If you want more kids...

unaveragejane · August 2013

DH and I have been talking about whether or not to take the plunge and TTC again. Aside from finances, what things did you consider as important in your baby-making timeline?

For us, I need to go back to work with the school system within 5 years to keep my retirement benefits. I've already been off for one, and we prefer for our kids to be 2 before going into DC full-time. This means that we need to TTC in the next 6 months or so to hit the window just right. Then again, I want DS to be old enough that he's a little bit more independent before we have another LO. (I have this horrible vision of trying to get a screaming NB in a car seat while DS plays dodge 'ems with cars in the parking lot.)

So what things are you considering in your family planning -- aside from finances, which I'm sure is part of everyone's considerations unless you're this week's lotto winner. :-p

drbethc · August 2013

For us it's lack of childcare...

Samiantha101 · August 2013

Personal sanity is a big one here. ;-)

I was really nervous about having 2 under 2,before my mc. With that said, it's just me and my husband. We don't have any help from family or friends. It's a lot. If I were to have another, I don't even know who would watch AJ during labor/delivery. It's concerning.

On the other hand, I want to be done having babies by 30. I turn 27 in two weeks, so it's getting to be crunch time.

Finances aren't really a huge deal for us right now. We're not rich, but we can afford for me to stay home, so the expenses of having 2 wouldn't increase that drastically in the beginning.

jess9802 · August 2013

Career considerations - having DS delayed my transition to partner at my firm by a year, and perhaps longer due to the reduced schedule during the first year of his life. I want to make partner before having a second, and be billing and collecting more.

Child care considerations - my mom watches DS at our house, which is ideal. But she'll be 63 this year and is not in the greatest of health. She thinks she'll be able to watch a second baby, but if we wait too long that gets less and less likely. So we have to consider the cost of child care/preschool for two children.

Physical space - my teenage stepson is going to be living with us now. While we've always maintained a room for him at our house, we knew that we could make adjustments since he was only with us during summer and Christmas breaks. But now he'll live with us during the school year, so we have to consider whether we can fit a second baby in DS's room (would be super tight). We'd be looking at a larger house, and the 4br houses are harder to find and more expensive in the good neighborhoods. Then there's vehicle space - two car seats plus a tall teenager? We're looking at upgrading my sedan to a minivan, so taking on a car payment we don't currently have.

Age - I'm 33 and had hoped to be done having kids by 35. Right now our plan is to begin TTC next summer/fall, which would put me having #2 just before my 35th birthday. But I'd like to lose weight and get a bit more in shape before I do, and with the financial concerns listed above it may be best to wait another year. I had a healthy enough pregnancy but that is no guarantee for subsequent pregnancies.

Emotionally I am getting ready for another, but I think there are a few moving pieces, so we'll just have to see.

khill86 · August 2013

Samiantha101 said:

On the other hand, I want to be done having babies by 30. I turn 27 in two weeks, so it's getting to be crunch time.

This is one thing I'm considering. Even down to turning 27 in two weeks.

Another is that I'm still breastfeeding and my period is no where in sight. So even if I wanted them close, it's not an option because I'm not willing to wean yet.

I want DS to be more independent and not have any issues with jealousy, feeling like he doesn't/didn't get enough of my time, etc. I've read that jealously no long becomes at issue around age 4. Instead of #1 and #2 sharing mom and dad, it becomes mom, dad, and #1 sharing baby.

I also figure if we have another when DS is 3, he'll likely be in pre-school so I'll have time alone with the baby, DS can stay home with me for that year I'm off, and then he's off to school when I'd go back to work. So we'd avoid two in daycare.

Finances aren't really something that play into our decision. Neither is whether or not they'll be "friends" or "close." My sister and I are 18 months apart and essentially strangers. We don't talk and have never had any sort of relationship, only because we're so different. So, to me, closeness or shared/similar experiences aren't something I'm worried about.

ETA: we're also toying with the idea of not having any more. We'll reevaluate when DS turns two and see how we feel then.

DawnLilly · August 2013

We do not have room for another toddler. Newborn yes but DS walked at 9 months so we have to consider another mobile before a year baby. We have three rooms right now. The third is currently an office and there is barely a foot between the extra twin bed and desk and I can't fully open the closet door. We will need to finish the basement and build another room and I'm not ready for DS to be down there alone until he's able to consciously come wake us when he gets up.

We also have two trucks and I would not be able to fit two car seats in there. We need a SUV.

DH and I also need some time to be a married couple again. We are in a good place but I think its important for us to reconnect before the mayhem of pregnancy and the newborn stage again. We did not do well last time. It may sound selfish but a happy mom and dad are happy babes. We are starting to make plans to take a trip this year, maybe Cancun or St. Lucia...

We thought we'd start TTC when DS turned one but both made the decision we weren't quite ready. We use family planning methods though so.... Well its worked so far.

mylittlesunshine · August 2013

Sanity for us as well. I got pg with DD2 right before DD1 turned 2, so they are just shy of 3 years apart. I give props to those doing a smaller age gap, but it isn't for us...especially since DD2 is high needs.

We are still unsure if we will have another, but have agreed to wait another year before making that decision.

JessieCupcake · August 2013

Space. We simply do not have enough room in our current apartment. It's hard with just the 3 of us in such a small space.

Everything else is purely financial. I'd be TTC already if we could swing it.

acbfreire · August 2013

Sanity. I haven't slept in 6 months... Finances... I am 33 now. So age too...We may be done (but I am still keeping all the baby stuff for now)

venussapphire · August 2013

khill86 said:

Another is that I'm still breastfeeding and my period is no where in sight. So even if I wanted them close, it's not an option because I'm not willing to wean yet.

Sigir · August 2013

Hi there, I am about to turn 37 and pregnant w # 3. I rushed this baby bc of the time constraints I was putting on myself w getting older. If any of you are concerned about your fertility as you get older, and that is one of the reasons you are putting yourself on a deadline, read this awesome article from the Atlantic. If I had read this a year ago I may have waited longer!

https://m.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

Good luck to everyone as you make your decisions!

unaveragejane · August 2013

@Sigir, thank you for sharing this! I am one of those women who are also looking at the clock. I'm not as worried about my fertility as I am about birth defects and developmental disabilities. I know that the article reported low incidence of chromosomal abnormalities, but I have also seen research that indicates that the incidence of autism and related disorders is significantly increased for mother's over 35. Phew. There are just so many factors to consider!!

BR · August 2013

Time is the biggest one. I'm 35 and it took me years to get pregnant with DD. Also, I've always wanted my kids to be close in age. Miraculously, I got pregnant a few months ago, but miscarried. I just found out I am pregnant again so I am nervous but very hopeful!

giggles0918 · August 2013

Well were due with #2 in Dec that was 6 months before we expected to have another LO but we ended up moving into a new house that we would have done regardless of having another LO. I work part time so finances/child care was ok for us with two LO's. Age is probably the biggest factor though. I'm 31 and DH is 36 and I want to be done before he is 40 and I'm 35. We want three so we had to get moving and have two of them close together either way.

Gismo123 · August 2013

For us it's DH actually being present. He is deploying at the end of the year so we are waiting till he comes back then will ttc #2.

champ579 · August 2013

I am joining the April 2014 board, found out we are pregnant again.

AshleyT121 · August 2013

I'm just returning from a long break away from the board.

I think we'll start trying around this time next year, provided (fingers crossed) that our job and financial situation doesn't change much. That will put our LOs 3 years apart, meaning that by the time we're both back to work FT after baby # 2 (we split the 12 month parental leave period) our first will be starting JK, meaning still only paying DC for 1.

thatoneredhead · August 2013

Im sorry, I didnt read the title... Im a dork, but ill leave my answer

We are one and done officially. DH has already gotten his vasectomy.

Sanity is my number 1 reason. Ive already told you guys several times, Im surprised how hard this has been. I also need sleep. I would be a little mommy drone if I had 2, and that's not how I want to parent.

Excuse my being a little tree hugger but I think the planet has plenty of people on it. I dont know how modern families have more than 2. It's finances, but it's all of it. Food, college, clothes, activities... all that. Crap is expensive.

I used to be staunch against homeschooling, but are system is so bad, I might take it up. I can do a much better job with 1 and getting him into homeschooling groups.

On a side note- I have the golden "It's my only ...." card.

Ive used it for, "It's the only 1st birthday party I can throw!", "I only get to buy baby clothes this year!"

unaveragejane · August 2013

@thatoneredhead We would totally be one-and-done if I wasn't getting sleep yet. Thankfully DS sleeps pretty well through the night. I definitely don't look forward to the first few months of no sleep. I also totally get the over-population argument. My dad decided to give me a lecture about this when I told him we were expecting. Bless him, but he has the world's worst timing! I guess in my mind my justification against it is that having two will hopefully keep DS from having to deal with life (and sooner-than-later aging parents) by himself. I know that's probably silly. In my own life, I'll be the one who has to do the majority of the funeral arrangements for my parents b/c my brother will not even consider the fact that they'll pass on one day. And I'll lean a lot more on DH than my brother as well.

Samiantha101 · August 2013

Honestly, I would consider being one and done if my husband and I had more family to offer our child. My husband literally has no interested family. I have some family, but mostly they're leeches of society. I feel like I owe Anja more than what we have. Of course, if we had more family, it probably would make having more children easier, and in turn, I probably would want more. Perhaps, this is a u/o.

violajack · August 2013

I'm a firm believer in the idea that smart people need to reproduce. Often. I was initially unsure whether I wanted to have kids at all when a college boyfriend convinced me that it was our duty to the gene pool. Things didn't work out with him, but those words stuck with me. I do want more, but I'm trying to hold out for at least an 18 month gap since new research is showing that to be best for mom to rebuild stores of vitamins and minerals that are depleted in the baby making. DH isn't quite ready for the second one yet. He definitely wants two. I'm ready to pump out as many as I can before my body gives out on me (I'm 33 and really want at least two before 35) I'm still BFing, but my cycle recently returned when I was away for 7 hours without pumping. I'm charting again, and let DH know we had entered the fertile window. I let him decide what to do with that information, and he decided to pull out the condoms

which is really for the best, because I still have 4.5 months to go to make it to 18 months.

Gismo123 · August 2013

violajack said:
I'm a firm believer in the idea that smart people need to reproduce. Often. I was initially unsure whether I wanted to have kids at all when a college boyfriend convinced me that it was our duty to the gene pool. Things didn't work out with him, but those words stuck with me. I do want more, but I'm trying to hold out for at least an 18 month gap since new research is showing that to be best for mom to rebuild stores of vitamins and minerals that are depleted in the baby making. DH isn't quite ready for the second one yet. He definitely wants two. I'm ready to pump out as many as I can before my body gives out on me (I'm 33 and really want at least two before 35) I'm still BFing, but my cycle recently returned when I was away for 7 hours without pumping. I'm charting again, and let DH know we had entered the fertile window. I let him decide what to do with that information, and he decided to pull out the condoms which is really for the best, because I still have 4.5 months to go to make it to 18 months.

Reading your reply reminded me of the movie Idiocracy where all the not so smart people breed like mad and the smart people don't so eventually in the far future they outbreed the smart people and everyone is an idiot. That movie cracks me up lol

violajack · August 2013

I loved that movie. Hi-la-ri-ous. I'm a sucker for good satire. I'm half joking when I say that smart people need to reproduce, but only half.

acbfreire · August 2013

violajack said:

I'm a firm believer in the idea that smart people need to reproduce. Often. I was initially unsure whether I wanted to have kids at all when a college boyfriend convinced me that it was our duty to the gene pool. Things didn't work out with him, but those words stuck with me. I do want more, but I'm trying to hold out for at least an 18 month gap since new research is showing that to be best for mom to rebuild stores of vitamins and minerals that are depleted in the baby making. DH isn't quite ready for the second one yet. He definitely wants two. I'm ready to pump out as many as I can before my body gives out on me (I'm 33 and really want at least two before 35) I'm still BFing, but my cycle recently returned when I was away for 7 hours without pumping. I'm charting again, and let DH know we had entered the fertile window. I let him decide what to do with that information, and he decided to pull out the condoms which is really for the best, because I still have 4.5 months to go to make it to 18 months.

One thing I learned from the TTC period was NOT to tell DH when I was fertile. He felt it was pressure and it killed the mood.
Totally agree with the smart people need to reproduce part!

monkeybutt61612 · August 2013

We wanted them to be close in age; they'll be 18 months apart

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