely go out to dinner anymore. We still spend a lot of money on food though because we try to eat clean, and that's expensive, but it's worth it to us. So no coupons on veggies and meats. I buy most of what I can for our kid on craigslist.

I was the breadwinner, so we used to make 85k combined, and now we're at 35k.

zbeesma86 · August 2013

You have to find a happy medium!

DH works crazy hours- if I were to go get a job, I'd only be able to work Mondays! Who would just hire me for one day a week? No one.

We save and budget like crazzzy! No cable- we have netflix and hulu. We are very energy conscious! Don't vacay... YET. we rent. But we have a budget in place that we stick to! We have very little in savings. But we are happy with how things are right now. It works. Honestly our biggest spending is groceries! Weekly food kills us money wise!

Take what your hubby makes and start a budget. Figure out what you can and can't do OR see if you work for a couple more months and save your money if you can quit and stay at home!

Spin313 · August 2013

We've always lived on DH's salary, even when I worked. All my income was savings and fun money.

Unless you can live on your husband's salary, being a SAHM takes planning and budgeting.

doublefiesta · August 2013

KC_13 said:

I'd say the masses have a dh who earns a sizable income or made financial decisions prior to having kids that made one income doable.

This. When I was pregnant w/DD1 we bought a duplex. The rental income makes it possible for me to SAH. DH makes a good salary but not huge (high 5 figures, which is not very much in a HCOL area like Boston). Other things we do:

One car that we rarely drive. DH commutes by bike or subway.
No TV (so no cable), cheapo DSL only. No live entertainment. Movies 1-2x/yr. Books from the library.
Eating mostly vegetarian, and cooking most of our meals at home.
Taking good care of ourselves to keep medical bills low
Entire family dresses in secondhand clothing
No vacations. Luckily here in MA there's lots to do that's 1-3 hrs/away.
Occasionally rent our spare bedrooms to exchange students
I know this isn't possible for everyone, but I get one good haircut a year. No mani pedis. I wax at home.

Things we splurge on tend to be for DD. Mandarin immersion preschool 2x/wk, good quality baby gear, Y and museum memberships.

We have everything we need and then some. Not everything is perfect but they're the way they're supposed to be, if that makes sense. You and DH need to get on the same page if your desire to SAH is that strong. Good luck!

pastalady · August 2013

I think a lot of people assume its impossible to stay home. I wasn't even thinking about it. I owned my own business. When DD was about a year we started realizing she wasn't typical. She was high needs, w had lots of issues finding her good care. I sold my business thankfully because we got an autism diagnosis about a year and a half later. There was no way I could be working full time right now. All of DD's therapies involve me. The therapists show the parents how to implement. I guess we could hire a nanny to be there for all therapies but its meant to be the parents. So I just want to show sometimes you really have no choice. I do work 2 evenings a week for extra money. We cut down a lot but still contribute to savings, retirement and college funds. Write down all your fixed expenses and then all the other things. Chart where your money is going exactly. Not everyone has high earning DH's, of course that helps lol! Depending on what sacrifices you can make its possible. But be honest about what you can sacrifice. If we couldn't eat out ever or go on vacation, I would work 5 evenings a week to do so. Everyone is different.

rockyrollgirl · August 2013

I am guessing that OP is not coming back to this thread.

blushingbride_08 · August 2013

Project mgt is one of the fields that it is easy to find a work from home job. If I were you I would work full time from home and hire a very good nanny. Have lunch with LO and take a few breaks during the day to spend quality time with LO.

vlagrl29 · August 2013

ToBeMrsT said:

Post your budget here or on the Money Matters board if you are looking for ways to cut back. Starting now put your check in savings and see if you can get by.
Pay off your debt.

This. The ladies on that board are great with budgeting advice. I go on that board regularly. You just need a plan and it's totally doable if you and your DH are in agreement to you staying at home. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way.

bumpuser8448316 · August 2013

NandaB said:

What I was hoping to find here, was some ideas on what other women did to make it work. Guess I need to find a more supportive board.
Well you can just fuck right off. How's that for support?

LOL that you just told her to FRO

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