s/o Mommy Wars

CnAnA · August 2013

Ok, bear with me here. It's been a long 45 minutes trying to get my kid to effing sleep already, and I've done quite a bit of thinking. Long train of thought that may or may not have crashed a few times along the way.

We, as far as I can tell, are all good moms on this board. We genuinely care for our babies, and do what we deem appropriate in the proper caring of them. Sure, we disagree sometimes, but that's part of humanity. A part that I actually enjoy. Life would be boring if we all agreed.

Anyway, what would a mom have to do to be classified a bad mom? I tend to lean towards the "as long as the child is fed, clothed, and safe, it's none of my business" outlook. But what about all those heathen bastard children we see everywhere? You know, the ones who are into absolutely everything, and the mom is standing there oblivious. The one who demands at the top of his lungs that Mommy will buy him this toy, and she buys it for him because, well, he wanted it. The one who informs his mother he doesn't want to skip recess even though the doctor said he needed to because he has bronchitis, so can the teacher have indoor recess for her class today. (Yes, I've seen it requested. True story.)

Is that kid just out of control, or does he have a bad mom? Is the mom a "bad mom" or just woefully unprepared for the rottenness that will more than likely come out of this method of child-rearing?

I mean, obviously the crack whore who sells her daughter to get another hit is a bad mom. But where is the line between misguided and straight up bad?

CnAnA · August 2013

dotmbc said:

I don't think you can base a bad mom label on any one action. We all have breaking points. We all just give in now and then. We all need a break every once in A while. In order to classify a bad mom, you would need to see a long history of behavior.

But what kind of behavior? I mean, does constantly catering to your child's every want and desire constitute a "bad" mom, or just a misguided one? What type of action can earn you a mark in the "bad" category?

CnAnA · August 2013

I agree, neglect does automatically = bad, IMO. And I don't think spoiling in and of itself = bad. But it definitely doesn't do the kid any favors.

So, riddle me this. Little Johnny is 8 years old. Single mom gets home from work at 6pm. Little Johnny gets home from school at 3pm. There is no family around to babysit, she cannot afford daycare, Boys & Girls Club, etc. Only option is to either quit her job (which won't help anybody) or for Little Johnny to be home by himself for 3 hours. Is this a mark in the "bad" column?

IMO, it's not...depending on the child. I have met some 8 year olds who are just fine on their own for a couple or three hours. I have also met some 8 year olds who would not be just fine on their own for that long. And the fact the mom is actively trying to provide for her little family is a mark in her favor as well.

CnAnA · August 2013

@dotmbc, I agree. leaving your kid at home alone to go get drunk at a party is not a good idea until the kid is well old enough to take care of themselves.

Now, what about the more touchy stuff? Like a mom who badmouths her ex husband (baby daddy) in front of the kids? One who yells at a kid to get their attention. Not just "Johhny! Back up from there, you'll get hurt!" but more, "JOHNNY!!!! I HAVE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES TO GET AWAY FROM THAT! WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME??" (again, heard it done.) One who is so completely overwhelmed with work and friend drama or whatever to really sit down and have one on one time with the kid/s?

I am just talking out loud. I am not pointing fingers at anybody, especially not anybody here. Honestly, the constant screaming every time I put Alice in her crib has got me paranoid that the neighbors in a 3 mile radius can hear her scream and think I'm a bad mom.

CnAnA · August 2013

LOL I'm not looking for drama specifically. Just pondering how badly I can screw up and for how long before I get labeled.

CnAnA · August 2013

@dotmbc, you're good for my ego.

lady dixneuf · August 2013

SD's BM is a bad mom. She says horrible unspeakable things to her. She is selfish and pretends to only want what's best for the child but it's really what's best for her. She provides no structure for her. She loses her temper and goes into white light rages that she doesn't remember later.

It's too much to get into but she is truly a bad mom and honestly, a bad person.

JoNi2010 · August 2013

mrs.ike said:

LOL I'm not looking for drama specifically. Just pondering how badly I can screw up and for how long before I get labeled.

I've probably been called a bad mom already! We did Ferber for sleep training when we were in apartments and boy there were nights when my LO wailed for a good while. I was surprised no one called Child Protective Services!!

Anyway, I'm butting in real quick before I go to sleep, I agree that you kind of have to look at the history and the big picture... can't just take one small incident to label the person a bad mom. One of my former co-workers had a 6year old daughter who I thought got away with way too much. I mean, we could not sit through a 30minute meal without her running around or my co-worker ordering 2nd or 3rd items on the menu to appease her. Yeah, it's easy to label her as a "bad mom" because she did not set limits. But we were working 80hour weeks at that time and she told me that the little time she did see her daughter, she did not want to be disciplining her. That is very understandable. Tough situations...

Obviously I'm sure when there is a "bad mom," everyone will uniformly agree (ie obvious neglect, drinking while leaving kid at home, etc) but the other smaller stuff I guess is just open to debate.

CnAnA · August 2013

Wow. Is she truly screwed up in the head or is she just a twat?

I have FB friends that are all "my lyfe is SOOOOOOO hard!!! Why won't any1 watch my 4 kids??? I gotta go get my drink on, and these kids have been up my ass all day!!"

It makes me wonder if they say things like that to the kids or if they're just showing off for the internets, kwim?

lady dixneuf · August 2013

mrs.ike said:
Wow. Is she truly screwed up in the head or is she just a twat?
I have FB friends that are all "my lyfe is SOOOOOOO hard!!! Why won't any1 watch my 4 kids??? I gotta go get my drink on, and these kids have been up my ass all day!!"
It makes me wonder if they say things like that to the kids or if they're just showing off for the internets, kwim?

Are you asking me or Joni?

CnAnA · August 2013

lady dixneuf said:

Wow. Is she truly screwed up in the head or is she just a twat?
I have FB friends that are all "my lyfe is SOOOOOOO hard!!! Why won't any1 watch my 4 kids??? I gotta go get my drink on, and these kids have been up my ass all day!!"
It makes me wonder if they say things like that to the kids or if they're just showing off for the internets, kwim?
Are you asking me or Joni?

Sorry, was asking you. I didn't see Joni's post when I replied. LOL

lady dixneuf · August 2013

Yeah she's mentally ill. Google borderline personality disorder. She also grew up wealthy and incredibly spoiled.

You cannot even imagine how much $ in lawyers we have spent.
I recently dropped my restraining order

CnAnA · August 2013

wow, dix. that's sad for your SD.

lady dixneuf · August 2013

mrs.ike said:
wow, dix. that's sad for your SD.

It's very heartbreakingly sad.

ChrisG83 · August 2013

I think not protecting your kids from any kind of physical abuse or mental abuse is being a bad mom. Lets say my husband hits me and my kids or even just having the kids watch a parent beat another parent and never leave, I think that is being a bad mom. I also think constantly getting black out drunk and passing out while your kids are awake is being a bad mom.

JoNi2010 · August 2013

mrs.ike said:

lady dixneuf said:

Wow. Is she truly screwed up in the head or is she just a twat?
I have FB friends that are all "my lyfe is SOOOOOOO hard!!! Why won't any1 watch my 4 kids??? I gotta go get my drink on, and these kids have been up my ass all day!!"
It makes me wonder if they say things like that to the kids or if they're just showing off for the internets, kwim?
Are you asking me or Joni?

Sorry, was asking you. I didn't see Joni's post when I replied. LOL

LOL, I was wondering the same thing when I went back and read this thread intially!!

lady dixneuf · August 2013

Sometimes I feel bad for letting SD be with her mom but short of being really aggressive legally there is not much I can do. She's not (as far as I know) physically abusive (yet). I mean is it any better to keep this child from her mom? It is such a difficult situation

hilsy85 · August 2013

I think there's a difference between being a bad mom and beinga mom who makes poor decisions...the latter is much more common IMO. To me, a bad mom in part is one who doesn't have her child's best interests at heart, and is making decisions based solely on. What is best for her regardless of how it affects the child.

wesleycrusher · August 2013

wonknessmonster said:

I think some moms are outright bad moms and other moms make bad choices because they didn't know better/realize they are making a mistake. If I see something that I feel is (or is clearly) abuse, yes, I have a bad mom reaction. In the latter bad choices case...e.g. my ex bf did not get past grade 9 because he didn't feel like going and his mom was so damn permissive he did not go to school after that. He just sat in his room and smoked pot. And as much as I love her, I really think she and his dad made a terrible parenting choice. He's still doing this. He has a ruined life. If that was my kid, I say. I'd pick him up by the seat of his pants and personally escort him to his desk each morning. But who knows, really. Could I really have done it? Did they try? So much context there. ETA: that loser was my bf in a time when he was pretending not to be himself, and was making an attempt at independence. After we broke up, back to his parents' basement he went.

This is like my brother. He did not graduate high school (dropped out). I wouldn't say my parents are bad parents (all the other sibs have gone/are going to college). You are right when you say there is a lot of context that goes into a situation like that.

and I agree with @hilsy85

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