tantrums - how long to ignore

traveltheworld · August 2013

So here's yet another post on the topic. DS (12.5 months) has always thrown tantrums and we found the best thing to do is to ignore it. Distracting him won't work, so we usually just leave him be and after he has screamed/cried/kicked for 15 - 20 minutes, we go and pick him up and usually he will calm down at that point.

Well, yesterday he just could not calm down. After 35 minutes, we caved and tried to distract him, hug him etc. And that didn't work either. It went on for 2 hours! So I wonder if it was because we waited too long to intervene so he was past the point of no return, so to speak.

Eventually we took him out of the house and the moment we hit the sidewalk, he was fine; so we knew it wasn't anything physically wrong.

zbeesma86 · August 2013

DD comes on when she is tired more I think. I usually end up laying her down after a major one.

It makes me nervous because she will just THROW herself backwards...no matter where she in- high chair. my arms. DH arms. on the hardwood.

First priority is safety. I lay her down if I can see it coming or move her to carpet.

And I just let her cry and make sure she is safe. Once she is done she toddles over to me and I pick her up. Tell her I love her. Smooch her and move on.

It is so hard to watch her get so worked up over something so small and silly but not being able to communicate it hard. Tantrums are a part of growing up I guess- I hope she stops soon!

traveltheworld · August 2013

We tried toddler-ease with him before and it didn't work - he would just get more upset. One of us always sits with him to make sure he isn't hurting himself while he tantrums for 15 to 20 minutes, and he has never gone on that long before.

Yesterday we tried distracting him with toys, food, our cats - nothing worked! He'd be less upset for a minute, then go back to full on crying and kicking his legs. We tried putting him in his crib - he got up. I tried sleeping with him in our bed - he got up. Frankly, I got scared that something was seriously wrong physically since he wouldn't stop. That's why I wondered if I should have intervened initially within the first 15 - 20 minutes.

juliane2004 · August 2013

DaisyBlinks said:

Oh and I guess up until about 13ish months we had a "crabby babies take naps" policy. He would really only get whiny and upset if he was getting tired so we'd just put him in bed anytime he got riled up and he'd go to sleep after fussing a bit.

This is our policy until they are a little older and can understand time-out or quiet time.

allardr · August 2013

Nicb13 said:

If DS was throwing a fit that lasted that long I would not ignore him. It would take a lot to get him that upset so I would try to calm him down. Don't get me wrong, he has tantrums but they last like 2-3 minutes, tops.

I agree. My LO had a tantrum today when I tried to take a card she'd been toting around due to it being naptime. 2 Minutes later it's forgotten and she's being laid down for a nap. I feel for you ladies though with bigger tantrums.

mlee116 · August 2013

allardr said:

Nicb13 said:

If DS was throwing a fit that lasted that long I would not ignore him. It would take a lot to get him that upset so I would try to calm him down. Don't get me wrong, he has tantrums but they last like 2-3 minutes, tops.

I agree. My LO had a tantrum today when I tried to take a card she'd been toting around due to it being naptime. 2 Minutes later it's forgotten and she's being laid down for a nap. I feel for you ladies though with bigger tantrums.

I agree with PP's. DS throws tantrums, but they never last more than 5 minutes or so unless he's hungry or super tired. I would be worried that it was something more than a tantrum (like he didn't feel good, etc) if it lasted that long and it wasn't because of one of those two reasons.

mommymegan831 · August 2013

I couldn't help put giggle a little at a few of these comments. DS is 15 months and really doesn't have any real temper tantrums, DD is 3 and seems to be getting over them, but they still happen. From what I've seen with my DD and my friend's kids tantrums are at the peak 18 months-2, so those of you who have yet to experience it, they're coming.

mlee116 · August 2013

mommymegan831 said:

I couldn't help put giggle a little at a few of these comments. DS is 15 months and really doesn't have any real temper tantrums, DD is 3 and seems to be getting over them, but they still happen. From what I've seen with my DD and my friend's kids tantrums are at the peak 18 months-2, so those of you who have yet to experience it, they're coming.

Maybe DS hasn't hit his "peak" yet, but 2 hours? Really? That is a long tantrum.

hopefulmom81 · August 2013

Could he be getting his 1 year molars? That sounds way beyond just a tantrum to me. Granted, I only have 1 child who is 15 months old, but she has never tantrumed beyond a few minutes.

traveltheworld · August 2013

Well it happened again today. We were on our flight back from vacation. I was feeding him yogurt, he wanted to put his hands in the yogurt cup, I wouldn't let him - and he had a complete melt down. We tried to calm him down, offered him different toys, snacks, walked him up and down the aisle - nothing worked. He wouldn't even open his eyes to look at us. Even the flight attendant came over to give him "toys" to play with, all to no avail.

After over an hour of screaming/kicking, he finally fell asleep. He woke up perfectly happy - all smiles.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I'm going to talk to our pediatrician since this doesn't seem normal.

sunnyday016 · August 2013

traveltheworld said:

Well it happened again today. We were on our flight back from vacation. I was feeding him yogurt, he wanted to put his hands in the yogurt cup, I wouldn't let him - and he had a complete melt down. We tried to calm him down, offered him different toys, snacks, walked him up and down the aisle - nothing worked. He wouldn't even open his eyes to look at us. Even the flight attendant came over to give him "toys" to play with, all to no avail. After over an hour of screaming/kicking, he finally fell asleep. He woke up perfectly happy - all smiles. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I'm going to talk to our pediatrician since this doesn't seem normal.

I feel ya. My DS is just like this. Once he starts a tantrum, he just does not stop. He will also literally cry for hours, even with us trying to calm him. He just will not stop until he decides he's done.

We've found that the best thing for us is to quickly change what we're doing. If he's melting down inside, we quickly put on shoes and get him outside. It's like he needs a total change to make him forget what he was upset about.

singingirl96 · August 2013

traveltheworld said:

Well it happened again today. We were on our flight back from vacation. I was feeding him yogurt, he wanted to put his hands in the yogurt cup, I wouldn't let him - and he had a complete melt down. We tried to calm him down, offered him different toys, snacks, walked him up and down the aisle - nothing worked. He wouldn't even open his eyes to look at us. Even the flight attendant came over to give him "toys" to play with, all to no avail. After over an hour of screaming/kicking, he finally fell asleep. He woke up perfectly happy - all smiles. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I'm going to talk to our pediatrician since this doesn't seem normal.

wow. that would have sucked to be in that flight.

sunnyday016 · August 2013

Honestly, I think it's normal. Sucks, but within the realm of normal.

mommymegan831 · August 2013

Nicb13 said:

wife07mom09 said:

this is TOTALLY normal, don't worry about the PP who said their LO only tantrums for a few minutes. My DD was like this at perhaps a little older age but even tonight at 3 she screamed for 30 min which I ignored for a while but after she would not stop I picked her up to take her to bed and it shut off very quickly because as another poster said in our house a massive tantrum =go to bed if you dont calm down.
keep reinforcing good behavior, redirecting and since your LO is so little give it time. Once he is a little older he will be better

Uh ok.

ok, yes, it was your comments that made me laugh, including thinking something might be wrong with your child if he had a long tantrum. You seem to have a bit of an idealistic idea of parenthood. Your son is still very young. I know you probably think you've had rough time, but trust me, it gets worse, and if you have another kid you'll wonder why you ever thought a baby was hard work. You come off a little judgmental and ignorant. Good luck!

PetuniaFeatherbottom · August 2013

Wow. I'm petrified. My kid will be 2 in November and has raised her voice maybe twice. Never tantrum or even fussed while teething. I fear I am in for it. It's right around the corner... And #2 is due in dec. good luck you guys!

traveltheworld · August 2013

Well for what it's worth - DS threw the same tantrums each of the past 3 days. Since trying to calm him down by distracting didn't seem to work - DH and I decided to give "total ignoring" a shot. The first day DS went on for 20 minutes, 15 minutes the next day, and yesterday he stopped shortly after 8 minutes. Each time we put him on the floor beside us to make sure he is safe but then we continued talking/eating (whatever we were doing at the time). We didn't wait till he fully stopped crying - as soon as he seems to be trying to calm down himself, we went and picked him up, comforted he and praised him for trying to calm down.

Hopefully this works.

khagan9368 · August 2013

For what it's worth - I have a 4 year old with special needs and a 14 month old; I do not think a 2 hour tantrum is normal, AT ALL. Certainly not a child REGULARLY tantruming over 5-10 minutes... I would absolutely speak to your pedi ASAP. Good luck!

hopefulmom81 · August 2013

mommymegan831 said:

Nicb13 said:

wife07mom09 said:

this is TOTALLY normal, don't worry about the PP who said their LO only tantrums for a few minutes. My DD was like this at perhaps a little older age but even tonight at 3 she screamed for 30 min which I ignored for a while but after she would not stop I picked her up to take her to bed and it shut off very quickly because as another poster said in our house a massive tantrum =go to bed if you dont calm down.
keep reinforcing good behavior, redirecting and since your LO is so little give it time. Once he is a little older he will be better

Uh ok.

ok, yes, it was your comments that made me laugh, including thinking something might be wrong with your child if he had a long tantrum. You seem to have a bit of an idealistic idea of parenthood. Your son is still very young. I know you probably think you've had rough time, but trust me, it gets worse, and if you have another kid you'll wonder why you ever thought a baby was hard work. You come off a little judgmental and ignorant. Good luck!

I don't think she came off as judgmental and ignorant. Definitely not as much as you are coming off as condescending and douchey. An idealistic view of parenting? For not expecting a child to have a TWO HOUR tantrum?!? I would never assume to know if someone on the internet has had a rough time or not. You don't know anything about her household.

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