What helps you mentally?

Lavender P · August 2013

I know that the title of this post is rather weird, but I wasn't sure what else to call it. Anyway, I will give you some backstory first and then I need some advice. We only have EOWE and holidays according to the CO. It was done while DH was in the military and he was overseas at the time anyway. He has been in school for the past several years getting a degree and now further education to help our family so we havent gone for more custody. So BM took her vacation with SS for a week but the way she scheduled it ended up that we haven't seen SS for almost four weeks, including on DH's birthday. On DH's birthday the CO says we get SS, but SS was on vacation with BM. SS called DH but DH was at work and missed the callled. He called SS back, but BM'S did not tell him. DH tried calling BM a few times and texted saying that he wanted ro talk to SS. Today after over two weeks, BM calls DH back and says SS is mad that DH didn't call him back or include him in his birthday. DH argued that he did call and tried to talk to SS but BM as always didn't pick up. She said SS feels like he is never included in our family. However, we always ask BM well in advance of we can have him, but she always says no, or tells SS we don't want him. DH asked if we could have some time with SS this weekend, even though it is not ours, and she said to ask SS. SS said of course he wants tomsee his dad. BM got mad and reiterating that SS was really angry and was crying over the issue. I do believe that he cried because he is very sensitive and God only know what she told him. DH reassured SS and didn't think that anything was wrong. We thought that was the end of it but then BM texts DH at 10 pm saying that SS changed his mind. BM has a history of saying things to SS about how we don't love him or want him. He is 10 and old enough to know that his mom is lying and will even say so, but when he spends so much time with her in a row, he starts believing the crap she tells him. DH just texted BM back saying he will call SS tomorrow and that they will discuss it. He was so calm and cool about it all. So my question is, what helps you mentally get through all the bullshit that sometimes just makes you want to scream? I get that I had a very privileged upbringing and maybe that led me to be less able to handle stress. I need a coping skill to get me through dealing with BM's stupid antics. We have 8 more years of this and I don't know if I can do it. I love my DH and we have an amazing relationship. We don't even fight over BM and her ridiculousness. It is just a personal struggle that I need to deal with. I told DH that maybe I should get some therapy and he was not okay with thinking that BM would cause me to go to therapy....

Ilumine · August 2013

I am about to sound mean, but it is not because I am trying to come down on you or your choices. But what keeps me sane is actually DOING something to CHANGE my situation.

1) I would not have be bitching about my SS not being with us on DH's time because I would have pushed DH to enforce the CO.

2) Instead of being pissed at BM for not giving us more time outside of the CO, I would have helped DH fight for more legal custody time.

It took me a couple years with DH to finally get that the concepts through both of our heads.

a) If you do not do something about your situation, you have no right to kvetch.

b) When you are actively WORKING at changing your situation, the stress levels, the anger, even the disappointments are different and easier to handle.

So contact a lawyer. Even if it means going to school part-time for a while.

MommyEllenSue · August 2013

llumine said it very well! There will always be stress but when you do the things she suggested you will be amazed at the difference.

Hopeforthebest · August 2013

I'll agree for the most part with what PP says. I'll add however that you must also decide what fights are worth fighting and which ones are not.

For sure CO'd time being enforced is worth the fight. It's already in there, don't let BM call the shots. Stick to the CO. If your DH has allowed her to call the shots and not been following the CO this might take some head butting and additional frustration. File contempt if need, be until she realizes he is serious she is gonna get away with as much as he has let her. Why wouldn't she, it is working for her.

Also make time for yourself. Get away from the crazy every now and then and make sure you aren't fighting the fight FOR him and he is doing the work to set things straight.

Good Luck. This board and these ladies are pretty darn smart and have kept me from going off the deep end on more than one occasion.

Lavender P · August 2013

Thanks ladies. I do realize that part of the problem is DH. He has decided that most battles aren't worth fighting and that leads to more frustration. I understand why, but it is hard to deal with and I do need to let it go. Before I was in the picture BM accused DH of all kinds of things and he spent thousands of dollars fighting all her accusations. Now he just doesn't want to spend more money in court. We do need more CO time and it is up to DH to want it and get it. I think my frustration may be that he wants it, but not enough to do anything. He keeps saying when he is done with school he will go for more custody. I think that may just be lip service, but I guess we'll find out. In general, I get along fine with BM and we are always very cordial to one another. I think part of the problem for me, is that she acts so nice for a while and then I'm always shocked when she goes back to being a bitch. I know it's coming but I let myself hope maybe she is growing up. I know we will have to deal with her on some level after SS is 18, but seeing her on special occasions or milestones is much more bearable then having to deal with her power struggle of controlling SS. I'm not under any delusions in believing she won't continue to mentally manipulate him then, but as a grown up I'm hoping he will have more sense into what she is doing then as a 10 year old.

2chatter · August 2013

So you have to take me with a grain of salt, as my experience is certainly not the only possible outcome. But I pushed DH to get more time with his kids for the same reasons you list, at the same age range. DH saw his kids more (no weeknights were in the CO, BM manipulated the weekend times, we put a stop to those things, picked up extra time on BM's weekends). It did not make any difference. BM says awful things to the children and actively tries to brainwash them. She has a reassembled photo album that she pulled all the pictures of DH out of that she goes through with the kids and tells them stories about their childhoods. "Mommy took you to the park every day, Daddy never came." (picture of mom and kids at park - DH was behind the camera). "Daddy never changed a single diaper and thought you were gross." (smiling pics of mom and babies in diapers). Mommy did Boy Scouts and Indian Princesses with you (insert pic of the rare time BM was around).

If you are facing that kind of alienation, and it sounds like you are, only a DRASTIC change in custody and counseling are going to help. The skids here think DH is a moron, good only to fund things for them. All evidence is to the contrary; DH is the only parent who makes sure things are taken care of; BM destroys things. SD is blackballed in the dance community where she lives and cannot take lessons/be part of the production groups due to BM's behavior - it's that bad. But still, they side with BM.

So what can you do, mentally? I have found great peace in accepting it. I accepted that BM is crazy. That she does and says things to children that make my heart hurt. That there will be insanity, and all we can do is produce the same, stable home we always have. We live by the CO and we counter the things BM says. Divorce Poison was helpful for me early on to not feel so overwhelmed by it all. I had to accept that because DH didn't want to battle for more custody and I did not want to raise the racist, hateful children that BM has created while DH travels, that this was our normal. I am a planner, a fixer, a mother. Living in this situation is counter to all of my instincts. But I accepted it, and I feel much more at peace. It quieted the inner turmoil in me. What can you let go of in your situation? It isn't my battle, not all of it. And I had to accept that.

Ilumine · August 2013

Lavender P said:

Thanks ladies. I do realize that part of the problem is DH. He has decided that most battles aren't worth fighting and that leads to more frustration... Now he just doesn't want to spend more money in court. We do need more CO time and it is up to DH to want it and get it. I think my frustration may be that he wants it, but not enough to do anything.

Look, my DH was like this. He would bitch and moan about the things BM did in the past, what she was doing presently and how SD and SS were her little pawns.

I finally had to have a CTJ talk, with a couple handful of conversations where I literally walked away from him - a few where I even walked out of the house, to stop his kvetching.

I basically stated that unless you DO something about it, (bm not paying child support or her portion of SS's travel expenses or the StepKids not appreciating what WE do for them but always supporting their "poor mom") then I do not want to hear you complain about it. JUST STOP.

Being married makes you a partner, not whipping post. He is not allowed to take out his frustrations on HIS creation on you.

Lavender P · August 2013

2chatter said:

So you have to take me with a grain of salt, as my experience is certainly not the only possible outcome. But I pushed DH to get more time with his kids for the same reasons you list, at the same age range. DH saw his kids more (no weeknights were in the CO, BM manipulated the weekend times, we put a stop to those things, picked up extra time on BM's weekends). It did not make any difference. BM says awful things to the children and actively tries to brainwash them. She has a reassembled photo album that she pulled all the pictures of DH out of that she goes through with the kids and tells them stories about their childhoods. "Mommy took you to the park every day, Daddy never came." (picture of mom and kids at park - DH was behind the camera). "Daddy never changed a single diaper and thought you were gross." (smiling pics of mom and babies in diapers). Mommy did Boy Scouts and Indian Princesses with you (insert pic of the rare time BM was around).

If you are facing that kind of alienation, and it sounds like you are, only a DRASTIC change in custody and counseling are going to help. The skids here think DH is a moron, good only to fund things for them. All evidence is to the contrary; DH is the only parent who makes sure things are taken care of; BM destroys things. SD is blackballed in the dance community where she lives and cannot take lessons/be part of the production groups due to BM's behavior - it's that bad. But still, they side with BM.

So what can you do, mentally? I have found great peace in accepting it. I accepted that BM is crazy. That she does and says things to children that make my heart hurt. That there will be insanity, and all we can do is produce the same, stable home we always have. We live by the CO and we counter the things BM says. Divorce Poison was helpful for me early on to not feel so overwhelmed by it all. I had to accept that because DH didn't want to battle for more custody and I did not want to raise the racist, hateful children that BM has created while DH travels, that this was our normal. I am a planner, a fixer, a mother. Living in this situation is counter to all of my instincts. But I accepted it, and I feel much more at peace. It quieted the inner turmoil in me. What can you let go of in your situation? It isn't my battle, not all of it. And I had to accept that.

My situation is very similar to yours. BM has three photo albums of SS as a baby and doesn't have a single picture of DH in them. She cut them all out. She tells SS things like "your dad left you and chose to go overseas." We did explain to him that when the military tells you to go somewhere you have to do it. I hear what you are saying and I know that I need to let go and find peace, I'm just trying to figure out how to get there. I do have to keep telling myself it's not my battle, but then I just keep thinking of what a different person he could be if he grew up with us and I'm back to wanting to fix/help him. I have him to have every advantage my DS has, but I know that he won't because the situation is completely different. You are all right in your advice. I'm struggling with the letting it go aspect. I've printed out what you all said so I can keep it in my mind or retread it when I'm frustrated.

Banana44 · August 2013

@Lavender P - the power struggle doesn't end at 18 either. I can tell you this as a child of parents who did this. I am now 40 (well in September I'll be 40) and my parents still try this.

Most likely your SS will learn to deal with this and he'll take over a lot of the stress and management - but I have found the BM's like the one you deal with act out their alienation and guilt trips all the time. My Mom still tries to calculate who sees the grandkids more and my Dad does the same thing. If I take 1 parent on a fun weekend the other parent kvetches! It never ends! Wait until a big event like a wedding - BM will go nuts.

So I guess my point is - find coping skills, cause you're always going to need them. And honestly, my SS (who is also 10) deals with low level alienation from his BM and severe guilt trips, and I have been able to pass my coping skills down to him. It has helped him greatly!

Lavender P · August 2013

Ilumine said:

Lavender P said:

Thanks ladies. I do realize that part of the problem is DH. He has decided that most battles aren't worth fighting and that leads to more frustration... Now he just doesn't want to spend more money in court. We do need more CO time and it is up to DH to want it and get it. I think my frustration may be that he wants it, but not enough to do anything.

Look, my DH was like this. He would bitch and moan about the things BM did in the past, what she was doing presently and how SD and SS were her little pawns.

I finally had to have a CTJ talk, with a couple handful of conversations where I literally walked away from him - a few where I even walked out of the house, to stop his kvetching.

I basically stated that unless you DO something about it, (bm not paying child support or her portion of SS's travel expenses or the StepKids not appreciating what WE do for them but always supporting their "poor mom") then I do not want to hear you complain about it. JUST STOP.

Being married makes you a partner, not whipping post. He is not allowed to take out his frustrations on HIS creation on you.

The thing is that DH will bitch about her being crazy, but he let's it go. He doesn't get mad at me. He doesn't argue with me about it. It doesn't seem to bother him for more than a few minutes. Ive asked him about it and he said that she isn't going to ever change and that is that. I think that I'm caring about this much more than he is and that just tells me that I've got to let it go. I really appreciate all the insight I get from the ladies on this board. I Iove posting here because I know it will be no BS advice and is straightforward but caring. I need friends who understand this and are like this in real life! (none of friends are in Blended families...)

Nineoceans · August 2013

What has helped me is that I have closed the chapter of us getting custody or continuously documenting and taking BM back to court. We did that and could spend our lifetime taking her to court. I have to accept that our court doesn't care.

My friends and I sat down and wrote down the names of everyone who wronged us and then we forgave them. I forgive BM. She will never be the mom or role model I want her to be and SS will be raised differently than DS and my bio kids that's ok.

I also released myself from the responsibility of SS. I am responsible for nothing but to give SS a safe home and listening ear. I'm not responsible for whether he takes piano lessons or gets into a good college or makes the right choices in friends. BM and Dh signed up for that job when they chose to bring SS into the world so all that is on them. I support and encourage Dh but I don't get outraged on his behalf.

Banana44 · August 2013

sorry - bump acting up on me

Sigir · August 2013

Lavender P said:

We do need more CO time and it is up to DH to want it and get it. I think my frustration may be that he wants it, but not enough to do anything. He keeps saying when he is done with school he will go for more custody. .

Just a word of warning, my perspective as a BM. The more time he lets pass wout trying to get more custody, the more precedent he is setting with the status quo. I don't think being in school is a good excuse, and if I was the BM, I would argue that the child has been living in a stable situation for ten years, and that it is not in the child's best interest to change the physical custody arrangements. every day he lets go by reinforces this precedent. Does he think about that side of it ? If so, and he still wants to wait, I agree it could be lip service.

2chatter · August 2013

Nineoceans said:

I also released myself from the responsibility of SS. I am responsible for nothing but to give SS a safe home and listening ear. I'm not responsible for whether he takes piano lessons or gets into a good college or makes the right choices in friends. BM and Dh signed up for that job when they chose to bring SS into the world so all that is on them. I support and encourage Dh but I don't get outraged on his behalf.

This, OMG this.

Lavender P · August 2013

@Banana, you are absolutely right. My DH is in a Bf situation with his bio parents and I think that is why he has much better coping skills for this then I do. His mom still tries to guilt him into things but he knows exactly what she is doing and doesn't let it deter him from having a relationship with his dad. His SM has been a problem lately but that is a whole other story....

@Sigir, we have talked about it and understand that waiting makes it harder. However, DH works full time and is in school four nights a week. We didn't think there would be any judge that would take time away from a BM so that the SC would spend more time at BD's house with his SM. I guess either way it is a gamble to do it now or later.

mccall0113 · August 2013

You will have an uphill battle because there will need to be a drastic change in situation for a CO to be changed. The court does not want to hear that BM is crazy. We are all crazy to someone. You will have to let go of the things that you cannot change or go crazy yourself. I am at this point with my children's father. I have to come to terms with his parenting style. I have to lower expectations. or be consumed.

dmndsr4eva · August 2013

You should NOT be the one pushing your H to do anything or leading the way back to court. HE needs to make decesions regarding his child on his own accord. I am surprised at the advice you were given as people on here tend to also say that it gets very frustrating being the step parent and being the one to have to do all the leg work in regards to dealing with BM and the court/legal stuff. If your H wanted to go to court and get more custody or make contempt charges that should be something he thinks of and initiates, not you. My advice to you is to put H in charge of what goes on with BM. You should not be stressing about it because it is HIS responsibility to negotiate with her regarding their child. That is not your responsibility.

Pamelacake · August 2013

I am sorry for what you are going through and unfortunately, I also agree that there is always a chance to C/O could be changed, even a small part like phone calls, but I think it will be very hard to change it majorly unless something major has happened or BM continuously doesn't follow the C/O. I don't have anyone to talk to about these things either so I talk with my counselor about it every once in a while, and I vent and whine here but I keep most of it to myself and I know that isn't good. Is SS in any kind of therapy? If not DH could put in a request for that if BM isn't willing to comply. It sounds like that may help SS too And.. DH could be involved with the counseling of SS. This also helps with parental alienation and that's what it sounds like BM is doing.

Have you or DH looked into things that can be filed pro se in your court? I would start there and research, then go from there. Most places charge a small filing fee but for some documents there is no fee.

10 years is a long time but anything is possible. I hope things get better for you soon. {hugs}

Lavender P · August 2013

dmndsr4eva said:
You should NOT be the one pushing your H to do anything or leading the way back to court. HE needs to make decesions regarding his child on his own accord. I am surprised at the advice you were given as people on here tend to also say that it gets very frustrating being the step parent and being the one to have to do all the leg work in regards to dealing with BM and the court/legal stuff. If your H wanted to go to court and get more custody or make contempt charges that should be something he thinks of and initiates, not you. My advice to you is to put H in charge of what goes on with BM. You should not be stressing about it because it is HIS responsibility to negotiate with her regarding their child. That is not your responsibility.

I understand what you are saying, but I dont push my DH to do anything in relationship to his son. As a married couple, we discuss everything that would effect our finances and our household in general, but he is solely responsible for all communication and legal decisions relating to SS. I'm not quite sure where you even got the impression that I'm trying to put something I want on DH...

Lavender P · August 2013

Pamelacake said:
I am sorry for what you are going through and unfortunately, I also agree that there is always a chance to C/O could be changed, even a small part like phone calls, but I think it will be very hard to change it majorly unless something major has happened or BM continuously doesn't follow the C/O. I don't have anyone to talk to about these things either so I talk with my counselor about it every once in a while, and I vent and whine here but I keep most of it to myself and I know that isn't good. Is SS in any kind of therapy? If not DH could put in a request for that if BM isn't willing to comply. It sounds like that may help SS too And.. DH could be involved with the counseling of SS. This also helps with parental alienation and that's what it sounds like BM is doing.
Have you or DH looked into things that can be filed pro se in your court? I would start there and research, then go from there. Most places charge a small filing fee but for some documents there is no fee.
10 years is a long time but anything is possible. I hope things get better for you soon. {hugs}

Thanks! SS is not in any type of therapy but definitely should be. The problem is his parents can't agree to anything and both of them just let it go, until something happens and they both point fingers at each other. I think that regardless of what DH thinks I may start talking to a therapist. At the very least I can get some coping skills on how to handle the negativity.

Pamelacake · August 2013

I think that might help you immensely.

I don't talk to my therapist about it as much as I should but I'm sure she talks to SD's main therapist as they are in the same office and she knows I wouldn't mind that.

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