Update: I have to vent/lingerie shower

Meery82 · July 2013

I got a FB message from BTB's mom yesterday saying they will be holding a "surprise" lingerie shower for her at 11:30 am on Saturday (wedding is on Sunday). The theme is "Pretty in Pink" so everyone has to dress in pink. She also attached a VS wish list. (At least it wasn't Agent Provocateur this time!) I highly doubt I will make it because I am working Friday and not leaving until Saturday morning. Do I still need to bring a shower gift since I won't be at the shower? I'm also pretty irritated that they are hogging up the entire weekend with wedding stuff. Shower at 11:30, rehearsal at 2pm, rehearsal dinner later that night. And did I mention this is Labor Day weekend? Am I just being a bitchy bridesmaid or are they being a bit ridiculous?

BlondieBia21 · July 2013

If you're having to travel, they may think they are being "convenient" to those traveling by having everything in that weekend.. Is this her only shower or did she have a separate bridal shower?

SingleMom31 · July 2013

BlondieBia21 said:
If you're having to travel, they may think they are being "convenient" to those traveling by having everything in that weekend.. Is this her only shower or did she have a separate bridal shower?

This is my thought. Personally, I'd rather travel and have two solid days of activities than make multiple trips and several weekends doing wedding stuff.

I put most wedding activities in the same category as gender reveals - I'm happy for you, but nobody is as excited as the bride to be. Unfortunately, it seems like the trend these days is a zillion events revolving around the bride. After a while, I kind of want to say enough.

librarianlady · July 2013

I agree that it might be to make it more convenient for those traveling, although if this is a second shower, it's definitely too much. As far as I know, if you won't be attending the lingerie shower (darn, too bad you can't make it!) then you don't need to provide a present.

cinderin · July 2013

VENT - maybe it is just me - but I am so tired of "wedding weekends" or "wedding weeks". My cousins do it and I know why they do it - because people are traveling so it is an excuse to have everyone in town for a week of get togethers and events. but seriously? It is a wedding. Let's just do the rehearsal dinner the night before and the wedding. We don't need tons of other activities. A shower a few months or weeks before is totally fine, but I don't need a week packed with crap. it makes the couple seem like they are self-obsessed.

Meery82 · July 2013

If you're having to travel, they may think they are being "convenient" to those traveling by having everything in that weekend.. Is this her only shower or did she have a separate bridal shower?

I'm almost positive there has been/will be another shower. I actually haven't heard anything yet about an original one. But I'm not quite sure how it's all going to work because every single one of her bridesmaids live in a different state than her. I'm guessing this is an opportunity for the bridesmaids to shower her with gifts. That seems to be how it has been worded. (Lucky us!) >:P

EastCoastBride · July 2013

No, you don't need to give a gift.

But as far as the 'one day' argument goes.... if you're IN the wedding, actually, usually it IS an all weekend "event". Every wedding either DH or I have been involved in, this is how it is - even for the most non "it's all about me" people. it's just how it all comes to play.

As a guest - it's up to you. if you're invited to a shower, or the RD (which as a traveling guest, I LOVE being invited to the RD) - you can actually decline.

I've been to one wedding where everyone had to travel and they had a TON of events planned - but it was very clear that every one of them was optional. they just wanted to give their guests, who didn't know the area, something to do if they didn't know what to do.

I personally have always been appreciative when a couple (or their family) have made a point to make the guests feel welcomed and included at more than JUST the wedding.

JilllyBean · July 2013

I don't think it's unreasonable at all, sorry! If you can't go, you can't go. It sounds like they are being accommodating by doing it when all the bridesmaids are there since they live all over and not making them come into town for a bachelorette party. Any wedding I am in, and some I am not, I attend a bachelorette party for, which is typically on a whole different weekend. Thy are asking you do come by for a hour or so with a pair of underwear for the bride while you will already be in town. Not that big of a deal. Sorry.

rbtrumpet · July 2013

the lingerie shower seems a bit much to me (unless it's her only shower), and if I wasn't going, I would not bring a gift.

Although I personally like "wedding weekends." We did a lot of events because we had a lot of people coming from out of town, and wanted to spend time specifically with our out-of-town guests. We didn't think it was fair if someone flew across the country (most from LA or MI to DC) and got to spend 30 seconds with us at the reception. I hope it didn't come across as "look at us" because the intention was "we're really happy you made the huge sacrifice to come see us and want to spend time with you" - esp since anyone who is willing to buy a plane ticket to come to a wedding is a pretty good friend, in my opinion!

Then again, our events were more like Women's brunch (bridesmaids, moms, close out-of-town female friends) which I paid for, and after-party after the rehearsal dinner at Dave and Busters where we bought the first drink, and a $5 game card for everyone. We didn't want the events to be a financial burden to our guests, we just wanted to enjoy time with them.

And, of course, we would not have been offended at all if someone could not (did not want to) make it!

EastCoastBride · July 2013

rbtrumpet said:

We did a lot of events because we had a lot of people coming from out of town, and wanted to spend time specifically with our out-of-town guests. We didn't think it was fair if someone flew across the country (most from LA or MI to DC) and got to spend 30 seconds with us at the reception. I hope it didn't come across as "look at us" because the intention was "we're really happy you made the huge sacrifice to come see us and want to spend time with you" - esp since anyone who is willing to buy a plane ticket to come to a wedding is a pretty good friend, in my opinion!

This is how I've always taken it! And why I always wonder why people are SOOO against inviting OOT guest to the RD. If budget doesn't allow, it doesn't allow. But beyond that? As people are traveling to see you, it WOULD be nice to try and spend more time w/ them than JUST at the wedding itself. Where, realistically, you get no time w/ anyone!

As long as everything is optional, I don't see the problem at all.

MMason12 · July 2013

I personally don't see a problem with the weekend thing... specially because you are in the wedding.

We got married a year ago and had what I would consider a weekend of activities planned because 95% of our family lives out of town and we really are a family that celebrates things together. After our rehearsal on Friday evening we had a BBQ rehearsal dinner at our house, in which all family was invited to and all those who were already in town for the wedding attended. It was a great chance for our families to really get to know each other and everyone loved it. The wedding was on Saturday. And then on Sunday morning, my Mom hosted a brunch at her house and all family was invited to that so they could have a nice breakfast together before they all left for home. We never expected them to attend and made it clear they were more than welcome if they wanted to come. It worked out perfectly for our families, but that's how we like to do things. We all rarely see each other, so when we do we normally spend as much time together as possible. Also, we really didn't view our wedding as an event all about us -- we thought of our wedding as a time when our two families could come together celebrating our love and marriage with us.

As for the shower -- if you aren't going to be there then you do not need to have a gift. Oh, and since this is a "surprise" shower it sounds as though the Bride has no clue it is happening. I would have been furious if someone planned a surprise shower on the weekend of my wedding. That is 100% not the time to be having a shower! People are already spending money to attend the wedding, more than likely giving a wedding gift, and then to ask they attend a shower as well. Rude!!! I'm not sure what type of person the Bride is, but will she be okay with this or upset it is happening?

Edited: to add more.

EastCoastBride · July 2013

YellowWallpaper12 said:

Also, I think telling guests they have to dress according to a certain theme for a shower is a little strange.

I was a BM for a friend. One of the other BMs had the "brilliant" idea to ask the guests to all dress in pink. I was like "why?". It really made NO sense. Yeah- she's a woman, but past that??? Not getting it. AND she never wore pink herself. So made even less sense.

I shot the idea down. I was like "no- we're not telling grown woman to wear a certain color" - and a color that I KNEW some of our friends actually never, ever wore. Including myself.

MMason12 · July 2013

EastCoastBride said:

YellowWallpaper12 said:

Also, I think telling guests they have to dress according to a certain theme for a shower is a little strange.

I was a BM for a friend. One of the other BMs had the "brilliant" idea to ask the guests to all dress in pink. I was like "why?". It really made NO sense. Yeah- she's a woman, but past that??? Not getting it. AND she never wore pink herself. So made even less sense.

I shot the idea down. I was like "no- we're not telling grown woman to wear a certain color" - and a color that I KNEW some of our friends actually never, ever wore. Including myself.

I swear some women totally lose their brains when they go to get married. Who in the heck would ever think it's a good idea to tell everyone to wear pink to their wedding?!?

Sam Buttons · July 2013

I don't see the problem here. You're in the wedding party, thus you're expected to attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, so it sounds like there is only one extra event you're asked to attend. Doesn't sound like a big deal. As a bridesmaid, I've always been a part of the shower planning (and paying my portion of the bill) so just having to get a gift for the shower seems like an easy one to me. Did this friend attend your shower?

BakerMommy · July 2013

Sam Buttons said:
I don't see the problem here. You're in the wedding party, thus you're expected to attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, so it sounds like there is only one extra event you're asked to attend. Doesn't sound like a big deal. As a bridesmaid, I've always been a part of the shower planning (and paying my portion of the bill) so just having to get a gift for the shower seems like an easy one to me. Did this friend attend your shower?

I think the problem was that this bride asked for a lingerie shower with only expensive lingerie. Showers are gifts, not fulfillments of an obligation.

Sam Buttons · July 2013

BakerMommy said:

Sam Buttons said:
I don't see the problem here. You're in the wedding party, thus you're expected to attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, so it sounds like there is only one extra event you're asked to attend. Doesn't sound like a big deal. As a bridesmaid, I've always been a part of the shower planning (and paying my portion of the bill) so just having to get a gift for the shower seems like an easy one to me. Did this friend attend your shower?
I think the problem was that this bride asked for a lingerie shower with only expensive lingerie. Showers are gifts, not fulfillments of an obligation.

I may have read it wrong, but I thought it was now a Victoria Secrets wish list. I find VS to be the reasonable go-to for lingerie. Not that a lingerie wish list isn't annoying and a little extreme.

Sam Buttons · July 2013

BakerMommy said:

Sam Buttons said:
I don't see the problem here. You're in the wedding party, thus you're expected to attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, so it sounds like there is only one extra event you're asked to attend. Doesn't sound like a big deal. As a bridesmaid, I've always been a part of the shower planning (and paying my portion of the bill) so just having to get a gift for the shower seems like an easy one to me. Did this friend attend your shower?
I think the problem was that this bride asked for a lingerie shower with only expensive lingerie. Showers are gifts, not fulfillments of an obligation.

I may have read it wrong, but I thought it was now a Victoria Secrets wish list. I find VS to be the reasonable go-to for lingerie. Not that a lingerie wish list isn't annoying and a little extreme.

BakerMommy · July 2013

I may be thinking of the wrong person, but if it's the same OP, the bride insisted on the shower with only Agent Provocateur lingerie, but now her mom has taken over and changed the brand to VS. Again, I could be wrong

Meery82 · July 2013

BakerMommy said:

I may be thinking of the wrong person, but if it's the same OP, the bride insisted on the shower with only Agent Provocateur lingerie, but now her mom has taken over and changed the brand to VS. Again, I could be wrong

You are right. I'm not sure why they are calling it a surprise. From what it sounds like, she asked for the shower.

Meery82 · July 2013

Sam Buttons said:

I don't see the problem here. You're in the wedding party, thus you're expected to attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, so it sounds like there is only one extra event you're asked to attend. Doesn't sound like a big deal. As a bridesmaid, I've always been a part of the shower planning (and paying my portion of the bill) so just having to get a gift for the shower seems like an easy one to me. Did this friend attend your shower?

No, she didn't. She did attend my baby shower. But I believe she was already coming to visit. She is originally from where I live and has family here.

Meery82 · July 2013

I originally got a text from one of the bridesmaids saying that the BTB's mom messages her and said BTB was "upset" because she wanted a lingerie shower. She's the one who put upset in quotes. Not sure what that's supposed to mean. Then we get the group text from her sister saying that the bride says she has enough VS and wants Agent Provocateur. Her mom made the VS wish list, probably after everyone said they couldn't afford AP.

Disneygeek77 · July 2013

Thanks for the updates. I would just bow out all together and not get her any lingerie and just focus on a wedding gift.

Hopefully with time and maturity, the bride will realize how ridiculous she is being by insisting on an expensive lingerie party.

MMason12 · August 2013

Meery82 said:

I originally got a text from one of the bridesmaids saying that the BTB's mom messages her and said BTB was "upset" because she wanted a lingerie shower. She's the one who put upset in quotes. Not sure what that's supposed to mean. Then we get the group text from her sister saying that the bride says she has enough VS and wants Agent Provocateur. Her mom made the VS wish list, probably after everyone said they couldn't afford AP.

HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!! Did she really expect people to spend that much money on a pair of $#@%^ underwear or lingerie. Those prices are INSANE!

EastCoastBride · August 2013

Disneygeek77 said:

Thanks for the updates. I would just bow out all together and not get her any lingerie and just focus on a wedding gift.
Hopefully with time and maturity, the bride will realize how ridiculous she is being by insisting on an expensive lingerie party.

Yup! I just went and looked. Bras start at $130 and I only saw ONE at that price. Most are $170 and up.

Plus, I think the OP said that the bride had a regular shower already. At some point you have to stop hitting up your friends for $$. ESPECIALLY for stuff that is SOOOO expensive. The bride sounds kind of bratty to me, to be blunt. an AP lingerie party where ONE piece of lingerie costs over $100 (and I just looked at their "knicker" prices too - a couple items are 2 digits. But most are over $100 if not $200. For a THONG.)?

OP - again, don't go and don't get her anything. AND don't feel guilty. She's being rude.

MMason12 · August 2013

EastCoastBride said:

Disneygeek77 said:

Thanks for the updates. I would just bow out all together and not get her any lingerie and just focus on a wedding gift.
Hopefully with time and maturity, the bride will realize how ridiculous she is being by insisting on an expensive lingerie party.

Yup! I just went and looked. Bras start at $130 and I only saw ONE at that price. Most are $170 and up.

Plus, I think the OP said that the bride had a regular shower already. At some point you have to stop hitting up your friends for $$. ESPECIALLY for stuff that is SOOOO expensive. The bride sounds kind of bratty to me, to be blunt. an AP lingerie party where ONE piece of lingerie costs over $100 (and I just looked at their "knicker" prices too - a couple items are 2 digits. But most are over $100 if not $200. For a THONG.)?

OP - again, don't go and don't get her anything. AND don't feel guilty. She's being rude.

I looked yesterday and the corsets START at $600!!!! OMG!

Meery82 · August 2013

I know! I saw some piece of crap that was like $950! It looked like a jumble of ribbon! I could make it for about $3! LOL

neverblushed · August 2013

EastCoastBride said:

YellowWallpaper12 said:

Also, I think telling guests they have to dress according to a certain theme for a shower is a little strange.

I was a BM for a friend. One of the other BMs had the "brilliant" idea to ask the guests to all dress in pink. I was like "why?". It really made NO sense. Yeah- she's a woman, but past that??? Not getting it. AND she never wore pink herself. So made even less sense.

I shot the idea down. I was like "no- we're not telling grown woman to wear a certain color" - and a color that I KNEW some of our friends actually never, ever wore. Including myself.

;-) I was thinking about this!

RibbitGrl930 · August 2013

MMason12 said:

EastCoastBride said:

Disneygeek77 said:

Thanks for the updates. I would just bow out all together and not get her any lingerie and just focus on a wedding gift.
Hopefully with time and maturity, the bride will realize how ridiculous she is being by insisting on an expensive lingerie party.

Yup! I just went and looked. Bras start at $130 and I only saw ONE at that price. Most are $170 and up.

Plus, I think the OP said that the bride had a regular shower already. At some point you have to stop hitting up your friends for $$. ESPECIALLY for stuff that is SOOOO expensive. The bride sounds kind of bratty to me, to be blunt. an AP lingerie party where ONE piece of lingerie costs over $100 (and I just looked at their "knicker" prices too - a couple items are 2 digits. But most are over $100 if not $200. For a THONG.)?

OP - again, don't go and don't get her anything. AND don't feel guilty. She's being rude.

I looked yesterday and the corsets START at $600!!!! OMG!

nicholssquared · August 2013

RibbitGrl930 said:

MMason12 said:

EastCoastBride said:

Disneygeek77 said:

Thanks for the updates. I would just bow out all together and not get her any lingerie and just focus on a wedding gift.
Hopefully with time and maturity, the bride will realize how ridiculous she is being by insisting on an expensive lingerie party.

Yup! I just went and looked. Bras start at $130 and I only saw ONE at that price. Most are $170 and up.

Plus, I think the OP said that the bride had a regular shower already. At some point you have to stop hitting up your friends for $$. ESPECIALLY for stuff that is SOOOO expensive. The bride sounds kind of bratty to me, to be blunt. an AP lingerie party where ONE piece of lingerie costs over $100 (and I just looked at their "knicker" prices too - a couple items are 2 digits. But most are over $100 if not $200. For a THONG.)?

OP - again, don't go and don't get her anything. AND don't feel guilty. She's being rude.

I looked yesterday and the corsets START at $600!!!! OMG!

And you're just going to take it off. That's $600 for the thrill of throwing something on the floor.

I want to cut myself.

EastCoastBride · August 2013

nicholssquared said:

And you're just going to take it off. That's $600 for the thrill of throwing something on the floor.

I want to cut myself.

LOL. Plus, I'm wondering "how much lingerie does ONE person need?". She supposedly has "everything" from VS. How much more does she need??

And the fact that she now wants to hit up her friends to fork out the $$ for obnoxiously priced pieces of fabric - I HOPE that this is "wedding gone to her head" and not indicative of what she's normally like.

Meery82 · August 2013

EastCoastBride said:

nicholssquared said:

And you're just going to take it off. That's $600 for the thrill of throwing something on the floor.

I want to cut myself.

LOL. Plus, I'm wondering "how much lingerie does ONE person need?". She supposedly has "everything" from VS. How much more does she need??

And the fact that she now wants to hit up her friends to fork out the $$ for obnoxiously priced pieces of fabric - I HOPE that this is "wedding gone to her head" and not indicative of what she's normally like.

She's a good person (or else I wouldn't be friends with her), but she has highly expensive taste and has as long as I've known her. She buys Christian Louboutin shoes! I love them, too, they are beyond gorgeous, but I would never buy them. They are about $1000 a pair! I know it's not my place to judge what she spends her money on, but she shouldn't expect us to provide her with gifts of equal expense. I guess at least she works and doesn't have kids yet and can buy that stuff if she wants.

Stina2012 · August 2013

Lame. If anything I would have wanted a bridesmaids brunch to treat any bridesmaids to a meal.

I say bow out of the shower. And send/bring a set of fun (but cheaper) underwear to give to her.

EastCoastBride · August 2013

Meery82 said: I know it's not my place to judge what she spends her money on, but she shouldn't expect us to provide her with gifts of equal expense.

This is basically what it boils down to! Her money - she can spend however she wants. Your money? Um, no. Not so much.

Sounds like she needs a little reality check on this fact. Her getting married doesn't now mean all her friends have to buy obnoxiously priced underwear.

Update: I have to vent/lingerie shower

Re: Update: I have to vent/lingerie shower

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