DH/partner freakouts: Let's compare notes.

GettinCrafty · August 2013

Good morning, ladies!

Emotions are running high in our house and I need a sanity check. I'm willing to bet I'm not alone.

So, let's compare notes about our DH/partner freakouts; their seemingly random (though valid, of course) emotions at key points of the trek. What has your DH/partner done along this IF journey that made you cock your head to one side and say, "HUH?"

liz4paws · August 2013

DH has thrown a few curveballs at me, thats for sure. It's not good when that is mixed with hormones, I usually blow a gasket. Then I end up feeling guilty because he's entitled to feel how he feels even if I don't like it sometimes. This whole IF journey sucks, and while I have the support of TB, DH doesn't have that. He's processing it at his own rate and sometimes it's not on the timeline that I like. I need to be more patient!

Good luck, I think the affects IF has on a marriage are some of the hardest parts.

sorrellam30 · August 2013

My DH has been great, that being said I know money is a big stressor. Even though we paid for shared risk our meds run about 7k each cycle. So we are about 30k in and always wondering where the end point will be, and how much we can keep affording to go. So I know a lot of his frustration are the finances. He never wants to do anything that costs money-bc we might need that money.

Praying4Miracle17 · August 2013

There have been a few times after an appointment with our RE where DH would ask me something and I would wonder if he was listening at all! I know a lot of information usually is exchanged during appointments, but seriously, some of the questions I would be like "really"? Haha. Good think I listen at our appointments

PhillyJ33 · August 2013

Praying4Miracle17 said:
There have been a few times after an appointment with our RE where DH would ask me something and I would wonder if he was listening at all! I know a lot of information usually is exchanged during appointments, but seriously, some of the questions I would be like "really"? Haha. Good think I listen at our appointments

This. All the time!! As we were driving to ER, I was a stressball and DH says don't worry, they will just make a small incision in your stomach and it will be over before you know it. Seriously, they are going through my vagina with a needle, did you totally miss that part of the presentation or listen to anything I had to say for the last week? I wanted to strangle him. No clue.

Otherwise, he is okay!

ElleBeeKay · August 2013

This isn't really a freakout, but my H was so nervous at our first IVF monitoring appointment that he was literally pacing while the RE was doing the ultrasound and ended up knocking a picture off the wall in the exam room. Ugh. The RE just laughed and said he'd add it to our bill.

I went to all monitoring appointments alone after that, it just wasn't worth him stressing me out!

When I went for my bloodwork at one point, he insisted on coming with me. We walked into the room where they draw it and my H exclaimed, "I just got a craving for chicken nuggets!" Uhhhhhh. Again, it was the nervousness coming out I think (haha) but I was so mortified. Luckily the nurse just laughed and said, "That's random."

For the most part, he is the calm one and I'm the one who is having a crying episode/freakout. But one time last winter, he came home from work and his whole face was red and puffy and he was just bawling. He heard a song in the car and I guess it just set him off. Obviously he had been holding things in but it broke my heart to see him that way.

Lacyj67 · August 2013

Yesterday after our first FET appointment he was super excited about our embryos we have and so we started talking baby names in the car. He got really mad when I joked that we won't need some of the boy names cuz I'm only having girls ... Lol I was kidding! No he was pissed and then said why do you always shoot down all the names I like ? Lol he's like fine... Whatever were just gonna have girls anyways. Makes me laugh now... I'm like babe... We dont have to worry about it yet... We're not even pregnant yet... Lets worry about that part first!

Praying4Miracle17 · August 2013

PhillyJ33 said:

There have been a few times after an appointment with our RE where DH would ask me something and I would wonder if he was listening at all! I know a lot of information usually is exchanged during appointments, but seriously, some of the questions I would be like "really"? Haha. Good think I listen at our appointments
This. All the time!! As we were driving to ER, I was a stressball and DH says don't worry, they will just make a small incision in your stomach and it will be over before you know it. Seriously, they are going through my vagina with a needle, did you totally miss that part of the presentation or listen to anything I had to say for the last week? I wanted to strangle him. No clue. Otherwise, he is okay!

Hah!! This is awesome. Once, just to test him and make a joke of it, I told him that we couldn't have sex for about 4 months straight (2 months before FET and 2 months after). He seemed to go along with it even though we talked about this with our RE and this was not the case (maybe the after but not the before). I was surprised that he just took my word b/c I swear this boy is like every night (if you know what I mean). I finally fessed up and told him I was just kidding with him!!

tptbabe · August 2013

DH has been insufferable. Considering we found out that the MFI is at least partially caused by a hormonal imbalance, it kind of makes sense, but it also doesn't make it any easier. He freaks out about every little thing on a daily basis! It's getting really old. Currently, the big one is money. Because my contract finished four and a half months ago, and my job search has been fruitless, it's really wearing on us. We've already had to use our IVF savings to pay bills and such, and now it's just getting more and more difficult. He blames me for not having a job, and he blames himself for not being able to reproduce, even though the issues are on both ends. To be honest, if we go a single day without a fight, it's a miracle! I walk around on eggshells, trying to avoid something that will start an argument. Which is basically anything at this point, including breathing the wrong way.

Twinkie0612 · August 2013

When we were going through treatments, it would drive me crazy that DH would never bother to learn the name of what procedure/test we were doing. He called the HSG the "x-ray thing" and he always messed up IUI (I think he called it IUF). He always understood the concepts of what we were doing, but never got the names right. I was constantly correcting him. Maybe it's because I wanted to learn everything I could, it just bothered me that he couldn't even learn the right names. What's weird is he always remembers IVF, although I am pretty sure he has no idea what it stands for.

GettinCrafty · August 2013

Oh god, those DHs! Once again TheBump makes me feel so NOT all alone. Thanks, ladies! Keep 'em coming.

What prompted me to post this (sorry it's a bit long): DH has been extra moody lately, seemingly anxious about our current IVF#1 (take two...see siggy). It got to epic proportions over the weekend and yesterday with a couple yelling explosions, rare and out of character for both of us. In the aftermath last night, as DH and I were talking and processing, DH was questioning whether this is what we really want -- to be parents. ER is tomorrow! He also let on that he thinks he only agreed to pursue treatment, including IVF which required a bit of soul searching for both of us, to make me happy and because he didn't want me to resent him later. He sort of felt like, since our odds weren't very good, it might be a win/win. HUH? We are so connected and good at communicating usually, but I didn't sense this at all along the way. It took us both a long time to decide we wanted kids, and just as long to decide to pursue each level of treatment. He's gotten more positive and excited than me about the possibility of us becoming parents. I honestly don't feel like either one of us actively pressured the other. So, HUH? Anyway, this morning he said he was just having a panic attack about how things might change in our lives either way, and that he's totally on board. I just don't know how to process it. It's too heavy.

MaiTaiBeth -- Haha...AH. I like that right now. :P

sparkles2040 · August 2013

LOVE that Im not alone! DH wasnt really involved at first- for testing and info meetings. Then infertility got real and he started paying attention and going to appts. He keeps repeating "wow, I didnt realize it would be this hard." I feel ya buddy, but we are 8 months in, you can quit saying it. Oh and I love when I catch him on the phone to a friend or his boss saying the wrong term which I know he thinks he gets the "gist" but no, thats not correct. And he has said to me "Is that you talking or the meds?" Oh Justin, I am cranky you didnt check your pockets before laundry, I am cranky there is paper and pen all over the dryer, its all me, not the meds!" Gotta love him.

GettinCrafty · August 2013

sparkles2040 said:

LOVE that Im not alone! DH wasnt really involved at first- for testing and info meetings. Then infertility got real and he started paying attention and going to appts. He keeps repeating "wow, I didnt realize it would be this hard." I feel ya buddy, but we are 8 months in, you can quit saying it. Oh and I love when I catch him on the phone to a friend or his boss saying the wrong term which I know he thinks he gets the "gist" but no, thats not correct. And he has said to me "Is that you talking or the meds?" Oh Justin, I am cranky you didnt check your pockets before laundry, I am cranky there is paper and pen all over the dryer, its all me, not the meds!" Gotta love him.

Haha, OMG, I'd totally lose it if DH said that!

KezziRiv · August 2013

My DW is wonderful but has been super super SUPER scared this cycle over failure. THat said we were getting ready to go to transfer on Sunday and we've got about 40 minutes to leave to be on time. What does she do? She starts cleaning the kitchen and then moves on to the catpan. Then she has an ENORMOUS blow up at me because I put the cat liter into the bin in a way that made it difficult to get back out ( I basically dropped the bag in by mistake and then just cut a hole in the bottom for access). SO i'm trying not to engage her because I know she's really just scared but eventually we wind up hollaring over the damn cat liter! It was epic.

sparkles2040 · August 2013

@GettinCrafty - Yeah I wasnt pleased and cussed quite a bit. Bet he wont say that again. Best of luck to him if he does.

delatl · August 2013

My DH tends to freak out the most about the money. We have had two major arguments since starting treatment. One was when I forced him to really engage with the costs (because we had to sign documents for the RE!) and he spiraled into a bad place, feeling like all our money was going right out the door and it was what I wanted more than him. We worked through that but I was really pissed. Then, when the first IVF cycle failed and I forced him to engage in the conversation about our limits: how much would we spend, how many tries, etc. My DH likes to avoid hard topics, whereas I'm a worrier and tend to obsess over hard things, so it didn't surprise me that we were bumping heads in this way. But I get tired of feeling like I'm doing all the work and taking all the blows. That being said, he has been mostly amazingly supportive, especially after the miscarriage.

Twinkie0612 · August 2013

delatl said:My DH tends to freak out the most about the money. We have had two major arguments since starting treatment. One was when I forced him to really engage with the costs (because we had to sign documents for the RE!) and he spiraled into a bad place, feeling like all our money was going right out the door and it was what I wanted more than him. We worked through that but I was really pissed. Then, when the first IVF cycle failed and I forced him to engage in the conversation about our limits: how much would we spend, how many tries, etc. My DH likes to avoid hard topics, whereas I'm a worrier and tend to obsess over hard things, so it didn't surprise me that we were bumping heads in this way. But I get tired of feeling like I'm doing all the work and taking all the blows. That being said, he has been mostly amazingly supportive, especially after the miscarriage.

My DH doesn't worry about money at all. I take care of the budget and pay bills at our house. When I would freak out about having to pay for treatments OOP, he would tell me tell me that we were fine and that we have the money. Um, yeah DH you have no freaking clue what our budget looks like. You don't know how much our bills are, how much we make in a month, and how much treatments (at the time IUI) cost. How do you know we have the money? Because you said we do?

One of our last big fights over money was because I wanted him to sit down and look at our budget with me (this was between IUI 3 and IUI 4). He thought that if I made him look at the budget then I was saying he was spending too much money. The point of looking at the budget was so that we were on the same page with where our money was going.

poohniki · August 2013

OMG.. I love this post. (I love my DH dearly- he's very supportive but sometimes...) I clearly have done too many IVFs because I have too many stories. The first IVF my DH thought it would be a great idea to buy a new car because we were going to have kids... 2 years later I'm still asking myself why on earth we need a car with 3 rows. His newest thing is to tell everyone during ERs that he's in paramedic school and questions everything they are doing. He even tells people he can deliver a baby (umm..). He's forgotten to set alarms for morning appointments and I've had to cry to be taken into monitoring. I seriously have an alarm set for 5am everyday- just in case- since May... just in case. Last Sunday he starting playing with the light in the office and I was just laying down, waiting.. didn't realize he left it so it blinded the RE when he walked in. Then he made the comment to me about how my RE really knows what he's doing with that wand. Ok we were alone, but my RE is kinda cute and umm.. that was just wrong.

Pr@yinforbe@n · August 2013

GettinCrafty said:
Oh god, those DHs! Once again TheBump makes me feel so NOT all alone. Thanks, ladies! Keep 'em coming.

What prompted me to post this (sorry it's a bit long): DH has been extra moody lately, seemingly anxious about our current IVF#1 (take two...see siggy). It got to epic proportions over the weekend and yesterday with a couple yelling explosions, rare and out of character for both of us. In the aftermath last night, as DH and I were talking and processing, DH was questioning whether this is what we really want -- to be parents. ER is tomorrow! He also let on that he thinks he only agreed to pursue treatment, including IVF which required a bit of soul searching for both of us, to make me happy and because he didn't want me to resent him later. He sort of felt like, since our odds weren't very good, it might be a win/win. HUH? We are so connected and good at communicating usually, but I didn't sense this at all along the way. It took us both a long time to decide we wanted kids, and just as long to decide to pursue each level of treatment. He's gotten more positive and excited than me about the possibility of us becoming parents. I honestly don't feel like either one of us actively pressured the other. So, HUH? Anyway, this morning he said he was just having a panic attack about how things might change in our lives either way, and that he's totally on board. I just don't know how to process it. It's too heavy.

MaiTaiBeth -- Haha...AH. I like that right now. :P

OMG! Mine had the same freak out while I was stimming! Said he just didn't know if he wanted to go through with it. He said he was just scared of how our lives will change forever. And being we are major mfi he didn't think we would ever get this chance. Well the day I told him about the bfp he went in shock! I mean barely talked for hours- said he had mentally prepared himself that there was that 40% chance it wouldn't work and with our luck we would be in it. He is adjusting now but still scared to death. Men!! I said like I am not scared- it's my body that endured the shots and now has to endure pregnancy and childbirth....

KR250222 · August 2013

DH does not listen/remember anything. I can't recall what he asked me about a transfer but it was so asinine that I remember yelling, AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON? I mean, seriously.

Another time we were talking about FET #1 and DH asked the RE how does she know she is giving us the right embryo? Valid question I suppose, but I'm sitting there in fear thinking of what I have to go through next and his big question is if I'm going to have someone else's kid. It's 2013 buddy, they have a protocol. Let's focus on how you're possibly going to have to give me a nightly shot above my ass.

MrsC430 · August 2013

My DH drives me nuts when he complains about having to change his work schedule / take time off for RE appointments. Mind you, the only appointments he has gone to were our first WTF appt and our ER/ETs. I don't think he realizes how much of a bigger time commitment us women go through! Between all of the initial testing, blood draws, ultrasounds, endless phone calls w/ RE's office, and so on - I feel like IF runs my life some days. Oh men...

MrsSJE2011 · August 2013

DH does not listen/remember anything. I can't recall what he asked me about a transfer but it was so asinine that I remember yelling, AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON? I mean, seriously.

Another time we were talking about FET #1 and DH asked the RE how does she know she is giving us the right embryo? Valid question I suppose, but I'm sitting there in fear thinking of what I have to go through next and his big question is if I'm going to have someone else's kid. It's 2013 buddy, they have a protocol. Let's focus on how you're possibly going to have to give me a nightly shot above my ass.

This exactly! I feel like 95% of my responses to DH's questions begin with "We already discussed this but..." or with him saying "I think I already asked this but....".

DH had a MASSIVE freak out last Wednesday that started with "I don't want to have a baby". Cue the ugly cry! I think it was just the reality of having a tentative ET date. Now that we are pushed back due to lining issues he said at dinner tonight "Maybe its a sign." I chose just to ignore him!

beachy6 · August 2013

Oh, I'm so glad I'm not alone! What is it with ER/ET that these SO's freak out! For some background... We've been going to an RE for 8 years. Because of my endo, it has been suggested from about DAY 1 of seeing an RE that we do IVF. It has been explained a zillion times by our old and new RE. So, 2 days before ER, we were talking about "the deed" that DH would have to do on the morning of ER. DH said, "So, since they're putting these guys (sperm) up there further, they should be able to find the egg this time." Uh, seriously? He actually thought we paid that much more money for the RE to "put them up there" further? Then, when attempted to calmly explain what IVF is (thinking it would jog his memory from the hundreds of times it's been explained to us, he said, "Isn't that like playing God? I don't like that." WTF!!!! Cue hormonal freak out!! Obviously, he lost that fight. I'm so glad my DH isn't the only one that zones out in these appointments. I feel like I need to re-cap all of our appointments on the way home from each appointment.

Issa6601 · August 2013

PhillyJ33 said:

There have been a few times after an appointment with our RE where DH would ask me something and I would wonder if he was listening at all! I know a lot of information usually is exchanged during appointments, but seriously, some of the questions I would be like "really"? Haha. Good think I listen at our appointments
This. All the time!! As we were driving to ER, I was a stressball and DH says don't worry, they will just make a small incision in your stomach and it will be over before you know it. Seriously, they are going through my vagina with a needle, did you totally miss that part of the presentation or listen to anything I had to say for the last week? I wanted to strangle him. No clue. Otherwise, he is okay!

Oh my God! I thought my DH was the only who had absolutely no clue what is going on... When I told him a couple of weeks ago that the injections for the FET would be intramuscular, he thought I meant that the embryos would be injected that way, the EMBRYOS. I was rolling down laughing it was so hilarious. Mind you, we've had two IVF cycles (albeit only one transfer) so it's not his first time around the block.

Margritli · August 2013

ThoseThreeWords said:

weeklyplanner said:

My DH is annoyingly optimistic. Like, does not worry at all because he genuinely thinks treatments will work. All I do is worry and stress. I think I'm the only one who gets hurt with all the setbacks and then he feels bad that I'm upset. I think he's just in denial and ignorance really is bliss!

This is us. DH is so optimistic about everything...but especially this.

When I complained after he had a sleepless night and kept me up, he said "You should get used to it because a baby is going to keep you up most of the night." Last night the dog wouldn't stop barking (probably because DH gives him attention for barking) and DH said "I guess we should get used to the noise because a baby will be noisy." Those comments really piss me off.

Yep, this is us, too. It is going to be a nasty shock for him when it doesn't work right away. In generally, though, he has been dealing with it pretty well. We were bickering one night about something totally unrelated and he got really sad and turned to me and said, "Well, you have every right to leave me if you want, because I have stupid sperm." It broke my heart and half-annoyed me with his poor-me pity party. I am glad to hear others say that their DHs are being moody, too. I called him out this weekend after a friend (who doesn't know) actually asked me what was with him and he admitted that he had been not dealing so well with things.

KR250222 · August 2013

Margritli said:

ThoseThreeWords said:

weeklyplanner said:

My DH is annoyingly optimistic. Like, does not worry at all because he genuinely thinks treatments will work. All I do is worry and stress. I think I'm the only one who gets hurt with all the setbacks and then he feels bad that I'm upset. I think he's just in denial and ignorance really is bliss!

This is us. DH is so optimistic about everything...but especially this.

When I complained after he had a sleepless night and kept me up, he said "You should get used to it because a baby is going to keep you up most of the night." Last night the dog wouldn't stop barking (probably because DH gives him attention for barking) and DH said "I guess we should get used to the noise because a baby will be noisy." Those comments really piss me off.

Yep, this is us, too. It is going to be a nasty shock for him when it doesn't work right away. In generally, though, he has been dealing with it pretty well. We were bickering one night about something totally unrelated and he got really sad and turned to me and said, "Well, you have every right to leave me if you want, because I have stupid sperm." It broke my heart and half-annoyed me with his poor-me pity party. I am glad to hear others say that their DHs are being moody, too. I called him out this weekend after a friend (who doesn't know) actually asked me what was with him and he admitted that he had been not dealing so well with things.

My DH feels guilty too because it's his diagnosis that forced us down this road. He has also said something similar about how I could leave him. I think he needed to hear that of course I would not be doing that and I don't blame him. Poor guys! I've had a few girlfriends tell me though that if it were their husbands they would be annoyed and upset at them. Doesn't seem productive to me!

DH/partner freakouts: Let's compare notes.

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