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Working Moms
sweetsunnyc
member
Who else dreads the judgement when their mom comes over?
sweetsunnyc
member
in Working Moms
Just got a call from my mom and she let me know that she is coming over when I get off work tonight-
I love her dearly, but I get so stressed when she comes over. I feel like the house is never clean enough, the kids are too wild, the dog jumps too much, I look tired, we don't have enough food in the fridge.......etc.
She does have good intentions- she's bringing dinner for the girls and wants to celebrate my 5 year olds first day of kindergarten, but I do get so stressed about the judgement.
just a quick vent 
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Re: Who else dreads the judgement when their mom comes over?
My mom doesn't judge per se (at least she doesn't vocalize any judgement to me), but I always feel like she's watching DS and assesing him (don't know how better to explain it) and then she'll feel the need to comment on it, sometimes negatively. Example: We were in music class and she came along. DS was not really interested in playing the instruments; he wanted to touch them and look at them but he never got into to actually playing them. After class, she told the teacher that she did not think DS had any musical talent in him. The look on the music teacher's face was priceless. Talk about awkward.
I should add that my mom is wonderful grandma and complimentary to DS in many, many ways. But, these moments always irk me.
My mom is very judgey and opinionated. It's just who she is. I know she isn't going to the change. The only thing in my control is me and how I'm affected by her judgement. So I choose to ignore her and I choose to not let it bother me.
I know it's easier said than done, but why work yourself up over someone else's opinion?
I do not tolerate judgements from my mother. I speak up for myself. So over time, she's learned to keep quiet.
My mom does this. I tend to bottle it up and eventually snap, then I feel guilty. She lives far away, so I'm trying to not let it bother me.
My moms criticisms are hidden by her "helping". We clean the house before she visits, but then she'll find something to clean. It is hard because she is trying to help, but I just feel judged the whole time. Like how did you not notice your stairs are dirty, I'll get out the vacuum. I'd actually prefer if she just didn't help.
I used to feel this way more than I do now. I think my mother still judges some things - mainly things that she managed better than I do while still working and raises three kids with very little help from my dad - but now, I just don't know that I really care. Yes, she made dinner for us every night and her house was much less cluttered and neater than mine but I know I'm doing the best I can right now.
I think it also helped that last Mother's Day my mom gave me a card and wrote in it how my kids are a credit to what a good mom I am. Knowing she feels that I am a good mother just makes the rest not really all that important.
Hope you got through it okay!
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
It's more my MIL than my mom. My MIL is much more organized than me, recycles almost everything, composts almost everything else in her backyard composter, eats organic veg that she grows herself and organic meats that are delivered to her home from a local farm, works out everyday, thinks all moms should BF forever and cosleep forever.
I agree with some of my MIL's "great" causes, but I don't have the energy for it all the time. So sometimes it gets to me that she talks very loudly, very often, about how such and such thing (that we clearly don't do) is sooo important for all of mankind and what a shame that more people don't make the effort.
With stepMIL I've turned to giving ther the silent treatment when she makes one of her comments.
MIL I've barely talked to after her visit when dd was 5 weeks old and she couldn't have been more intrusive and less helpful... And unsupportive. That was a year ago. I'm only half dreading her upcoming visit but can't wait for her " isn't my son the BEST daddy?" Tirades that seem to repeat like a broken record.
I think what I'm going to start responding in an earily calm voice is " I may not make the same parenting choices that you would make but that doesn't mean that I'm wrong, nor does it mean that your unsolicited comments are appreciated." And see how we'll I do at returning the favor of shit people shouldn't say to loved ones.
Yes, I'm still a peach.
I try to be nice and when I can't be nice, at least polite to my MIL. Based upon past experience I've learned that my MIL won't say things to me, she'll wait until I'm not around to bash me to my DH. I almost wish she's just say things to my face so I could call her out on it. I know at least once that my DH told his mother off for doing this (yeah hubby) but I know she and my SIL (her daughter) still seem to complain to DH (undermining his confidence in my/our decisions) every opportunity they get. I HATE women like that and I end up with 2 of them as family. Groan.
My mother on the other hand will tell me right away if she doesn't like something or doesn't agree with something, and I'll either let her know that I'll consider her advice, or tell her to MYOB and that's that and we move on. I'm so not used to the behind your back, get offended by every little thing communication style.
UGH! This is what I deal with too. MIL and SIL don't voice any concerns/differences/questions about what I may say/do/plan etc. Instead they talk to DH. It drives me up a wall. Why not just ask me, talk to me? It drives DH up a wall too because he feels put in the middle, and most of the time has no clue what I have actually said/done in front of them because he wasn't there. It's almost like they are tattling to him and trying to find out if he knows/is on board with how I am parenting out child. To DH's credit he always takes my side/supports my/our choices to them when this happens.
My parents are really awesome and totally non- judgmental. I will say though I never perceive my parents helping us out by cleaning, doing yard work or our laundry as them being judgmental. I just see it for what it is...they notice things need to be done and want to help take dome of those chores off our plate. In regards to parenting they are both great at offering options/suggestions/advice, but never judge what we actually choose to do.
Good to know that I'm not the only one that has to deal with these feelings-
My mom truly does have the best intentions at heart- she just says things that really get under my skin. For example, the other night she looks in my pantry (which is fully stocked by the way) and says "If I would have known you were out of eveything, I would have bought you groceries"
It's becasuse I didn't have any chips.
And for the posters that are talking about their MIL- I hear you on that front. Mine is comletely and totally crazy. She is a religious zealot convinced that we are allowing deamons in our home because we allow our girls to have unicorn and fairy toys- and this is just the tip of it. I could write about her insanity all day (and she's a clinical psychologist)