Husband having second thoughs

ytraccmj · August 2013

I am so devastated. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 5 years, dr says we r both fully capable of having children but not sure why we arent. we have thought about ivf but decided to adopt when an acquaintance became pregnant and was unable to keep the baby. we have had 2 baby showers, re did the nursery and have paid the lawyer. he came to me today an said he wasn't sure if he was ready to be a dad. he is the one who was the driving force in having children, I being 30 when we got together wasn't sure if I wanted kids but with his coaxing I agreed to adopt when the "Golden Opportunity" presented itself. so now that my hopes are up and I am an excited "expectant" mother, two months from delivery he changes his mind? is this cold feet, is he just scared?? omg... my brain is going a million miles minute. is this normal? do al dads get scared at the last min?

Dr.Loretta · August 2013

IMO yes this is normal. People who have bio children often have an "OMG what are we DOING???" moment. Let's step back and hear what he had to say:

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a dad"

That can mean SO many things. "I'm scared about how our life will change" "I talked to my buddy yesterday and he told me the newborn phase sucked the life out of him" "I have no idea how to handle a newborn, and I'm freaking out" "I'm going to be physically and financially responsible for a human being and, I'll be honest, it scares the crap out of me" Or a million other things.

It doesn't sound like he said, "I don't want to do this any more" "I don't want kids" "Let's take all this stuff back". He may be thinking how nice it is to be able to verbalize this with you, and was perhaps finding a (clunky) way to check in with you and see how you were feeling now that there's an impending baby in the house.

So before you go straight to devastation, get yourself to a calm place and talk to him about why he doesn't think he's ready. Does he need to hang out with some babies to feel more comfortable? Read some books? Attend a newborn care class? Or is it something deeper?

Hopefully this is just a little blip.

ytraccmj · August 2013

He was born with a severe cleft palate and his father walked out of the hosp and he was never to be seen again he said he is worried he will be like him (I have told him time and time again he isnt anything like his father). he said hes worried he has no parenting sills ( despite he is the oldest of 8) he is a chef and works crazy hours so hes throwing that into the mix. I am not sure what to do.

BooksBoots&Brownies · August 2013

I agree with Dr. L. From what you've said, it sounds like he's having anxiety about being a father, which (IMO) is totally different than not wanting to be a father. I think that any time life changes in a significant way, all people tend to have moments of "can I do this?!" It's like going away to college, or the time you get your first real job, or move away from home for the first time- for a little while, the fear of the unknown can overshadow the excitement of something new and good.

It sounds like you're reassuring and supporting him through this emotionally tough time. Deep breath! It's going to work out fine, and he's going to LOVE being a father, once he gets over the fear

IRR · August 2013

My DH wasn't sure he would be able to fall in love with a baby that wasn't genetically related to him. Well just being at the hospital with our first failed match changed all of that. He knows he will love any child we are blessed to be given. I think the "cold feet" are normal. Like Dr. L said try to understand what is freaking him out and you have two months to figure out a plan to alleviate his fears.

Dr.Loretta · August 2013

Well, don't you think his fears are valid? It sounds like he didn't have a good father figure, so he worries that he doesn't have anyone to model after. And he hasn't been a dad yet, so he's worried how he'll be. And he works crazy hours which probably already makes him anxious about spending enough time with you and your LO.

I know it sounds cliché, but you may want to consider counseling. With his issues with his dad, just saying, "It will all work out" probably isn't going to help. Having someone help him work through the issues may at least give him some perspective

None of us have parenting skills. We had NO idea what we were doing when we first started. That's OK, and again it's a valid fear.

BooksBoots&Brownies · August 2013

Dr. L, I definitely think his fears are valid. I can see why he'd be apprehensive about becoming a father considering his life experiences. Counseling is always a good option. But the fact that they've already gotten so far into the process and that he's just now voicing these fears sounds more like 'cold feet' to me than the desire not to be a parent. If she becomes upset about his feelings or 'change of heart', too, it could put them at odds and might not leave her much room to support him and talk through the feelings as partners. In that case, counseling would be a good way to provide a safe place to talk. But whether the venue is counseling or at home in their bedroom, he deserves to be heard and supported.

Good luck, OP! You've come this far, so stay strong!

Dr.Loretta · August 2013

BooksBoots&Brownies said:

Dr. L, I definitely think his fears are valid. I can see why he'd be apprehensive about becoming a father considering his life experiences. Counseling is always a good option. But the fact that they've already gotten so far into the process and that he's just now voicing these fears sounds more like 'cold feet' to me than the desire not to be a parent. If she becomes upset about his feelings or 'change of heart', too, it could put them at odds and might not leave her much room to support him and talk through the feelings as partners. In that case, counseling would be a good way to provide a safe place to talk. But whether the venue is counseling or at home in their bedroom, he deserves to be heard and supported.

I couldn't agree more. I was suggesting counseling more from the perspective of dealing with his father's behavior, as well as the OP finding ways to have these conversations without immediately going to "I'm devastated" instead of "let's talk about this more".

GL OP. Let us know how it goes.

[Deleted User] · August 2013

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ytraccmj · August 2013

I agree counseling would be a huge help for us. he has been through extensive counseling for his child hood trauma. we already were planning on going after the adoption to help us understand all feelings involved since we r acquaintances with the birth family.

i agree that its "cold feet". perhaps "devastation" was a knee jerk reaction. perhaps "severely frustrated" would have been more appropriate.

I will always support him in his decisions but i don't think this was a well thought decision.

i am a very easy going person and can roll with pretty much anything but i am going to stand firm on this. I have only stood firm one other time in out marriage and it worked out famously. we are going to his mother and step-fathers house tomorrow evening and i am hoping his mothers words of wisdom will soothe his unease. if that doesn't work, i will have my gramma talk with him. she is the smartest most caring woman that ever walked on the earth in my eyes. we are also having a 3d ultra sound ad i am hoping when he sees little Jaxon's face he will lose all doubt.

I appreciate all the opinions and i will welcome more till this is resolved. I have taken tid bits from each of them. thanks again.

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