Dodging advice without being rude?

Pookers7 · August 2013

What do you do when you vent or seek advice about a problem and get super non gentle advice (CIO)? I find myself instantly getting mad and defensive about it. My child isn't perfect, and we all need to vent. But it's not really venting when people tell you you're killing your child, kwim?

musicalmama5 · August 2013

Yeah, that's annoying... I had a well-meaning neighbor today ask me if my son was eating jar food yet because the other baby on the street has been eating it for a couple months now. I told him he was still EBF and would be until about 6 months (didn't even mention that I will probably never give him jar food). He didn't seem convinced that that was best until I said something about the pediatrician recommending it. I don't think the pediatrician excuse would work in a cosleeping situation though...

opheliainwaders · August 2013

I did actually manage to find a pedi who co-sleeps! But yeah. I haven't had to do this much, yet, but I'm a bit a of an academic nerd, so I fall back on,"We'll, I've looked at a lot of research, and based on X, I will/won't be doing Y." So far, that's almost exclusively limited to CIO and EBFing, but I'm sure other things will come up...I admittedly get a bit of a "treachery" tone, which probably comes across as a bit know-it-all sounding, but my apparent willingness to cite statistics certainly works to shut people up!

erbear · August 2013

I give a good "well, this is what works for us" and let it be. No one really pushes it, nor do I put my parenting decisions out there for people to judge.

Pookers7 · August 2013

Yeah, my pedi knows about our cosleeping and is officially against it (don't they have to be, with the AAP being against it?), but we just avoid the cosleeping subject. He's a wonderful pedi otherwise. I do have articles and such I can show people (like the James McKenna studies) but that seems excessive and propagandist, you know?

Pookers7 · August 2013

gulickr said:

I did actually manage to find a pedi who co-sleeps! But yeah. I haven't had to do this much, yet, but I'm a bit a of an academic nerd, so I fall back on,"We'll, I've looked at a lot of research, and based on X, I will/won't be doing Y." So far, that's almost exclusively limited to CIO and EBFing, but I'm sure other things will come up...I admittedly get a bit of a "treachery" tone, which probably comes across as a bit know-it-all sounding, but my apparent willingness to cite statistics certainly works to shut people up!

This is what I tend to do, and I think I'm coming across as kind of bitchy/pushy. Maybe I just need to leave it at "I feel comfortable based on my own research and it works for us?" Rather than start rambling about lobby groups and crib manufacturers? Hahaha.

Emerald27 · August 2013

When well meaning people make comments about our parenting (if we even tell them what we do RE cosleeping, extended breastfeeding, gentle discipline, etc.) we either tell them that this is working for us right now and we don't fix things that aren't broken, or we say that whatever it is is important to us and we're happy.

That said, not too many people know DS sleeps with us, and most of those that do keep their mouths shut.

Most comments I get are about weaning DS. I tell them he'll wean when he's ready.

TiffanyBerry · August 2013

I'm in the "We are comfortable with our approach and it's working for us. If we need to change it, we will change it. Thank you." camp.

Schell2013 · August 2013

I simply tell people that I would way rather have her in my bed and get a full nights sleep, she had been STTN since 6 weeks old than her be in her own bed and possibly start waking up a whole bunch cause she is upset. Everyone sleeps great so it's working great for us. Nobody has pushed the issue after I have stated that.

boogerbearoriginal · August 2013

Depending on the context I reply with a few canned answers. This is what works for us, or everyone is doing the best they can type reply. If someone accused me of endangering my child, then I'd be a little more forceful but instead of defensive, I'd turn it around "Why do you think that?" or "Really, I'd love to see the study where you got that information, do you have the name/author handy?" Make them defend their position vs. you defending yours.

And sometimes you just have to say "I don't want to talk about this." even preface it with a "not trying to be rude" if you think it will help. And then change the subject to the weather or something completely different.

If I know someone doesn't agree with my choices, and will be rude/argumentative about it, I try really hard to avoid the topic altogether. So no talk about sleep period, not even just cosleeping.

Good luck - it's hard to stay rational when someone is saying you're harming your child.

Meganequine · August 2013

I pick carefully who I vent to for things. If they are close to the same page as me, then I'll vent to them. If I think I might get a "well that's because you did/didn't do XYZ" then I don't say anything. Sometimes with my mom I can say- I don't want advice or comments- I just need to get this out. I agree- sometimes you do just need to vent.

Pookers7 · August 2013

I don't really think it's possible to discuss the daily life of my baby without mentioning AP stuff or venting a bit sometimes? I know I don't pressure folk with my opinion when they vent. It's a bit different than asking for advice. I don't think I'm "asking for it".

Pookers7 · August 2013

I'm proud of it too, and I usually don't care so much. But after being through all that crap together I thought we'd still be... well... together. I think I'll try to tone in down a bit when talking to certain folks. The thing is, I coslept with the older one and I'm completely safe. I'm talking no blankets, no pillows, empty room with a Japanese mattress on the floor. She's safer on that mattress than any crib you could find. Maybe I'll join the mom's group my Birth Center started. I bet it's nothing but gentle parents.

MagickalNarwhal · August 2013

It IS possible to share about your daily life w baby without mentioning you AP choices. These people have made it clear that they are not the right people to "vent" to, specifically when it concerns AP stuff. It sucks, but that's how it is.

JJ_13 · August 2013

I understand the TTC journey and wanting to share with people who shared that journey with you. It is a difficult road to go down. Before venting/discussing with people who don't necessarily share my parenting views, I preface things with something like "I really believe all families have to do what is best for them" or "There are a million ways to be a good parent" but we're choosing to do X. And I do believe those statements, but then I'm not hardcore AP'er. Now, all that said, I have lost touch with a lot of the people with whom I shared my infertility journey. I found that just b/c we had that in common and they were a source of comfort there, does not mean that, once parents and through the infertility journey, we still had much in common. Friendships come and go. Still, if someone said I was harming my child by doing some specific thing, I would definitely counter/argue with that person. That particular comment was out of line.

Pookers7 · August 2013

That sucks about losing touch with folks. We aren't really APers, but it's the closest thing to what we do. I'm driven by research in everything I do, and I'm proud of my eldest. We obviously did something right there, and she has an intense personality. Typical parenting would have been horrible for her.

I think, honestly, the comment was made in genuine fear. With all the stuff from the AAP, and ads circulating around with babies sleeping next to knives (bedsharing) in fluffy beds it's no surprise people have become scared of it. It's just amazing to me that women who research everything and pour dollars, time and tears into making and keeping a precious baby would suddenly just stop reading. I cosleep because I'm genuinely uncomfortable with her not sleeping with me. I want my breath and warmth keeping her safe. When she was born she had amniotic fluid in her lungs still from a crazy fast delivery and fast respirations. We tried oxygen but it didn't do much (she was breathing fine, good color, etc) My midwife had me hold her against my bare chest and just like that she was fine. There's magic in touching.

Unknown · August 2013

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Pookers7 · August 2013

My sister was the same way with breastfeeding. She wrinkled her nose and said "So... how long do you *have* to do the breastfeeding thing?" I personally love it! It's pumping at work that I hate. I think I weaned too soon for both of us with my older DD. She started sucking her thumb (still does and she's almost 4) and I felt a bit sad. She was 14 months. I'll try baby led weaning this time I think.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

"What we're doing is working great for our family, and our pedi has backed our choices (whether they have, or not doesn't matter)" and that's all I say. If they try to push the subject I just matter-of-factly say "This subject is not open for discussion." It seems to work!

Pookers7 · August 2013

I like it!

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