Baby Showers

Can't believe I am writing this.

edited July 2013 in Baby Showers

One of my oldest and dearest friends is pregnant and due in Feb.  She's one of the kindest, smartest and hardest working women I know.  I admire her very much.

Here's the issue. 

On Friday, she asked me if I had a busy December (I guess meaning would I be traveling) because her and her H were going to start looking at venues for her baby shower.  She said that since her mother is unable to throw her one (her mom has been long suffering from mental illness and does not have the means) and her MIL is Jewish and doesn't believe in baby showers, she has no choice but to host and plan it herself. Also, my friend is an only child and her H only has brothers (just in case you were wondering why her sibs can't help).

Now, I personally don't have the means financially or space wise (we live in an apt) to throw a shower, but she has a few other close girlfriends that have houses that could possibly serve as a venue and / or they might be willing to split the costs on hosting a baby shower at another venue.  She has not yet told these friends she is expecting, so I can't yet call them to see what they think. 

WWYD in this situation?  Would you tell her not to book something?  I can't promise her other friends are going to want to step up, and if they don't I can't foot the bill for a shower myself.  I know it's not my place to tell her what's proper and what's not, as we are all adults, but I can't help but feel really uncomfortable about this.

I guess what I am asking is would you let a close friend go ahead with this plan?  She is one of those people that just doesn't know any better.

 

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Lilypie - (TUWi)

 

Re: Can't believe I am writing this.

  • if she isn't even far enough along in her PG to feel comfortable telling close friends, I question why she feels comfortable booking a shower venue. seems like there would be plenty of time for that later (if she chose to do so).

    I am a loyal friend, so I would feel compelled to say something. I would wait until the timing is right. some time you two are out together for lunch or shopping. or if you are talking at one of your houses. i would just bring it up gently (and only once) that you have heard that the MTB doesn't throw her own shower. then I would drop it. you said something, it is up to her to figure it out. 

    JMO, of course. 

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  • What do you hope to gain by telling her she can't host her own shower?  I see plenty of people do things that aren't proper etiquette.  I'm headed to a wedding this weekend that is full of faux pas, but telling people that isn't going to accomplish anything but making them angry.  Unless you can say "but I wanted to throw your shower" you just risk alienating her.  Is a a baby shower really worth potentially losing a friend?
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  • I would not say anything unless you and other friends are offering to host.
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  • Thanks for the replies.

    She's a teacher so I am guessing all of the free time is getting to her.  It's obviously way early to plan.

    I am hesitant to say something until I know that the other friends can help.  I don't want to promise something I can't deliver.

     

    BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12

    Lilypie - (TUWi)

     

  • It kind of sounds like she was hint-hinting about wishing somebody would throw her a shower. Am I reading that right? That would have rubbed me the wrong way. But still, if she is truly one of your oldest and dearest, you might want to consider doing something for her. You don't have to have a huge shower with a big venue, but you could always plan to have her closest friends and family over to your apartment for a cozy little gathering. Once she goes public with her pregnancy, if some of her other friends decide they want to get in on the hosting action, then you guys can consider doing something a little bigger. My point is, if you love your friend and would like to have a shower for her, then you can quite easily tell her you want to have a shower for her, which would hopefully nip her own planning in the bud and save her the embarrassment, without you looking like the bad guy pointing out her bad manners.
  • It kind of sounds like she was hint-hinting about wishing somebody would throw her a shower. Am I reading that right? That would have rubbed me the wrong way. But still, if she is truly one of your oldest and dearest, you might want to consider doing something for her. You don't have to have a huge shower with a big venue, but you could always plan to have her closest friends and family over to your apartment for a cozy little gathering. Once she goes public with her pregnancy, if some of her other friends decide they want to get in on the hosting action, then you guys can consider doing something a little bigger. My point is, if you love your friend and would like to have a shower for her, then you can quite easily tell her you want to have a shower for her, which would hopefully nip her own planning in the bud and save her the embarrassment, without you looking like the bad guy pointing out her bad manners.

     

    Hmmm.  That had not crossed my mind-- but I guess it's possible.  We (myself and 3 of her friends) threw her bridal shower last spring so maybe that's what she was doing?

    I would love to have a shower at my place, but apartment living + toddler makes it not really possible.  I can maybe fit 5 people in my living room before it's a fire hazard.

     

    BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12

    Lilypie - (TUWi)

     

  • It kind of sounds like she was hint-hinting about wishing somebody would throw her a shower. Am I reading that right? That would have rubbed me the wrong way. But still, if she is truly one of your oldest and dearest, you might want to consider doing something for her. You don't have to have a huge shower with a big venue, but you could always plan to have her closest friends and family over to your apartment for a cozy little gathering. Once she goes public with her pregnancy, if some of her other friends decide they want to get in on the hosting action, then you guys can consider doing something a little bigger. My point is, if you love your friend and would like to have a shower for her, then you can quite easily tell her you want to have a shower for her, which would hopefully nip her own planning in the bud and save her the embarrassment, without you looking like the bad guy pointing out her bad manners.

     

    Hmmm.  That had not crossed my mind-- but I guess it's possible.  We (myself and 3 of her friends) threw her bridal shower last spring so maybe that's what she was doing?

    I would love to have a shower at my place, but apartment living + toddler makes it not really possible.  I can maybe fit 5 people in my living room before it's a fire hazard.

    If you are wanting to throw or help throw a shower, does your apartment have any kind of clubhouse or rec room that tenants can use that would work?


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  • Well, first I would like to say that Jewish people do believe in baby showers, just not before the baby is born ( it is considered bad luck ).  There is still a chance her MIL will do something after the baby is born. 

     

    Other than that, I just don't know.  My feeling is that some people simply don't get baby showers just like some people don't get sweet sixteen parties or a car when they get their license.  However, how do you say this to a good friend  ?  Maybe just gently remind her that it isn't polite to throw a party where the sole purpose is to shower you with gifts ?

  • I would say what Joy suggested.

    Also, can she really not cancel a reservation in December if someone offers her a shower in a month or two?  Some places require deposits but I would think you could cancel that far out.  If she will lose money, then I lean towards saying something about how early it is and that she has to give people a chance to offer a shower first.  If she won't lose any money, don't bother saying anything now and just ask the friends if they want to go in together once they know about it.
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    Meery82 said:
    I would not say anything unless you and other friends are offering to host.
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  • I would say to her, why don't you hold off and see if someone offers to host a shower for you? It is a little early to plan and since no one knows you are pregnant, you never know!

    I know I was surprised at the people who offered for me, it was a nice surprise!
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  • I would say something to her.  It's very possible that she just doesn't know that it's improper for her to throw her own shower.  If a dear friend won't tell her that she's making a faux pas, then who will? 

    You don't have to be preachy about it, but saying "You know, I've heard and read in several places that it's really poor form to throw your own shower.  Maybe you should wait to see if someone will host for you; you still have lots of time before your due date for someone to offer."  Then drop it. 

  • If it were me, I wouldn't say anything to her about the etiquette of throwing her own shower, but my reasoning is because I've been burned before when I've tried to politely and quietly steer someone away from doing a massive faux-pas like that. I wouldn't want to ruin the friendship.

    In my circle of friends and acquaintances, no one really abides by etiquette as much as I do, so I tend to look like the party pooper, making everyone feel defensive about their 2nd and 3rd showers, lack of thank you notes, and so forth.

    Also, I'd be afraid to steer her away from throwing her own shower especially if I had no intentions of throwing it for her. Say you do convince her to not throw a baby shower for herself, but then you don't step up to the plate and throw one for her. What if no one else offers? She might throw something together at the last minute, but she might be a little resentful.

    Good luck with whatever you choose to do, though! This is a tough spot to be in.
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  • I would politely tell her before she commits a faux pas and could risk people talking behind her back, and then in the next breath remind her that many hostesses don't offer until after the anatomy scan so she has time. I would try to tell her before she books a venue so she doesn't lose any money as well.

  • I wouldn't say anything unless you're prepared to host a shower. I'm not in favor of people hosting their own showers, but I wouldn't alienate my friend over this.


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