Adoption on the Brain- Reality vs Myths?

LO95 · July 2013

Hey everyone,

Adoption has really been on my mind and in my heart as a "down the line" idea. It terrifies me to death though. I know two people who have gone through the process and they're both very financially secure. (doctor, lawyer) Aside from the fact that they have financial resources that DH and I don't have, I wonder, "Who would pick us when they could pick a -insert lucrative job here- for their child?" There are just too many profiles online. I don't know how we would ever stand out.

I've also been thinking about foster-to-adopt but that terrifies me in a totally different way. One, that we would be unable to meet the needs of the child. (There is just so much trauma for so many of them), two, that we would want to adopt and they would go back home, and 3) that we would miss out on the experience of raising a younger child.

Where do you even start when you're thinking about these things? How hard is it to do a domestic adoption? (Wait, cost, risk) What about foster-to-adopt?

Thanks for any stories.

LO95 · July 2013

I am reading that right now, actually! It has made me cry several times. I so relate to what she says.

Dr.Loretta · July 2013

Hi and welcome.

People can be plumbers, teachers, or -insert job title here- and still be financially secure enough to adopt a child. We are neither doctors or lawyers and did just fine.

Every profile stands out for a different reason. DD's birthmom chose us because DH had a funny hat on his head in one picture. She liked that he liked to have fun. We saw samples of profiles at our agency, and believe me, they weren't all fabulous, glossy profiles. Each family was chosen for one reason or another.

Foster-adopt has its own set of risks (as does just about everything in life), but there is training before you become a foster parent, you can choose to pursue it (or not) as you go along, and there are children legally free for adoption (parental rights have been terminated).

When thinking about these things, I recommend reading books (there are overview books like Adoption for Dummies), attending seminars or webinars (resolve.org has one, a lot of adoption agencies have them and they don't require any commitment), checking out websites (Adoptive Families magazine has a lot of online resources), and talking to people about their experiences (we're happy to help!).

How hard it is to do a domestic adoption can really vary. Wait times can be anywhere from days to years. Cost can be anywhere from low thousands to tens of thousands. Risk can be high or low. It depends on a lot of factors. I suggest doing the research suggested above about ways you can do domestic adoption and if any of those sound like they would work for your family.

There is no right or wrong answer. It's what works for you. FWIW, we did domestic infant adoption for DD, and are considering foster-adopt in the near future, depending on how the next year or so go.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

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MrsWallick · July 2013

All great suggestions! Most agencies have orientations or training seminars for little to no cost, attend them all and that will help you decide which path is right for you, as well as which agency you vibe with. I worked in the adoption unit of foster care for several years and I have been a foster parent myself. I have my fair share of horror stories of course, but I have A LOT of really amazing success stories also. It all depends on what is best for you and your family.

LO95 · July 2013

Thanks for the advice.

Another thought that I have is this- and it's definitely a personal opinion question, but-

Do you throw your financial resources into IVF or sock it all away in case you want to do DIA? I know that's a loaded question because it's a personal choice, but our insurance doesn't cover ANY infertility, adoption, etc. I feel like we're going to end up getting one shot at one or the other and then risk going into debt to have kids. I think that's why I'm trying to find out about foster-adopting because it's the only avenue I can see at this point that won't bankrupt us/land us with credit card debt.

The only person I know who has ever done foster-adopting had a very scary experience and without going into details, I can say that it did really kind of shock me. Reading Nia Vardalos's story makes it sound like such a better process. But I just wish I could find stories that are somewhere in between because I would be willing to bet that most of these kids fall somewhere in between in terms of what they're dealing with. Maybe not roses but maybe not some scary Lifetime movie either, you know?

LO95 · July 2013

fredalina said:

Thanks for the advice.

Another thought that I have is this- and it's definitely a personal opinion question, but-

Do you throw your financial resources into IVF or sock it all away in case you want to do DIA? I know that's a loaded question because it's a personal choice, but our insurance doesn't cover ANY infertility, adoption, etc. I feel like we're going to end up getting one shot at one or the other and then risk going into debt to have kids. I think that's why I'm trying to find out about foster-adopting because it's the only avenue I can see at this point that won't bankrupt us/land us with credit card debt.

The only person I know who has ever done foster-adopting had a very scary experience and without going into details, I can say that it did really kind of shock me. Reading Nia Vardalos's story makes it sound like such a better process. But I just wish I could find stories that are somewhere in between because I would be willing to bet that most of these kids fall somewhere in between in terms of what they're dealing with. Maybe not roses but maybe not some scary Lifetime movie either, you know?
We were faced with this very decision. Our choice was adoption. Others choose IVF. Either is fine.

So what avenue did you pursue and how long was your process? If you don't mind me asking.

Dr.Loretta · July 2013

We chose adoption instead of fertility treatments. For a host of reasons, but our odds of being parents were far greater with adoption. From start to finish was around 10 months

[Deleted User] · July 2013

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besteck1 · July 2013

Hi, maybe I can give you all some perspective. I am older (48) and single and a little over 4 years ago decided to try to adopt through foster care. Classes, home study, etc at no cost through the county (in Ohio) no problem and quickly done. Was licensed in late May of 09 and got a call in mid June for an emergency placement of a 13 month old little girl. She had been neglected more than abused and came from a family with a huge drug history and she had been born addicted. She was on the level of a 5 month old. I accepted her placement (she was delivered to me in less than an hour) and got to work right away getting her into lots of therapy. (for the record, these kids are typically covered by Medicaid and all expenses are picked up.) She progressed so fast it was amazing. Parents rights were terminated in Dec 09, and I finalized her in Jan 10. Today she is a typical 5 year old.

In April my license was renewed and I decided it was time to go back on the list again. I specified a fairly healthy white girl 18 to 36 months. In late May I got a call for a healthy white drug free girl who was a NEWBORN. I about fell over but said yes. I had about 18 hours until this beautiful baby girl was dropped off right from the hospital. It has been interesting and fun to be on this journey for the last 9 weeks. Her case is still very new, and of course there is always a chance she could go home but 9 weeks in that is already looking not likely. her mom is incarcerated until late 2015 and Dad seems unstable. At this point I am very optimistic her placement will work out fine and I will adopt her also.

I know there are horror stories and everyone has told me I can not get lucky twice but there is a huge segment of kids under the age of 1needing placement that will not go home. My worker had called on the baby all day before calling me late that afternoon and no one wanted her I guess you roll the dice with drug use and abuse but for my older daughter no issues.

I built/am building my family through foster care and for me an incredibly great choice. Hope this helps.

LO95 · July 2013

@ besteck1 Thanks so much for sharing! Nia Vardalos wrote in "Instant Mom" that at one point she was crying all of the time about everything and reading what you wrote made me misty.

We are in Ohio too and it's so good to hear about a specific situation within our state- and one that worked out so well! When you worked with the county, what was your experience in terms of communication, visits, etc? I've been wondering if it's okay to go through the agency or if you're supposed to get a private agency ---some people recommend it, but I don't know if that's because they want to try to adopt out of state?!

IRR · August 2013

jalara48 said:

Could someone please explain how my post on this thread got flagged as spam? Not cool!

Who is that person who flagged you? Looks like they joined within the past week or so. Hopefully not an adoption hater. We will keep on eye on that and report if needed.

sarahtoledo · August 2013

I sometimes hit the wrong button, but I don't think it was me!

MayDayGirl · August 2013

We have done Ivf twice (and got pg) and adoption twice. We only did Ivf the first time doing a shared risk program so we could get money back to put toward adoption if it failed. We couldn't afford to do both, so that was the only way we would consider it.

This last time we did Ivf knowing we could afford to adopt if it failed. (And Still plan to adopt again in future). It's a tough decision, but one really only you can make.

kva11isho · August 2013

I read the book Adoption: Choosing it. Living it. Loving it., by Dr. Ray Guarendi when we were early in our process. He has adopted 10 children in every way I can think of, and he answers adoption related questions across the board in his book. It's scary, but once you start sifting through what's right for you, it becomes exciting!

Good luck!

Adoption on the Brain- Reality vs Myths?

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