Pressure from family to have repeat C-section

blondie10m · August 2013

I'm currently 18 w 3d (tickers got messed up). For my first birth, I was barely dilated at 40w when my water broke, had to be induced after not going into labor on my own, got to 8 cm and stopped dilating (40 h of labor, baby was never in distress). The baby's head never dropped (he does have a big head and I have a small pelvis), I could feel where he was stuck because the two epidurals I had both wore off immediately there and he came out with a lump there on his head. Had to be anesthetized for the c-section due to epidurals not working at 2 am so I missed the whole birth and then was exhausted already for the first few days of DS's life as well as recovering from a C/S. I get really upset whenever I think about his birth that I missed it and I was a huge failure even though he turned out super healthy.

Now I'm PG again and can't imagine caring for a toddler and a newborn while recovering from a C/S. DS (will be 2y 9m) is pretty crazy and requires a lot of chasing/lifting. If I'm not dilated at all and baby's head is measuring big again, I am all for a scheduled C/S at 40w, I don't want to go through what I went through all over again and end up with another C/S. The doctor said I can try for a VBAC, but I think would only do so if I'm significantly dilated/baby is lower/seems to have a smaller head.

DH says he doesn't want to go through labor all over again (he found it tiring being up and listening to me screaming) and potentially end up with a C/S again and I'm being selfish. He also reasons we don't have close family (4 h away) so it would be easier on his parents to have everything scheduled so they know exactly when they need to be here in advance to take care of DS. My mom (who had two scheduled C/S due to previous surgeries) is very opinionated and keeps telling me I shouldn't even try to have a baby vaginally (even for my 1st) and was basically like, told you so, after his birth. And will give me hell if I try for a VBAC.

Did you make the decision for yourself (or just with your doctor) on what type of birth do have or did your DH also get a say, since he is the parent as well. Are you at peace with that decision? Everyone keeps asking me if I'm going to have another C/S and I just say I don't know yet.

mysticl · August 2013

I just want to start out with You Are Not a Failure. Things didn't work out the way you wanted but it's not your fault.

Honestly, it sounds like your H is being the selfish one. It would be one thing if he was concerned that you might die during a VBAC but not wanting to miss out on a night's sleep? I am a firm believer that a c-section should not be done because it is more convenient for people, especially when those people are not the mother.

My son was born via c-section. I want another child (but I'm not pregnant now) and like you I cannot imagine caring for a newborn and a toddler while recovering from major surgery. Which is why I'm researching options for a VBAC (the hospital were I live has a ban in place). DH knows I'm doing this research. We haven't really talked about yet but honestly he would have to have a really really good reason for me to considering not having a VBAC. Yes he is the parent but he is not the one who would be subjected to major surgery.

Kim22 · August 2013

I had a repeat c section with my second and will again with my third because after research and talking with my doctor, I found it best for me. You need to do what you are most comfortable with but if you end up with a c section I found recovery to be much easier the second time around. I had a two year old home at the time also. My friends who have had multiple c sections all seem to agree that they get easier.

EmR22 · August 2013

First I just want to say that I want to junk punch your DH. I'm glad he is being honest with you about what he wants and I do think he gets a say I think since your the one having the kid you get a bigger say in things. If you want to try a VBAC and your doctor feels your a candidate I say go for it. Don't give into a c section because of pressure from others if you are not comfortable with it. That being said if I understand you right you were totally knocked out for it right? Having a RCS with just a spinal is a major difference. I had an emergency c section (but was not knocked out) and then 21 months later had a scheduled c section (she was breech and they would not allow me to do a VBAC). I was able to handle a 4 yr old, almost 2 year old and a newborn with some help while recovering from a c section. Since they usually schedule c section at/around 39 weeks could you delay decision for awhile. Perhaps ~34 weeks your dr can re-evaluate if you are still a good candidate for VBAC? I think you just need to think hard about what you are comfortable with since it's your body. When you come to some decision talk to your DH and explain why you feel that way. Hopefully having an honest dialog can help him to see your perspective and you his.

Squirrel29 · August 2013

I think your DH is being ridiculous, but that is neither here nor there. I chose to have a VBAC and am very happy that I was able to do so, so know that I'm coming from a pro-VBAC point of view here. I think that scheduling a cs for the convenience of everyone else is a mistake, especially if it is something you are feeling more inclined to try to to avoid. Sure, it would be easier to plan around a scheduled cs, but you are far more likely to have an easier recovery with a VBAC and I'd much rather make things easier post birth than take advantage of the benefit of scheduling surgery. That said, I think that for me the most important factor is my VBAC success was that the people supporting me were fully on board with it. My doctor was awesome, my Doula kicked ass and my husband was a rock. If you feel like you'd rather have a VBAC than stand your ground and explain to him all of the benefits so that he can support you.

tracy41 · August 2013

I never went into labor with my first and ended up having a CS at 41w3d and DS1 was almost 11 lbs. With DS2 I scheduled my CS but my doctor was on board with VBAC if I went into labor before then. I didn't and DS2 was almost 10 lbs.

I personally do not think you should schedule a CS for the convenience of your inlaws or even your DH. It is still major surgery and carries risks. That being said, there is nothing wrong with having a RCS because it's the right choice for you with this pregnancy. I think you're right to think about scheduling if it looks like you're headed the same way in this pregnancy that you were in your first.

Also, my RCS was WAY easier than my first because I knew what to expect. And I survived as a single mom at home with an infant and a 2 1/2 year old in a two story house. It can be done! GL!

Clynnpollock · August 2013

I could have written pieces of your post myself. My doc has me down as a VBAC candidate right now, pending any problems coming up to change that. I was induced with DS, and his head was large and the cord was around his neck twice. I didn't contract on my own at all with DS, and they did the c-section when his heart rate began to fluctuate. DH would prefer to go straight to the RCS (for many of the reasons your DH stated). Luckily for me he's not vocal enough to push it as he knows just how far it will get him with me (and I've got his mom in my corner - she had a VBAC with him so gets the whole thing). I agreed to compromise and not look for another dr (the one that delivered ds will do VBACs), and he agreed to not push for the RCS. If I'd had to fight harder with DH I would have, and I may still have to fight him a bit on it, but I don't want to go through major surgery again if there's a safe way to avoid doing so, and he will just have to deal with that. This is especially true since it's a permanent birth control solution after this baby comes and he's wanting me to have my tubes tied - he doesn't want to go through a vasectomy (not good with drs, surgery etc). In my mind if he doesn't want a fairly non invasive procedure done on himself, he can't push me to have major surgery unless there is a dire medical need for it.

jb2rn · August 2013

I also kinda want to smack your husband. Being up and listening to you screaming? Ok, Dude, then you get to be in labor

I personally would try for a VBAC. Different baby, different positions, size, etc. You just don't know. I would want to at least try, you know? If baby is in in distress, or can't make it out, ok, then you tried.

I would also fight a c section at 40 weeks, that seems really soon. I would want to go to at least 41. Since you went to 40 the first time, it's likely you will again. Obviously you can't be induced after a c section, but I would want to wait a bit.

best of luck w whatever you decide! You are NOT a failure.

Schell2013 · August 2013

Is your DH the one getting his belly cut open and his abs ripped apart? I would guess no. IMO it's your body this little one has to come out of, it may be his baby too but how it comes out should be mainly your choice considering you are the one to go through the pain.

I completely understand how you feel, I was also put under for my section and already want a VBAC. They are much easier than a CS for so many reasons. I do not think its selfish that you want a vaginal birth.

nosoup4u · August 2013

Your DH is being a douchenozzle. And your first labor isn't indicative of how your second labor will be. It's a different pg and will be a different labor.

FWIW, I had a very similar first labor as you - pushed for a long time, and DS1 wasn't coming out. It could be your DS was in a bad position, not that your pelvis is small. I went on to have a VBAC with my second, and he was significantly larger than his brother.

Also, if you do choose VBAC, I would also suggest waiting until 41 weeks, as igo give you more time to go into labor. You could hire a postpartum dlula to help out if grandparents can't be around right away. Do you have any friends nearby who would be supportive of you if DH refuses to be?

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