Prenatal Anxiety

Barihoop · August 2013

Hi, and congrats to everyone! I guess this post will serve a dual purpose as an intro and as a way to discuss what I'm feeling (and hopefully get some advice from you ladies).

DH and I "NTNP" unsuccessfully for two years, knowing I had PCOS, then started actively TTC with the help of an RE 7 months ago. His SA showed low morphology, and that combined with my irregular PCOS cycles made my doctor recommend IUI. We did our first IUI on 7/12 and I got my BFP on 7/24. I can't believe it worked the first time, especially given how long this process has taken. I am so excited to finally be pregnant, but my joy is overshadowed by overwhelming anxiety. I guess it just feels "too good to be true," and they always say if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

I am a type one diabetic, and I have four clotting disorders. I also suffered from depression in the past, but it has been ten years since I have had any real symptoms - until now. My medical conditions obviously make me a high risk pregnancy, and with my history of depression coupled with infertility, the idea of being high risk has caused serious anxiety. I have panic attacks every few days about the idea of m/c (shaking, sobbing, shortness of breath). I realize some fear is totally normal, but I feel like it's irrational to be this worked up over it (not to mention unhealthy for me AND for baby). I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to make it stop, and I don't know how to prevent it from happening in the first place.

My diabetes is under excellent control, and I am taking Lovenox (and baby aspirin) for my clotting disorders. I am eating very healthy, mostly whole foods, with the right amounts of fruit, veggies, protein, and carbs, in small portions at least 6x/day. I am also on progesterone supplements (it was 7.1 at 7dpo last cycle, so this is just an extra precaution). I am working very closely with my endocrinologist, RE, and hematologist, as well as a nutritionist. So I am doing literally everything I can. My hcg was 338 at 4w0d and 1071 at 4w3d, so excellent numbers. I just still cannot shake my anxiety, because I know no matter what I do, and no matter what the numbers say, that is no guarantee of anything.

I have my first u/s on Tuesday (5w4d), where I presume all I will see is a sac, and maybe a heartbeat. I am hopeful that it will assuage my anxiety, but every time I get good news, the relief lasts for a day or two, and then I get anxious again.

I sincerely apologize if this is insensitive to those of you who have suffered a loss in the past (and I am so, so sorry that you had to go through that). I am amazed at your strength, and terrified that I would not be able to bounce back as gracefully as you have.

FWIW, I have already spoken to my therapist about this, and while he is supportive, he is also an 80 year old man, so he has no idea what I am going through. He's a genius, really, but he is totally clueless when it comes to female infertility. DH is also wonderful and incredibly supportive, but also just doesn't get it. So I would really appreciate any advice you ladies can give (from anyone - no need to have experienced a loss) for how to relax and deal with my overwhelming fear.

TIA ladies, sorry this got so lengthy, and congrats again.

junebug1027 · August 2013

I get similar feelings too. With my first they told me I was probably going to miscarry (bleeding and low progesterone). Thankfully everything turned out fine. Now I have low progesterone again and can't help but feel those same fears I had during the first few week with my first.

My faith is what is really helping me right now. I have no control over what happens to this little growing baby, but I choose to love it and be thankful whatever the circumstances. If I do have a loss I don't want to have the guilt of being too scared to enjoy the time I did have. Know you aren't alone, but try to enjoy each day!

Barihoop · August 2013

@eme520, I assure you I take no offense, and I appreciate your suggestion. I saw a psychiatrist when my depression was at its peak, most recently in 2003. I haven't had any problems at all since then, so it hasn't been necessary, strictly speaking. My primary hesitation stems from the fact that when I was on antidepressants back then, they were at best ineffective and at worst, damaging (lack of motivation, worsening symptoms, etc.). I realize that both the medical field and I have changed, though, so I am not totally opposed to trying again. I just worry that if I ended up on the wrong medication, it would make my feelings that much worse, and that's all I need right now. I realize that sounds like an excuse, which is not my intention. I will certainly discuss seeing a psychiatrist with my RE and my current therapist next week and see what they think.

To be frank, this whole thing just sucks. I want to get past the hurdles, know baby is fine in there, and just be happy like I'm "supposed" to be.

Barihoop · August 2013

@junebug1027, thank you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it is good to know that I am not the only one experiencing this. I definitely try to find a positive moment (preferably many!) each day, and to touch my belly, or stare at my BFP, and know there's a baby in there. I'm amazed, and thrilled, and so, so excited. I just wish that was all I was feeling. I will definitely try to make more time for the positive and remind myself that what's meant to be will be.

Drgn30 · August 2013

Are we "supposed" to feel happy? Personally, I'm terrified! I don't think I will really feel happy until I get confirmation that there is a healthy baby growing inside me. So you're not alone!

I recommend seeing a female therapist who has gone through pregnancy before. Mine has really been helping me through the anxiety. And not to diminish your feelings, but keep in mind that you may not feel this level of anxiety the entire pregnancy. We're all in a very vulnerable place right now, given the statistics and the long wait before ultrasounds and tests, etc. Be gentle with yourself right now and remember that you're not alone.

Barihoop · August 2013

@eme520 & @Drgn30, that's a good point. I guess there isn't really any one way that we're supposed to feel. I think I just assume, based on societal pressures and what I have seen my friends experience, that feeling elated is what is normal. And while I am very happy, I am more afraid than anything else. Thank you for helping me realize that that's okay, and for reminding me that there is no right way to feel.

GlasgowJen · August 2013

I completely understand your concerns, I feel so anxious myself. I have lost all breast pain symptoms and feel physically great with no nausea or morning sickness. I am just exhausted, possibly from the adrenaline pumping through my body! I sometimes wonder if I am actually pregnant, although 3 home tests and doctors bloods have confirmed.

I woke up last night sweating, having the most horrible dream that I should pack sanitary goods for work as I would most def need them, i could see myself hemorraiging, very disturbing! I called my doctor and he said that having no symptoms is really not alarming and that as long as I'm not bleeding or cramping heavy I should be fine. I don't like this hanging around, waiting, unsure what's going on inside me.

I'm trying not to think about being pregnant. As bizarre as that might sound I just banish thought from my mind and keep busy. I have also promised myself to stop googling symptoms and conditions (which i'm working on! So tempting to ask google question after question).

I tried to fall pregnant for 15 months and was on the waiting list for fertility checks, maybe it just doesn't seem real!? I've booked a scan for next Friday so I hope that will help to ease my fears that a baby is actually inside of me and that this is not all make believe! I hope we can both start to enjoy our pregnancies, possibly a fear of losing something we both so desperately want makes us feel helpless. I think it's important to remember that if you were anything like me, I spent so long worrying I would never fall pregnant, Ive forgotten how much of an achievement it is to be at this stage. I had no idea my worry would be exaggerated when I actually fell pregnant! I bet with the arrival of a first child the worry intensifies more! Lol x

tnishio · August 2013

I have PCOS, Hyperthyroidism, elevated prolactin levels, endometriosis, am 40 & FINALLY got my first BFP a week ago after TTC for 6 years. So I totally get your disbelief that your dream could finally be true. Part of me is refusing to believe until I see the ultrasound on 8/14. I'm a translator so I've been in to see an ultrasound for a woman who was 40 & battling infertility. We got to see a tiny little baby moving & got to see/hear the heartbeat. So this is what I'm expecting to here.
The things that are keeping me sane is my faith in God along with my infertility support group at my church. There is another woman who got pregnant a week before me through IVF (I had an IUI) so we text each other when things start to worry us. I've seen a board for TTTC (trouble trying to conceive) women who finally got pregnant. I can't remember which site though. It's either here, What to Expect, or Baby Bump. Anyway a board like this should really help. You'll be able to talk to women going through the same thing and can ask them questions about if something is normal or not. Hope it gets better for you.

Marusika · August 2013

Barihoop, same here, i`m very anxious, it feels too good to be true. I had a m/c at 6 weeks, then, after 2 years TTC I got pregnant and had a stillbirth at 31 w. Now I`m pregnant from the first try.

I have 3 clotting disorders, I have PAI-1, MTHFR, MTRR, all heterozygote. And I`m concerned because doctors would give me only baby aspirin and not Lovenox.

lms1981 · August 2013

I'm from the March 2014 board (I'm due on the 29th, so I may toggle between boards) and just posted something very similar to this. I have always struggled with anxiety and being pregnant is seeming to amplify it. I worry about everything! I worry a lot about work (stressful job) to begin with but it's gotten even worse. I thought being pregnant would help me put life into perspective and calm down a bit but no such luck...

Not to blabber on about myself. I have no real suggestions, but want you to know you're not alone.

MamaFantastic · August 2013

i'm so sorry

the waiting is torturous, it really is. i think we ALL (anxiety or no anxiety!) can relate to the fact that it's just so hard to sit on our hands and wait wait wait to get some sort of confirmation that there's a real person developing as s/he should inside our bodies. it's so stressful.

regarding your therapist, i do think it would behoove you to reach out to a younger woman who has gone through motherhood herself. after my son was born, i had a bout of anxiety for about 6 months that came out of NOWHERE and really rocked my world. my therapist at the time was pregnant and it was so nice to be able to talk, cry and relate together via the bond of motherhood. i don't think i could have opened up as much or received as much back if i was seeing an elderly man.

Barihoop · August 2013

Thanks for all of your replies, ladies. I would never wish this on anyone, but it does help to know that my feelings are normal and that I'm not alone.

I spoke to my RE today and she said all of her patients feel the same way because of the struggle to get pregnant in the first place, and that it's totally natural. She is confident that each time I get a good result, u/s, etc., that I will feel more comfortable, and said that she would avoid starting meds unless it's "absolutely, life-threateningly necessary," which I don't think it is. It's been several days since I have had an anxiety attack, so I am already feeling better.

Also, today's u/s was PERFECT. Baby is measuring exactly where (s)he should be and is in exactly the right spot. It was so amazing to see the little sac on the screen.

I go back for another u/s at 6w5d (next Wednesday) and another at 7w5d, then I finally move onto my OB, who will do yet ANOTHER u/s at 8w5d, so I will get to see plenty of this baby in the next few weeks, and I love it.

I will still continue to discuss this with my therapist, and if I don't feel it's helping, I may opt to see one of the therapists at my RE's office, both of whom are female and have been pregnant. Hopefully this will continue to get easier every day. In the meantime, I am very grateful for your support and feedback, ladies.

MrsOfficer474 · August 2013

hi ladies. this is my first pregnancy, so I don't have any bad experiences of my own to share, but I still feel the anxiety after realizing how common they actually are. I read this positive affirmation a few threads back that has helped me so much; I don't know who said it, so I unfortunately can't give them credit, but here it is: "Today I am pregnant and today I am happy."

whenever I feel the anxiety gripping me, I repeat this to myself a few times. hope it helps!!!

Barihoop · August 2013

MrsOfficer474 said:
hi ladies. this is my first pregnancy, so I don't have any bad experiences of my own to share, but I still feel the anxiety after realizing how common they actually are. I read this positive affirmation a few threads back that has helped me so much; I don't know who said it, so I unfortunately can't give them credit, but here it is: "Today I am pregnant and today I am happy."

whenever I feel the anxiety gripping me, I repeat this to myself a few times. hope it helps!!!

Love this. Thank you (and to the mystery OP).

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