Need to stop bedsharing.

MsCat19 · August 2013

And I have no idea how. DD will be 16 months old on Monday, and I'm going to be 20 weeks pregnant on Saturday. She doesn't let me sleep. DH has already moved out of the bed and the poor guy sleeps on the couch. This isn't working for us anymore. I have no interest in tears... any suggestions?

&orchid& · August 2013

I did the transition when LO was much younger (6 mo), but I started with naps in the crib. Then after a week or two of that I started him off at night in the crib and then would move him into my room when he was nursing. Then, by the time he was 7 months he was full time in the crib. It went pretty smoothly. I sit in the room (or my husband) as he is falling asleep. Since your LO is much older, not sure if it would go as smoothly, but good luck to you.

MsCat19 · August 2013

Thanks! She night weaned a couple of months ago, but still wants the snuggles. She spends the first part of the night in her crib (in our bedroom still) but then insists on snuggles in our bed. And she was napping in her crib for a while, but then we went away for a few days and that went out the window. I can sometimes get her to fall asleep on me on the couch and slip away, but not all the time.

Emerald27 · August 2013

Could you get a bigger mattress to put on the floor for her in your room? When she wakes and wants to snuggle, you could move to the floor bed with her so DH doesn't get booted.

We are moving soon and plan to make a floor bed for DS with a twin mattress. I'll then put him to bed there just like I do now, and if/when he wakes in the night, I'll move there with him.

We also plan to get him super fun sheets and make a big deal about him being a big boy and sleeping in his big boy bed. Some cute princess sheets (or whatever she likes) might make it a fun transition too!

MsCat19 · August 2013

Sadly, the snuggles are the problem. She just can't be still and I'm a super light sleeper. And if I move her out of the crook of my arm it often leads to tears. We are planning on buying her a big girl bed and starting a slow transmission. I was thinking we could get her a twin so if she needs snuggles at least one of us will fit in bed.

cyprissa · August 2013

hocus said:

Move her to her own room and consider the sleep lady shuffle. I don't know that you can completely avoid tears since you're making the decision and not her. That isn't a bad thing, but in general I find that tears are a part of any change a child doesn't want to make but they often are far shorter than most people fear.

This is what I did at about 14 months. We had some tears but nothing super bad. Mostly whining. I caution you though not to half ass it...it works best when you commit all the way because you might be in for a few nights without much sleep and will have regressions. When I was exhausted and started letting him come back to bed at 3 am, it soon became 1 then 12....you get the idea.

MsCat19 · August 2013

Last night I slept on the couch.. I slept soooo much better but DH slept like poo because he slept with her in our bed and he doesn't sleep and deeper then I do. Is there a book on the sleep lady shuffle or is online? I know I've heard of it, but I really didn't want to sleep train. This sucks.

Emerald27 · August 2013

hocus said:
Move her to her own room and consider the sleep lady shuffle. I don't know that you can completely avoid tears since you're making the decision and not her. That isn't a bad thing, but in general I find that tears are a part of any change a child doesn't want to make but they often are far shorter than most people fear.

I really don't think that is necessary. I think the transition can be done gently and without tears, and I think (at least for DS) moving straight to their own room, by themselves, at night, would be scary and too huge a transition. It could backfire and make LO need even more snuggles because she's so anxious.

That doesn't mean it has to be half-assed either. When we get DS his own mattress, he WILL sleep there until the sun comes up. If he needs me, I'll move down there to him, but he'll not sleep in our bed anymore. He won't have to do any crying, and I'm willing to make the transition slow and gentle and not pressure him too much.

MsCat19 · August 2013

Emerald27 said:

Move her to her own room and consider the sleep lady shuffle. I don't know that you can completely avoid tears since you're making the decision and not her. That isn't a bad thing, but in general I find that tears are a part of any change a child doesn't want to make but they often are far shorter than most people fear.
I really don't think that is necessary. I think the transition can be done gently and without tears, and I think (at least for DS) moving straight to their own room, by themselves, at night, would be scary and too huge a transition. It could backfire and make LO need even more snuggles because she's so anxious. That doesn't mean it has to be half-assed either. When we get DS his own mattress, he WILL sleep there until the sun comes up. If he needs me, I'll move down there to him, but he'll not sleep in our bed anymore. He won't have to do any crying, and I'm willing to make the transition slow and gentle and not pressure him too much.

That's why I was thinking a twin bed instead of a toddler bed so we could fit in there with her. I just don't know what to do! It was so much easier with my older one because I was so ignorant... sigh.

cyprissa · August 2013

For the record, my comment about half-assing it was not directed at anyone or any style but in my experience, the moment I gave in to letting him in bed he just started backsliding. Im not a CIO person and bed shared for over a year with DS1 but we had to get him out of our bed and room because he was still waking to nurse more than once a night and was not sleeping well anymore. we were all miserable. Also, depending on your kid, it might be easier to move them into their own room in a bed...it definitely was for us because when in our room, he just wanted to be in bed with me.

JJ_13 · August 2013

I think you have to decide what is right for you and your family. As for the sleep shuffle, it worked for us. We modified it slightly - my LO still gets up 1 - 3 times/night, and I'm fine with that - but she goes down very easily and stays asleep longer, for both naps and nighttime, which was our goal. Some people don't like the shuffle b/c it does involve some tears, but I felt fine with it because she was never "abandoned" to cry - I comforted her, picked her up, rubbed her back, etc the whole time. Like so many parenting decisions though, you just have to figure out what works for your child and your family and be confident in that choice. If you decide you are interested in it, the method is described in Kim West's Good Night Sleep Tight book. I think there are lots of helpful things in the book, although it's certainly not the bible and you can take and leave what you want from it - as long as you're consistent in those choices (I do think if you're making a change, consistency is key). I think bedsharing is GREAT, as long as it is working for everyone involved. If there's not a problem, then there's not a problem. On the other hand, if it isn't working for you, then it's not so great. Good luck!

TiffanyBerry · August 2013

I'm in the camp of "if she's really attached, there is likely going to be some tears." This was my daughter, and we moved slow. Teaching her to fall asleep without me there was hard. Heck, I got tears if I just sat up to go for two minutes for a while. (She was something like 18mo old at the time.) It was MONTHS of slowly, slowly, slowly, in very small steps moving towards what I needed as a balance. And there was crying. Heck, she's three. There is sometimes still crying because she wants me to stay the whole time (the whole night) with her from bedtime, and that's not something I can keep doing.

So, know that NO tears may or may not be achievable for your child, but you can break it down into the smallest steps possible and take your time. Heck, she doesn't have to leave your room if she can just give you your own space, so maybe a floor bed would be a more realistic goal than her own room, even though that may still take a fair amount of time.

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