Newbie with a possible mean girl (SD).
Hi ladies.I've been lurking for a while and finally coming out of the shadows. My DH and his ex aren't on good terms.
I'm a childless SM and need some advice because unfortunately BM will not communicate with us and I'm running into things I just never dreamed would be issues.
For example, last night I was showing SD some pictures of a kids dance/gym place. There was one picture of about 5 girls in tutus dancing around. The little girl in the forefront was Asian.
My SD says "I hate Chinese people".
SERIOUSLY!?!?!? My mouth hit the floor. I was like WHAT? So I asked her why and she just said "because they look weird". I told her that wasn't nice and we should be kind to all different people.
I'm really concerned. Last year she saw a child with Down Syndrome when we were at the Zoo and half whined/half cried that the girl was looking at her with an ugly face, as if it were on purpose.
SD is very young and I don't know BM at all, but I can't imagine she would go around publicly saying these type things. I don't know where she is learning this sort of behavior or if it could actually just be her own opinion. Regardless I'm not comfortable with this type of behavior and luckily last night we were in our own home and not in public when she said it.
SD also tends to be a bit bullyish with her siblings who are a bit older than she is.
DH spoke to her also but really neither of us really know how to handle something with a child so young. She is strong willed-very strong in her opinions. I don't think necessarily just talking to her is going to work.
Re: Newbie with a possible mean girl (SD).
How old is she? And who has primary custody? If you do, then I suggest you get her into some kind of counseling because this is stemming from her own insecurity and not liking herself.
Do homework on bullies. Find out why they bully and what you can do as a parent to counter act that. You need to make a point of addressing these issues each and every time.
I'd discuss it with her teacher and school as well and let her know that you as parents will not tolerate her bully or unkind behavior and you would appreciate being notified so you can address it appropriately.
I'd also expose her more to other people of different nationalities and disabilities. Charity work is not always great in that you are giving back to the community in general and teaches her kindness and caring for other, but you get great exposure to a diverse set of people. She may also develop some empathy.
You should be VERY clear that such unkind talk is not accepted or allowed in your home and have very clear consequences for her actions. She needs to be held accountable each and every time with something more than just a talk.
And then you just need to keep talking thru it and finding out why she says things. She needs to be built back up and made to feel like she matters. She's struggling with some personal issues - so fix that, and I bet you'll see the bullying and prejudicial statements end.
XSD used to call people "retard" and even tho I repeatedly told them "midget" was offensive, to please stop and use "little people", she continued. One day I told her using those words made her look pathetic, unattractive as a person, and very, very small minded - especially since I've told her repeatedly that it's offensive. She didn't like that too much but it made her think because she did stop saying it in front of me.
Again - XSD has serious issues and insecurities. If your SD is young, nip it NOW. As a teenage, I'm afraid the damage was already done and practically irreversible with XSD.
She is preschool age. Missing the cut off for kindergarten this year by 2 months.
BM has primary. DH joint legal with visitation due to military status and being in a separate state.
The thought of her being insecure never occurred to me. She is a pretty little girl and everyone tells her so. The only thing I do recognize is that she has repeated that her mom thinks she is "bad" and the BM says her siblings are the "good ones".
I completely agree with nipping in the bud now for her sake, and selfishly for my own sake. In public I would have DIED had she said that. I know I shouldn't care what people think but I would be mortified if someone thought it was a reflection of me (not knowing I'm not her real mom).
Regardless I feel responsible for this child and helping her move past whatever the issue is causing such reprehensible statements.
I remember your backstory about your SKs and you have the patience of a saint I think. I do hope with early intervention we can have a successful outcome.
Congrats on your new job as well. You have sounded really positive lately.
Thanks twitchy - she's my daughter's age. So yes, I'd agree she is repeating what another parent or adult has said. Children learn prejudice by example.
Her mom totally is screwing with her head. So you will have to counter act that - and if I were your DH, I'd so call BM out on this and let her know that he is fully aware of what she is doing. No child should be made to feel they are loved less than their siblings.
You have a challenge.
If she says such things in public in front of another, if you genuinely look embarrassed - tell her directly and immediately that is not a nice thing to say, have her apologize, and then you apologize to whoever has heard - especially to who it was directed and appears to be insulted. That would be an opportune time to really hit home that this is unacceptable.
ANd then I would tell her privately and a loving way that she can not say these things about others and why and that you'll help her work on it. She needs to know that you and DH are allies, not just punishers. That you still love her and want to help her be better.
Good luck with this. I feel bad for her. A child at that age must be feeling a lot of hurt to be doing this already.
I don't think this means she had a racist parent (definitely possible) but she's asking YOU about different people and you're kind of brushing it under the rug.
Have you ever seen the Anderson Cooper white dolls/black dolls study? The parents of white children were moved to tears because their children consistently said black dolls were ugly and stupid versus the white dolls which were pretty and smart. They were not taught racism they just were not taught anything which lead them to believe they are smart and pretty and people who do not look like them aren't.
When he did the same study with black children the children said all colors were beautiful, everyone was smart etc and that's because culturally black families talk to their children about other races, therefore they have a basis for understanding why people are different and not only that it's ok but that it's a great thing
I would start talking to her about Hispanic, black, Asian heritage. Take her to cultural activities, integrate other cultures into your food and life. She's asking you to tell her about the world there's nothing to be embarrassed about
DH and I spent a lot of time with her last night after her bath talking and reading books to her.
It's hard to hold their attention at this age for a long time, but I think DH may have hit upon something with her.
She was going on and on about why she didn't like Chinese people and DH stopped her and asked her how she would like it if someone didn't like her because of her birthmark.She has a rather large birthmark that isn't obvious upon first glance, but you certainly can see it if you spend a few minutes with her.
She seemed to stop in her tracks and really ponder that. I am planning on getting some books with pictures of all different cultures and really exposing her to more diversity as you all suggested.
BM lives in a pretty homogeneous area so it doesn't surprise me at all that SD hasn't been exposed to seeing different races too often.
We have a memory game with international children; it has always been a great discussion starter about different people. We have always made a point to live in areas that are not homogeonous. We openly talk about how people are different and alike, and watch documentaries together on other cultures. We include skids in these things where possible.
BM does not do these things, is xenophobic to the point that she calls the police if someone is DWB and she does not know them in her neighborhood. She lives in a very very homogeonous area. SD quoted, in fourth grade, the racial statistics for her school versus the school in our neighborhood (there were three black children in her school; ours was 50%). She then said that is why her area and school are better. She claimed to be afraid when we went to the mall, movies or dinner because of "all the black people and Mexicans". We have had zero tolerance for racial slurs; she used to refer to black people using the N word, in public. The best part? BM, who hates black people and will tell people that openly, has been dating a black man for four years.
I am sad to report that if BM is propagating these ideas, and you are not custodial, it's an uphill battle. SD is fine with black people who look like her - ie their clothes are also from Forever 21, they live in a house that looks like hers, their parents drive a Mercedes or Suburban. I am still struggling with her reaction to people who do not look like her in these socioeconomic ways. I agree though, you have to address it head on, with no reservations, and be open and honest about it. Ask open ended questions. Give supportive responses. But talk about it.
Here's a link to the test https://www.cnn.com/2010/US/05/13/doll.study/index.html
They have noticed changes from the original study as in the attitudes of white children have remained the same but the responses of non white children are less "stereotypical" with the help of their parents