Still needs to be held constantly....

MaggieF516 · August 2013

My DS is almost 14 months old. I'm getting somewhat concerned as he needs to be held almost constantly. Of course I thought this was normal when he was an infant and just assumed he would grow out of it, but nothing seems to be changing. I will try to do something simple like put groceries away, make dinner, etc. and will set him on the floor to play and he will immediately start crying and crawl over to me and try to climb up my leg so he can be picked up. I'm not trying to ignore him on purpose, I just sometimes need to have my hands free to do things LOL!

I think part of this problem is because he is watched by his grandma while I work and I think she holds him all day. I've tried to just let him fuss a little so he learns that he isn't going to get picked up the second he cries, but he doesn't stop. It always escalates until I pick him up. I'm unable to get anything done around the house until after he goes to bed. I know that babies are needy, but this just seems pretty excessive at this age. I'm thinking maybe he needs to go to daycare one day a week so he grows a bit more independent. I don't know what else to do though. I want to give him the attention he needs, but I think he is also becoming a bit needier than other babies his age. Anyone have advice? Also, this isn't due to teething, sickness, etc. It has been going on his whole life. Thanks in advance!!

zbeesma86 · August 2013

DD has her days like that. I hold her while making lunch/cleaning up/doing all sorts of stuff.

She mostly wants to play with me or get my attention- so I try to get done so I can sit and play. OR distract her and let her feel like she is helping me. when I do laundry I give her some towels to 'fold' and she throws them around. Or when I unload the dishwasher I let her put the baby spoons and forks away. She loves it.

DS just wants to be involved perhaps? Once I let DD participate she doesn't want to be held, she wants to 'help'.

blu-eyedwife · August 2013

Is he teething by any chance? Between 12.5 and 13.5 months my son went through this phase. He was getting his 1 year molars in and wanted to be held ALL.THE.TIME. I had to use a carrier around the house to get things done. Once his molars came in, he went right back to his independent self.

mnb311 · August 2013

Not to be rude but children are the way they are because of the parents. So if you always held him all the time then that's why he is like that. I had to hold my son pretty much all day and night when he was tiny because he had bad acid reflux and I often even had to sleep in the recliner with him on my chest because that was the only way he could sleep, BUT I always made sure he also had plenty of time in his rocker and on his play mat and he is actually a very independent child and very very active, he never wants to be held! He'll want to be picked up and then not 1 minute later want to be out down so he can run around and do his thing. He plays by himself very well in fact his most favorite thing is running away from me! Anyway since you created a clingy baby you will have to slowly change that

dufferoo · August 2013

Here's a thought... It sounds like he doesn't just want your attention, he wants to be physically held, right? So maybe as a baby step, you could try getting him used to playing on the floor with you right there paying attention to him, so he gets used to the idea that he doesn't have to be in mommy's arms to feel secure, and then once he's really comfortable being down with you right there, and he starts to enjoy playing with toys and stuff, then you can start to get up and work on other chores for short amounts of time. It might just be too stark of a change to always have to go straight from cozy in mom's arms to all alone on the floor, you know?

mrsshawnavanb · August 2013

When DD does this, I will put her in her highchair in the kitchen and give her things to play with then I will bring the laundry to the kitchen table or continue cooking, whatever the situation may be. Maybe he just doesn't like the "playing on the floor"? Just a thought, good luck!

mnb311 · August 2013

I didn't mean it to come out harsh, just saying that children are a product of their environment and how their parents treat them. I was speaking from experience seeing some of my friends kids who were never put down and now they're 2 and 3 years old and still have to be held all the time and are very whiny.

mlee116 · August 2013

mnb311 said:

I didn't mean it to come out harsh, just saying that children are a product of their environment and how their parents treat them. I was speaking from experience seeing some of my friends kids who were never put down and now they're 2 and 3 years old and still have to be held all the time and are very whiny.

This is an unfair generalization. Just because a child wants more attention than another doesn't always mean that the parent is doing something wrong. There are plenty of parents who have a child like OP's and then a sibling who is far more independent. I agree with PP's that this could be a personality trait and it can be improved.

DS is this way too. Some days more so than others, depending on what's happened that day, how long we've been apart,etc. Its better since he's started walking bc he can get around and isn't stuck in one spot, but he still has his days. I distract him by letting him "help" me, pull up his high chair and give him a snack or get DH to step in. I also save special toys just for times like these so he's entertained. I don't usually stop to hold him but I do let him know that I'm there and paying attention to him even if I'm not holding him. Once I'm done with whatever task, I definitely pick him up and give him my full attention.

dufferoo · August 2013

mnb311 said:

I didn't mean it to come out harsh, just saying that children are a product of their environment and how their parents treat them. I was speaking from experience seeing some of my friends kids who were never put down and now they're 2 and 3 years old and still have to be held all the time and are very whiny.

Another long-term perspective: I held my daughter all the time when she was a baby. I practiced a lot of attachment parenting with her, though I didn't know the term at the time. She became very attached to me and was certainly clingy into her second and third year. I continued to respond to her needs without resentment. She's now 10 and we have a very close bond but she is also very confident and independent. She can make brownies from scratch all by herself, and I never carry her anymore.

Bluebird2318 · August 2013

I often have the same issue with DD. She doesn't seem to like playing with her toys for very long unless I'm right there on the floor with her, giving her direct attention. I'm not sure why this is. We didn't always hold her all the time, so I don't think it's an issue of getting used to something new. She's been sleeping in her own crib since 6 months. She falls asleep on her own without fussing for any more than 5 or 10 minutes. Sitting in her high chair with a snack or toys while I finish cooking (or whatever else I was doing) seems to work for a little while, but I haven't found a better solution than that so far.

NerdyMama2 · August 2013

DD is like this too. I still use my Ergo sometimes if she wants to be held and I have to clean or take care of something else.

torneen · August 2013

Our daughter was like that until we started daycare. Granted she was very young at the time, it helped a lot. I stayed home with her for 12 weeks, then my parents watched her until she was seven months. At that time, we decided to take her to daycare instead because she was getting spoiled rotten at my parents house. Now, I know my logic sounds a little weird there... but we don't want to raise a spoiled child who is used to being waited on hand and foot all day long. It is not realistic or balanced. Sometimes you have to pee, or put away gorceries, or do something... and not holding your child for a little bit while you handle those needs is okay. It took a little while after she started daycare, but she will happily run around and play on her own now (she is 13 months) while we watch. She still wants to be held when she is tired, and I am happy to oblige... but it isn't a 24/7 "hold me" game anymore. Much better family balance, especially since we are expecting our second now.

TIP: When I am putting away gorceries... I pull out the tupperware drawer for her to play in. She loves pulling out all the cups and bowls and putting them on her head. Gives her something independant to do while I can put everything away and watch her. Is there a drawer or cupboard that you would feel safe letting DS in?

Juliaarlene · August 2013

When DS is like this i put him in the backpack carrier. He's happy to be with me, and I can do anything i need to- standing up. So much better than front pack or sling because he's not grabbing at everything!!

Divallyn · August 2013

I definitely recommend daycare but not one day a week. They will never grow used to it and each time it will be stressful. I have read study after study on childcare as well as talked to a child pysch (who's a friend) and quality center care is the best for kids over 12 months (even compared to parental care). Care by a nanny or family is considered the lowest in helping them develop, then parental, then quality center care. Don't get your tail feathers ruffled everyone this a generalized conclusion not for every.single.situation. Maybe three days a week at six hours a time? That will at least give your child a chance to get used to it and adapt and become more independent.

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