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Blended Families
StefB28
member
Help with toddler transition after divorce?
StefB28
member
Hi All,
Not sure if this is the right board to post this on-- I'm not in a blended family (newly divorced) but I figured some of you ladies might have been through a similar situation.
My ex and I divorced in June (lived together until the divorce was finalized) and my two boys and I then moved out into a rental house across town. Things are pretty friendly with my ex and even though he technically has them EOWE, he sees them a few times a week, whether he stops by for lunch or picks one or both up for dinner.
My almost 3 year old is having a REALLY hard time with the transition between "daddy's house" & "mommy's house." The first few weekend visits my ex had them, he was letting them stay up really late, giving them a bunch of candy, letting them sleep in bed with him, etc. When they come home to my house, they have a bedtime (in their own beds) and they get the occasional treat. Over the past three weeks or so, my son has become almost impossible to put to bed-- he's refusing to take naps and bedtime has become a three hour ordeal. He doesn't want me to leave his room, he wants me to lay down with him, screams if I leave, gets up, turns on the light, pulls the quilt and sheets off of his bed, makes a mess in his room, and here's the big one: He's taking off his diaper and pooping on the carpet, then walking around and smearing it on the walls.
I talked to my ex about our son's behavior, and he promised to make him start sleeping in his own bed when he visits, and he has, but it hasn't made any difference. I've tried cuddling for a little while on his bed, then leaving. He still freaks out. I've tried sitting on the end of his bed until he falls asleep. He won't sleep with me in there. I tried installing our video monitor so I could at least catch him before he makes a mess-- he unplugs it. I tried putting a potty in his room. I've tried punishments. I've tried bribes. I've tried talking to him, but I'm really not able to reason with a two and a half year old. I've thrown away his favorite books he's pooped on, told him how sad/upset it makes me, made him help me clean the carpet and asked him why he's doing this. Of course, he offers no explanation, but obviously, he's acting out because of all of the turmoil.
I talked to our pediatrician about it this week, and he said that the best thing to do is to try to stay calm and explain to my son that behaving like this will not get him what he wants, and to send him back to his bed. Easier said than done, thought, when I have to completely strip the bed, change the sheets, wipe down the walls and clean the carpet. (Thank you, SpotBot.)
My plan is to try to find a play therapist/child psychologist next week (pedi thought this was a good idea), but in the meantime, does anyone have any additional advice? This was the third time this week the poop incident happened and I'm totally at the end of my rope. Thanks!
Not sure if this is the right board to post this on-- I'm not in a blended family (newly divorced) but I figured some of you ladies might have been through a similar situation.
My ex and I divorced in June (lived together until the divorce was finalized) and my two boys and I then moved out into a rental house across town. Things are pretty friendly with my ex and even though he technically has them EOWE, he sees them a few times a week, whether he stops by for lunch or picks one or both up for dinner.
My almost 3 year old is having a REALLY hard time with the transition between "daddy's house" & "mommy's house." The first few weekend visits my ex had them, he was letting them stay up really late, giving them a bunch of candy, letting them sleep in bed with him, etc. When they come home to my house, they have a bedtime (in their own beds) and they get the occasional treat. Over the past three weeks or so, my son has become almost impossible to put to bed-- he's refusing to take naps and bedtime has become a three hour ordeal. He doesn't want me to leave his room, he wants me to lay down with him, screams if I leave, gets up, turns on the light, pulls the quilt and sheets off of his bed, makes a mess in his room, and here's the big one: He's taking off his diaper and pooping on the carpet, then walking around and smearing it on the walls.
I talked to my ex about our son's behavior, and he promised to make him start sleeping in his own bed when he visits, and he has, but it hasn't made any difference. I've tried cuddling for a little while on his bed, then leaving. He still freaks out. I've tried sitting on the end of his bed until he falls asleep. He won't sleep with me in there. I tried installing our video monitor so I could at least catch him before he makes a mess-- he unplugs it. I tried putting a potty in his room. I've tried punishments. I've tried bribes. I've tried talking to him, but I'm really not able to reason with a two and a half year old. I've thrown away his favorite books he's pooped on, told him how sad/upset it makes me, made him help me clean the carpet and asked him why he's doing this. Of course, he offers no explanation, but obviously, he's acting out because of all of the turmoil.
I talked to our pediatrician about it this week, and he said that the best thing to do is to try to stay calm and explain to my son that behaving like this will not get him what he wants, and to send him back to his bed. Easier said than done, thought, when I have to completely strip the bed, change the sheets, wipe down the walls and clean the carpet. (Thank you, SpotBot.)
My plan is to try to find a play therapist/child psychologist next week (pedi thought this was a good idea), but in the meantime, does anyone have any additional advice? This was the third time this week the poop incident happened and I'm totally at the end of my rope. Thanks!
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Re: Help with toddler transition after divorce?
This. For the sheets get those suspender things that hold the sheets on the bed. They cross underneath the mattress. It will make it much harder to remove the sheets. Also, duct tape his diaper on. It's not ideal but I've heard it works wonders for kids who remove their diapers. I would also have him sit on the potty before bed.
DD is 3 1/2 - Was just shy of three when XH moved out of the house last winter. She did the same thing where she did not want to sleep alone and threw a fit when I left.
I kept to my schedule in putting her to bed and I laid down with her. Sometimes she would hit me. If she hit, I'd get up quietly and walk into the next room and she'd cry and want me back. I'd lay down quietly again with her. I didn't talk to her, but I would put a hand on her back or hold her hand. Sometimes she'd hit again. I'd repeat and get up and leave the room for a little bit longer. She'd cry she would want me back and I'd lay down with her. She usually quit hitting because she realized I would just leave and she did not want that. She would toss, turn, and cry but I would just lay beside her quietly and pretend to sleep. If I could make her believe I was sleeping (and sometimes I did), she would fall asleep.
She would get out of bed too and I would go get her and lay her in bed. I kept doing it over and over.
It got mentally exhausting and it was tough. One night I broke down and cried. A lot was going on and I was emotionally exhausted and just couldn't hold it in any longer. I sat and bawled. As soon as she noticed I was genuinely upset and sad, she quieted down, gave me a hug and a kiss and told me she was sorry, and like a light switch, she was done with her fit. I don't recommend you do this, but it is okay if you break down - just don't do it every time or often. I try real hard not to let her see me upset, but sometimes, you just can't stop the tears. I made a point to smile and wipe the tears away as quickly as I could and let her know I was okay.
Eventually it got better and she now likes to test and challenge me in other ways. So expect it to come out in other ways. Just stick with being firm and resolute
As far as your ex - if he's like my ex, he'd rather just give them what they want than tough out the tantrums, crying, and whining. It's counter active to your plan and you have to keep working and communicating with him too.
If you get along with him, how about inviting to the counselor appointment? Maybe a neutral party can help with the reinforcement that structure and healthy discipline is necessary with the kids.
XH and I have our moments but he is getting more an more on board with being consistent. We both won't be eye to eye on everything and I know he will cave quicker than me, but I have to just let some things go and re-inforce the rules and structure in my home.
I will definitely invite my ex to the appointment-- His work schedule is kind of crazy, so he may or may not be able to make it, but I hope so! He's been very sympathetic to how tough this behavior is on me-- I have been hesitant to tell him how I think she should parent when he has them, but he has been very open to doing what I ask to make things easier for me.
We're trying to work on our friendship-- We believe that it's best for the boys if we can all spend time together, especially for birthdays and holidays,etc. Neither one of us wants to miss time with our boys because we can't handle being around each other. Anyway, I'm hopeful we can work together to make our boys feel better about this transition.