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SD14 and the swim team

mccall0113mccall0113 member
in Blended Families
SD called me yesterday to say she made the varsity swim team as an 8th grader! I couldn't be more proud. Did I mention she also wanted to tell me she loves me?? :)  Well my bubble burst when I found out the her BM made it very clear that I should not attend any meets.  Not sure what to do.  I want to be there to support but not cause a disruption. I also have reason to believe that SD is being physically and emotionally abused and SD is currently collecting evidence (pictures and saved texts.)  SD lives an hour away and DH and I feel so helpless.  FWIW: DH is her SF not bio so he has no legal rights.  Would you go to meets with your own children in tow?  Or stay home?  I very much dislike confrontation.
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Re: SD14 and the swim team

  • IlumineIlumine member
    I will say this, if you have NO legal rights whatsoever, you can be walking into a very sticky legal mess.  

    How does your DH have any current interaction with her if he is a former StepFather?  If you have any precedent or financial ties to this little girl, you need to contact a lawyer before you show up there.  

    I can see that turning on you quite quickly.
    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
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  • SueBearSueBear member

    If SD understands her mom's wishes, I would stay away.  If your H were her bio-dad, then I would tell you you have every right to be there, but your situation sounds sticky - - if you anger the mom, could she stop allowing your H to ever see her again?  Is there a CO for visitation?  

    If your H has rights with a CO, then bio-mom can b*tch all she wants, but going to a public swim meet is your right.  I would, however, find a sitter - - meets are long and boring for little children, and you'll be able to concentrate on SD if you have someone else watching the kids.

    There are other ways to support your SD without going to the meets. Send her an email prior to the meet wishing her luck.  Often, meets are videotaped and you migth be able to see if you can watch her in a video afterwards. 

    Why does biomom dislike you so much?  Because you married her ex? 

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  • mccall0113mccall0113 member
    BM allows her to come often, we are at her mercy. This past spring she was allowed to come EOWE.  SD has DH's last name but I don't know how legally.  Her biodad is not in the picture.  She hasn't seen him since age 3.  I think BM is jealous because we offer stability.  Nice home, family time, and emotional stability.  She's BSC and SD is her maid.  BM is currently pregnant and expects to be waited on.  I believe in chores but what she does is beyond normal.  Yes, BM get s mad and we don't see her for months.  It's time for school so she will probably let SD come over so that we can buy her school clothes. There's no financial obligation.   I secretly hope that when the baby is born she will allow SD to come more often, like she can't be bothered. My heart breaks for her.  As soon as she's 18, she will be gone in the wind.  Hopefully she will blow our way. Thanks for the suggestions.  I have always waited in the wings and she understands the situation.  She knows we love her but I want her to know how proud we are for her rising above the crap.   
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    When you say that you think she is being abused and she is gathering evidence what do you mean? And if you suspect then why have you not reported it? Some states make all adults mandatory reporters and certainly everyone is morally required to report suspected child abuse. And you do not need to say who you are to report it n
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • mccall0113mccall0113 member
    Nothing new has happened since the last time child protective services has been called. They come to the house, mom puts on a show, they leave and SD gets hit again.  I told her that she needs to call cops right away if she's hit again. emotional abuse is harder to prove. She's saving text messages from crazy mom.  I'm also hesitant to call because, if SD were to be removed from the home, she would go to maternal aunt.  This woman and her husband serve her alcohol.  SD lives an hour away and we keep in daily contact but I really feel for her. 
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  • SueBearSueBear member
    Hopefully when the baby is born you will see more of SD, and she won't keep SD around for free babysitting.
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Maybe when the baby is born you can offer to take custody? Just a crazy thought she probably would not go for.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
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  • twister22twister22 member
    T&Ps your way, this whole situation sucks :(.
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  • mccall0113mccall0113 member
    Thanks!  We would love custody but know BM would never agree. SHe would be losing her sitter and maid.
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