Preggo Bridesmaid & Need Practical Advice (long)

MioBambino · August 2013

Hi. I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding in Sept. My relationship with the bride is good, but not super close…the groom is my longterm good friend and DH is the best man. Because her bachelorette party is coming up soon, I'm wondering if any of you have run into a similar situation and how you handled it. If not, WWYD under these circumstances...

(1) Do you go to the bachelorette party because you're a bridesmaid and it's your duty, even when you're pregnant? Is it totally faux pas to consider not going? I don't want to be a wet blanket for the bride's sake...but the mere thought of being in a club makes me want to go to bed.

(2) (these are mostly facts, and just a teeny bit of complaining) The rest of the crowd attending is in their young 20's, and are neither married or have babies.

My best friend and I are mid-20's, are both married and I have a 20-month-old DS. I remember these single and free days all too well, so I am not passing judgement on how the MOH organized this... But as I'm sure you can relate, at 20 weeks I'll be in NO position to bunk with 8 super 'spirited' girls in a single hotel room, even if the intent of MOH was to cut costs for the larger majority.

So, this is how we handled it. My friend and I sprung for another hotel room adjacent to their room, explaining that because I'm pregnant I would be really, really, uncomfortable, which is no lie. The extra cost I don't love but can deal with because it was my choice. We did end up absorbing our 'part' of the other room, in addition to the extra room we're splitting so the other girls could still get the 'deal.' I don't want to be a cheap a-hole so this is nothing to sweat, right?

(3) Now… the other bigger question...the group cost for dinner is close to $100, including dinner, 2-3 drinks each, drinks for the bride and tip. Is this one of those situations when you notice the extra cost to you, but just kind of swallow it...or would you try to point out the fact that you have food aversions like crazy so may or may not be eating, and while I'd love to buy drinks for the bride…I myself will certainly not be drinking 3 $15 drinks?

I guess what I really want to know is…what would you do, or how have you handled a similar situation?

sept9107bride · August 2013

1. I've been the pregnant bridesmaid (though not "out") I had to fake it. Sucked it up buying fake drinks and all. You should definitely go. Don't be a party pooper.

2. I think it's awesome you ponyed up for an additional room and hopefully the other girls will too. Good job on paying your part, very well respected.

3. You'll probably have to suck it up. Now when other girls start chipping in for cabs, shots, etc, that's where I'd probably wait it out.

Lastly, it's verrrry easy to identify the one "unfun" girl at the bachelorette party. I think this is just the case to put on your happy face and try to enjoy it. You never know, you might have fun!

Winnieella · August 2013

I say try your best to enjoy it.

juliasmama2010 · August 2013

Ugh, I've been the pregnant MOH and I do not envy your position. We didn't do the whole hotel thing so I didn't have to deal with that, but I hated by drinks for her...killed me! I think this is a "suck it up" situation, unfortunately. PP is right, easy to pick the unfun bridesmaid. But if you fake it til you make it, you'll be the awesome preggo chick that was able to hang with the crew.

HappyDoc · August 2013

Going out to a club is the absolute last thing I would want to do at 20 weeks! Would it be an option to go to the dinner and then go to your comfy hotel room? Or go to the club and then leave early if you get tired?

xanadu94 · August 2013

You definitely should go to the dinner and yes, unfortunately, pay the $100 per person bill that each bridesmaid is paying. It all goes hand in hand with the duty of being in the wedding party.

As for the club situation, I think you might be able to get out of that. I would either not go and give money to another bridesmaid to buy the bride shots on you. Or go for a little bit, buy her a couple of drinks and see if you can leave early. You leaving early doesn't need to affect the amount of fun the rest of the party is having. Plus it's been my experience (although many years ago) that clubs are loud, crowded, and smoky. That's fine as someone flying solo but not necessarily when you have a baby on the way.

sept9107bride · August 2013

*** caveat to my earlier note.....clubbing without smoke is doable (if that's the rules in your region)...clubbing WITH lots of smoke....I'd be heading home in an instant. that is something that you cannot avoid in that situation and I'd not want to be inhaling that for my LO.

Amymarie13 · August 2013

My MOH was preg for my bach party. We didn't do the hotel, but she went out to dinner with us, split cost for dinner, drinks ( non-preg people wont get the whole you-dont-feel-like eating thing) and then when we went to continue the nightclub part, she gracefully said goodnight. I thought nothing of it. I think you should go to dinner, pitch in for brides drinks and if need be eat the cost of the 3 drinks you wont be drinking

( (that is annoying) and then go back to your hotel room if you dont feel like going out

nbbride06 · August 2013

sept9107bride said:

1. I've been the pregnant bridesmaid (though not "out") I had to fake it. Sucked it up buying fake drinks and all. You should definitely go. Don't be a party pooper.

2. I think it's awesome you ponyed up for an additional room and hopefully the other girls will too. Good job on paying your part, very well respected.

3. You'll probably have to suck it up. Now when other girls start chipping in for cabs, shots, etc, that's where I'd probably wait it out.

Lastly, it's verrrry easy to identify the one "unfun" girl at the bachelorette party. I think this is just the case to put on your happy face and try to enjoy it. You never know, you might have fun!

All of this. I just went to one recently when I was in the middle of fairly severe all day sickness too. I did share a room with my SIL, as you are choosing to do. And I did leave the late night stuff around midnight but without making any fuss. Try to enjoy the night away from kids and early morning wake ups

peitri · August 2013

:lurking from Dec13:

I went to a bachelorette party last month when I really didn't want to. It was different than your situation; we went wine tasting. I'm not a bridesmaid either, but the MOH ended up emailing everyone who had already confirmed weeks ago asking if they would pitch in $60 each for a limo. I was irritated, because this wasn't in the evite when I got it, and because I was paying $60 to not drink wine. In the end, bride's dad paid for the whole limo so I was off the hook. I probably came across as the "unfun" one, but I actually enjoyed myself more than I thought I would. Maybe because I had such low expectations, who knows.

However, being sober paid off when we returned to bride's house and discovered she never took her keys with her, and her SO had gone to visit family 2 hours away and we were locked out. Everyone sat around outside in hot weather waiting for him, and I drove home, as I was the only one able to.

I agree with PP about making the right choice to go and get your own room. You might have to suck it up at dinner though, unless there's a way to just order your own stuff. I'd at least look into it. Good luck!

apickett925 · August 2013

I was in a wedding in July where I skipped the party. It was basically a weekend in Atlantic City with lots of alcohol and clubbing. 2 hours away from home when I was constantly nauseous and asleep by 9- it was not going to happen and my Bride understood.

I am also in a wedding in Sept and have the party this weekend. Luckily they're a little more low key, so we're doing beach Fri, small party at MOH's house Fri night, beach Sat, then out for dinner and clubbing Sat night. I'm going to most, but driving home after dinner on Sat night. They're planning to stay out until 2-3 am and I KNOW there's no way I'd make it! Bride totally understands and I'm not the only one not doing the whole weekend.

rowanthefrog · August 2013

I've been a pregnant bridesmaid twice. Once I was around 7 weeks pg at the bachelorette party and 11 at the wedding. The other I was about 7.5 months pregnant at the bachelorette party and had a 5 week old at the wedding.

For both I went out to the bachelorette party (yes, I got some dirty looks out at the bar 7.5 months pregnant. Whatever, I knew I wasn't drinking and I was there to support my friend.)

I ended up being the responsible one and making sure everyone got back on the bus etc.

I think getting your own room is probably a decent idea.

I think that grinning and bearing it for a night for your friend is the best thing to do. It's one evening (ok two, including the wedding.) Just go, put a smile on your face and have fun. It is actually possible to have fun with drunk people while sober.

I think the worst thing you could do is go and be grumpy the whole time, so I would go and roll with it and show them how fun a pregnant girl can be

A

lolinshag · August 2013

Gotta suck it up, IMHO. And you could get virgin drinks.

good job on the room. I would go to the club(smokeless) for a while then head back if you're tired. If not, be the "DD" and try to keep the girls from making dumb decisions like a bride having a one night stand or girls leaving their purses behind?

ashybear · August 2013

I don't have much to add to PP, just that there's actual some [sick] satisfaction in seeing all those hungover people the morning after a big night (I was at a wedding last weekend): They all actually get how we preggos have been feeling for months!

indiana101 · August 2013

I'm MOH for my friends wedding in November. It's about her, not me, so I plan on giving her the best night possible. In your case, even though you are not as close, I would definitely go and suck up the price etc. You may just be surprised at how much fun you'll have. I may have suggested otherwise if you were 8/9 months pregnant and miserable but I would think 2nd tri is not too difficult for most people to manage a night out.

susieandmarty · August 2013

I'd say suck up the cost of dinner and skip the after dinner stuff and get back to the hotel. Going to a bachelorette party right now sounds like the worst thing I could do. Try to have an amazing time for the parts you are there for!

PBP2002 · August 2013

I was in my friend's wedding 5 days before I had DS. I went to her bachelorette party 32 weeks pregnant. While it wasn't the most fun I've ever had, we did the expensive dinner, clubbing (no smoke laws, thank goodness) and hotel stay. It was actually kind of funny to watch all the drunks running around, to be honest - and I think it's always good to have someone semi-sober to keep tabs on everyone.

Jackapatamus · August 2013

I just did this last Friday night! I didn't stay at the hotel (as it was only 15 minutes from my house) but instead brought champagne, orange juice and bagels for the girls in the morning. I was concerned about dinner too, since I would be the only one not drinking, but was pleasantly surprised when instead of individual cocktails, we ordered bottles of wine to enjoy! There was 15 girls, so this really cut down on the $ spent for drinks! Maybe you could suggest this! I did give the bride-to-be a headsup a few days before that I wouldn't be staying out as late as the other girls! So, if you decide to head back to the hotel a little early, I think that would be ok! We all met in the hotel for drinks before, then went to a little later dinner, then out....I chose to leave when the shots were flowing! ( it was around midnight!). I have to say, I had a really good time...

rowanthefrog · August 2013

I agree that you don't have to stay out until the wee hours of the morning. I think everyone will understand if you decide to turn in around 11 or 12 and you will certainly have given it a good effort.

A

sehudson821 · August 2013

I'm in a similar situation right now. The bride and I had a convo about me attending a while back and she and I came to the conclusion that I would sit it out. (Mostly due to traveling for 20+ hours in a car in one weekend). If the party was closer, I would definitely be going. But 10.5 hrs each way (driving alone) is just a little much. She and I have been friends for a long time and even though she was very kind and understanding, I still felt guilty. So, I've made an extra effort to go to all of her showers etc and am still sending her some lingerie to the party. I also may spring for a bottle of champagne to be sent to her table when they go to dinner. I think you getting your own room was a great idea. Just go and have as much fun as you can, but when you're tired, head back to your hotel and go to bed! She will understand. Don't stress too much- your baby needs you to be happy

Momto1goofball · August 2013

I will be in a similar situation the end of Sept. I am not a big drinker so I'm not really worried about that but I know the other girls are partiers and can get wild while I am not. I am not sure what the MOH is planning yet so we will see. I will go for most of it and then probably head home when I start to get tired.

Rebis58 · August 2013

When I got married one of my bridesmaids was pregnant and the other had a newborn and toddler. Both girls got their own hotel rooms with their husbands.

We did a wine tour, dinner, and a club. The husbands took care of the babies and kept each other company and the girls spent the day and evening with us. Of course I wanted them to stay all day and night, but was not hurt in the least when my pregnant friend turned in after dinner and would have hated to know she had stayed longer than she was comfortable with. (I did tell them both beforehand that they could bow out whenever they needed/wanted to)

I agree with the other ladies, I would suck up the cost and stick it out through to the dinner, but I personally would probably bow out when it came time for the club. I love the idea PP had about delivering breakfast the next morning!

Mommasay0 · August 2013

I had to go to my SIL bachelorette party while pregnant. We went to a comedy club then a bar after. I went to the comedy club with everyone but skipped the bar. I hate bachelorette parties and barely had one of my own. Honestly we went to a nail salon and got mani pedi the night before.

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