finding birth mother

mon.petit.chou · August 2013

I have a couple questions I was hoping you could help me with. My younger brother (he's 23 now) was adopted as a baby and has recently expressed interest in finding his birth mother. our mom reacted kind of poorly to this at first, but I think now that she's getting used to the idea she's coming around and willing to support him.

To start, she gave him the information of the lawyer who arranged the adoption. She also mentioned that she thought there were websites where you could register to find your birth parents, but didn't know what they are. So that's my first question, do you have any websites you could point us to that might help with this?

My dad told me that he thought the birth mother's name was displayed in the hospital room and they might have it written down somewhere (my brother doesn't know this). My mom quickly shut that down and said she didn't think that was the right way to go about this and he should conduct his search through other channels first. I guess I'm wondering, does this seem reasonable? Maybe eventually she'll go look for the name (no guarantee they even have it) but for now it looks like that's not going to happen. Would that even be fair to the birth mother to show up and say even though you didn't want to be known, we wrote down your name at the hospital and now we've tracked you down? Or is it unfair to my brother to withhold that information?

I hope this works out ok for my brother. I'm worried it will just bring disappointment. He has a lot of health problems and he seems to think finding her will provide the answers to his health, but really I think they're just the unfortunate side effect of her drug use during pregnancy.

Nineoceans · August 2013

Hmm I think it's sad that you and presumably your brother know so much about the drugs but not even the birth mother's name.

I don't think it's right to withhold information about his birth heritage from him. How he and she navigate that relationship if there is one at all is up to them but he has a right to know as much as your family knows and more.

The first place he can go is the department of health which should have an original birth certificate with Bmom and potentially bdad's names

Good luck to him!

Dr.Loretta · August 2013

I can't remember the names of websites. Hopefully someone will chime in.

I don't think having his birthmother's name will make it an all or nothing proposition for your brother as far as trying to find her. He could give the information to the lawyer and ask for confirmation or any help they can give to locate her, acting as a go-between. He can search for her, or her relatives on FB and see if he can at least narrow things down. He can use the info to find an address and perhaps send a letter instead of just showing up on her doorstep. There are a lot of options IMO.

There's a rather in-depth study/article called Untangling the Web, which addresses how adoption has changed in the Internet world. I'm sure you've occasionally seen someone post on FB that they're looking for a birthfamily, hoping to reconnect. It might be worth it to look at the article and see if there are resources or suggestions as to how to go about the search.

GL to him. Thinking of you and your family.

IRR · August 2013

Wishing him lots of luck and your mom should try to find the name. I spent last weekend with a couple that adopted two kids 14 and 18 years ago and when I asked if their almost 18 year old is wanting to find her BP's she immediately stated she would not help her or give her the info even if she wanted it. She received a letter a bunch of years ago from her daughter's BM that she moved to Washington state in case P ever wanted to find her. I was appalled and told her that her daughter and son have a right to know who their BP's are and how I felt bad for her kids. I think it is deceitful to withhold the info if requested.

CaptainSerious · August 2013

Unfortunately, I think it would be a bad idea to track her down based on her name if she didn't want your parents to have that information, since they agreed to a closed adoption. Some states have websites set up through their health departments where adopted children/dauntless and both parents can enter their information. It works as a double-blind system, and information is only released if both sides sign up. Sometimes it includes medical information only, sometimes name and contact information is included. Another thing, as pp mentioned, is hat some states have laws that would enable him to get a copy of his original birth certificate with his birth mother's name on it. Other states have laws preventing the release of these records unredacted. If your brother is really concerned about his health issues, he can undergo genetic testing. We just had this done for M. They looked for any obvious genetic markers that might indicate learning/health concerns on the grand scale, but did not map out his genetic code in detail or search for any specific genetic markers.

CNNguyen · August 2013

I found my husband's biological mother Tuesday, (08/06/13), and I did it by using his birth name as well as searching all of the birth records or anything that could pop up with the birthdate and name. I feel like your mother should give up the name because it is his right to know as well as his reasons to know. The sole reason I looked into his biological parents is because I want a family medical history for our child. The reunion went exceptionally well and she wants to keep in contact. Good luck to your brother and his search. I hope everything goes smoothly.

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