problems with future SD

pinkitty · August 2013

My fiance has two kids, a five year old daughter and a two and a half year old son. I have a 3 year old son. Everyone gets along well, except, and I know this is going to sound very harsh, there are a lot of times I cannot stand his daughter! She is rotten. She has absolutley no respect for any adult, whether it be her parents, grandparents, me, or my family. She has a HUGE attitude, and thinks she can say or do whatever she wants. We were at a family party at my aunts house yesterday, and she was so rude to both my mother and my aunt who was hosting the party. It is completely embarrasing.

It is to the point where I crindge at the sound of her voice. I have had many talks with my fiance about her totally unacceptable behavior, and he agrees, yet isn't sure how to fix it. I have yet to talk to him about yesterday, because I honestly feel like a broken record. I dont want him to think i am just picking on her and being hard on her. She is out of control though. One example: about three weeks ago, we took at the kids to an amusement park for the day. Before the we even left for the park, I had wanted to cancel it, since she had started being bratty already. She complained about the donuts I brought over, saying I didn't get good ones. Then she got mad at me for telling her to get her shoes on, and slammed the door on me, when I stepped outside to get something, and locked the door on me. Then, the whole entire day, she was miserable! "I dont want to go on this ride first" "I will pick which rides we go on" "I want slush" (it was 11am and we told her we needed to get lunch before we got slush) then, when we did get lunch it was "why did you take me here for lunch, I hate this place" (she had never been there to eat) "I hate this table I want another table" "why did you get me this to eat I hate this" ( mind you we ordered her her favorite thing). Then when I did get her slush, it was "I wanted slush an hour ago, I can't believe your just getting it for me now!" At the end of the day, it was "we didn't go on enough rides" " You didn't buy me enough stuff" and on and on. I had spent about $200 that day, and I felt so taken advantaged of, so unappreciated. Then when we got back home, she started picking on my son! Calling him a freak and a bully, when he was just being a normal sweet 3 year old boy minding his business, just playing with her brother. She tried to keep excluding him in things, like making a picnic for dinner, but telling him it was only for brothers and sisters. She was very nasty and cruel about it.

Sorry, I know this is long. Most of the time, this is what she is like. Then there are few and far between times when she is a normal, sweet, 5 year old girl. Honestly. I love my fiance more than I thought I could ever love someone, and I couldn't imagine not being with him, but this situation sometimes makes me think I can't do this! As much as he is on the same page with me, mostly, I feel like #1 he needs to do more to discipline her, and #2 This is only going to get worse, and do I really want to put up with this?

Hopeforthebest · August 2013

Run now if this is how you feel.

Hopeforthebest · August 2013

or at the very least have your FI do the work and get results BEFORE you get married. It won't get better, only worse.

pinkitty · August 2013

Hopeforthebest said:

or at the very least have your FI do the work and get results BEFORE you get married. It won't get better, only worse.

yes, I know this. It makes me so sad to think about not being with him because of this. But, most importantly, I WILL NOT have my son be made to feel bad by anyone! I'm just at a loss right now and upset about it.

pinkitty · August 2013

Also, off topic, can somone help me get my pic and ticker off my profile? I went and deleted them from my profile, and saved changes, but they still show up, eventhough there is nothing in the signature spot in my profile.

+just+j+ · August 2013

Counselling. For all of you.

She is trying to control you.

And I would have cancelled the trip if that's the way she behaved before you even left the house.

You say nothing about what discipline is taking place. Whatever it is that you are doing and are not doing is not working. Get counseling for all of you.

And I agree with the PP. Do not marry this man unless something significant happens and changes because this will ONLY get worse.

Pamelacake · August 2013

I have a 5yo SD who warmed right up to me from the very beginning. I always treat her with respect and she has always done the same to me. My first and only experience with SD being demanding and disrespectful towards me was over the weekend. I was supervising a visit with SD's BM.

SD talks to BM the way you described your future SD. My SD demanded that I get her something from the kitchen, I Ignored it as they were supposed to act like I wasn't even there in the first place.

I'm not sure what made her do this, I'm assuming it was b/c either that's the way SD talks to BM, or SD was trying to impress BM. I honestly think it was the first of the two as for the first 2 hours of the visit, SD talked to me like she normally does, with respect. But it's really hard to say B/C BM was telling both SD's to call me by my name, not mommy and different things like that.

I know from what you posted your situation is much different but there has to be a reason why she is like that towards you. & if you want it to be a successful relationship with her I would push FI to get to the bottom of it.

pinkitty · August 2013

+just+j+ said:

Counselling. For all of you.

She is trying to control you.

And I would have cancelled the trip if that's the way she behaved before you even left the house.

You say nothing about what discipline is taking place. Whatever it is that you are doing and are not doing is not working. Get counseling for all of you.

And I agree with the PP. Do not marry this man unless something significant happens and changes because this will ONLY get worse.

Yes, I agree we should have canceled the trip, or at least not let her join us. I made it very clear to him, that if she acts that way again, she will be left out of things. He agrees. As far as discipline, not much. She is told by both her father and I, that she is wrong, she gets reprimanded, sometimes get time outs, but thats all. I have taken away Ipad usage, but her father takes the "what do I do" approach. I tell him DISCIPLINE HER! Take away privileges, do SOMETHING other than threaten to do it. It worries me that, although he agrees with me, I think maybe deep down, or not so deep down, he feels like it is not such a big deal.

And yes, she is for sure trying to control things! And if she doesn't get her way, she goes nuts. We were at target one day all together, and I was getting a thing of 15 glow bracelets for the kids. She wanted her own, but I explained that I was getting one for everyone to share. She proceeded to tell me that she hopes all my bones break, that she wants to throw a bomb at me...went on and on. I tried to ignore it for a while, but it did upset me, because frankly, she is 5 and I am an adult, and I dont' need a 5 year old taunting and trying to torture me for hours.

pinkitty · August 2013

Pamelacake said:

I have a 5yo SD who warmed right up to me from the very beginning. I always treat her with respect and she has always done the same to me. My first and only experience with SD being demanding and disrespectful towards me was over the weekend. I was supervising a visit with SD's BM.

SD talks to BM the way you described your future SD. My SD demanded that I get her something from the kitchen, I Ignored it as they were supposed to act like I wasn't even there in the first place.

I'm not sure what made her do this, I'm assuming it was b/c either that's the way SD talks to BM, or SD was trying to impress BM. I honestly think it was the first of the two as for the first 2 hours of the visit, SD talked to me like she normally does, with respect. But it's really hard to say B/C BM was telling both SD's to call me by my name, not mommy and different things like that.

I know from what you posted your situation is much different but there has to be a reason why she is like that towards you. & if you want it to be a successful relationship with her I would push FI to get to the bottom of it.

She and I did hit if off right away. She does really like me. Her behavior is not just towards me, I am just using these instances as examples. She treats every adult in her family the same way. She has absolutley no respect for adults or authority!

kknisell · August 2013

While it may be hard, I think you have to set aside your own feelings and think about how this little girl might be feeling. Blending families is confusing and can be very challenging for some children. It can bring on troublesome behavioral issues that may not have been there previously or exacerbate issues that were already present. Additionally, from a child's point of view, treating you badly might lead to you leaving and her parents getting back together. Of course, this is not rational, but a child's mind is not rational. If you are committed to this man and family, I would try to spend some one on one time and show your SD that you care and are there for her. It won't be easy but it will be worth it in the end.

pinkitty · August 2013

kknisell said:

While it may be hard, I think you have to set aside your own feelings and think about how this little girl might be feeling. Blending families is confusing and can be very challenging for some children. It can bring on troublesome behavioral issues that may not have been there previously or exacerbate issues that were already present. Additionally, from a child's point of view, treating you badly might lead to you leaving and her parents getting back together. Of course, this is not rational, but a child's mind is not rational. If you are committed to this man and family, I would try to spend some one on one time and show your SD that you care and are there for her. It won't be easy but it will be worth it in the end.

It is actually when I spend one on one time with her that she is a pleasure to be around. I rationalize the bad behavior towards my son is because she wants my full attention, she does not want to share it with him.

Pamelacake · August 2013

pinkitty said:

Pamelacake said:

I have a 5yo SD who warmed right up to me from the very beginning. I always treat her with respect and she has always done the same to me. My first and only experience with SD being demanding and disrespectful towards me was over the weekend. I was supervising a visit with SD's BM.

SD talks to BM the way you described your future SD. My SD demanded that I get her something from the kitchen, I Ignored it as they were supposed to act like I wasn't even there in the first place.

I'm not sure what made her do this, I'm assuming it was b/c either that's the way SD talks to BM, or SD was trying to impress BM. I honestly think it was the first of the two as for the first 2 hours of the visit, SD talked to me like she normally does, with respect. But it's really hard to say B/C BM was telling both SD's to call me by my name, not mommy and different things like that.

I know from what you posted your situation is much different but there has to be a reason why she is like that towards you. & if you want it to be a successful relationship with her I would push FI to get to the bottom of it.

She and I did hit if off right away. She does really like me. Her behavior is not just towards me, I am just using these instances as examples. She treats every adult in her family the same way. She has absolutley no respect for adults or authority!

That's definitely not a good thing. I agree with J about the counseling. And where you said she is pleasant to be around when it's just you and her, Could there be any past reason for her to feel she needs to seek your approval? I don't mean a reason from you but maybe something happened to her. My 5yo SD also thinks she has to be the center of attention to anyone that comes over, any dr's offices, dentist, you name it. She thinks she runs everything.
I definitely agree that therapy is the way to go. separate sessions as well as group sessions.

Mrs.H. · August 2013

I would not have cancelled the trip. I would have told her that she needed to behave and one more outburst like she had in regards to the donuts, I'd find a sitter to stay with her and the rest would go to the park without her.

CurlieWhirlie · August 2013

kknisell said:

While it may be hard, I think you have to set aside your own feelings and think about how this little girl might be feeling. Blending families is confusing and can be very challenging for some children. It can bring on troublesome behavioral issues that may not have been there previously or exacerbate issues that were already present. Additionally, from a child's point of view, treating you badly might lead to you leaving and her parents getting back together. Of course, this is not rational, but a child's mind is not rational. If you are committed to this man and family, I would try to spend some one on one time and show your SD that you care and are there for her. It won't be easy but it will be worth it in the end.

This. It sounds like she is having a hard time adjusting, and may be unable to talk about or even identify her feelings about her parents' split and your impending marriage to her dad. She may feel like adults can't be trusted. She may be testing boundaries to see how much control she has. With little kids, it's really important to have boundaries and discipline, yes, but at the same time validate the feelings they are expressing, however badly they are expressing them. It is really hard sometimes, but we have to remember to adjust our expectations for our kids. They are just kids, they are looking to us to learn how to behave, and looking for some stability and structure.

pinkitty · August 2013

kknisell said:

While it may be hard, I think you have to set aside your own feelings and think about how this little girl might be feeling. Blending families is confusing and can be very challenging for some children. It can bring on troublesome behavioral issues that may not have been there previously or exacerbate issues that were already present. Additionally, from a child's point of view, treating you badly might lead to you leaving and her parents getting back together. Of course, this is not rational, but a child's mind is not rational. If you are committed to this man and family, I would try to spend some one on one time and show your SD that you care and are there for her. It won't be easy but it will be worth it in the end.

This. It sounds like she is having a hard time adjusting, and may be unable to talk about or even identify her feelings about her parents' split and your impending marriage to her dad. She may feel like adults can't be trusted. She may be testing boundaries to see how much control she has. With little kids, it's really important to have boundaries and discipline, yes, but at the same time validate the feelings they are expressing, however badly they are expressing them. It is really hard sometimes, but we have to remember to adjust our expectations for our kids. They are just kids, they are looking to us to learn how to behave, and looking for some stability and structure.

thank you for these responses. I have said over and over that something isn't right, that she is angry inside. I really really do care about these kids, and want to give them all the love and support that I can. I am willing to help in any way. I just don't want to be walked all over and disrespected in the process. Nor do I want my family or his to be disrespected either. These responses make me feel like it isn't a hopeless road.

Pamelacake · August 2013

definitely not hopeless.. I just remembered how my older SS's treated DS when DH and I first got married and moved in together. They already knew each other very well, but they picked on DS. I started to feel at that time that it was hopeless and wanted to take DS and leave. But they would pick on him here but let someone say something to him on the bus or at school and they had his back. lol.

It stopped over time and now, 16yo SS will come up to me and randomly talk about it and tell me it was all in fun.. they had to train him to be in the family but have always considered him as a brother.. lol. 16yo SS and 10yo DS both have ADD so sometimes they still clash and get into it.. they take some time apart from each other to cool down and then apologize and they're back to playing their video games and laughing together.

I know your situation is different.. just wanted to share that there was a time I felt it was hopeless as well.

Hang in there and I hope everything works out!

pinkitty · August 2013

Pamelacake said:

definitely not hopeless.. I just remembered how my older SS's treated DS when DH and I first got married and moved in together. They already knew each other very well, but they picked on DS. I started to feel at that time that it was hopeless and wanted to take DS and leave. But they would pick on him here but let someone say something to him on the bus or at school and they had his back. lol.

It stopped over time and now, 16yo SS will come up to me and randomly talk about it and tell me it was all in fun.. they had to train him to be in the family but have always considered him as a brother.. lol. 16yo SS and 10yo DS both have ADD so sometimes they still clash and get into it.. they take some time apart from each other to cool down and then apologize and they're back to playing their video games and laughing together.

I know your situation is different.. just wanted to share that there was a time I felt it was hopeless as well.

Hang in there and I hope everything works out!

thank you for this! this has made me feel a lot better. Most of the time, SD is fine with DS, plays with him and has fun with him. Of course in bad moments, I get so upset that DS will feel left out or picked on. But, SD always says things like "When you and daddy get married, we will all be brothers and sister!"

+just+j+ · August 2013

I want to SHAKE your fiancé. Seriously he thinks it's no big deal? Does he believe this is normal?? It's not. Obviously you know that, but he needs someone else to tell him how his child is perceived - and on him.

It's very telling that when you are alone with her she is better. I see this as a desperate need for attention. I suggest your husband have one on one time with her and his other child as well. Divorce is hard on kids of all ages. It's important that they know they are loved and aren't getting lost in all that's going on. She's had a lot happen to her in her short little life.

Other than telling her what she's doing wrong. Make a point to regularly give her healthy attention, and even try just sitting down alone with her and talking to her - which means, after things have settled down, or when she's in a good state of mind, ask her a question about why she acts out like that and then shut up and listen to her. Really listen. Ask more questions as it makes sense. And listen. You may have to work up to this and take small steps, but if she knows a parent is really listening to her and really hearing her, that's sometimes enough to help them down the right path.

And when she behaves, reward her with love. Hugs, kisses, etc. and "Wow! You behaved perfectly in the store! Isn't it much more fun this way?" Take notice and let her know you notice and appreciate her.

Your husband however needs to be on board. I'd have a coming to Jesus with him and tell him that there will be no wedding until things drastically improve. I know that's tough but it beats the hell out of having a brat of an SD. Because if you all do nothing...your life will be a living hell with her. That I can promise.

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