Back in the game, temporarily (and it's messing with my head!)

Manada · August 2013

Our infertility journey as a couple is listed in my siggy -- but the long and the short of it is that we're currently planning for my partner to do an IVF cycle in November or December this year (she has lots of eggs, but no tubes due to severe Endo).   BUT - before we found out about her Endo, back when we had decided 4 iui's were enough to do with me before moving on, we bought a bunch of sperm from our (now sold-out) donor....   We currently have 4 vials in cryo, and IVF will only need 1 - so we have decided, while we're waiting - to basically just use up 2 of those 4 vials of sperm, on doing a couple more IUI's with me. Talk about a mindf*ck!

I was hesitant, because I'd already done a lot of grieving and coming to terms with not using my eggs to make our babies. Our ultimate hope is to retrieve my partner's eggs and if she gets pregnant we use any remaining embryos to get me pregnant in a couple years.   BUT - we sought a second opinion of another RE here this summer, and she recommended that I not throw the towel in completely to my DOR until we had done 6 iui cycles.    So there's another 2... just to use up the sperm, and say we gave it a good shot. I don't think it will work, the stats certainly aren't in my favour...

I'm expecting my cycle to start this weekend or Monday, and then it's back to the clinic for a Clomid (100mg dosage) cycle with full monitoring and a trigger shot.   I'm reluctant to tell people we're doing this at all because I have just started to get my family to understand how hard it is to go through all the IF treatments, and what an IVF cycle means for us financially & emotionally --- and I don't want them to get back into those "Oh!   This is TOTALLY going to work the easy way! I believe!" comments, because quite honestly, I don't even know if I believe myself!

Plus I just want to do it, low-key, and try not to let it take over my life again - especially because I did all that hard work already of giving that up.     Is it even possible to go about this process all business-like and try to maintain some control or sanity?   Any tips from the trenches?

Km672 · August 2013

I am DOR and did 2 IUIs with DS.

I completely understand how it feels going into treatment knowing the odds are very much not in your favor. I've been there and it's brutal.

My advice is to continue to be realistic. I'm not sure what the stats at your clinic are, but I knew mine had a 15% chance of success per cycle and I knew my DOR dx put me below that number.

My other advice is to remember you have a plan. If this doesn't work, you are already prepared for the next step for you and your partner!

Best of luck to you!
I've been in your shoes and I get it.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat!

-K

drake986 · August 2013

I have no advice on the emotional front because I tend to invest way too much into the process and get caught up easily. If you feel that you want to keep this quiet, the go for it. Do what you feel you need to do. All the questions can get quite overwhelming in such a sensitive time... I wish you all the best!!!

Manada · August 2013

Km672 said:

I am DOR and did 2 IUIs with DS. I completely understand how it feels going into treatment knowing the odds are very much not in your favor. I've been there and it's brutal. My advice is to continue to be realistic. I'm not sure what the stats at your clinic are, but I knew mine had a 15% chance of success per cycle and I knew my DOR dx put me below that number. My other advice is to remember you have a plan. If this doesn't work, you are already prepared for the next step for you and your partner! Best of luck to you! I've been in your shoes and I get it. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat! -K

Ah! Thank you!

It's so rare that people actually "get" that feeling of going ahead with a treatment plan while knowing that the odds aren't in your favour - and actively trying NOT to get your hopes/energy up around it.

I think I read somewhere that we have a 6 or 7% chance of a BFP with all the variables (DOR, donor sperm, the normal stuff...) and an IUI when I produce a single follicle... If we hadn't already paid for the sperm we definitely wouldn't be going down this route again, but hey - it's already paid for and we have time before our IVF anyways so......

It's very strange though. My partner and I have been pretty "out" about our IF struggles since last winter (when things really started to hit the fan for us), and I know it's weird for her to not be telling people about it. It's weird for me too, but I'm just trying to preserve some sanity for me later on and this is a major way I can put boundaries around how much it gets into our lives.

WHEW! It seems like I have a lot of thoughts on this one - I could go on forever.... back to journalling for me I think....

Km672 · August 2013

Manada,

We were fairly open about our IF and IVFs with my H sperm, but when we did IUI with DS we pretty much kept it to ourselves. We knew the odds were very slim and we didnt want to deal with all the questions/explanations, ect.

So I get it. Some parts of this process are very personal/private. Some things we just need to keep to ourselves out of self preservation. The last thing I ever want to do is explain to everyone that our cycle failed. I feel like I've failed and now I feel awful about the cycle and I'm having to comfort others! Lol!! No thanks!

It's hard to do IF and know that most likely, it's not going to work.
We had to do something, we had just received very bad news about my H's sperm and we were/are desperate. The only way I got through it was to literally just do it. I went for u/s and appts just because we 'had to do something!' And did my best to believe it probably wouldn't work.

Hope this is helpful. It's hard to keep going when you don't believe 'this is going to work!'. Sometimes it's just because it makes sense and you need to try something!

Try to keep in mind that the worst that can happen is that it doesn't work. If it doesn't work, hope is not lost. you will continue with your original plan.

Take care of yourself and your partner!

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Back in the game, temporarily (and it's messing with my head!)

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