Am I wrong?

Cewilliams207554 · August 2013

I've seen a couple of people post their need for an opinion regarding the birth and who gets to be in the room, so I thought I would get an opinion about my decision from you lovelies.

I had a sort of emergency c/s with my ds (went in for an appointment, high blood pressure , developing toxemia, left with baby 4 days later). During the time I was waiting on the blood test to come in, I phoned everyone. Mom, dad, husband, and IL' s. My mom and dh got to the hospital right away since they were going into the operating room with me. The c/s went fine and I was sent to the recovery room with baby, ds, and mom. Not more than two minutes later fil was in the room snapping pictures, than gmil about five minutes after that. Then ds went to the nursery and they transferred me to my room and I was joined again by visitors and had visitors for most of the visiting hours every day.
I understand that my ds is everyone's first grandchild and they were excited. I am also happy that we have people who support us, but I was EXHAUSTED! Plus I feel like dh and I didn't get a lot of bonding time because there was always someone else there.
This time around if I have another c/ s, my mother will still be there with my dh, but I don't want to make this big 'I'm having the baby' announcement. I want everyone to find out after the baby is born and not come to see us until the next day so I can sleep and dh and I can have some bonding time. If I have a vaginal birth it will be the same thing.
Some may think it's not fair that my mother gets to be there and dh' s mother does not. All I have to say is that my mother makes me feel comfortable and his doesn't. I want people there who are not going to stress me out or try to take my dh focus off of me and the baby.
No one did anything wrong with my first delivery, I just felt completely overwhelmed! Plus we had like ten people at the house the day we took ds home.

So, am I wrong in my thinking? Btw, sorry for the long post!

nbbride06 · August 2013

I could have written your post myself, c-section and everything. I'm right there with you. I don't think it's wrong at all. I am purposely asking MIL and FIL to stay with DD this time so they won't come until we ask them to bring DD.

waterlily2k2 · August 2013

I don't think so. I explained this to my mom tonight why I wanted her help and not MIL's. I'm the one pushing a baby out my vag, not MIL, so it should be what I want and makes me comfortable. Not what MIL wants. Honestly, I would either go your route or send a mass text/email to everyone laying down the law when it's time to have the baby. Good luck!

Cewilliams207554 · August 2013

nbbride06 said:
I could have written your post myself, c-section and everything. I'm right there with you. I don't think it's wrong at all. I am purposely asking MIL and FIL to stay with DD this time so they won't come until we ask them to bring DD.

This is what we are going to do too . Have them watch ds and come when I'm ready to introduce him to his sibling. I will probably send dh to get ds and have IL's sit in the lobby for a little bit so ds can meet the baby without any distractions.

Cewilliams207554 · August 2013

waterlily2k2 said:
I don't think so. I explained this to my mom tonight why I wanted her help and not MIL's. I'm the one pushing a baby out my vag, not MIL, so it should be what I want and makes me comfortable. Not what MIL wants. Honestly, I would either go your route or send a mass text/email to everyone laying down the law when it's time to have the baby. Good luck!

I used a line like that on my dh when I told him my birth plan. 'I'm the one getting cut open to birth your child, I need to feel as comfortable as possible'. Needless to say, he understood, lol.

DamnPrecious · August 2013

Nope, not wrong. I'm the patient and the parent. I do what I want.

KatelynEA90 · August 2013

I don't think you are wrong at all. It all sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

When I had DD1, my mom, my sister, and DH were in the room. MIL won't be in the room for any delivery of mine and DH never questioned it. We told people from the beginning that they needed to call before coming to see us. Everyone complied. She was born just before 4pm. We let everyone know she was born and said we would call when we were in the recovery room so family could come see her that day. Family( my parents and sister, DHs parents and brother) and my BFF came that night. Everyone else came the next day and called to check with DH first.

knottie3c0525a8a3c64eaa · August 2013

You're not wrong. It's your baby. I'm doing the same thing this time around. Another csection and I want no visitors the first day until I can shower and get out of the hospital gown

SvedkaStoli · August 2013

You are not wrong. I would do exactly that,

dltate29 · August 2013

I am a FTM so I dont' have any previous experience other than being a visitor for my sister's two births and my sister-in-law. I found sitting around waiting for the baby to arrive rather boring. I was elated to help be there to support and to see the baby once it did arrive but I also felt like I was invading their privacy.

Personally, I want to have all the time at the hospital I can get to recover and bond with my baby and H before family bombards us. We told my MIL that the biggest help she could be to us during the birthing time is to take care of our dog for us. Everything else will come on our terms when H and I are ready. She was not happy but hopefully she respects our wishes.

twobluelines · August 2013

For us my in-laws are "conscientious objectors" when it comes to vaccinations. I have a condition where I do not maintain antibodies despite having repeated vaccines which means our baby will have no antibodies upon birth. OnTop of that my father is dying of cancer. For all of these reasons we will not be letting my in-laws see the baby until we are able to get our baby vaccinated and tested to make sure they are ok. This is going to piss them all off but is being done on the advice of the head of infectious diseases for our hospital. But my family and I am choosing to keep them safe.

vstevens · August 2013

I personally have no issue with DH / mom in the delivery room with no MIL, though I know I've seen women on TB argue that it's unfair to allow one but not the other. It's your body, your labor, and your decision. DH is there to support and share in the experience with you, but there's a BIG difference between DH's role in labor and yours.

Once LO is born and you're comfortable taking visitors, I do think that then everyone has to be treated fairly (obviously depending on past history, which can necessitate special accommodations / considerations).

JaneW2 · August 2013

For the labor, other than necessary medical personnel, the only people there should be people who help you and make you more comfortable, and it's probably easier not to have a crowd. I get along find with my MIL, but we aren't that close, and I wouldn't be comfortable with her around during delivery. After the baby comes, all close relatives deserve prompt notification and photos, and everyone should have a chance to see the baby promptly, barring special circumstances.

Twobluelines: You're right. Why should you indulge the whims of someone who can't manage to prioritize the baby's health and safety? If they want to cuddle their newborn grandbaby, there's still time to get shots.

MrsGraham06 · August 2013

At the hospital where I've had my children, we are asked by the nurses station if we are up for having visitors before sending them in. The problem with my 1st was that I didn't know the nurses' definition for "some" visitors: half of my dad's family came all at once!

Since then, I'm not afraid to say No, I'm tired, go away for a couple hours. Also, there is a no visitors rule for the afternoon (like 1-3) so that new mommy gets a break anyway.

Good luck!

NickyHolo · August 2013

I don't think that's unreasonable at all. Call them after a successful delivery and they can come visit you when you're at home and settled. I wouldn't want a big crowd in my delivery room either.

CanadianGamerMom · August 2013

Only DH will be in the delivery room with me. I'm going to be letting people know beforehand that I don't want a whole mess of visitors right away after baby is here. I want time to bond and whatnot with LO and DH. I know if there are a bunch of visitors all the time I'm going to feel very overwhelmed and stressed out, and that's not what I want.

ShhItsASecret · August 2013

No, its your body and your baby. I had pretty much the same thing with DS1, I was surrounded by people from the time I was in labor until we left the hospital 3 days later. With DS2 I put my foot down and we never even called anyone until the next day after he was born, other than my Mom who was there the whole time. SMIL and MIL (I'm blessed with 2) were both extremely pissy about it but they got over it. Same plan for this time, my SIL will stay with my older boys while we are at the hospital and she knows to keep her lips sealed because she knows her mom and step monster and both whack-a-do's.

happyturtle03 · August 2013

You have to do what makes you most comfortable and expect everyone to understand and respect your wishes. If you are tired, you have every right to say "I'm so happy you all are excited for us and happy to meet baby, but I really need some rest, could you please come back tomorrow instead?" With my first, it was my mom and DH in the delivery room, and only my dad came to the hospital right after baby was born. They kept it all pretty quiet and easy for me. With my second, it was only DH and I in the room because we had A LOT of medical personnel in there. After we were settled after the delivery, my mom brought in my 3&1/2 yr old to meet her baby brother, no one else came until the next day, but the day we came home from the hospital my entire family showed up at my house and I was so overwhelmed and exhausted by it that I burst into tears. Everyone started freaking out worrying what was wrong and when I blubbered "I'm so tired!" they were very understanding and took the 3 yr old out for a while so that hubby and I could just have some quiet time with the baby and I could rest. You just have to speak your needs and ask everyone to be understanding because this is YOUR birth experience and it is most important that you are comfortable and as stress-free as possible.

cnwilbur1030 · August 2013

nbbride06 said:
I could have written your post myself, c-section and everything. I'm right there with you. I don't think it's wrong at all. I am purposely asking MIL and FIL to stay with DD this time so they won't come until we ask them to bring DD.

Ooooo...Good idea! I need to use this one! With my DD labor and then ultimate c-section my ILs (who, if you remember from my last post, invite themselves over for everything including my vacation) literally camped out in my room with their computers and watched baseball. I was only able to sleep because I was so exhausted!

curlyfries1079 · August 2013

You are on the right track!!! You have to do what is best for you, your child, and husband. I have already decided I will only have My DH in the room with me and NO ONE ELSE!!!! I know if I have more then just my husband I will focus more on the fact that I need to entertain them on not focus on the important work giving birth!!!

Thank you for posting this I didn't even think about the possability of having to many visiters!!! I will make sure I announce minimum to no visitors until we are ready.

bnik · August 2013

No way not unreasonable at all. If you are too tired,then you are too tired and they should understand that. Have your husband explain it yo his family. Thankfully we live 20hrs away from family. Maybe 10 if we move like we were told we are. So they have to drive a while once they get the call. But both our parents are divorced I'm not having 4 set of parents and our siblings just coming to hang oout

megngregk · August 2013

Not wrong at all. I'm a FTM, but the only people in the delivery room will be my BFF and maybe my mom if she's up to it. DH will be oversees. Everybody else will have to wait until baby is here and I'm ready for visitors.

sparrowmomma24 · August 2013

I feel like you stole my words but made them MUCH more elegant and polite! I feel THE SAME WAY. I lost a baby 2 years ago. I was 13 weeks pregnant but it was ugly. I had contractions (no idea that's what they were) and had the baby in my bathroom. I was rushed to the ER and ended up going through 5 more hours of labor and a 45 minute delivery to get the placenta out. After it was done I was admitted and had to wait to see if I needed surgery. My WHOLE FAMILY showed up. I'm talking all 6 of my aunts, their husbands and kids, grand parents... it was a circus. And I was in shock. I had just held my 13 week gestation child and had to give the body to the doctors for disposal. It was devastating! I know they all meant well, but having my younger cousins in their trying to talk to me, and family around trying to console me was not what I wanted. Even though their hearts were in the right place.

BTW, when you picture my family think my big fat greek wedding, but almost all female... it's crazy.

So now I've been blessed with this healthy baby, the first grand child and great grand child for all sides of my family. I've already told everyone that only my parents and sister will be there. No one else will be notified. We will send out notifications when a) the baby is born and we are all ok, or b) there is an issue and we want prayers (God forbid).

I think you are making a smart decision. It's not about them. This is about you and what you and your baby need FIRST. They can all be there to celebrate later, when you are rested lol

rowanthefrog · August 2013

Nope, not one bit

A

Amarantheansea · August 2013

I completely agree

it's such a special bonding moment between mom, dad and baby.... It should be enjoyed to its fullest! It doesn't mean that you don't love and appreciate everyone else......;). it's just nice to have that moment where nothing else exists except you, your husband and the beautiful new life you brought into the world....

Cewilliams207554 · August 2013

Thanks for the encoragement ladies!

Mommasay0 · August 2013

I had pretty much the same experience when my first was born. So when my second was born I had MIL keep DS1 while DH and my mom were at the hospital. I have my mom be at the OR in case of emergency, she has calming effects on both me and DH.

Mommasay0 · August 2013

Oh and when DS2 was born we had no visitors other than immediate family at the hospital. It was amazing! But also a little boring and I had too much time to think and miss DS1

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