NBR- Need Advice (longish)

CaitS07 · August 2013

My brother is getting married next March to a really nice girl. For the most part we get along but my brother and her don't really understand social etiquette. They had a house warming party earlier this year and it was a ton of fun, but each guest was required to bring a bottle of liquor to help stock the bar. Not a biggy, but they proceeded to box up every single bottle to use for their open bar at the wedding and told people they were doing so. We all went to dinner a few weeks after that and the whole conversation centered around how much money they are going to make off of their wedding. It was almost as if they are getting married to make money. Neither H and I said anything but we were pretty taken aback by it and I really hope they haven't said this to anyone else.

My parents are in no way financially able to host a rehearsal dinner, so H and I have offered to host it for my family. We figured it would be a small gathering (myself and her sister, my H and brother's friend are in the bridal party) we could host at our house and cater in delicious food. Well, we've been told the guest list for the rehearsal dinner is 60 people (wedding is only 75) and that they are trying to get the guest list down to 45 so we can host it at a very expensive Italian restaurant in town. Both H and I have tried very delicately to explain that not everyone from the wedding will be at the rehearsal dinner and that it is really up to us on what we plan to do. We were basically told that if we didn't follow what they wanted to do, then her parents would host everything.

I'm not sure what to do. I want to do this for my brother, but can't do what they are wishing. I will not have the money after a new baby, dresses, tuxes, bridal showers, bachelorette (which by the way she is inviting friends that aren't invited to the wedding) to host a rehearsal dinner for over 1k. I want to tell them to shove it and have her parents do it all, but can't help but feel like that isn't the right thing to do. Should I just try to approach them again with our plans and let them decided if it's up to par or not?

JamieCallow · August 2013

You are hosting it...NOT THEM! I would tell them that this is what we have the money for and if they do not like it then her parents can do it. That is really nice of you to offer to do that for them and they seem to be taking advantage of the situation.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · August 2013

Wow! 60 people at a rehearsal dinner? I think we had like 15 people tops (small wedding party). I agree with PPs. You offered to host it/pay for it etc. When you offer it, it's on your terms. They're asking a lot. It's not like you say "we're planning on having Italian catered" and they want Mexican. You're all obviously not on the same page. I would tell them what you can comfortably afford to do - stick to your plan - and if they want what they want then you simply say that's above and beyond what you can financially handle.

fitmama418 · August 2013

LJGS1010 said:

This is a no-brainer to me.

You've offered to do a very nice thing, and they clearly don't want what you've offered. Tell them in no uncertain terms what you and your husband are willing to do, and if they don't want it then let her family plan and pay for the dinner.

You are under no obligation to extend yourself financially for them, and you wouldn't be obligated to do so even if you could afford it!

Yup.

MsCrispy · August 2013

I would explain, again, that you are willing to host a small dinner at your house. If they prefer a bigger deal, then let her parents host, no big deal. It sounds like they have a specific plan in mind and her parents are willing to pay for it, so I would let them.

They are pretty rude by putting you in this position. They should just decline your invitation for being host, but like you said, they are sounding pretty bad on the whole thing. I have heard of "stock the bar" parties instead of showers, so it doesn't sound that bad for a house warming, but everything else sounded horrible. I would probably call my brother out on it, just so he knew he was coming off so badly.

Zilly13 · August 2013

They are being ridiculously selfish. If you want to do something nice for them, I'd honestly just write them a check for the amount you feel comfortable with and let them use it towards the wedding however you see fit. If they've already made it clear they have grand expectations for their rehearsal dinner, bow out NOW while you have the chance. You should not have to lay out a ton of cash if you aren't financially able to do so.

dobrydney · August 2013

Our rehearsal dinner invite list was parents/close family and the wedding party. We probably had about 15-20 people at the most. I thought that was the norm? I think we may have had a couple of people there who traveled really far to come as a nice gesture. I think what you're offering is really nice, and would say it is a "take it or leave it". Don't put yourself in the hole with a baby on the way.

wendy2613 · August 2013

I agree with everyone else. I think they are coming off very rude and inconsiderate. I would let them know that, this is what I am willing to do, take it or leave it.". GL

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aboyle44 · August 2013

Yep, agree with everyone else. They are being rude, let her parents pay for it. And I can't believe they would talk about how much money they'll make off the wedding!! Tell them they can pay for the rehearsal dinner with all of the money they're getting!!

CaitS07 · August 2013

I still have to give them a wedding gift?!

littlebean1 · August 2013

Wow! That was really nice of you and your H to step up and offer to do that for them. Its unfortunate that they dont seem to care about the finances of it all. I would try and have a serious talk with your brother directly about it and tell him how you would love to do this for them and how much it means to you, but you have some limitations. If that doesnt work, another thing you could always do is make a phone call to her parents. Tell them the situation, maybe they can co-host it with you if they are still wanting 45+ people there.

lilybeth12 · August 2013

LJGS1010 said:

This is a no-brainer to me.

You've offered to do a very nice thing, and they clearly don't want what you've offered. Tell them in no uncertain terms what you and your husband are willing to do, and if they don't want it then let her family plan and pay for the dinner.

You are under no obligation to extend yourself financially for them, and you wouldn't be obligated to do so even if you could afford it!

this.

MsCrispy · August 2013

CaitS07 said:

I still have to give them a wedding gift?!

Yes. If you host the dinner, I would probably do something really small. Do you remember what he gave you for your wedding? You can use that to help ballpark what to get.

Chargersgrl33 · August 2013

It's a gift and they should look at it as that. If they want to try to take advantage of you guys over it then I say screw them. Let her parents pay for it.

CaitS07 · August 2013

I was just kidding on the wedding gift part

I know we will get them one. Probably donate to their honeymoon registry (they are hoping to get that part paid for before they leave).

I just talked to H - we have 2 plans to present to them and if they don't agree with either, then we'll graciously back out. We have had discussions in the past about whom attend a rehearsal and since all of her family is from out of town, they plan to invite all out of town guests, hence the 60 people. She made it very clear that we were asking her to choose between her family and that she would not do that. We never said that but suggested it be the wedding party, their SOs, parents and grandparents, which would still be around 15 people.

I appreciate the advice and will definitely be taking it. I don't want to have to dip into savings to host this event. Thanks ladies!

babymama619 · August 2013

I agree with PPs. You offered something and they want something else. Have her parents do it and maybe offer to give them $ for something else, like the cake.

Kfran84 · August 2013

melisx33 said:
Do they know what a REHEARSAL dinner is? It is for people who are actually at the rehearsal at who is REHEARSING for the wedding and thanking them for being a part of their day.

I would say, I would pay for people who are in the wedding party and that's it.

It angers me people who are so money hungry. Family or not, I would refuse to pay if they didn't accept my offer of paying for only those in the wedding party.

All of this! I had lots of family and friends in town that night that were not invited to the rehearsal dinner. It was literally for the people who were at the rehearsal and their SO's.

They can meet up with the other friends or out of towners later that night at a bar or something.

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Daysie · August 2013

LJGS1010 said:

This is a no-brainer to me.

You've offered to do a very nice thing, and they clearly don't want what you've offered. Tell them in no uncertain terms what you and your husband are willing to do, and if they don't want it then let her family plan and pay for the dinner.

You are under no obligation to extend yourself financially for them, and you wouldn't be obligated to do so even if you could afford it!

All of this! If they don't like what you, the host, are planning then wipe you hands clean. It was a really nice gesture for you and YH to offer to do this for them and it seems like they are not appreciative of it.

michrocc · August 2013

I commend you for wanting to do something so nice for your brother but, honestly, at this point I'd be done. I actually wouldn't even write them a check to help out with the cost of this rehearsal, as PP (who is clearly kinder and sweeter than I am) suggested. I'd simply say "I can no longer host your rehearsal, what with the guest list and associated costs increasing so significantly." Her parents can foot the bill for this now.

And maybe I'm a massive jerkwad, but given what you wrote in the first paragraphs, I'm inclined to think that this is yet another tactic for getting something more than what is the standard and/or what is offered. It feels to me like they're taking advantage of the fact that you offered to do something so nice for them and are trying to see how far they can go with it.

It's icky.

Barbercharm · August 2013

If the bride wants to do something for her out of town guests, then she and her parents can host something separate.. Unless her parents were throwing and paying for the rehearsal dinner, out of town guests don't belong there.. Also, they are huge money grubbers. I can only imagine what items are on their registry!! Go to them with your two options, and if they aren't happy with either, graciously bow out knowing you are in no way in the wrong!

Lindsayloring1 · August 2013

LJGS1010 said:
This is a no-brainer to me.

You've offered to do a very nice thing, and they clearly don't want what you've offered. Tell them in no uncertain terms what you and your husband are willing to do, and if they don't want it then let her family plan and pay for the dinner.

You are under no obligation to extend yourself financially for them, and you wouldn't be obligated to do so even if you could afford it!

Exactly this. Couldn't have said it better myself!!

ranaverde · August 2013

Barbercharm said:

If the bride wants to do something for her out of town guests, then she and her parents can host something separate.

This, precisely. At my wedding, which wasn't large, nearly everyone was from out of town (including us) so we had a sort of cocktail hour the day before so people could get to know each other - it was nibbles and drinks only.

Afterward we had the rehearsal dinner, hosted by my MIL, which was only immediate family (our brothers and parents were our wedding party); everyone else got a nice list of local restaurants that we recommended, in a range of prices.

So don't let them guilt you into thinking that hosting a gigantic dinner is reasonable!

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