? Re Shower Etiquette when you are a bridesmaid..

mcgeeva · August 2013

So long story short I am in an upcoming wedding out of town and I am a bridesmaid. I have received an email "The Bridal shower is not far away and I thought we could all meet at my house to discuss the details for decorations, favors, food menu, etc...". Mind you I am the only one coming from out of town along with my mother. Is it expected that I supply party favors, decorate, clean up after the event? I am bringing food but I am not sure if I need to do more to avoid drama. I only ask this because everyone has their own expectations when it comes to events. Every shower I have had - baby and bridal, my family did not lift a finger, offer to host or even offer to help my friends. Now it's obviously expected. What would you do? I don't want to not do things because people never did them for me. So how do I do the right thing without feeling too bitter about things?

I should add I have already spoke to the bride who was stressed her mother does not know how to ask for help. That she was afraid it was too much for her mother to do and the bridesmaids were expected to help.

mcgeeva · August 2013

I should also add I most likely wont be going to the bachelorette party because I will be 5 months pregnant, Don't want to keep giving up weekends where ds is not invited, and already have to make numerous trips out of town for dress fittings..have to have a whole new front added to my dress because I was not able to pick anything maternity related so only they will alter it since they are ordering the fabric and everything.

wittyschaffy · August 2013

I guess I am not clear on if you've agreed to host a shower. When my sister got married, the MOH hosted a shower (I was a bridesmaid), I offered to help if she needed it but it was her shower, not mine. How far out of town are you? If you're within an hour or two, I think it would be a nice gesture to offer to help but if you're flying in or something, then of course you shouldn't have to make a special trip. As for the bachelorette party, I think that sorta comes with the territory of being in the wedding party. You don't need to go out all night on the town, but making an appearance doesn't seem like asking too much.

daisy662 · August 2013

When you say you live out of town, how far away are you exactly? This plays a major factor in my response...

dufferoo · August 2013

I am also confused by the wording of your post, but I would say that in general the maid of honor and bridesmaids host a shower--not the mother of the bride--though there's no real obligation on anyone's part. If you never agreed to host and you just want to bring food, then you definitely have a good excuse in your late stage pregnancy. I will say, however, that it probably wouldn't kill you to show up a few minutes early to help set up or maybe stay a few minutes late to help clean up. No one will actually expect you to do much but at least you won't look like a total resistor.

mcgeeva · August 2013

Sorry I am a cousin and I live three hours away.

mcgeeva · August 2013

Her mother is throwing the shower. I never offered because truly my family never offered to do a shower for me even when we had babies due a week apart yet my whole family had a shower for mu cousin. I guess I'm irritated there are now expectations of me that my cousin nor her mother (my mothers sister) ever did. I want to be the bigger person just having a hard time with it. And if I speak up then I'm the b. To make it more complicated I'm carpooling with my mother and she doesn't want me to do a thing either which she will then flip her sh@t if I go overboard doing things because she is pissed her siblings never help her with anything which I think adds to how I feel.

mcgeeva · August 2013

So now that I am reading what I'm writing I am just complaining. My cousin was my bridesmaid as well and showed up to my shower Late, was never involved and also did not come to my bachelorette party. Guess I'm doing no better.

mcgeeva · August 2013

Also the invites for the shower already went out. My aunt just doesn't want to pay for food, decorations or anything yet she just told us 52 people are coming.

JilllyBean · August 2013

Well typically, I think you should help out while you are there. It won't kill you. It's not like they are going to ask you to move furniture. Clean up the dishes and help put flowers on the table, etc. but after reading your other responses it sounds like you are just bitter and trying to pay back your cousin for not helping at yours. I'd say be a bigger person or don't go. You will look like a bitch if you just stand around refusing to do things. I'd be a bigger person, personally.

mcgeeva · August 2013

Got it. I should of just titled this a vent.. Sorry guys. Having a me moment but I will do what I always do and just pull my big girl pants up and be the bigger person.

carlieanddanwedding · August 2013

In your shoes, I would try to be the bigger person, and offer to show up early to help set up/decorate, and do it with a smile on my face. I would also say straight off that I would not be able to help clean up, due to being pregnant and the likelihood that I will be tired and may have to beg off early. Since you had no say in the size of the guest list, I would not feel obligated to help in any way with finances. If you are bringing food to contribute, I think that's plenty. And I am only saying any of that because this is family, and IMO it's just not worth family drama even when they're the ones being rude.

Being a bridesmaid does not automatically make you a cohost, though it sounds like that's what they're expecting. Make sure you clarify the exact expectations ahead of time, and make your limitations clear. You have a great (and legitimate!) excuse for minimal involvement what with being pregnant, so don't hesitate to use it. You have to look out for you and your LO first and foremost, and that means not overextending yourself!

All of that said, I hosted a bridal shower for a friend of mine last May, when I was about five months pregnant. I did most of the decorating, cooked a full meal, and did all of the clean-up, all on my own. I wasn't even a bridesmaid, just a friend of the bride who stepped in and offered to host when I realized the wedding was approaching and no one else had offered. A couple of ladies showed up a little early to help with some last-minute decorating, and a couple helped at the end with some basic table clearing, but for the most part, I took on the whole burden, and I was perfectly fine with it. To me, that is what you agree to when you agree to host something like this, and getting butthurt because no one offers to pitch in is just silly. If you don't have the time/$$/energy, don't offer to host! Of course, my group was much smaller (about twenty all told) to stay with in my budget in terms of both money and energy!

mcgeeva · August 2013

I've always just believed if you want to host any party for that matter you should do so expecting to pay and provide everything. If people offer to contribute great.. If not dont throw parties you couldn't afford to do so.

ArgyleBride · August 2013

While you have a few valid points, I think your anger is clouding your judgment a lot. You are letting your bitterness at her behavior warp your perspective, making even reasonable requests sound bad. Don't let your resentment cause you to behave in exactly the way you detested. And good luck--I know these things can be trying.

msmerymac · August 2013

I'm very much of the opinion that whoever plans, pays. I would respond saying you won't be able to be a cohost due to distance, time, etc, etc, but you plan to bring x food to the party. Perhaps you can do something else. Not something that will take up time, but offer to put $25 or $50 towards the party, too. But I don't think it's necessary if you are coming from OOT and contributing food.

Some people ASSume that all the BMs should split the cost equally (even if they don't split the hosting or responsibilities equally), so try to be clear upfront about what you expect to do.

EastCoastBride · August 2013

My take- I'm going to say "be the bigger person", but that doesn't mean bend over backwards either.

You're going w/ your mom. So... be on her schedule. When you show up, offer to help. As the shower starts to wind down, offer to clean up. But when your mom says "we need to go", go.

mcgeeva · August 2013

No I definitely need to talk to my Aunt. My cousin also has the idea I am going make all bouquets and table decorations the night before the wedding after rehearsal dinner. I don’t know anything about real flowers and I don’t know if it’s possible. I have a really hard time saying no.

Disneygeek77 · August 2013

I agree with what ECB said. Still bring whatever food you were planning on bringing, no more. Help set up or clean if that is what everyone else is doing, but stick to your mom's plans. If she doesn't want to show up early or stay late, then don't.

As far as the flowers go, just decline. Don't give a reason ( they will try to argue with you) just say you won't be able to make it. Trust me, once you start saying " No " to people, the easier it will get.

Texasmomma13 · August 2013

mcgeeva said:

No I definitely need to talk to my Aunt. My cousin also has the idea I am going make all bouquets and table decorations the night before the wedding after rehearsal dinner. I don’t know anything about real flowers and I don’t know if it’s possible. I have a really hard time saying no.

Your cousin sounds like an entitled brat. Just say no. No one can make you do something you don't want to do or can't do.

? Re Shower Etiquette when you are a bridesmaid..

Re: ? Re Shower Etiquette when you are a bridesmaid..

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