Acknowledging other losses-ticker warning, pregnancy mentioned

angelsnight · August 2013

Ticker warning, pregnancy mentioned

Before we lost Kayla, we lost our first pregnancy early on at just over four weeks. Of course all losses are painful and at the time I was devestated. I still wonder today about that baby, he or she would be turning one year old in a few weeks. But of course compared to losing Kayla, an early loss is just on such a different scale.

Since we are now pregnant with what we hope is our rainbow, I am worried about how to handle the "is this your first"? questions. I hope to be brave enough to be able to say no, we lost our daughter in the second trimester, or something to that affect as I think that I would feel horribly guilty if I said yes this is our first, as if not acknowledging Kayla existed (though I know sometimes it just comes out and you don't always want to share something so private with strangers making small talk).

But I am wondering what other loss moms do if they had other losses. Like I said, I know early losses are incredibly painful, and he or she was and always will be our baby despite our short time, but I can't even begin to think of him or her on the same level as Kayla. I carried her for 22 weeks and felt her inside of me, gave birth to her, I held her in my arms, we had a funeral for her. She will always be my first born, even though she was my second pregnancy. We had our first baby for such a very short time, lost it just 4 days after our BFP, we don't know if it was a girl or a boy, we didn't even have time to come up with a nickname. I just feel in such limbo over it, like it's wrong to recognize that I have two babies in Heaven but it feels wrong not to as well.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · August 2013

***siggy warning***

When this question comes up, I start by simply saying "No." If people then continue with "Oh, how many other kids do you have?" I say I have a son. If they start asking how old etc. then I tell them he's in heaven. Some people stop at one question, others continue. DH and I decided a long time ago that we'd always say we have a son. I also like talking about what happened, simply because you come to find out that you're not alone in this journey a lot or times or I'm at the very least, educating people. This is a very personal decision and there is no right or wrong answer. Some people will say "yes, this is my only" when a stranger asks, some don't. You'll figure out your answer in time. Regardless of how you answer, Kayla knows you love her.

cawettig · August 2013

I understand what you are saying. I have a ds and dd from a previous marriage. With my last pregnancy I was pregnant with twins. We lost one at 12 weeks. Then I lost Arianna at 38 weeks. With this pregnancy I am medically considered pregnant with my fifth baby. When people ask me how many kids I have I say three. I don't mention the loss of the twin because loosing the twin was painful at the time but nothing like loosing Arianna. I try to change the subject before they ask the ages. If they do though I say ds is 10 dd is 8 and Arianna would be 3 months and 3 weeks old right now. Most of them do not understand the would be part. Others move on with the conversation because they understand what I ment. I will never deny her. I will always call her my third because she was and always will be.

Noethola · August 2013

I have not had any miscarriages, so I am not sure how I would respond in that situation.

I do acknowledge my daughter. I say "no" when asked if this is my first pregnancy. I say "yes" if people ask if I have children. I approach it a lot like Flutter. I don't tell the whole story unless people keep asking. Then I say, "our daughter Elsie was stillborn." I see it as my job to help educate where I can, and I have no problem talking about her. Its the only way I get to share her life with others.

Heatherhah · August 2013

I have as you can tell by my Siggy I have had a m/c at 9 1/2 weeks and a cp at like 4wks 5 days and then I have ds 19 , DD5 and our rainbow 8 months plus of course Sydney. I agree my early loss was upsetting and I thought getting through that was tough but nothing was as hard as delivering my 10lb 3 oz baby girl at 38 wks 4 days as she was born still. I hate to say that there is a difference but there truly is a difference. With my m/c we had no idea what the baby was there was not enough tissue to test but with Sydney she was 10lbs 3 oz and ready to be born. I tell people I have 4 kids 3 with feet and 1 with wings who was stillborn if they ask more I tell them. Or I just say I lost our middle daughter who would have been 2. Generally they stop asking questions after that. I have to admit that after I lost Sydney my m/c and cp seemed to sting more too. I keep thinking I should have 6 babies but I have 3 here with me. It sucks.

Hugs mama!!!

Heather

lrichmond86 · August 2013

This has always been one of the harder parts of being a loss mom. When I'm asked I don't always say the same thing. If it's a complete stranger, someone I'll never see again, I usually say, "this is our first daughter". Then I think a nice thought for my son. Of its someone I'll likely see again, like a new co-worker, I usually say, we have a son who passed away. I've never gotten anything but a supportive response when I phrase it this way and people rarely ask anything else. Big hugs. I know it's a sucky position to be in.

shandorfml2 · August 2013

I've struggled with these thoughts as well. I've talked about it at my support group and therapy. Sometimes, the ladies on TTCAL talk about a loss is a loss, but I'm not sure I completely agree. I am sure those experiencing mc and cps and so forth are devastated, but I see the loss of our babies more closely related to child loss. Giving birth, knowing the gender and name, having nurseries ready...it's much different than a loss early on. Lots of hugs to you ladies.

I always acknowledge Ana, even though its hard and uncomfortable.

hopefulmom88 · August 2013

I have thought about this moment as well. Taylor was my first pregnancy and I am currently not pregnant. I don't know yet what I will say when people ask. I think it really will depend on the person and how I'm feeling that day. I don't like crying in public so if I am not feeling strong that day I will probably just say this is my first pregnancy. I haven't talked to my husband about it yet and don't know what his thoughts are on it. Big Hugs to everyone and I think that no matter what we decide to say our babies know that we love them.

angelsnight · August 2013

shandorfml2 said:

I've struggled with these thoughts as well. I've talked about it at my support group and therapy. Sometimes, the ladies on TTCAL talk about a loss is a loss, but I'm not sure I completely agree. I am sure those experiencing mc and cps and so forth are devastated, but I see the loss of our babies more closely related to child loss. Giving birth, knowing the gender and name, having nurseries ready...it's much different than a loss early on. Lots of hugs to you ladies.

I always acknowledge Ana, even though its hard and uncomfortable.

Thank you ladies! I think the big thing is I felt like a bad mom for sometimes not acknowledging my first pregnancy that we lost, but Shandorfml I completely agree...a loss is a loss as in they're all painful, but an early loss just cannot compare with a later one. I don't even think I can compare my 22 week loss with your full term one. Every day that ticks by our babies become a bigger and bigger part of our lives and it is a bigger devestation when we lose them.

PerkyErky · August 2013

***siggy warning***

I always struggle with how to respond to questions about how many children I have and if this is my first pregnancy.

When I was pregnant with Alice I would tell people that this was our second child, but first pregnancy and baby as I adopted my stepson and was never there for his baby years (he was 2.5 when I got together with my DH).

Now if I say this is my second pregnancy people assume my first was with my son. I feel as though I am allowing Alice to be forgotten or go unacknowledged. I try to say "this is my second pregnancy, but will be our 3rd child, our daughter died at birth." I never want my son to feel different because I didn't carry him in my body and I never want my daughter to be forgotten.

If this baby is a boy I dread the question that people will inevitably ask "oh will you try for a girl?" We have a daughter she's just not here.

I have never had a miscarriage and I do recognize the heartbreak of a miscarriage, but they are different. A loss is a loss, but the magnitude and depth of a late loss is so different than a loss early on. I have found many women who experienced early losses still believe in a "safe zone". I KNOW there is no safe zone.

I think however you choose to acknowledge things is the right way. And depending on who is asking will definitely influence my response. I wish none of us had to navigate this mine field.

BrittianyM · August 2013

We have found ourselves having trouble with this also. Brooke was real and here for 11 weeks. She made a huge impact on this world.

We don't ever want to say she wasn't here but at the same time its hard to have that conversation with others about losing her. Sometimes I feel like people think I am making it up. Strange thought, I know. Everything about losing your child is strange.

Dixon813 · August 2013

I HATE this question! And I've thought about how to answer it the day we lost our babies. "Is this your first?" was a difficult question because I have a 6 year-old step son. So, this pregnancy was MY first, but it wasn't DH's first...so we would often say "This is OUR first, we have shared custody of a 6YO." Before I was pregnant, when I was asked if I had kids I would say "I have a step son."

I told myself when I left the hospital that I wanted to always acknowledge them when asked, however, about a month ago I was getting a pedicure and the lady asked if I had any kids and I responded "I have a step son"...and I felt SO GUILTY about it. I know my babies know I love them. I do hope to be stronger next time - I was just afraid that I would break down that I couldn't say anything...

This question sucks! If you haven't checked out Still Standing Magazine, I highly suggest looking through some of their articles. This topic is addressed often.

I don't think there is a right answer, and I also think that my answer may change over time and based on who I'm talking to...

shandorfml2 · August 2013

lots of love to you all ((hugs))

JessicaG220 · August 2013

I struggle with this, too. I was asked by a new coworker if I have any children, and I debated on my response. But I decided to tell her about Ava. It's hard to choose between sharing something intimate vs sparing someone's feelings. But these babies that we lost were real, living people. They deserve acknowledgement. I know we are all proud of the sweet children we carried and delivered. We should get the same privilege of sharing them with re world as those who have their babies on Earth.

I think deciding to share depends on the situation and audience. I sometimes feel like people think I'm looking for sympathy when I share. Really, I just want people to know that I am a mother of an angel.

Dixon813 · August 2013

JessicaG220 said:

I struggle with this, too. I was asked by a new coworker if I have any children, and I debated on my response. But I decided to tell her about Ava. It's hard to choose between sharing something intimate vs sparing someone's feelings. But these babies that we lost were real, living people. They deserve acknowledgement. I know we are all proud of the sweet children we carried and delivered. We should get the same privilege of sharing them with re world as those who have their babies on Earth. I think deciding to share depends on the situation and audience. I sometimes feel like people think I'm looking for sympathy when I share. Really, I just want people to know that I am a mother of an angel.

Said so well!

JessicaG220 · August 2013

Thanks, @Dixon813! You gals always make me feel better.

Bayberry12 · August 2013

angelsnight said:

But I am wondering what other loss moms do if they had other losses. Like I said, I know early losses are incredibly painful, and he or she was and always will be our baby despite our short time, but I can't even begin to think of him or her on the same level as Kayla. I carried her for 22 weeks and felt her inside of me, gave birth to her, I held her in my arms, we had a funeral for her. She will always be my first born, even though she was my second pregnancy. We had our first baby for such a very short time, lost it just 4 days after our BFP, we don't know if it was a girl or a boy, we didn't even have time to come up with a nickname. I just feel in such limbo over it, like it's wrong to recognize that I have two babies in Heaven but it feels wrong not to as well.

I understand what you are saying. I've had 3 miscarriages; one before my daughter was stillborn and 2 after her. If someone asks if I have any children, I tell them I had a daughter last year but she didn't make it. I rarely talk about or even think about the miscarriages because compared to loosing Stella, my early losses don't even come close to what it was like giving birth to my daughter. However, if someone asks me about trying again or something like that, I tell them I have been pregnant twice since my daughter died.

I think with time you will find what is the best way for you to honor your losses.

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