Does it get easier?

StepMomHopingForMyOwn · August 2013

I just got my period after my second IUI treatment and I'm devastated. For some reason, I really thought it would work this time. My husband and I have been trying for almost a year, and my reactions to the heartbreak seem to be getting worse. I can't stop crying and I'm feeling very hopeless and alone. I start IUI round 3 tomorrow, and since it's the last round before exploring other options, I feel even more pressure and anxious about it. How did you all get through the devastation every month? I'm not coping well...

JalepenoPepper · August 2013

I hope so. I start IVF #1 today...just got my period yesterday. This is all so new to me, and so overwhelming, and I admit, I am not coping well either. I'm just hoping and praying that by some miracle (literally) one day I can give my son a little brother or sister.

I hope the same for you!! And you are not alone.

KC1212 · August 2013

First off, I am so sorry. I did 2 IUI's a few years ago with clomid & trigger and they both failed. BUT we are Male Factor Infertility and the IUI post wash sperm counts were only about 3 million. Not exactly great odds.

I know this is cliche but, my husbnd and I tried 4 years which included several months of clomid and timed intercourse, and the 2 failed IUIs I just mentioned. We had lost all hope when we were surprised by getting pregnant naturally with my son who is now 19 months.

Now we are trying for number 2 and are doing so naturally first before we seem treatment again.

Anyway, I'm getting off subject. The 4 years before we were blessed with our son were very dark times for me. Seriously, a pregnancy test commercial would break me down.

I suggest you protect your emotional health as much as possible. I eventually quit baby showers and would just send a gift with my regrets.

I didn't go down the baby aisles at grocery stores, etc.

Also I relished in doing the things that moms and/or expectant moms could not do. I drank, sometimes, (back when I had Facebook) i would put a status update bragging about my wonderful nap! (Something a mom doesn't get!)

I highly recommend quitting Facebook TTC. The constant bump pics, announcements, etc. trust me are not doing you any favors right now.

To get over the disappointment of a failed month I highly suggest putting all your effort into the next month. This always has a way of restoring hope for me.

Focus on stress relief, diet, exercise, etc. My friend on here (her name is MJC116) is as sweet as punch, she is doing IUIs too. I think she is working with an accupuncturist. You might want to pick her brain on it.

When I got pregnant with my son I was doing yoga. I don't know if that had anything to do with it but it was very relaxing and healing for me.

I've tried to give practical solutions here, but, in the end I know nothing really stops the depression from continuous failed cycles

StepMomTryingForMyOwn · August 2013

Thanks for the reply JalepenoPepper. I am hoping for the same for you. Is IVF your first form of treatment or did you try something before?

StepMomTryingForMyOwn · August 2013

Thanks KC1212. That is helpful. I have been getting right back up after each failed attempt, and focussing on the next month, but I guess magic number 10 is hitting me harder than the others. I've never tried acupuncture, but I will get some more info about it and contact your friend for advice. I think yoga could be helpful, but it's very expensive where I live, and I can't really justify the membership fee on top of my regular gym membership. I've tried just doing it at home, but let's be honest, who can actually relax in their home?? Thanks agin for taking the time. It's my first day on this site and I can see why my friend directed me here. Lots of support to be found

freakyfast · August 2013

Hi there... I wish I had some special advice that would help you and everyone else with the pain, and with everything being smooth, but I will just say good luck, I will be thinking about you, and this site is great for support.

StepMomTryingForMyOwn · August 2013

Thanks freaky fast. Looks like you've had a heck of a road thus far. I wish you the best of luck as well and I hope we all end up with everything we ever wanted out of all of this. Anything worth having is worth fighting for!

JalepenoPepper · August 2013

This is my first anything. Due to my diagnosis (high FSH, very low AMH) my RE wants to be aggressive and go straight to IVF. If this is my reaction before even starting IVF, I can only imagine how I will be if/when it fails. Trying to stay positive, but it's so hard.

*hugs* I'll be on this board throughout this process. seems like the ladies on this board are beyond supportive and encouraging!

freakyfast · August 2013

StepMomTryingForMyOwn said:

Thanks freaky fast. Looks like you've had a heck of a road thus far. I wish you the best of luck as well and I hope we all end up with everything we ever wanted out of all of this. Anything worth having is worth fighting for!

Thank you. We are strong we can and will get through this. It may hurt and be a rough road but you are right it is worth fighting for.

KC1212 · August 2013

StepMomTryingForMyOwn said:
Thanks KC1212. That is helpful. I have been getting right back up after each failed attempt, and focussing on the next month, but I guess magic number 10 is hitting me harder than the others. I've never tried acupuncture, but I will get some more info about it and contact your friend for advice. I think yoga could be helpful, but it's very expensive where I live, and I can't really justify the membership fee on top of my regular gym membership. I've tried just doing it at home, but let's be honest, who can actually relax in their home?? Thanks agin for taking the time. It's my first day on this site and I can see why my friend directed me here. Lots of support to be found

Yoga at home is not the same, IMO. I tried a few times only to have the cat in my face.Lol. I'm fortunate to have an affordable studio in my area.

MJC1116 · August 2013

Awww, @KC1212, thanks for the love! I think you're pretty great too!

StepMom, I wanted to say welcome and that I'm sorry you're having trouble. I'm in my tww of my 2nd IUI cycle and I have a good feeling, too, but I will never be certain because IF is so up and down. DH and I have been trying for almost 2 years and my reactions always vary, but after the first IUI failed, I was destroyed. So I understand your heartbreak. Our RE will only do one more IUI if this one fails, and then we have to explore other options. I think DH and I are at the point where we are not ready for IVF and we would maybe try to move on before next summer and then readdress it then.

Do you have a good relationship with your RE? What is your diagnosis? Did you do a medicated IUI or Clomid with IUI? Sometimes it makes a difference in your chances. I say this to you so that maybe you won't take it so hard (though I know from experience that it's so much easier to say that then to actually feel it).

And yes, I have done acupuncture for over a year now. Originally, I started going to treat chronic migraines, and then I transitioned to infertility. Last year things were so much worse for me -- my FSH was 12.8 and my AFC was 11. FSH should be under 10 (anything above is not good) and for someone my age, I should have been producing at the very least 15 follicles each month. Add that to a shortened luteal phase, and the cards were not stacked in my favor. Since submersing myself into acupuncture, my hormone levels are normal and I've produced 18 follicles each monitored IUI cycle. Add that to a normal ovulation day and a normal luteal phase, and things have really turned around. I attribute all of that to acupuncture, I really do.

You could read Dr. Randine Lewis's book "The Infertility Cure" for more in depth acupuncture information.

In any case, it's okay to be upset and to spend some time grieving, but once you've done that, remember that there is always hope and that each cycle brings the potential for a new beginning. Something I've been repeating to myself since my last breakdown is that my baby is out there. His or her soul is traveling towards me as I move towards him (or her). And each "failure" is really one step closer to that baby. May be silly, but it brings me a lot of peace, especially in dealing with big disappointments. Good luck to you!

MJC1116 · August 2013

KC1212 said:

Thanks KC1212. That is helpful. I have been getting right back up after each failed attempt, and focussing on the next month, but I guess magic number 10 is hitting me harder than the others. I've never tried acupuncture, but I will get some more info about it and contact your friend for advice. I think yoga could be helpful, but it's very expensive where I live, and I can't really justify the membership fee on top of my regular gym membership. I've tried just doing it at home, but let's be honest, who can actually relax in their home?? Thanks agin for taking the time. It's my first day on this site and I can see why my friend directed me here. Lots of support to be found
Yoga at home is not the same, IMO. I tried a few times only to have the cat in my face.Lol. I'm fortunate to have an affordable studio in my area.

I forgot to mention -- there's a yoga DVD available for like $40 and it's called Restoring Fertility. It's aligned with Chinese medicine and is divided up into sections based on where you are in your cycle. So you'll do certain yoga poses and exercises during your period in order to "wash out" your system, then a follicular phase, then an ovulation phase, and then an implantation phase. Each one is different in length but is between 30-45 minutes. I agree -- it's SUPER hard to do yoga on your own at home and there's no benefit of having an instructor to help correct you, but what I've been doing is putting it in during nap time (since I'm home right now) or I've instructed my husband to do bath/story/bedtime so that I can have 30-45 minutes of "me" time to do that.

StepMomTryingForMyOwn · August 2013

Thank MJC1116. I appreciate your positivity and hopefulness. I am about to start my last round of IUI (100 mg Chlomiphene + 250 mg Ovidrel + IUI )before we explore other options, and that terrifies me, to say the least. I don't feel like I have the luxury of time as I will be 35 on my next bday, and my step-kids are 5 & almost 9. I will probably only have one child and the more time that passes, the larger the age gap, and the more my child will feel like an only child. I know that all of these thoughts merely add pressure, and make my situation worse, I just don't feel like I can help it. I never imagined being 10 months in and not pregnant. My friend and I started "trying" at the same time and she gave birth yesterday. I am so happy for her, but feel so empty and devastated and I am starting to lose hope. My reactions vary as well, and this, by far, has been the most intense, emotional and paralyzing. I will be returning to the hospital tomorrow to get the blood test (although I have been heavily bleeding since yesterday and I know it's my period), then I will start on round 3 right away.

I have read and reread the last paragraph you wrote, and will continue to do so until it sinks in. Intellectually I know how right you are, and how helpful a mind frame like that can be to my situation, but my heart is running the show at the moment, and I can't seem to stop crying.

Thanks again for all of the support ladies.

roughkat · August 2013

I know how you feel as far as the sadness and desperation as each month goes by. I just turned 35 this summer and there's something about reaching that age that really gets to you. My best friend and I also started trying at the same time and she has an 8 month old baby. I'm waiting for a few months from now when she decides it's time to go for another and laps me.

I don't post a lot on here but I can tell you that it has done wonders for me to have found a community who totally, totally understands all the fear, pain, and sadness that goes along with this.

Wine has also done wonders for me!

StepMomHopingForMyOwn · August 2013

I'm so sorry roughkat. You and I really are in the same boat. Sending you big hugs and a huge glass of wine! Cheers

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