I have a calendar, and musings

ArgyleBride · August 2013

Well, the slow march is not very slow on this end of things, it seems. I was approved as a donor (now that did take a long time) but had a match within like a week. The IM and I happen to be on very similar cycles, but we're still on BC for what looks like just over a full cycle--I start Saturday. The retrieval is tentatively scheduled for mid-September.

I still don't know much about them--I knew they were a couple, now I know husband and wife. I know that the wife and I keep calling the same people. I talked to the people delivering my meds and they mentioned that they just spoke with her and got payment, and I had a sudden, unexpected urge to be like, "Really? What was she like?" I was reserved on my application (as far as how much contact I'd agree to up front), and since they matched with me, I know they may be the same, and I probably will not learn much about them. Which I think is fine...I want to know, but but what if we met and we really didn't click, or I said something really stupid? Better to move forward this way.

I have been feeling guilty about accepting money for this. It is no small chunk of change, and it feels...exploitative. Don't get me wrong--I definitely want to cover my expenses (parking in this area is ridonkulous), but this payment is way in excess of that. And I don't need it. I mean, it is no small amount of money and it's not like it wouldn't be felt by me, but I am doing just fine without it now and I'll do just fine without it later. Isn't IF bad enough without having to pay through the nose for it? I see you guys mention the cost of this kind of thing, and a big part of that is me. I am considering asking whether I can waive the fee--don't even know yet if they'll let me, but I want to be sure before I ask. And I really want to hear your thoughts on this.

sammer818 · August 2013

I think that's great that you were matched so quickly! Congrats!

I'm not going to lie - using third party reproduction is EXPENSIVE. As someone using a gestational surrogate, I know that firsthand. If you feel guilty about taking money or don't want the fee, then tell them that. Personally, if I was on the receiving end and the donor told me she didn't want money outside of expenses, I would be so eternally grateful; I'm not sure if there are words to express how I feel. Once we found our surrogate, I couldn't fathom (and still can't) why someone would want to do this for me..and to have someone do it free of charge is just, well, I can't put into words what it would mean to me.

Lacyj67 · August 2013

So I think that's so great what you are doing and the fee is so deserved by you doing such a great thing. Fees depend on so many different situations and levels. You can have a say in the fee I believe. Our donor agreed to a $5,000 fee. And we did a shared cycle with another couple so we had to pay 2,500 to her and I thought that was so reasonable. We also had to pay a 3,000 finders fee to our RE which I thought was a little silly considering she was a paitent and they didnt have to search too far to find her but I think that includes alot of the testing she needs done to be approved to be a donor in the first place.
Don't feel guilty what so ever because you put your body thru alot to produce eggs.
And again thank you so much for doing this kind act! It really is so generous and a selfless act compensation that is given is so deserved.

ArgyleBride · August 2013

I should mention that this is assuming insurance doesn't cover it--I have no problem with the insurance paying, this is after all for a medical procedure. But a donor is OOP, right? Does anybody have insurance that covers a donor?

GetwickMom · August 2013

I think sometimes the donor's insurance covers at least the meds for the ER, but it seems to really depend.

I also agree that while its sweet of you to consider you IPs expense, the reality is that you are providing an incredibly specialized and unique "service" and it's reasonable to expect compensation for that- just like lactation consultants get paid and a lot of other people who help create families.

I won't lie, I would be thrilled if DH and I could be like the rest of our siblings and sneeze and get pregnant- but we're not. There's a lot of things wrong with IF treatment and what is and isn't paid for, but in general I think donor fees are the most reasonable of them all. Now, for my insurance company to tell me that the fact that my husband's body is UNABLE TO PRODUCE SPERM does not constitute a "medical problem" .... Yeah I take issue with that

DoublePortion · August 2013

I agree with PPs that it is very sweet of you to consider not accepting the money but that you are providing a service and should be compensated for it. Not to mention it's a service that has an impact on your body!

If you continue feeling guilt over the money I would suggest using it for a good cause. If you plan on having children (you don't currently have any, right?) you could set up a college fund for them. I like the idea that your helping someone else have children will in turn benefit your future children. Kind of a full circle thing.

happywifemomofone · August 2013

DoublePortion said:

I agree with PPs that it is very sweet of you to consider not accepting the money but that you are providing a service and should be compensated for it. Not to mention it's a service that has an impact on your body!

If you continue feeling guilt over the money I would suggest using it for a good cause. If you plan on having children (you don't currently have any, right?) you could set up a college fund for them. I like the idea that your helping someone else have children will in turn benefit your future children. Kind of a full circle thing.

I think that DoublePortion has a great idea here!!! We were fortunate that our insurance paid for the IVF part of things (we have an IVF insurance mandate in our state), but the donor's fees, agency fees and lawyers was definitely a strain on our finances. We are forever grateful to our donor for the gift that she has provided,

LittleLady77 · August 2013

You deserve every penny. We love our donor who we barley know and I will never regret paying for her time and efforts even if this cycle is unsuccessful. Don't feel guilty.

stinkerbell6879 · August 2013

LittleLady77 said:

You deserve every penny. We love our donor who we barley know and I will never regret paying for her time and efforts even if this cycle is unsuccessful. Don't feel guilty.

Ditto. This is such a wonderful thing that you are doing!

ArgyleBride · August 2013

You are all so sweet. I will let you know what I decide. I really appreciate your perspective.

poohniki · August 2013

I also think it's great that you are doing this. I know my insurance company covers a donor to use one of my IVF cycles. NJ is pretty good with the insurance coverage.

Remember that there are also risks involved for being a donor. Anyone willing to go through this procedure knowing that safety isn't a 100% guarantee deserves every penny.

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