- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Blended Families
Pamelacake
member
6yo SD let it all out last night to BM on the phone
Pamelacake
member
For Mobile: 6yo let it all out last night to BM on the phone
SD's didn't talk much to BM and seemed reluctant to talk on the phone with her when DH and I were in the room and really didn't say much. We did that b/c BM, while talking to SD's usually asks to talk to DH 47 times during the phone call, but mostly to not let her lie to them. We can't control her lies so SD's will figure it out on their own. So I went with a different tactic last night. DH wasn't getting very good reception on his phone last night in the house so SD's talked to BM on the front porch and DH and I weren't out there but the recorder was.
5yo SD was talking to BM first and when 6yo SD went outside she said into the phone, She just called you stupid. BM got mad at 6yo and sternly told her that wasn't very nice. 6yo said NO I didn't say it, sissy did! BM told 5yo SD in a baby voice that she shouldn't talk like that. The rest of the conversation was a screaming match between 6yo and BM with 5yo chiming in to stick up for 6yo. 6yo SD was standing up for herself and I was proud of her for that but she was very harsh to BM. BM still didn't get it. BM's apology to 6yo was "I know I didn't do the things I should have done with you when I lived with you and I cry about it all the time" Like she was trying to get SD to feel sorry for her. It doesn't work like that!
Some of the things 6yo SD yelled at BM about were how BM treated her when BM lived with them, always being in bed, not teaching her to read or count, not making them food, BM hanging up on her the night she was at the bar (SD knows about her being there b/c BM pressed charges on SD paternal grandfather that same night when he grabbed her by the arm and told her she needed to be a mother), only wanting to talk to 5yo SD, always lying to her, not ever being a mother to them, called her a fake mom, told her she shouldn't have kids.. the list goes on and on. SD said a lot of hurtful things. This went on for 40 minutes. I don't remember what all was said and don't think I want to listen to it again today but there was one point where 6yo SD even threatened BM to go to her house and do something to her.
BM would lash back at SD screaming, telling her that if she didn't care, she wouldn't buy her stuff and make sure she had stuff for here. hahha. That's funny to me B/C a free package of ramen noodles, which SD doesn't even eat anymore bc she wants to work on her weight is really making sure they have stuff. BM kept telling SD to stop talking to her like that. SD told BM she wasn't her boss and she didn't have to listen to her. BM told SD that she was still her boss bc she was still her mother. BM said that she did teach SD to count and tie her shoes which I know is a lie BC SD still didn't know these things when I moved in. That was when SD started calling her a fake mom and told her that since BM told her she only had one good mom and the other one was bad that she was the bad mom, She didn't need them and to just go away and leave her alone.
BM told SD that she was a very angry little girl, with no sympathy in her tone at all.. She doesn't realize it's her fault or just doesn't want to face it. IDK.
BM told SD that she felt sorry for her 5 times.
BM also told SD's that it's DH's fault that BM can't come and get them B/C he lied in court. uuummm.. It's your fault b/c when you did have that right, you didn't use it.
I was really hoping for 6yo SD to have a counseling session before she exploded because I did see it coming, but it didn't happen. SD sees one of her counselors today and their plan was already to talk about coping skills. And she goes bowling tomorrow with another counselor for their end of summer session and sees her main counselor on Monday. I am going to book her sessions with her main counselor in advance to be right after the visits so hopefully this will help her.
I had to go to the door a few times to make sure 6yo SD was ok and to ask her to calm down, the second time I had to do this her face was all red.. I really wanted to end the call but that isn't up to me to do, DH also went to the door 2 times to tell the girls to try to be nice. I really hope the attorney gets back with DH or I today or tomorrow.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 6yo SD let it all out last night to BM on the phone
Good Lord that sounds horrific. I just want to hug those little kids. I hope they are going to be alright and your BM just goes away. She is nothing but toxic and causing turmoil.
I'm so so so sorry.
sd yelling into the phone at bm isn't doing her any good. she needs to talk this out with a trusted counselor. if the bm in your case is like the one in mine, that kind of behavior will only encourage more favortism and projection of those feelings onto the sd
It was horrible and when the phone call was ended, both SD's acted fine. 6yo SD was in an extremely good mood and so I just went with it, put a movie in and made popcorn. There was so much more, like I said this went on for a little over 40 minutes.
Of course DH is being blamed for "brainwashing SD's" but that doesn't happen. Things were said about BM to SD's from DH in the past, close to a year ago and I told DH that wasn't a good idea, none of it was lies but I told him they would figure it out for themselves, so he didn't do it again.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
I have talked to SD about talking to BM with respect. 6yo SD never really talked to BM before on the phone. In the beginning, when SD tried to BM would just change the subject when SD was talking about something that was exciting to SD or totally disregard whatever SD was saying. BM always asked SD a lot of questions about me, and when SD would reply to her questions, BM would get so mad at SD.
5yo SD demands things and disrespects BM all of the time and BM thinks it's cute. 6yo wants to be treated the same way. BM thinks she just deserves respect from 6yo bc she gave birth to them. But BM does not respect 6yo SD's feelings at all.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
That makes sense and we didn't have to say anything like this to SD but this was actually one of the many things SD said to BM.
SD told BM that she didn't need anybody except for the people that lived in this white house and to get off of her planet. SD told BM that they didn't need her bc she only tried to teach them bad things like dirty dancing and that we teach them good things.
BM denied teaching them to dirty dance but SD actually got into trouble at school for doing this at the beginning of kindergarten, while BM was still with them. Oldest SD who no longer lives with us (turned 18 and from DH's first marriage) witnessed BM teaching SD's this and asked BM about it. BM said she could do it if she wanted and she thought it was cute.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Yes they sure do. BM is just mad that 6yo SD is finally expressing how she feels, I know not in the healthiest manner. BM is blowing up DH's phone this morning saying that we talk about her and fill their heads with things and they will realize that when they get older and hate us for it and love her, she even included our other children saying that they talk to SD's bad about her. We don't talk about BM. We wish she would just go away, it's obvious she isn't going to see things logically but now it's all about winning for BM.
I hope DN does get that call from K and I hope he has a good birthday (=
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
I forgot to mention one of the things that got to me the most
When SD said to BM that she just always treated them like bad daughters, BM told SD that she never treated them like bad daughters bc bad daughters get beaten and killed! WTF!!!!!
I have to stop listening. I need a break.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Considering how last weekend's visitation went, I am not surprised. BM had it coming and I think it's great that SD6 stood up for herself.
KILLED?!?!?!!?!?!?!? WTMF?>!?!?!?!?
Yes she did and I wasn't going to record their conversation but at the last minute I did set it on the porch and I'm glad I did.
BM said a lot of things but when I heard this while listening to the recording I literally had to turn it off and go outside for some air.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
I do as well and I knew something was going to happen. SD really shocked me though with what all she said, it was just like she found a voice all of a sudden and had all of these things to say. BM would try to cut her off by yelling back and SD would tell her to shut up and call her by her name.
And it did make her feel a lot better. I haven't talked to her about it yet, I want to talk to her counselor first. SD held in all of that anger. They are working on coping skills today. I can't wait until Monday.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
One of BM's favorite things to call 6yo was fat little b!tch when she was here. 6yo used to eat her emotions I guess one would say. She would hide food in her room, get up in the middle of the night and sneak food from the kitchen, things like that. So SD is big for her age. SD was heavier than 10yo DS. BM could only make microwaveable macaroni and cheese or ramen noodles.
When I moved in here they had cockroaches so bad that I deep cleaned each room one by one and we had someone come and spray the house 3 times. When I cleaned SD's room, I moved a shelf and there was a candy bar that wasn't in the wrapper behind where the shelf was, stuck to the trim. It was so stuck I had to use a pry bar to get it off and it took some of the trim with it.
DH said the Thanksgiving before that he found a whole turkey leg in SD's drawer on her bookshelf.
SD now likes to eat healthy foods with me and she loves to work out. SD was picked on at school and by her other siblings. SD has lost weight and has gotten much taller in the last year. The doctor was so impressed over SD losing 5 lbs at her first checkup since I had been here, She asked what had changed.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
. I would tell the therapist the gist of the visit and call and ask them if they would like to see it even if they charge you for their time and tell them that you are concerned that SDs outbursts can look like you guys are putting her up to it and see what they say.
And I am going to ask a rude question but what the hell is did you see in your DH? You describe him as a man that let his young child cry in her bed for hours while cockroaches ran around their disgusting house.
BM has admitted to a lot of things that she had said and done to SD's while she was with them.
That specific comment I kind of have proof.. it is just a VM that says you know what I know what I have said and done to the girls in the past, and I don't care it's in the past get over it and move on with your life.
DH worked a lot and in between jobs he would pick up the girls and take them to a sitter and then go to his next job. I do agree that he did let a lot of things go on that shouldn't have and I was p!ssed at him for it. 6yo crying in her bed really p!ssed me off bad. DH was looking at it as something that would pass. The girl really didn't have anyone. DH even treated 6Yo a little differently and I noticed that when I first got here. I pointed it out to him every time he did it and it didn't take him long to stop.
They blamed the roaches on the farmer digging up a spot by the field and filling it then covering it back with dirt. I haven't see a single roach since the man came to do the follow up spray in September. It could have been the field, I don't know. I did see a few try to come in from outside a window in the kitchen last fall.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Is BM aware you are recording her?
I told BM in March that I document everything. Recorded phone conversations, voicemails and text messages are all saved.
I honestly don't know where it came from. DH and I don't talk about BM. She calls enough to drive us insane (not to ask about her kids) so if there is a day where she doesn't call it feels like a vacation.
I don't think I worded anything different but if I did it wasn't far off.
A lot of the things SD was saying to BM are things that SD came back from BM's saying BM was saying these things about me 3 months ago.
I was really shocked with what SD was saying and the conviction in her tone. I've already talked to one of her counselors about it and she was shocked.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
DH and I have known each other for a very long time. His sister and I were best friends for about 27 years. I dated DH for a short period of time when I was 18. I felt like we were more friends than anything so that was quickly ended. 2 failed marriages for each of us later, here we are.
and yes, at first I was just here for the kids but DH has made many improvements.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Also, it sounds like SD has overheard a lot more than you or anyone realizes. Her feelings are valid, but the things she is saying are adult concepts. Just saying...
And you are starting to paint a very different picture as time progresses than what I first grasped.
I agree that the call should have been ended but that wasn't up to anyone to do that but BM, SD's can stop talking when they want but 6yo had a lot to say and BM is always telling SD's to let her know how they feel and 6yo had all of these things bottled up. We did want to end the call. I was extremely worried about SD and asked her to calm down. We didn't get a list of rules or anything to go along with this and don't want to unknowingly break any.
I know these things didn't come from an overheard conversation because SD brought some things up from almost 2 & 3 years ago that I didn't even know about. DH and I barely have time to talk about daily things in our lives bc he works so much. So even if we wanted to have a discussion about BM.. That wouldn't be at the top of the agenda.
The phone conversations between SD's and BM aren't recorded for court, just for the counselors, and I document for the counselor the tone of her voice and everything. They usually don't want to hear the recording but have a couple of times. I don't do this to discriminate against BM, but to try to come up with ways to help SD. BM is more than welcome to be involved with 6yo's counseling sessions and isn't interested at all. 6yo had a session with one counselor on Thursday and another on Friday. SD's counselors told her they were proud of her bc SD has been working on "finding her voice" as well as using her big girl voice and then worked on different coping skills and ways of approaching things.
6yo SD was much more talkative and treated BM with respect on the phone Sunday and I told SD I was very proud of her. She knows she is supposed to talk to everyone with respect and usually does. 6yo was not happy after the phone call though.. it lasted about 10 minutes (both SD's) and BM wasn't paying attention to what 6yo SD was saying at all, like normal, SD would ask BM a question and BM would respond with that's cool. 5yo SD was talking jibberish and BM thought it was the cutest and funniest thing. 6yo SD actually wanted to talk to BM and was blown off. SD will be 7 soon and I'm sorry but I can't blame her for being angry. I would be.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
I fully get the questioning of the adult comments and that's why I was so shocked about what SD was saying. That and SD never speaks her mind like that. I do vent on here because I have no one to talk to about these things. DH would rather ignore it and pretend like it's not a big deal than face it so we don't talk about it. That and he leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 8pm. and when he does have a day off, He's usually welding and cutting up equipment or vehicles as a side job.
DH isn't involved in the counseling. I had him take SD once because I felt like he needed to be the one there instead of me and the counselor told DH that she wanted me to be there bc SD spent most of her time with me (they were in school at that time). SD's counseling didn't start because of BM, but because I knew that she needed help beyond what any friend or family member could do for her. BM isn't talked to the counselors in front of SD. We communicate through email or talk in the hallway outside of her office before SD is brought back. The counselor that came to he house over summer break would speak with me outside with the kids inside or inside with the kids outside and the school counselor who also works with the others called me on the phone while SD was at school or emailed. She would usually call though. SD wanted to talk to her on a daily basis.
My older SK's used to talk about SD's BM all the time. She put them through hell as well but that has stopped. DH used to lash out at BM over the phone for not following through with her promises to pick them up. I stayed out of all of that but was here for SD's. That was in the beginning, a year ago and SD's probably did hear this and I know they understood what was going on bc they were sitting here waiting to be picked up. I told DH that I would just have SD's ready to go just in case but not let them know when to expect BM. That ended those nasty phone conversations in front of SD's.
I know I can't control everything SD's hear, I have tried. SD's haven't been to their grandmother's house all summer BC I don't know what they will say about BM due to grandfather facing jail time due to grabbing BM's arm in a bar and telling her she needed to start being a mother to her kids. That happened back in March and GF is on probation until he goes to court. So I didn't think that would be a good idea as I'm sure there is some animosity there.
6yo SD is a bright girl, I realized that about 6 months ago, she just keeps it to herself and is more of an observant child. She reminds me a lot of myself at that age.
I'm not a perfect SM or a perfect BM to my own but I grew up with my mom bashing my dad to my younger siblings constantly for years. They never got the chance to know him and form their own opinion of him. There is now some resentment towards my mom from them for that. I would never want to do that to any child and SD's are confused enough. They don't need anymore and that's definitely not something I would condone.
I like to have a structured household and I am awake before SD's and I don't go to bed until they do. So if DH is saying things to SD's, he is waking them up at night to do it and I really don't see him doing that. I would be able to hear 5yo SD crying bc when she is extremely tired she still fights it and cries.
I have thought of every other adult that they have been around this summer and none of them would know or even want to tell SD things to say to BM. I have a friend that has been here to visit a few times and she knows nothing about what's going on. She's battling cancer and has enough on her plate so I don't talk to her about these things.
DH's cousin, possibly but they haven't stayed the night there, or been over there since the beginning of summer break.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
I didn't know that. My first thought was that it would be considered interfering with BM's phone time when ending the call crossed my mind. SD's counselor suggested pulling SD to the side if this were to ever happen again and give her some cool down time bc she didn't know the rules either.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
I will definitely have to keep that in mind. I'm not sure how tonight's scheduled phone call will go.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Yes the attorney knows I record and document everything. I have been doing it since before we hired him. It's not illegal in our state, I checked that before I started recording. I didn't have to let BM know I was recording but I did. I let her know I kept all VM's and text messages as well.
recordings between BM and the kids are not for court. They are strictly for SD's counselor.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5