is it rude to ask a family member to watch your baby?

flieswithdragons · August 2013

i am really struggling to try and figure out how i'll make ends meet for this baby. i can't afford a daycare, but i was thinking maybe i could ask a family member if they'd watch the baby and i could pay them 80$ a week and provide the food and everything? daycares around here are so expensive and i don't know how i could afford it. the problem is, is it rude to ask? i have several aunts and great aunts and cousins and everything that i think might be willing but i just don't know how to ask.

codec · August 2013

$80 a week seems really low. I would just drop hints that if they know anyone to watch your baby. I'm sure that kind of will open the conversation.

refletch · August 2013

I don't think its rude at all! I hope to not have to use daycare...thankfully I live right next to my best friend who is a stay at home mom and she's planning to keep mine for me

I'd say that it never hurts to ask! The worst they can say is no

RondackHiker · August 2013

Who would you be asking? Assuming just forty hours a week (no long hours or commute time) that's $2 bucks an hour. That's really, really low.

Would this person have to quit a job? How would he or she live on that wage? And if he or she is retired, perhaps that's what they want to do. Relax, have time to themselves, etc.

Could you find a better job? Look at in home daycares? Apply for assistance? Cut cable?

maganonymous · August 2013

We had issues at the beginning of this summer finding an inexpensive, decent daycare for my stepdaughter. We did end up finding one, but I put out an APB on Facebook stating that we were looking for a new daycare ASAP (we were in a major bind) and asked if anyone knew of anywhere. We didn't have any family members/friends that were always available, but it was amazing how many people offered to help out. Just throw it out there--you'll be surprised at the support/suggestions you will get from people.

Holljade · August 2013

Not rude at all, they're family! Depending on how close you are I doubt they will take your money.

MamaFantastic · August 2013

what's the typical cost of full-time newborn daycare around where you live? $80/wk does seem low when you consider the work that goes into keeping a newborn alive for 5 working days. how old are your great aunts? that's the other potential issue - if you're leaving your baby with someone whose back is bad, or who isn't a very safe driver, or who has a hearing problem, these are all factors to consider when thinking about the ultimate safety of the baby and of the home environment.

i would just start talking early on with your family members about how you're not sure what you'll do, and how you're looking into some inexpensive options since money is tight.

what about doing a care-share situation? maybe a family member can watch the baby 1-2 days a week and you can find part time care in a center or in a home-based situation where another mom is taking kids in? those tend to be less expensive too.

what's your weekly budget?

flieswithdragons · August 2013

well my budget for daycare is $80 because that's literally all that's left. i don't have cable and i decided to stop coloring my hair and going out and i would really like to keep internet and netflix so i have some form of entertainment, and everything else is nessecary like insurance and car and rent and utileties and things like diapers and food for the baby. i'll have to use up my savings to buy things like clothes and baby gear for the baby and i don't think that i will have enough to help pay for daycare too. i'm also hoping that if i ask a family member to watch the baby that i will be able to get back to work sooner then 6 weeks which is the soonest a daycare will take the baby. i don't know if i would qualify for any assistance, i make enough to support myself and i can technically support the baby too. i don't know that i could find another job either, i don't know that anyone would hire a pregnant woman...
i will try to just mention that i'm not sure what to do about childcare casually and see if anybody is willing to, i don't want to seem like rude about it i just am really freaking out about trying to afford this baby because it looks like i'll have to do it all on my own

codec · August 2013

flieswithdragons said:

well my budget for daycare is $80 because that's literally all that's left. i don't have cable and i decided to stop coloring my hair and going out and i would really like to keep internet and netflix so i have some form of entertainment, and everything else is nessecary like insurance and car and rent and utileties and things like diapers and food for the baby. i'll have to use up my savings to buy things like clothes and baby gear for the baby and i don't think that i will have enough to help pay for daycare too. i'm also hoping that if i ask a family member to watch the baby that i will be able to get back to work sooner then 6 weeks which is the soonest a daycare will take the baby. i don't know if i would qualify for any assistance, i make enough to support myself and i can technically support the baby too. i don't know that i could find another job either, i don't know that anyone would hire a pregnant woman...

Try calling the human services department in your county to see if they have low income day care. Most do but they have age limits, maybe get family to watch until you qualify.

Sorry I cant be more help. I hope that everything works out for you.

RondackHiker · August 2013

Find another job and start saving. Even a part time, minimum wage job that you quit when baby comes. It would be illegal to not hire a woman because she is pregnant. You don't even have to tell them.

Just because you can afford only 80 bucks a week doesn't mean someone needs to watch your kid for that. Not even family. It is your job to care for your kid and no one is obligated to help you out, even family, even if you really need it. You'll need to find care you can afford, but you can't expect people to help you out.

As part of that caring for your kid thing, look into assistance. Don't dismiss it. If you can't afford to care for your child you need to look into all options, not dismiss any, especially without research.

How old are you?

jessib10 · August 2013

flieswithdragons said:

well my budget for daycare is $80 because that's literally all that's left. i don't have cable and i decided to stop coloring my hair and going out and i would really like to keep internet and netflix so i have some form of entertainment, and everything else is nessecary like insurance and car and rent and utileties and things like diapers and food for the baby. i'll have to use up my savings to buy things like clothes and baby gear for the baby and i don't think that i will have enough to help pay for daycare too. i'm also hoping that if i ask a family member to watch the baby that i will be able to get back to work sooner then 6 weeks which is the soonest a daycare will take the baby. i don't know if i would qualify for any assistance, i make enough to support myself and i can technically support the baby too. i don't know that i could find another job either, i don't know that anyone would hire a pregnant woman...
i will try to just mention that i'm not sure what to do about childcare casually and see if anybody is willing to, i don't want to seem like rude about it i just am really freaking out about trying to afford this baby because it looks like i'll have to do it all on my own

Have you looked into low income options through your state? You might be surprised at what's available.

flieswithdragons · August 2013

i will look into assistance i guess

i'm 19 but ill be 20 in october

RondackHiker · August 2013

flieswithdragons said:
i will look into assistance i guess

i'm 19 but ill be 20 in october

Not I guess.

Do it tomorrow. WIC is one good option. Also look into Medicare and other forms of help. You qualify for some things now and you can use that to save more.

What about the child's father? Where is he in this?

flieswithdragons · August 2013

he lost his job recently and he's living with his parents. i don't really think he's gonna step up on the whole fatherhood front....

RondackHiker · August 2013

flieswithdragons said:
he lost his job recently and he's living with his parents. i don't really think he's gonna step up on the whole fatherhood front....

He doesn't have a whole lot of choice. His child deserves child support. That's not money for you, that's for your kid. It's to provide for your kid, so you should pursue it. Is he looking for a new job?

I'm sorry you're in a rough bit and going it alone. Single parents board may be helpful. But even in the rough time, you've got to be brave and tough and pick yourself up and figure out how to do this.

Roommates are an option. Can you get even temporary ones?

flieswithdragons · August 2013

well when i told him he was just kind of like 'oh okay'... i think he's looking for a job but his mom is kind of coddling him and doing everything for him, so hey, why should he get off his ass and look for a job if mommy will do everything?
a roommate might help, i only have one bathroom in my appartment so i don't know how that all will work out, i would probably be all for it if there was more than one bathroom but i'm a little wary with sharing that space during pregnancy.... i'd hate to feel like i'm hogging it

Mountain Momma · August 2013

I had a friend who was in a tight spot financially, and asked me to watch her newborn for $20 a day. I was laid off at the time, so I did it for awhile. In my situation, it didn't come close to replacing what I needed for income, but I was doing it in between jobs to help a friend in need. If you have several relatives, maybe you could find a handful of them to share the time needed? I'm sorry, but some of the previous posters are completely out of touch. Jobs are extremely hard to come by, and there are way too many of us scraping by while the cost of living goes up and our wages stay the same or go down. Those of us getting taken advantage of by greedy employers that refuse to pay a living wage have little to no leverage, even more so if you are pregnant. No one helps us and no one cares. Those of you looking down your nose because you think $80 a week is "really low", how dare you, and aren't you fortunate to be in a position of one so obviously not in need. I see this judgment and snobbery throughout so many threads on these forums. It's cruel and completely unhelpful.

codec · August 2013

flieswithdragons said:

well when i told him he was just kind of like 'oh okay'... i think he's looking for a job but his mom is kind of coddling him and doing everything for him, so hey, why should he get off his ass and look for a job if mommy will do everything?
a roommate might help, i only have one bathroom in my appartment so i don't know how that all will work out, i would probably be all for it if there was more than one bathroom but i'm a little wary with sharing that space during pregnancy.... i'd hate to feel like i'm hogging it

Do you think his mom would be willing to watch the baby?

RondackHiker · August 2013

Mountain Momma said:
I had a friend who was in a tight spot financially, and asked me to watch her newborn for $20 a day. I was laid off at the time, so I did it for awhile. In my situation, it didn't come close to replacing what I needed for income, but I was doing it in between jobs to help a friend in need. If you have several relatives, maybe you could find a handful of them to share the time needed? I'm sorry, but some of the previous posters are completely out of touch. Jobs are extremely hard to come by, and there are way too many of us scraping by while the cost of living goes up and our wages stay the same or go down. Those of us getting taken advantage of by greedy employers that refuse to pay a living wage have little to no leverage, even more so if you are pregnant. No one helps us and no one cares. Those of you looking down your nose because you think $80 a week is "really low", how dare you, and aren't you fortunate to be in a position of one so obviously not in need. I see this judgment and snobbery throughout so many threads on these forums. It's cruel and completely unhelpful.

Oh grow up.

Eighty bucks a week is very low for infant care. That's not being mean, it's a fact. I hope she lucks out, but she should be aware that's low up front. It's better to know up front you'll struggle to find child care at that price than to mislead her.

Has all the rest of my advice been mean as well? I gave her multiple ways to help her out.

You're not the only one struggling in this economy. Maybe that's why several people have been able to give advice. I am aware jobs are in short supply, which is why she should try now to find even a temporary part time job that would help her save. If not now, perhaps she'll get something at the holidays.

No one was mean to her. People were factual.

flieswithdragons · August 2013

she probably would but i would rather ask my family members first. she's a heavy smoker and i wouldn't want the baby around that unless it was my last option....

flieswithdragons · August 2013

rhonda your information has been really helpful thanks so much and everyone has really been pretty helpful so thank you

RondackHiker · August 2013

flieswithdragons said:
well when i told him he was just kind of like 'oh okay'... i think he's looking for a job but his mom is kind of coddling him and doing everything for him, so hey, why should he get off his ass and look for a job if mommy will do everything?
a roommate might help, i only have one bathroom in my appartment so i don't know how that all will work out, i would probably be all for it if there was more than one bathroom but i'm a little wary with sharing that space during pregnancy.... i'd hate to feel like i'm hogging it

If the roommate knows up front there's one bathroom, it's not a bad option.

And even if he's living at home and broke, you could still pursue child support. In order to qualify for aid you may have to, even if he can't pay for awhile.

You can't make him grow up, but you can do your part to hold him accountable by looking into when you file for child support in your state.

I'd send him a text and ask if he can help with medical expenses or baby supplies. Keep records of everything he says, just in case you need proof he has or hasn't helped in court later on.

codec · August 2013

flieswithdragons said:

she probably would but i would rather ask my family members first. she's a heavy smoker and i wouldn't want the baby around that unless it was my last option....

Ohhh, I totally understand, I would not want my newborn around smoke. I would talk to her and drop the hint that you need help. If she is used to cleaning up his messes, she might step up and help you with some money instead of forcing him to do it himself.

Let me know if you need help locating resources, I used to work in social services and can probably find you exact numbers to call.

RondackHiker · August 2013

flieswithdragons said:
she probably would but i would rather ask my family members first. she's a heavy smoker and i wouldn't want the baby around that unless it was my last option....

Even if she doesn't smoke around baby, that's not a good option. Check out third hand smoke. It could really risk your LOs health.

I missed who this was... If your child's father is still out of work, could he watch the baby while you work?

flieswithdragons · August 2013

i don't know if he even could. i'm sure he'd forget to change diapers or feed the baby and i'd come home to an unhappy baby... i'd rather have his mother than him honestly even though he doesn't smoke.
i hate saying this because i really do love this baby and want him or her but i was really stupid to get pregnant with him. he is just not fit to be a father at all and i know i'm not very fit to be a mother either but i'm really trying and i don't think he will try at all and it makes me upset

RondackHiker · August 2013

flieswithdragons said:
i don't know if he even could. i'm sure he'd forget to change diapers or feed the baby and i'd come home to an unhappy baby... i'd rather have his mother than him honestly even though he doesn't smoke.
i hate saying this because i really do love this baby and want him or her but i was really stupid to get pregnant with him. he is just not fit to be a father at all and i know i'm not very fit to be a mother either but i'm really trying and i don't think he will try at all and it makes me upset

I hope he grows up. He will get some custody, and it might occur to him that if he pushes to do the child care he'd owe less CS.

I bet the single moms on the Single Parents board have advice.

ASmallWonder · August 2013

GhostMonkey said:

car seat said:

You said yourself that when you were earning $100/week it wasn't enough to live on, so $80/week is probably not a great full time job option for people who need to work to live, and that will make it hard to find someone to do it. That's all that people are saying.

But you guys are comparing daycare with family. Those aren't really comparable.

Most people I know that their family watches their kid does it for nothing as long as diapers are provided, and sometimes food. They are a SAHW or retired anyway and won't take the money. If I had to hire a sitter to watch j while I worked out it would cost me a ton. While DH was gone for a couple weeks MIL came over 4 times a week to watch him and got pissed when she realized I gave her $80 for gas money because it was too much. Hiring a sitter would have cost way more than that.

You guys are comparing apples an oranges. Obviously you don't ask someone to quit a full time job for this, and it's asinine that someone even thought that was the situation.

OP- you can get child support and still get an order for him to cover half of daycare costs on top of that.

I agree with you to a degree and without knowing the situations of the people she's considering, it's hard to comment. It seems likely anyone she asks would fall into one of two categories. The first being someone who is out of work but does need to work. They might be ok doing this for a while but if they need a regular good paying job, their availability could change fast if that job they needs comes up. The second situation would probably be someone who chooses not to work. Sure, some people who are retired might be happy to help but a lot of people who don't work by choice aren't going to want to take care of an infant full time. Hell, doing that is harder than my paying job. But like you originally said - it's fine to ask but not ok to be upset if no one is willing.

RondackHiker · August 2013

@GhostMonkey I agree that comparing a sitter to family can be very different, but 80 dollars a week is still pretty low. I assumed that either it was someone out of work who needed to work and would eventually return, or someone who was retired, and that they may not want to or be able to provide care. I know even when I stayed at home, I wouldn't have wanted to have my schedule restricted to an infant's for only 80 dollars a week. I think it varies... some family is great and is happy to work for that amount. Some family isn't able to work for that. Some is able to, but doesn't want to or isn't capable of it. Of course it doesn't hurt to ask, and often family is a lot cheaper, but $80 bucks a weeks is less than half of what I pay weekly for my toddler. To me, it's not bad to warn her she might struggle to find someone for that amount.

And I don't think it's asinie to assume she might ask someone to quit a job to care for her infant. In the time I've been or lurked on the bump I've seen many people who assumed their Mom or MIL was quitting their job to care for the baby.

RondackHiker · August 2013

GhostMonkey said:
@RondackHiker that's true. I don't know why I spaced the number of "OMG why didn't my MIL quit her job to watch my baby?!?!?" posts over the years.

Because you try to block out the entitled jerks?

In any case I feel sorry for the OP and hope she finds a great solution.

KariB509 · August 2013

I don't think it's rude. Asking never heard anything. $80 might be a little low but I'm sure you could negotiate a price that would work. GL.

Amvs77 · August 2013

In my opinion, no, it's not rude at all. I come from a huge family and I know with absolute certainty that any one of them would care for my baby at any time, without pay. I have a very close knit family, so we're always all willing to help each other out. I would say that you should talk to a family member that you're very close to and can rely on and ask them their advice and possibly even if they are willing to help.

rowanthefrog · August 2013

I'd definitely apply for assistance. If you don't think the father will step up then you need to take him to court to make sure he pays child support.

As far as your original question, no it's not rude to ask at all, but its possible no one will take you up on it so I would work on having some back up plans in place.

Shopping at consignment sales/garage sales are a great way to get baby gear for cheap.

Good luck.

A

RebeccaY1 · August 2013

I would look into low income options for day care as there are usually a lot of different options. Sometimes you can get totally free day care depending upon where you live.

I don't really know your family so I can't say whether or not they would consider it rude to ask. If I lived closer to my family I would probably ask. If you have a great relationship with them, most family members would be only too willing to help.

Craftymom13 · August 2013

Depends what kind of family you have. In my family it was assumed that if I went back to school or work, that my mom would watch my son. She doesn't work and she loves spending the time with her grandchild. I never had to pay, if I offered to pay her, she wouldn't accept it. It would be the same with my in-laws if they lived closer.

Then you have those families that expect to get paid, maybe the same as a regular babysitter, or maybe just a little (to help out). It all depends. Just bring it up to your family and see how they feel about it, and go from there.

luvmybundle · August 2013

i agree with applying for assistance. Everyone needs a little help every now and then to get themselves on their feet. but Dad needs to step it up and become responsible. I would also see about staying with relatives so that you can save up some money if possible. i have a friend who is out of work and is babysitting for cheap. some income for her is better than none so your budget might work with the right person.

calimama2007 · August 2013

I don't think that's rude to ask, and you never know if someone might be interested!

rjeller32 · August 2013

I don't know if it's all states, but where I live, we were able to apply for daycare assistance. They covered 450 of 575 monthly when I was in school working two jobs with DH working 1 job. It isn't something I can say I am proud of, but we could not have done it without that help, and I am glad to have had the option available. Check with H&W, they can be very helpful!

J&NL · August 2013

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned but you could also apply for the early learning coalition. They're income based and if the funds are available, they cover a majority of the cost for daycare.

Also, food stamps and wic help a lot.

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