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Ok, so what do I do?

la79alla79al member
in Blended Families
We have been getting along really well with BM for awhile now.  Past the trifling spiteful stuff and more at the willing to do favors point.  Anyhow, last week we were supposed to get DSD (12) on Friday evening.  I texted her in the afternoon to see what time she was getting here.  She texted me back that she was not home, was out of town with her mom and didn't know if she was coming here Sunday or Monday.  I texted her back that I thought she was going home Wednesday when her brother said she was and that I thought she was on the calendar to be here Friday.  Then BM texts me to tell me that they are still out of town, don't know what time Sunday they are getting home.  DH was pi$$ed that she just kept her, didn't ask and probably wouldn't have even let us know until I contacted her.  So DSD got dropped off first thing this morning and told me that she has a hair appointment this Sat and next Sat.  I told her we are going out of town.  She texted her mom to call me.  When she called, I told her I was going to have DH call her when he's off work.  I know this is going to go very badly. He didn't want her to go in the first place (they are his Saturdays and BM is an hour+ away) and now that she took away this weekend, I'm positive that he won't let her go.  DSD and BM also said something to me about her staying there after her appt on Saturday so that she is at BMs next week to finish her school shopping (she is supposed to be here now until 2 days before school starts).  I know DH is going to say no to that too.  Here's the issue-DSD doesn't really want to go to the hair appointments (or so she is telling me).  She has been saying all summer that she wants her hair to grow.  She is black/white biracial so BM has been getting it straightened for school, which involves trimming off the dead ends and from what I understand, putting lots of chemicals and heat on it.  I told her I would do what I can to work on her hair. She is excited about the idea.  And she is telling me that she doesn't need to go home for school shopping next week, there are a few things she would like to get but for the most part she can just tell BM what she wants.  I don't want WWIII in my house.  Any suggestions on how to proceed with this?  Even if I get her hair to a decent point, I know that the second she complains about it for any reason at BMs house, BM will be calling me to yell.  But I know that DH won't let her go to the hair appointments, though hopefully he'll be dealing with the yelling on that one.  I hate that things have been going so well and this is going to be a step back. 
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Re: Ok, so what do I do?

  • IlumineIlumine member
    I really am not trying to be snarky, but I am going to point out some points that stood out to me, that probably made this whole thing more "trifling" for you, DH and BM.  And that maybe recognizing them, and making changes, your Blended Family will run a bit more smoothly. 

     "I texted her in the afternoon to see what time she was getting here.  She texted me back that she was not home, was out of town with her mom and didn't know if she was coming here Sunday or Monday.  I texted her back that I thought she was going home Wednesday when her brother said she was and that I thought she was on the calendar to be here Friday"

    1.a) You (the parent you) should never ever ever ever put the child in the middle of your communications. It is not only not fair to make them the bad buy (the whole shooting the messanger thing), you open them up to giving you or BM the wrong information (telephone game?)

    1.b) You (the step parent) should never ever ever ever be the one doing the communication, especially if there are immediate issues or longstanding personality clashes.  Again it opens you up to the messenger/telephone problems AS WELL AS enables the bioparents to not parent. 

    1.c.) You should never ever ever ever take the word of another child regarding their parents business.  You just learned that your SD's brother did not have the correct information.  

    Then BM texts me to tell me that they are still out of town, don't know what time Sunday they are getting home.  DH was pi$$ed that she just kept her, didn't ask and probably wouldn't have even let us know until I contacted her. 

    So what did your DH do other than stew in his pissiness?  If you do not SAY or DO ANYTHING about it, then you are tacitly agreeing with the outcome.  Sure, BM was wrong in doing this, but at the same time if she has done it in the past, without any response, she feels that it is totally ok to do it again. 

    "So DSD got dropped off first thing this morning and told me that she has a hair appointment this Sat and next Sat.....DSD and BM also said something to me about her staying there after her appt on Saturday so that she is at BMs next week to finish her school shopping (she is supposed to be here now until 2 days before school starts).  I know DH is going to say no to that too."

    What does your Court Order say?  If this is your CO'd time, then it doesnt matter what BM or SD say, they cannot make appointments on your DH's time.

    HOWEVER, why is BM getting SD's hair done this way?  If your DH does not have primary custody - ie does not have to do the hair makeup more than every other weekend and an evening during the week, then I would most certainly work with your BM on her appointment. 

    Even if SD doesnt want to do her hair this way, it may be what is best for her (12 yos are not known for their stellar ability to do hair on good days, but if you add in a bi-racial hair, it can be NOT pretty) and I can totally see where BM got stuck with the dates (its not like you can just walk into an appointment for a hair straightening.)

    Sure BM should have explained this, but at the same time, given how the other set of parents (YOU) have been happily relying on the child to be the intermediary, she may have just been following your lead and thought SD had explained it to you. 

    I truly believe that you and DH need to fix your communication skills.  I think that you and DH need to enforce the CO, even to the point of filing on BM for not bringing SD back on time. And I think you need to re-think the hair situation. 


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  • twister22twister22 member
    What's the CO look like for you guys in regards to visitation? Do you guys have SD EOWE?

    If BM took SD during your weekend without DH's permission, DH should have filed contempt of court. At this point, he could send her an email informing her that he did not agree with BM taking his time, and if it is done in the future without his permission, then he will file contempt. Or even have the attorney send this.

    In regards to the hair, I would have DH and SD call BM together, and figure it out. BM should have informed you guys earlier and asked permission, not just assumed that she could take DH's time. If it is decided that SD will go to the appointments, then BM should be the one picking up and dropping off SD, and the time should be made up for DH.

    It sounds like BM calls all the shots and DH just does whatever she says.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    Everything Illumine said.  I thought the exact same thing.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    +just+j+ said:

    Everything Illumine said.  I thought the exact same thing.

    Yes, ditto. So glad I didn't have to type that all out myself @Illumine
    :)
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