DS had a MELTDOWN! Advice please!

ambrvan · August 2013

I posted this in the preschool board, too.

DS is 3.5, birthday in December. He just got bumped up to the four year old room at his preschool on the first week of August. The transition has not gone well. Today it was so bad that I got a note sent home saying he was kicking and screaming after I left, kicked his teacher in the stomach (she is pregnant), and slapped another teacher in the face when she came to see what the commotion was about.

I am embarrassed, hurt, disappointed, and very frustrated by all this. I have been getting notes daily about him screaming at his classmates and sometimes hitting them, too.

I am at a loss because he does not do these things at home. Anyone he gets to a level of intensity that get might be get of control, because he still just a toddler and self-control is not exactly there yet, I simply remove him to sit on his bed until he has called down and then we talk about the unacceptable behavior. If he is not to that point, I normally take a more active approach with consequences. But in that state, he is not going to hear it or cooperate with it and everyone would end up in frustrated tears.

His teacher's note asked me today for tips to calm him down, but I don't have any that they don't already do. Tine out. Remove from situation.

Tonight's consequence for kicking and slapping at school, which he was aware he did and told me he did it because he wanted to go to work with me instead of stay at school, was no movies (we do not have cable, only DVDs).I told him if he comes home with a good report tomorrow from his teacher we can watch a special movie together. He find me he will tell the teachers he is sort for hitting and kicking tomorrow.

I am at a loss for what do.

ldmessing · August 2013

why don't they just put him back in the 3 year old room?

fellesferie · August 2013

It's hard when you don't actually see the behavior.

But here's my $.02:

Whatever is happening sounds like symptoms of a problem rather than the problem itself. I would not punish this at home, primarily because IMO there's too much separation between the event and the punishment. How do they punish at school? I would ask for a 2-3 minute time out. I'd also ask them to put him back in the 3-yo room for now.

Another option is going to the school and trying to observe for a few hours.

ambrvan · August 2013

Thanks. DH and I are meeting with the director this afternoon. DS went in and apologized to his teacher without any prodding. He dropped off well and was playing this morning when I left. We had a lot of preparation for it, taking about expectations before hand.

Felles, age appropriate timeouts are their consequences at preschool. But timeout is really only efficient with him for calling down. It is not a deterrent for him. It used to be but is Just not working anymore. Taking away privileges and having the chance to earn them back by "showing good behavior" gas really been effective for him at home. My words to him and SD both have become "show me, don't tell me."

I told the director I wanted to meet with her to discuss the most united way for us all tofollow through with DS and because I think that hearing from them will help get DH on board. He has turned a 150, not quite a 180, at home as far as united and calm discipline goes and we have seen a lot of good changes very fast with the kids. But he is reluctant to let DS continue to attend at an institution where he thinks he is not happy. But I think it is Something other than not being happybecause I have secretly hidden and watched him play and he has made lots of friends.

We'll just see how this meeting goes.

Littlejen22 · August 2013

Why are they putting a 3.5yo in the 4yo room? Just make sure they are doing it for your sons benefit because often when this happens at daycares it is to make room for another kid in the younger room and your son still sounds very young for that room.

CurlieWhirlie · August 2013

Agree with LittleJen, a lot of times when a kid is "moved up" it's to make room for a younger sibling or something like that, and the daycare or preschool will try to make it sound like a promotion in order to sell it to the parents. My son's preschool wanted to move him up to the older group in school, and we had to write a very persuasive letter to the director of the school asking that he not be moved. It really sounds to me like he wasn't ready for this change.

fellesferie · August 2013

How verbal is your DS? I ask because when my DS was 3-4, he would hit when he was frustrated or angry and couldn't express how he felt. He was a slow/late talker. My DD is now 3.5 and talks a LOT (10-20 word sentences are normal for her), and we have not seen that level of frustration from her. Maybe with the change + different expectations of a 4-yo room, your DS is having a hard time?

I don't doubt that giving/taking privileges at home can work well. I'm just not sure that at his age, you can effectively punish hours after the bad behavior.

When you go talk to the school, try to ask what was happening in the 5 minutes or so preceding his outbursts? I get where you're coming from on wanting to extinguish the behavior, but I would really want to know why it's happening.

KTdidit · August 2013

I agree with PPs that it sounds like he was moved up too early. Did he act up like this in the 3YO class? I think with the rest of the kids being almost a year older than him, he may not know how to play or communicate at their level. At your meeting with the director, I would seriously discuss moving him back down. If he didn't have this problem in the previous class it should be obvious to them that that is the problem.

ambrvan · August 2013

Almost his entire class from the 3s moved upwith him. They advance in August of that will be having a bIrthday before December ofthecoming school year. My DS' s birthday is in December. So all but two of the children in this class are currently 3 going on 4.

Next year they will either advance to kindergarten or, if their birthday is after the cut off date for school, the pre-k room. That way no one noticeably gets "advanced" or "held back," at least not noticeably to the children. They do did not just move up my DS or I would be more concerned. The class moved up, so all of but two kids in there he has been with for a while.

So anyway, our meeting with the director went well. She said she is not alarmed by his outburst, it happens. She just felt it was something we needed to know about. Age once that one outburst in the morning was over, he was happy and playful and social the rest of the day. She said if there were any inclinations that he wasn't happy during the day, she would certainly let us know. She also said that there are about 7 of 10 in his room going through similar phases at the moment. We talked about the discipline chart that she has suggested to the teacher for this class, and I think it will work well for DS. We also talked about our approach at home, and she said his behavior was much better and the conscious apology was a good indicator of awareness of his actions and retention of consequences and expectations. We agreed that the discipline chart, like a conduct chart, and the privileges were a good start for him.

So here is to hoping.

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