Expecting after Friend Miscarried

jaceyjc · August 2013

My best friend was expecting and lost her baby at almost 5 months this spring. She would have delivered in a few weeks.

I don't know how best to tell her my husband and I are expecting. I wanted to meet up with her before this weekend, but her schedule doesn't allow.

We are headed to a bachelorette party Saturday and staying overnight with friends in the city. I wanted to let her know before any suspicions arise. (I'm not a big drinker, but considering the occasion I would have had some champagne with dinner. Now, no drinks. Also, I like to stay out late and don't see that happening. Almost 8 weeks along and feeling it.)

She seems to be doing well, but I'd imagine this news may hit hard. I have really been there for her the last couple of months, but not sure how to introduce the topic. Or move forward from there.

I'd like to say something like I'll follow her lead... We can talk about what's going on with me if she wants or give her space from it if that is better. I'd understand either way.

Any thoughts or suggestions? Thanks.

---
Add'l info: My husband and I are otherwise only telling out parents and siblings until at least October. She would be the only friend to know.

Twirple · August 2013

I didn't really have a problem with finding out that women were pregnant after my MC. That said, every woman is different. I have heard some ladies say that they prefer to find out over the phone or via email, so that they have time to process the information and/or grieve before they meet with the Expectant Mother in person. I think you are doing the right thing by telling her in advance and I think saying that you will follow her lead is a good idea.

jaceyjc · August 2013

Thank you, Twirple. I appreciate you sharing your experience. It is very helpful to know your perspective. I understand now that a phone call may be more comfortable for her. And I'll try to talk to her soon so she will have some time before the party.

AcaAwkward · August 2013

I think your inclination is good - telling her you'll follow her lead. I don't have a lot of other advice - I'm in a similarish situation myself: my best friend is doing her 2nd round of IVF in a few weeks... I am conflicted as to whether I should tell her before or after. Ideally, I'd tell her after when she gets her BFP...but what if this cycle fails again and I have to tell her on top of that disappointment? Still haven't decided what's best...

Did not mean t9 hijack your post! Just letting you know I sympathize!

MrsR912 · August 2013

I don't have any good advice, but have been wondering the same thing - one of my best friend miscarried last year after trying for over a year and is now at the point of IVF. I really want to share the good news with her, but not sure how to do it...

jaceyjc · August 2013

Appreciate the support. My other good friend is doing IVF now, but hopefully she has good news by October. Just want to be gentle with their feelings. She is out of state so it isn't as tricky to work around socially. My other friend the bride, is awesome so I don't want to miss her night or slight her. Tricky to stay under the radar with this weekend and then at her wedding in a few weeks and another wedding for my husband's friend the week after that.

AmazinGrace9 · August 2013

I was in this situation recently. I had a MMC in April, and one of my good friends just found out she's pregnant. I received a text message: "I'm preggo!!" (Preggo?! Gag me.) I don't mean to sound dramatic, but to me, this is friendship ruining material. The text proved that my friend has her head so far up her own @ss. I would've much preferred a phone call or a one on one conversation. Be sensitive to what your friend is going through / already went through, and I know she will be so excited for your big news, too! Good luck, lady.

CurlieWhirlie · August 2013

I second Twirple, that's pretty much what I would have said. You're being really thoughtful about the whole situation, your friend is really lucky to have you.

snmetz7 · August 2013

hearing my friends were pregnant after my loss was hard but ultimately i was happy for them. it was really actual babies and not pregnant women that made me go into panic/depression mood.

I think your gut is right. call her def tell her youll follow her lead. gl

chanzlikwilcox · August 2013

I was pretty upset the other night when I received a mass email from my good friend's husband to announce their pregnancy. However you handle it, make sure it's personal. Another friend told me in a private message on Facebook, and I was totally okay with that.

jaceyjc · August 2013

Chanz, I wish we could meet in person but my friend's schedule doesn't allow. I am going to call her. Anything you think would be helpful to hear on her end? Thanks!

chanzlikwilcox · August 2013

The phone call is a great option. I like your idea of giving her space if she needs it. Also, this is a ways down the road, but she may have a difficult time with any of the milestones, especially a shower (I know that's still a ways away). Be very honest when the time comes that you understand and support her if she doesn't feel up for attending your shower.

ButtonGirl82 · August 2013

I have this problem as well! Dont know when to tell our good friends, they have had 2 M/C in the past year. They were both around 8 weeks so im thinking of waiting to tell them at 12 and is in person better or email. Dont want them to have to pretend to be ok with they arent in person.

jaceyjc · August 2013

I have been thinking of the milestones too. I am never going to have a pregnancy announcement in the mail or on FB... Or a baby shower. So that hopefully helps a little. Thanks again!

chanzlikwilcox · August 2013

I feel like the more personal, the better. To me it shows that you truly understand how difficult it may be. But this will only work if you're completely honest with your friends about them not being 100% happy for you right away.

ksulli · August 2013

Absolutely let her know ahead of time. Even if it winds up being an email- just have the title/first line be 'read this when you're home' and then say that you wanted to let her know and give her time to process it ahead of the bachelorette. Even if it doesn't go over well she'll appreciate that you gave it and her some thought. It meant a lot to me to get a message on the EDD of the baby that u lost just saying "thinking of you today". I realize this is still a ways out for her, but to show her a few months down the line that even though you're pregnant you still think of her and the baby she didn't get to have.

porterlove525 · August 2013

eme520 said:
Since this is your best friend, you may want to tell her in person. For other friends I would recommend an email, which you could still do in this case if you felt like that would be better. Be straightforward: I wanted to let you know I'm pregnant. We can talk about this as little or as much as you feel comfortable. I will follow your lead. Love, _________

This. I know that for me it has been insanely difficult to learn close friends of mine were expecting and have now had babies when I should be holding at least 1 of my own. Even seeing pregnant women is tough even though I know I'm pregnant at the moment. A miscarriage changes everything for most women and you're being a great friend for caring so much to not hurt your friend's feelings.

jaceyjc · August 2013

Really appreciate the advice and willingness to share such a personal experience. Thank you!

RubiksElf · August 2013

The PPs gave great advice. I would have preferred a short email about the pregnancy after my miscarriages so I was able to process on my own and wish congratulations when I was ready. Also, it's so sweet how concerned you are for her feelings. Thank you for that!

Avion22 · August 2013

I think, for me, I would have preferred a personal email. I like the idea of a warning to "Please read this when you are at home." You can also mention that you know this is probably hard for her, you struggled with the best way to tell her. Then be straightforward. I think it's also okay to tell her that you are both scared and excited.

It might take her some time to process, so yo might not hear back right away, but I think ultimately she will appreciate that you put thought into it, and cared about telling her in a gentle way.

TMVG · August 2013

Thought I'd add my two cents

When we were TTC for 2.5yrs I found it really hard to see pregnancy announcements on FB - but was ultimately happy for those friends. My closest friend, who has had 2 MC but 3 successful pregnancies, has always called me to share the news and I always appreciated that even when we were struggling with obstacles to fertility. I loved knowing before anyone else (friends-wise) and she understood me best. It's great you are so aware of her feelings and not making any assumptions but want to let her lead.

jaceyjc · August 2013

Spoke with my friend today by phone. Things went well. She was very composed and quickly offered her congrats. Also made a point of thanking me for letting her know early and for being mindful of her feelings. We agreed to follow her lead and let her ask questions more than me just update at random. Her husband is home which makes me feel better. And now that she has some privacy hopefully will give her some comfort if she has a hard time. She really was so sweet, just hope it doesn't put her through too much. I'll certainly be thinking of her and will check in at some point to see how she is doing.

leighbball · August 2013

So very sweet of you to think so carefully of her. I think you did it in a good way

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