Those who dealt with fertility issues

lewispm · August 2013

I have an aunt (40 yrs old) who has been TTC for almost 3 years now. We don't see her or my Uncle all that often as they live 10 hours away, but lately we see them even less. Ever since I got pregnant with Kellen, they have come up with excuses not to visit and even skipped out on Christmas, which we ALWAYS spend together. Our only real form of contact is FB and never, not ONCE have either my aunt or uncle commented on or even liked a picture I have posted of Kellen. Now my sister is also pregnant, and it seems my aunt is just searching for ways to cause drama in, what seems to me, to be an excuse to not talk about babies or pregnancy.

For ex: my mom gave them a week at their beach condo as a gift and asked only that she change and wash the sheets and towels before leaving and she FLIPPED and ultimately decided it "no longer felt like a gift and they would have to decline" WTH?

Anyway, I have no experience with infertility and I can tell that she is obviously struggling, but I just don't know how to take it. She is my aunt and I used to be so close with my uncle and now I never see or hear from him. It's sad. I've been contemplating saying something to her about how she is letting her emotions, though completely valid, ruin family ties and that maybe if she embraced Kellen and tried to enjoy him rather than shun him, it would bring her happiness rather than pain. Is this out of line for me to do? What do those of you who have dealt with infertility think? I'm just completely clueless how to handle this situation.

Thanks!

notreal2 · August 2013

lewispm said:

I've been contemplating saying something to her about how she is letting her emotions, though completely valid, ruin family ties and that maybe if she embraced Kellen and tried to enjoy him rather than shun him, it would bring her happiness rather than pain. Is this out of line for me to do?

I think saying this would be out of line. Continuing to treat her the same way you always have would be the right way to go. Keep making an effort until you don't want to anymore, if it remains one sided.

lewispm · August 2013

Ok wow, my sisters and mom and I just received a FB inbox message from my Aunt saying she would be blocking us on FB for reasons "she doesn't think she needs to go into" and how our "insensitivity to what others may be going through" is causing her to hate logging on to FB. She left her cell # and said that if we call her, she will be "sure to return our call in a timely manner". WTH?? I've never said anything but nice things to her on FB ever. I comment on her pics that she looks great and I have been trying to reach out despite the lack or response on her side.

I'm hurt by this, I won't lie. I know she is dealing with some demons right now, but it still hurts.

aylafsu88 · August 2013

I agree with summergirl. I have not struggled with infertility but I have struggled from losses. I was very emotional after my losses. I am sure your aunt is very emotional especially since she wants a baby and has been struggling for so long. Her actions are not meant to hurt you or K but are probably a way to distance herself so that she is not as upset. I would keep reaching out to her and making an effort to connect with her. Eventually she will come around.

BubbaJug · August 2013

I say this from as kind a place and as respectfully as possible... And as I am also a mother who posts photos of her baby a lot... She is hurting much more than you are. Can you imagine aching every time you logged into Facebook?? At every family gathering? That would be so awful. I would send her a letter, letting her know you are available if she wants to talk, that you're praying for an answer to their prayers... But don't let your feelings about how this affects you overtake the devastation they're going through.

pinkangelmoon · August 2013

lewispm said:

Ok wow, my sisters and mom and I just received a FB inbox message from my Aunt saying she would be blocking us on FB for reasons "she doesn't think she needs to go into" and how our "insensitivity to what others may be going through" is causing her to hate logging on to FB. She left her cell # and said that if we call her, she will be "sure to return our call in a timely manner". WTH?? I've never said anything but nice things to her on FB ever. I comment on her pics that she looks great and I have been trying to reach out despite the lack or response on her side.
I'm hurt by this, I won't lie. I know she is dealing with some demons right now, but it still hurts.

Wow, I'm sorry she is doing this. I blocked a few people in my time, but I would have never accused others for being insensitive for posting pics of their kids. It's not like you are posting pics of Kellen to make her upset. But infertility affects people differently and I don't blame her.

At this point I would just give her some time to deal with her issues. Explain that you are there for her and that you are sorry if you made her upset but that it wasn't done intentionally. Pretty much just be supportive and understanding. Do not make her feel like she is wrong for feeling the way she is or that she is ruining family ties. Hopefully she will come around sooner than later. Best wishes to them, sending tons of baby dust that they will get their own LO soon.

lewispm · August 2013

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful responses. You are right, she is definitely hurting more than I am. I guess I just get frustrated that she seems to be making herself even more miserable by being this way. I mean, she is a family therapist, so I guess sometimes I just wonder how she can perform her job all day but then can't even bare to mention or even request to meet my child.

I know, I need to be more sympathetic and understanding and I will work on it. I wrote her back that she could call me anytime and that I truly hope she can make it up to visit sometime and that we miss her. I guess the ball is in her court now. I just hope she can find happiness in life regardless of the outcome of her struggle with infertility.

Thanks again, ladies.

Bucks County Newlywed 808 · August 2013

Not sure if I have any advice, but I just went through the same exact thing with my sister, who had been TTC for several years. She completely put her head in the sand with Jackson and never commented, liked, etc. on FB or asked about him on the phone. It was heartbreaking, and fortunately the only thing that has improved it all is that she is now pregnant after IVF! It's night and day now. She comments, likes, etc! It made me very sad, but my mom, who also struggled with infertility, just said I had to be patient and try to understand how she felt. Again, no advice really...but I hope for success for her and for a healed relationship for you all.

lewispm · August 2013

Bucks County Newlywed 808 said:

Not sure if I have any advice, but I just went through the same exact thing with my sister, who had been TTC for several years. She completely put her head in the sand with Jackson and never commented, liked, etc. on FB or asked about him on the phone. It was heartbreaking, and fortunately the only thing that has improved it all is that she is now pregnant after IVF! It's night and day now. She comments, likes, etc! It made me very sad, but my mom, who also struggled with infertility, just said I had to be patient and try to understand how she felt. Again, no advice really...but I hope for success for her and for a healed relationship for you all.

Wow, I can't even imagine going through all that with your sister of all people. I'm so glad she was able to get pregnant! I am hopeful my aunt and uncle will also get to experience the joys of parenting. Thanks for helping me realize her behavior may be more normal than I thought!

Bucks County Newlywed 808 · August 2013

lewispm said:

Bucks County Newlywed 808 said:

Not sure if I have any advice, but I just went through the same exact thing with my sister, who had been TTC for several years. She completely put her head in the sand with Jackson and never commented, liked, etc. on FB or asked about him on the phone. It was heartbreaking, and fortunately the only thing that has improved it all is that she is now pregnant after IVF! It's night and day now. She comments, likes, etc! It made me very sad, but my mom, who also struggled with infertility, just said I had to be patient and try to understand how she felt. Again, no advice really...but I hope for success for her and for a healed relationship for you all.

Wow, I can't even imagine going through all that with your sister of all people. I'm so glad she was able to get pregnant! I am hopeful my aunt and uncle will also get to experience the joys of parenting. Thanks for helping me realize her behavior may be more normal than I thought!

Yeah, it was rough all around, but I'm sure especially for her. I think your aunt's behavior is completely normal from our experience, and like I said....I hope it's a happy ending for all of you soon. My sis has an U/S on Friday to make sure 1) everything's still growing and good and .......2) If it's twins!!! Ahhhhhh!!! She had 2 embryos implanted!

Oh yikes, just scrolled up and saw about her FB inbox message.

Well...maybe she needs a FB break if she's not in a good place right now. And I'm sure it's not just you that posts baby pics, etc. I'm sorry

apollonia10 · August 2013

I'm sorry she's acting this way. Although her actions and messages are obviously extreme and inappropriate, I kind of see where she's coming from. If I were AMA, struggling to get pregnant for the first time, and two of my nieces had gotten pregnant before (she might see it as "instead") of me, I would be in a lot of pain too.

I used to sit in OB offices, for post m/c follow-up and PCOS diagnoses and all kinds of nonsense, and these pregnant ladies would be there with their big beautiful bellies, and I would be PISSED at them. Why did they have to wear such tight shirts to show off their bellies? Didn't they know how much it hurt me to see them?

After having DS I can see how ridiculous this is. And I would never ever vocalize my feelings to those women, like your aunt has done. But I wouldn't say anything to her about it; she's not coming from a rational place.

singingirl96 · August 2013

dont' take it personally. It has nothing to do with you. If it was the other way around, you'd probably be feeling the same way. IF is really tough. She'll come around eventually. She may even apologize in the future.

singingirl96 · August 2013

I should add that unless you're dealing with IF yourself, you will never be able to know how she's feeling. You may think you can imagine what she is going through, but you can't. really. It really is a strong, uncontrollable feeling of loss and lack of control. It is incredible heart wrenching. It is very difficult to be happy for others when you can't have a child of your own. She's having a hard time controlling those very strong emotions. It is very hard. Only someone who's gone through it can understand.

lewispm · August 2013

singingirl96 said:

I should add that unless you're dealing with IF yourself, you will never be able to know how she's feeling. You may think you can imagine what she is going through, but you can't. really. It really is a strong, uncontrollable feeling of loss and lack of control. It is incredible heart wrenching. It is very difficult to be happy for others when you can't have a child of your own. She's having a hard time controlling those very strong emotions. It is very hard. Only someone who's gone through it can understand.

I completely get that I will (hopefully) never understand her feelings. I can imagine that infertility would be one of the most trying things to ever have to go through. I would never claim to understand what she is actually feeling, but just to understand that she is hurting more than I can fully understand. I'm sorry you ever had to go through this and thank you for the insight!

RTaylor12 · August 2013

Am I the only one who thinks it's really shitty of her to call you insensitive for posting pics of Kellen? I can understand her explaining gently to you why she's blocked you but shaming you for doing something every mother does is kinda crappy. I'm sorry she said that to you.

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