Dentist update

CFjo2010 · August 2013

I need to stop caring. I need to completely disengage. And I’m trying.

I was at the dentist on Friday and while I was waiting the receptionist asked me when I wanted to reschedule K’s appointment. I must have looked really confused because she went on to explain that no one had contacted them about rescheduling K’s missed appt last week. I informed her that I am only the SM, and that she needs to contact BM or DH about rescheduling the appt. She told me that she has called BM 3 times and hasn’t received a return call. I apologized for BM’s failure to return phone calls and let her know that I would have DH get in contact with BM to get it set up. The receptionist looked at me and said, “I really thought you were K’s mom. You seem so on top of everything and seem to care so much. K’s lucky to have you.” And now I feel sh!tty for not making K’s appt when clearly her own mother isn't handling business.

When I got home I told DH the appt hadn't been rescheduled and he got really upset. Not angry, just emotional. He called and scheduled K's appt for this Friday and he's taking the day off work to handle the dentist appt and K's physical. While I'm really glad that he's stepping up and getting it handled, I'm also sad that BM just doesn't seem to give a damn about any of this. All she cares about is taking K to Disneyland, Legoland, the movies, etc., and then complaining to anyone who will listen that she's doing everything on her own and that DH and I aren't "really involved or care about K".

I know there's nothing I can do about BM. I'm just feeling extra frustrated lately.

fellesferie · August 2013

Don't feel bad. You haven't done anything wrong.

You taking a step back doesn't have anything to do with how great you are for K. It has to do with the fact that YH and BM have developed an expectation that you will parent her in their stead. And not only do they not appreciate it, but they punish you for not somehow being capable of magically handling all their contradictory demands.

You can't do anything about BM. But YH shouldn't be upset that he has to step in. This is a problem HE helped create. Now he has to fix it.

Your kiddos come home this week, right? Mine comes back from CA tomorrow, and I was thinking they were all traveling the same week.

CFjo2010 · August 2013

fellesferie said:

Don't feel bad. You haven't done anything wrong.

You taking a step back doesn't have anything to do with how great you are for K. It has to do with the fact that YH and BM have developed an expectation that you will parent her in their stead. And not only do they not appreciate it, but they punish you for not somehow being capable of magically handling all their contradictory demands.

You can't do anything about BM. But YH shouldn't be upset that he has to step in. This is a problem HE helped create. Now he has to fix it.

Your kiddos come home this week, right? Mine comes back from CA tomorrow, and I was thinking they were all traveling the same week.

Yup, they come home on Thursday!! I cannot wait for them to be back, it feels like it's been forever. I forgot that your DS was out here. I hope he has been having fun on his visit!

I don't think DH is upset about having to step in. He was pretty emotional (not angry, he seemed more sad) when I told him the appt hadn't been rescheduled and he made a comment about not understanding why BM wasn't taking care of K's needs. I think he's believed this whole time that BM would make K's health a priority (since she always claims to) and it's been a rude awakening for him to see that she isn't doing as she claims. He was pretty quiet this weekend, and kept double checking the calendar for K's appts and school stuff coming up. I actually feel pretty bad for him.

Lavender P · August 2013

I'm glad that your DH stepped up and is taking K to her appointments. I'm sorry that you feel crappy about it. Try to think of what the receptionist said to you as a testament to what a great SM you are instead of a guilt trip. There are only so many hours in a day and you cannot take care of everything for everyone else. If this experience helps DH become more engaged and more appreciative of you, then it is better for the whole family, including K.

It is so hard not to care when you see someone with messed up priorities affect a child that you love. In one of my other posts, someone posted about how they've accepted that they can't change the BM in their situation and that had really resonated with me. She will never be the type of mother to K that you would or would want her to be for K, but you can't change it or fix it. K will be one of those people who grows up to be successful despite her mom, not because of her. I just tell myself that I cannot control how BM treats my SS or how she raises him. All we can do is offer an alternative model to what she is showing him and let him know what we value and what we think are important.

Right now K is so young that going to Disneyland and doing fun things are all that matter. But as she grows she is going to know who she can count on and what to expect from each of the adults in her life. She will see her mom for who she really is and what her priorities really are.

4luvof2boys · August 2013

I am glad your DH is stepping up and relieved for you that he didn't take this out on you. However, I wouldn't feel bad for him one bit. After all the BSC stuff this BM pulls why would he be remotely surprised that she isn't taking care of business? The only difference I see is that you are making him deal with it instead of taking care of it for him. I think it is awesome he had some quiet reflection time and is becoming concerned with K's day to day schedule, appts, etc. Even if BM is mother of the year, it is not just her responsibility alone to follow up with the Dr., Dentist, teachers, etc. Way to go Jo and kudos to DH as well (assuming he handles the appt Friday and does not try and get you to take care of it for him)!

PS - I am still peeved for you over the whole "you stepped up for this" statement. I think your DH should sit in his quiet reflections for as long as it takes him to realize how hard it is to manage all you take care of for the family. Don't back down!

Ilumine · August 2013

jobalchak said:

fellesferie said:

Don't feel bad. You haven't done anything wrong.

You taking a step back doesn't have anything to do with how great you are for K. It has to do with the fact that YH and BM have developed an expectation that you will parent her in their stead. And not only do they not appreciate it, but they punish you for not somehow being capable of magically handling all their contradictory demands.

You can't do anything about BM. But YH shouldn't be upset that he has to step in. This is a problem HE helped create. Now he has to fix it.

Your kiddos come home this week, right? Mine comes back from CA tomorrow, and I was thinking they were all traveling the same week.

Yup, they come home on Thursday!! I cannot wait for them to be back, it feels like it's been forever. I forgot that your DS was out here. I hope he has been having fun on his visit!

I don't think DH is upset about having to step in. He was pretty emotional (not angry, he seemed more sad) when I told him the appt hadn't been rescheduled and he made a comment about not understanding why BM wasn't taking care of K's needs. I think he's believed this whole time that BM would make K's health a priority (since she always claims to) and it's been a rude awakening for him to see that she isn't doing as she claims. He was pretty quiet this weekend, and kept double checking the calendar for K's appts and school stuff coming up. I actually feel pretty bad for him.

Why do you feel sorry for him? He has been a pisspoor father lately. He is actually making HIS child's health YOUR SOLE responsibility.

If this were an intact family, where the wife was refused help in juggling/supporting their children's medical appoints from her husband, we would lambast him for being an ass. But because its a SM being asked to do this...that she signed up for it?

Uh NO. A stepmother signed up to be her husband's PARTNER in raising ALL OF THEIR CHILDREN, not the paid fucking nanny.

He created this mess and now he has to fix it.

CFjo2010 · August 2013

Ilumine said:

jobalchak said:

fellesferie said:

Don't feel bad. You haven't done anything wrong.

You taking a step back doesn't have anything to do with how great you are for K. It has to do with the fact that YH and BM have developed an expectation that you will parent her in their stead. And not only do they not appreciate it, but they punish you for not somehow being capable of magically handling all their contradictory demands.

You can't do anything about BM. But YH shouldn't be upset that he has to step in. This is a problem HE helped create. Now he has to fix it.

Your kiddos come home this week, right? Mine comes back from CA tomorrow, and I was thinking they were all traveling the same week.

Yup, they come home on Thursday!! I cannot wait for them to be back, it feels like it's been forever. I forgot that your DS was out here. I hope he has been having fun on his visit!

I don't think DH is upset about having to step in. He was pretty emotional (not angry, he seemed more sad) when I told him the appt hadn't been rescheduled and he made a comment about not understanding why BM wasn't taking care of K's needs. I think he's believed this whole time that BM would make K's health a priority (since she always claims to) and it's been a rude awakening for him to see that she isn't doing as she claims. He was pretty quiet this weekend, and kept double checking the calendar for K's appts and school stuff coming up. I actually feel pretty bad for him.

Why do you feel sorry for him? He has been a pisspoor father lately. He is actually making HIS child's health YOUR SOLE responsibility.

If this were an intact family, where the wife was refused help in juggling/supporting their children's medical appoints from her husband, we would lambast him for being an ass. But because its a SM being asked to do this...that she signed up for it?

Uh NO. A stepmother signed up to be her husband's PARTNER in raising ALL OF THEIR CHILDREN, not the paid fucking nanny.

He created this mess and now he has to fix it.

I completely agree that he created this mess.

I guess I just feel bad because of how badly he's taking it. It's almost like when a kid finds out there's no Santa Claus. He really thought BM was handling things. And then to find out she hasn't been handling it, and that it really has been me doing all of it... I can tell he feels like crap about himself right now. Which he admittedly deserves.

Dude, and I have not been getting paid to act like the nanny. I want my contract renegotiated!!

Ilumine · August 2013

jobalchak said:

Ilumine said:

jobalchak said:

fellesferie said:

Don't feel bad. You haven't done anything wrong.

You taking a step back doesn't have anything to do with how great you are for K. It has to do with the fact that YH and BM have developed an expectation that you will parent her in their stead. And not only do they not appreciate it, but they punish you for not somehow being capable of magically handling all their contradictory demands.

You can't do anything about BM. But YH shouldn't be upset that he has to step in. This is a problem HE helped create. Now he has to fix it.

Your kiddos come home this week, right? Mine comes back from CA tomorrow, and I was thinking they were all traveling the same week.

Yup, they come home on Thursday!! I cannot wait for them to be back, it feels like it's been forever. I forgot that your DS was out here. I hope he has been having fun on his visit!

I don't think DH is upset about having to step in. He was pretty emotional (not angry, he seemed more sad) when I told him the appt hadn't been rescheduled and he made a comment about not understanding why BM wasn't taking care of K's needs. I think he's believed this whole time that BM would make K's health a priority (since she always claims to) and it's been a rude awakening for him to see that she isn't doing as she claims. He was pretty quiet this weekend, and kept double checking the calendar for K's appts and school stuff coming up. I actually feel pretty bad for him.

Why do you feel sorry for him? He has been a pisspoor father lately. He is actually making HIS child's health YOUR SOLE responsibility.

If this were an intact family, where the wife was refused help in juggling/supporting their children's medical appoints from her husband, we would lambast him for being an ass. But because its a SM being asked to do this...that she signed up for it?

Uh NO. A stepmother signed up to be her husband's PARTNER in raising ALL OF THEIR CHILDREN, not the paid fucking nanny.

He created this mess and now he has to fix it.

I completely agree that he created this mess.

I guess I just feel bad because of how badly he's taking it. It's almost like when a kid finds out there's no Santa Claus. He really thought BM was handling things. And then to find out she hasn't been handling it, and that it really has been me doing all of it... I can tell he feels like crap about himself right now. Which he admittedly deserves.

Dude, and I have not been getting paid to act like the nanny. I want my contract renegotiated!!

Regarding the bold part....so fucking what (yes, my mouth is bad but this pisses me off for you)? You have been TELLING HIM THIS for forever. HE REFUSED TO BELIEVE YOU - HIS FUCKING WIFE.

Of course he should feel bad, he did not believe his wife.

Wahoo · August 2013

When you first started posting about K's dr. visits, it was always "H WANTS to be involved but big, bad, crazy BM won't keep him informed." I'm seeing a completely different picture now....my guess is that your H never cared or gave K's health much thought until he had a girlfriend (you) he wanted to impress with his awesome parenting skills (cough, cough). BM took care of things and never told him because he never cared before and she wasn't about to keep him in the loop just to make him look good to his shiny new girlfriend. I have little respect for your H.

CFjo2010 · August 2013

@Wahoo, I take great offense to being referred to as the "shiny new girlfriend". It's rude, derogatory and completely uncalled for.

And please, before you jump to conclusions about DH "never caring" about K's health, know that for the two years of K's life he couldn't get any of the health info because BM deliberately provided the Dr's office with the wrong Birth Certificate which didn't have him listed as K's father (even though he was the one providing K's health insurance). Anytime he tried to get info about K's appts, BM would give him a quick sentence or two and told him everything was fine. It wasn't until he had to take K to Urgent Care that he discovered the Birth Certificate issue. He immediately went in and got a CO forcing BM to provide the correct Birth Certificate, and I came into the picture shortly after that. Even after he provided the Dr's office with the CO and the correct Birth Certificate, they still weren't complying with it because BM told them she had a restraining order against DH (which she didn't). For the 1st year we were dating, DH was battling to get access to K's medical records. Once he was able to finally be a part of the medical care, he discovered that BM wasn't getting K vaccinated and that she was hauling K to the Dr every week for some ridiculous thing and had her on all kinds of prescriptions.

BM stopped providing assistance with making and/or taking K to Dr appts when we changed insurance companies and we were no longer using the pediatrician she chose. The new Dr required the current CO showing joint legal custody, and when BM tried to claim she had a restraining order they demanded to see it. The first time she tried to take K in for some alleged medical issue and tried to get K on a prescription, the new pediatrician quickly shot BM down and informed her that prescriptions are not given out quite so freely.

I'm not saying that DH is blameless in all this. But for the first 2 years he was unable to access K's health records due to BM's manipulations. Both he and BM have dropped the ball since the insurance company changed, and both have relied on me far too much when it comes to these things. So again, please don't jump to conclusions about my husband's concern and care for his daughter without knowing the entire story.

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