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December 2010 Moms
babycakes
member
WWYD- mom in denial
babycakes
member
So, I wrote a post about 2 weeks ago about my 99 yo grandma being admitted to the hospital and the doctors saying it doesn't look good. Shes still there but the doctors have told my mom that theres nothing medically they can do. My mom has to decide to take her home or put her in a nursing home.
I hope I don't sound like a heartless cold bitch but my mom is in such denial. I know everyone deals with these situations differently but its so frustrating. For the past 2 weeks shes been telling us to pray to God to help grandma get better, to have faith and that a miracle will happen and save her. NOTHING WILL SAVE HER! I just want to shake my mom. Last night grandma was actually wide awake and saying words (she never ever talks and usually just sleeps). From what we gather, shes been seeing relatives that have passed (her parents, cousins) and they're telling her to go with her. Its so painfully obvious to everyone that she wants to go. Shes saying "mother" in a yearning way and "come with them" like she wants to go. You know what my mom is saying to her? "No, you can't leave. Don't go with them" and shes telling my grandma this in a matter of fact kind of way. My mom thinks my grandma talking means shes getting better. Don't people usually have a "last hurrah" and see dead relatives before they pass?
I don't even know what I'm asking here. I guess, should I talk to my mom? I've tried to mention things before but she just shuts me down, telling me to be positive. Is this just something she has to deal with and come to terms with on her own? She has such high hopes, its such a further fall for her, you know what I mean? When my grandma passes, my mom is going to be so depressed. And I also feel so extremely terrible for my grandma. I honestly think if my mom told my grandma that its ok to leave and to go with her parents, that she would pass. And my grandma could finally be at peace. I understand my mom wanting to hold on and I love my grandma and don't want her to die but I want her to be happy and to not be in pain anymore. I feel like a bitch saying this but I feel like my moms being selfish almost. Like, just let her go already.
:'(
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Re: WWYD- mom in denial
Is there anyway you could try a heart to heart with your mom? From what you said it probably won't do much good but I'd try anyway. Forgive me for being blunt but I'm guessing at this point your grandma has no quality of life to speak of. She's bed ridden and isn't even able to enjoy the loved ones around her. What does she have to live for? Not to mention your mom isn't "living" at this point either.
If your grandma is holding on just for your mom, ugh... Your mom needs to tell her it's ok to go, otherwise she'll just keep lingering. I'm sorry all of the above is so straight forward but I believe in these situations you need to be realistic.
Can you get some alone time with your grandma and tell her it's ok? That you'll take care of your mom and make sure she gets through this. Maybe if she knew you'd be there to make sure your mom is ok it would make it easier for her to let go.
Again, big hugs girl.
I am sorry about your grandma.
Your mom is processing her grief- deep down she knows that it is grandma's time. While yes it appears to be selfish- really she is afraid. A professional is a good place to start. Is your grandma on hospice care? Atleast in the US, they are required to have social workers that assist the patient and family- and help can continue after passing for a year or more. If she has a social worker that is a good place to start- or even the hospital social worker she is being discharged from might have some suggestions.
As for your grandma seeing other loved one who passed before her- I worked in hospice- and this is a commonly reported event. If grandma receives comfort from these visits- I would say use this opportunity to talk to her about those people- she might be up for sharing stories or a little family history. And yes she might be "waiting" to pass until she hears it is ok from your mom- because while we are scared and afraid of life after our loved one- they too are afraid of leaving you and the pain that their passing will cause you. If you have the opportunity to talk to grandma alone- tell her you love her and that you will miss her- but you know she wants to go with her loved ones- that you will look out for your mom.
Do they have hospice in canada? I feel like it would be good to utilize their services and bring grandma home and your mom can take advantage of their counseling services. I know they really do help so many families be at peace during this exact situation.
I feel so sad for your mom. I can totally understand why she isn't receptive to what you are trying to say, even though it is completely rational. It's her mom, so that must be incredibly difficult. I know if I were having to deal with my mom passing I would not at all be open to rational thought, I would be in a very dark place. I think a professional counselor outside of the family might be the only person who can help her come to terms with the reality of the situation, and that would be good for your relationship with your mom too because you can just take on a supportive role and you can both be there for each other and your grandma.
Yes, people who are dying do have conversations with people who are not in the room, and may have a "last hurrah" where they have a burst of energy to eat or speak.
We went through this with my dad. He was in hospice care for the final week of his life. Speaking with a counselor from the hospice prior to moving him into hospice was a huge help in us understanding that there is an actual process - spiritual & physical - that someone goes through as their body is shutting down.
Your mom obviously is grieving in her own way, and may not be open to listening to what you have to say. But, if you could provide her with reading material about what your grandma is going through right now, or have a family meeting with someone from a hospice, then she may be more willing to accept the information.
Here's some literature that may be helpful:
https://www.commtechlab.msu.edu/sites/completingalife/audioon/tc/signs_death.html
I wish I could find these other docs we got b/c they were so helpful, but I can't find them online!
Again, I am so very sorry. Big hugs to you.
If Canadian hospice is like American hospice, the sicker your grandma is, the more frequently they'll have someone with her. When my grandmother came home from the hospital, they started with someone with her 24 hours a day and as she improved they reduced it until she only had someone coming every 3 days. My grandmother was still bed-bound, but family had to take care of her in between the hospice visits since she wasn't as ill as other patients.
Your mom could be afraid for a lot of different reasons some of which may not make any sense to us. If you think about it, our parents are with us from the very beginning. Partners/spouses/kids, they come into our lives later and are no less important for it. But our parents are there with us from the beginning. Even though your mom has her husband and her kids, she may be afraid of being without her mother, who was there with her for her whole life. I think that your dad's idea about bringing in the family priest is a good one too. He may be able to help her talk though things and come to terms with what will happen.
BFP #2 5/27/12. EDD 2/1/13. m/c and D&C 6/21/12.