Hurt by my own mom. Need somewhere to vent.

noahsmommy81 · August 2013

Hi ladies, So bear in mind the pregnancy hormones may be doing the typing, but I feel so depressed by this. My baby shower was last week and my own mom did not even attend. She lives about 5 hours away and has had over a month's notice for this party (She waited until the week before to tell me all of this..). In her defense though, she recently completed her treatments for breast cancer earlier in the summer (and has been doing wonderfully, praise the lord...) and has used being tired as an excuse not to go. If this were really the case, I would understand completely, but the kicker is, she is going on a 12 hour trip with her brother and his family in the next couple of weeks. And she remains active in her daily life, taking care of my niece, going to exercise class, etc.. she's not disabled by any means. I just feel so hurt because more than likely, this is my last baby and most certainly my last baby shower.. and that is just something you want your mom there for. I have no family where I live, so my shower was fairly small and my mom knew that. When she told me she wasn't able to go, I didn't lose my cool, or get mad.. I just sort of got quiet, as my feelings were truly hurt.. I had to hang up before I cried on the phone in front of her. I'm sure she could tell I was upset.. but I didnt want her to feel guilty. Fast forward more than a week later, I have not received one phone call from my mom checking in, asking how the shower was, checking on her grandson, nothing... I guess I haven't exactly called her either, but my heart is broken and I really don't feel like it at the moment. Sorry for the long, rambling post, I just needed some ears.. My husband has heard enough and I'm too embarrassed to talk to my friends about this.

nawlinsgrl · August 2013

You say this is your last child and last baby shower. Is it your first child?

noahsmommy81 · August 2013

No, I have a 3 year old son.

nicholssquared · August 2013

I'm sorry you're hurt.

To offer a different perspective, your mother lives five hours away and just finished cancer treatments. She doesn't have to be completely 'disabled' to not feel up for a 10 hour round trip for a baby shower. From what you've written, I think she probably was being honest. And even if she wasn't, I'd cut her some slack since she's recovering from cancer. And her trip is in the next couple weeks - who knows, she may end up cancelling on them too? I don't think her plans to go on that trip in a couple weeks have any bearing on her ability to go on a 10 hour trip right now.

Also, did you have a shower with your first? Did she attend that shower? Perhaps she felt it wasn't necessary to attend this shower since she's already been to one?

Disneygeek77 · August 2013

I would give her a break. It sounds like she has a lot on her hands and coming to your sprinkle ? just wasn't a priority. Sure it would have been nice if she could have made it, but again, give the poor woman a break. That is a lot of traveling to ask her to do and I'm sorry but there is a huge difference between her going on a vacation ( and she deserves it) and baby shower. Especially if others will be driving part of the way.

Eleventy11 · August 2013

I agree with other posters. This is not your first child and I'm assuming your mom attended the shower for your first. A five hour one way trip for a 2nd baby shower is probably a bit much. Going on a 12 hour vacation is a little different than a 2nd baby shower.

PrimRoseMama · August 2013

I think you sound ridiculous and self centered. Your mom is allowed to decline an invitation (not a subpoena) to your sprinkle. She is allowed and does not have to justify what she does with her vacation time. She is a grown woman that has been through a life altering event (cancer treatment). She can do whatever she pleases and it's really rude of you to place demands on her time.

I get it, it would be nice if she attended, but it's not your first and only baby shower. It's not some grand life event. It's a party. A small party and its not the end of the world.

Are you serious?

laurakaz13 · August 2013

This is your second child. Your mom just finished CANCER treatment. I wouldn't expect her to travel 5 hours in her condition for a second baby shower. Yes, these are pregnancy hormones speaking. Ugh.

llybeck · August 2013

Having a shower when this is your second child is tacky to me, as it is to most people. But the worst part is that you are upset that after all she has been through, you expect your mother to make a 5 hour drive to come to that nonsense.

Stop being selfish and be happy that you still have your mother and she was able to get through something so devastating, not everyone gets that lucky.

snookums2013 · August 2013

In support of the OP, I can see how you would feel hurt by that. I think it's normal to want some attention when it will soon be shifted off of you and onto your baby and the fact that your mom has been sick probably makes you want attention/ time from her even more. I would say it's understandable that she doesn't want to travel because of the treatments, but it does seem like a bit of a double-standard that she's helping with other grand kids and about to go on an even longer trip. I think it's always hard when the grandparents live closer to one kid vs another.

Do you think maybe your mom doesn't realize how important it was to you since it's not your first shower?

allurea · August 2013

I'm sorry but you're hurt because your mother who not only lives 5 hours away but also recently finished cancer treatment , isn't coming to your SECOND baby shower? You have got to be kidding me? That's not pregnancy hormones, you are just being selfish. How about being happy that the reason she isn't coming is because she's tired and maybe doesn't want to take a 10 hour round trip right now, instead of something like being hospitalized because her treatments didn't work out?

My step-father is about to go through a kidney transplant which he is getting from my mom, they may both miss the birth of my child, their first grandchild and they are upset by this possibility. As much as I want them there, I'd rather they go through with the surgeries so that my step-father can be around for his grand child growing up. Just thought you could use a little reality check about what's important.

BabyCampbell312 · August 2013

PrimRoseMama said:

I think you sound ridiculous and self centered. Your mom is allowed to decline an invitation (not a subpoena) to your sprinkle. She is allowed and does not have to justify what she does with her vacation time. She is a grown woman that has been through a life altering event (cancer treatment). She can do whatever she pleases and it's really rude of you to place demands on her time. I get it, it would be nice if she attended, but it's not your first and only baby shower. It's not some grand life event. It's a party. A small party and its not the end of the world. Are you serious?

I didn't have a shower with my first and won't with my second. So the fact that you are freaking out about someone not coming to your 2nd shower is a little annoying. Not to mention.... your poor mother is battling cancer! C-A-N-C-E-R!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If she wants a vacation after something like that, good for her!

kennazebrowsky · August 2013

nicholssquared said:
I'm sorry you're hurt.

To offer a different perspective, your mother lives five hours away and just finished cancer treatments. She doesn't have to be completely 'disabled' to not feel up for a 10 hour round trip for a baby shower. From what you've written, I think she probably was being honest. And even if she wasn't, I'd cut her some slack since she's recovering from cancer. And her trip is in the next couple weeks - who knows, she may end up cancelling on them too? I don't think her plans to go on that trip in a couple weeks have any bearing on her ability to go on a 10 hour trip right now.

Also, did you have a shower with your first? Did she attend that shower? Perhaps she felt it wasn't necessary to attend this shower since she's already been to one?

This. My mom died when I was 17 so I would give anything for her to even be able to be in my life and kids lives at all. It's just a baby shower. She lives 5 hours away. Get over it.

LWilson82 · August 2013

I'd be sad if my mom didn't attend my baby shower, second shower or not. It's your last baby, you are very pregnant, it's totally normal to be emotional about something like that whether it's rational or not.

Most of us want our mothers during this time and I think it's normal to be emotional over even the tiniest thing. I'd just focus on all the good stuff, such as the fact that your mom is in your life, beating cancer, and the fact that you are about to have a healthy baby whose life your mom will get to share Forget all the other stuff, have fun at the shower anyway, and just try to let go of the little things.

Disneygeek77 · August 2013

LWilson82 said:

I'd be sad if my mom didn't attend my baby shower, second shower or not. It's your last baby, you are very pregnant, it's totally normal to be emotional about something like that whether it's rational or not.

Most of us want our mothers during this time and I think it's normal to be emotional over even the tiniest thing. I'd just focus on all the good stuff, such as the fact that your mom is in your life, beating cancer, and the fact that you are about to have a healthy baby whose life your mom will get to share Forget all the other stuff, have fun at the shower anyway, and just try to let go of the little things.

Sad and disappointed, sure, I get it. But to give her poor mother the silent treatment because she god forbid would rather go on a vacation than a baby shower ? Sorry, OP, but you owe your mom a sincere apology for your bad behavior and should be ashamed of yourself and you should pray that your children will extend to you more empathy, love, understanding and consideration than you have shown your mother.

snickersforeveryone · August 2013

1) maybe your mom is hurt by your reaction considering all she's been through lately, and that's why she's not calling you back.

2) a trip by herself for 5 hours to come to your second baby shower is not the same as going on a long trip with someone else. The other people will likely take on much of the driving. Plus she may just feel better by then.

3) get over yourself. Your mom could have died. She doesn't feel well.

Meery82 · August 2013

I agree with most of the PPs. You're being very selfish. It's not all about you.

CNYBride05 · August 2013

I can see why you'd feel hurt. But 2nd showers are, IMO, tacky. And I agree with PPs - it's a bit much to expect her to drive 10hrs round trip for your 2nd baby shower.

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