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this probably shouldn't bother me

ambrvanambrvan member
in Blended Families
I keep seeing photography sessions of my mom, step dad, brother, and new little sister on Facebook. And everytime I do, I feel a tightening in my chest like I want to cry. And sometimes I do.

I just feel like my mom is so happy to have her new little family that doesn't include me. We never did family photos like that when I was a kid. Don't get me wrong, there are pictures of me and my brother, but not like this.

We have gotten to a point of civility and maybe even affection with each other, but not what I would say the love between mother and daughter is supposed to be like. I think this is as good as it is ever going to get for us. And it hurts to think that.

Do you really think I ought to let the pictures bother me so much? Our do you think I am over analyzing it? And I realize this is only half of the story. Unfortunately, I don't have her view of it. I have tried so many times to try to figure out why there has always been a barrier between us. The only thing I can come up with is that she resents having me at such a young age, which she has told me, and that I remind her too much of my dad and there is still so much pain and bitterness there.
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Re: this probably shouldn't bother me

  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Unfortunately she will never be the Mom you want her to be for you. You have to look past it and somehow find peace with havin a sucky Mom and as hard as this is try to be happy that your youngest sibling is having a better version of the Mom you had because you don't want her raised like you were. And hugs to you because it sucks and is not fair that you did not have a better childhood.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    The thing that stuck out to me the most was you saying that your mom resents having you so young and that you remind her of your dad. Well, neither of those things is your fault. You didn't ask to be conceived, you just happened to be the fastest swimmer. She made the choice to have sex and have a child, regardless if you were planned or not. Blaming a child for your own choices is the ultimate in selfishness. That is her own cross to bear and something she has to figure out how to deal with. As for the pictures, I completely can see how that would be painful. You portray it like she has her perfect little family and it is almost replacing you. I don't know all the history, but have you told your mom how that makes you feel? Have you asked her why you weren't included? I can see how she may just want some pictures of her, your SF, and new baby, but if it is a family portrait, it should include you. Maybe she didn't do those types of pictures when you were little because she didn't have the money for them or maybe she just never thought of it. I'm not trying to make excuses for her because I think she is wrong to exclude you. I think that you should talk to her and see what her reasoning was for it. It could be that since you are married and have your own children, she just didn't think you would want to be included. Whatever the reason, I'm sorry for your pain and for the negativity there. Sending you thoughts and prayers...
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    The thing that stuck out to me the most was you saying that your mom resents having you so young and that you remind her of your dad. Well, neither of those things is your fault. You didn't ask to be conceived, you just happened to be the fastest swimmer. She made the choice to have sex and have a child, regardless if you were planned or not. Blaming a child for your own choices is the ultimate in selfishness. That is her own cross to bear and something she has to figure out how to deal with.

    As for the pictures, I completely can see how that would be painful. You portray it like she has her perfect little family and it is almost replacing you. I don't know all the history, but have you told your mom how that makes you feel? Have you asked her why you weren't included? I can see how she may just want some pictures of her, your SF, and new baby, but if it is a family portrait, it should include you. Maybe she didn't do those types of pictures when you were little because she didn't have the money for them or maybe she just never thought of it. I'm not trying to make excuses for her because I think she is wrong to exclude you. I think that you should talk to her and see what her reasoning was for it. It could be that since you are married and have your own children, she just didn't think you would want to be included. Whatever the reason, I'm sorry for your pain and for the negativity there. Sending you thoughts and prayers...

    I keep trying to make excuses for her, too. They didn't have the money and things like that. I mean, dealing with what we went through with my dad - not going into details here though a few people may remember me mentioning it before - my mom did an amazing job in so many ways. But I think I could have given up the life style, house, etc we had for a better relationship.

    We have one family picture of all of us when I was 10 or 11. And a couple when I was little, before my brother was born. After that, no more pictures except for random ones that my grandmother would take. Since my sister has been born, there is one picture of me holding her when she was two weeks old and that's it.

    And I totally take responsibility for moving and not being around. But I have never been invited to their house or to do anything with them. We text maybe once a month if I initiate it, if even that often. And she has only one visited me, and that was for DS' s birthday after she kept saying she couldn't attend on this day so I changed it about 20 times to accommodate her and made sure she knew I had inconvenienced everyone else because I really wanted her to come. She makes absolutely no effort to keep me a part of her life. And whether or not I am seeing this all for what it is, it is how I feel.

    And I have tried taking to her. I have talked til I am blue in the face. She just says I am reading to much into everything and we are just too busy for each other and I am the one who decided to move. When was in high school she used to cry and say I made her feel like she couldn't do anything right, like she was a crappy mom, and I don't want to hurt her so I try not to say anything. Life hasn't been kind to her. Maybe she just doesn't know how to be sensitive. But that doesn't mean she has to be cruel. She used to call me fat at 16yo when I only weighed 110lbs.

    I have talked to people who know me and her both and are close enough to see or relationship because I want someone to help me understand her view better. So far everyone says she is in the wrong, but I feel blameful, too. I don't want to be like some of the adult SDs I have read about in her who blame everyone but themselves and refuse to see anything but their own view of things.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    I'm sorry you're feeling this way :(. Being hurt about the pictures is completely understandable, although maybe looking at it from a different point of view would make you feel better. I could be wrong, but it seems like family pictures have become a much bigger thing. Getting family pictures now a days is so easy - you can go to your local in store portrait studio, you can use your friend/acquaintance who is just getting started and is fairly inexpensive, you can use an established independent photographer or photography group. In 2.5 years we have gotten family pictures done 4 times (engagement/DS 3, maternity/DS 4, DD newborn, DD 6 months) and will have them again this fall. I don't feel like people did family photos as much 30ish years ago. My mom and I were just talking today and she says she's sad that we never did professional family photos growing up. Maybe the reason your mom is getting photos with her "new" family isn't because she likes them better, but because it's just easier to do, as well as a more common thing to do.
    Keep your chin up, and focus on the awesome family that you have in your home. And, I've found that if something or someone gets to me on FB, I hide them from my news feed. I don't need any unnecessary hurts or negativity in my life.
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  • NineoceansNineoceans member
    This really hits home because I often wonder if SS will feel the same way. He's going to have significantly fewer opportunities and he had NO family traditions until recently. I don't know it's sad.

    Your mom is being ridiculous though. You did nothing wrong and she needs to find peace with her life and decisions. I would tell her it bothers you. Maybe seek out some older women from church or at work to provide mentorship and support. Rhys what we are doing for Dh because his parents are absolutely worthless
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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    Twister, looking in terms of how easy it is to get pictures don't now and the trend in doing them makes is easier to understand. Thanks. Maybe I'll just tell myself that. It may actually be the truth, you know.
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