Need advice (I'm a newbie here)

MaggieF516 · July 2013

Hi ladies, I'm officially joining this group so I thought I would introduce myself a little. I have a one year old son. My ex-boyfriend and I haven't gotten along well for about a year. He also stopped initiating any intimacy the day I found out I was pregnant nearly two years ago and it never returned. This was a huge area of contention in our relationship. The fights have been nonstop for a year. I've felt he was lying to me about many things, however I could never really confirm anything. I put a private investigator on him Friday night and he met up with a girl at a bar. Now it is officially over. I've asked him to move out, but he says that he will not pay any rent if he leaves and our apt is quite expensive. He won't be staying there any longer though until we get the living situation worked out. He has been in a hotel.

I am thinking of trying to work with him on some sort of custody and child support arrangements outside of court. I have done 99.9% of the childcare since our son was born as he allegedly works 80 hrs a week (know way to know if he was even working, he came home many nights at 2 am or later). He now wants our son three nights a week. He makes a very high income ($175k per year) so I think he just wants to get out paying what would be I think $600 per week in child support according to the state calculator. I contacted an atty and they wanted a $7500 retainer! I am so discouraged and I don't know what to do. He has said that he will drag this out in court forever if I try to get sole custody or limit his visits to every other weekend, etc. I feel absolutely awful. Not only am I dealing with the fact that he has cheated on me, but he is trying to make my life miserable by trying to take my son 3 nights a week when he has never even watched him 1 night on his own since he was born! He doesn't even know what food he eats, which diapers he wears, which bottles he uses, etc. It is ridiculous. He loves our son and is great with him, he just doesn't have the ability to watch him 3 days a week. He would just dump him off at his mothers and that makes me so mad. I just feel so discouraged.

Has anyone successfully worked out an informal child support & custody arrangement with the father? My family is PISSED that I don't want to get an atty and they tell me I need to. I just don't want this to cost me thousands why it is battled out in court. It might be easier to work with him.

babymama619 · July 2013

First sorry you have to go through this, but congrats on making decisions that will benefit both you and your son. I'm having my first FWIW so I haven't worked anything out successfully over here.

I think it is always better to have something legal and official worked out. Honestly it benefits both of you to have things written out and not up for debate. If you decide he can have LO for more time than the custody arragement states, then great, but you will not be obliged to cater to his every whim just to make sure you get your CS.If you privately work something out, what's to stop him from just not giving you money one week if a new GF doesn't like it? Or if he just wants to be an ass. Clearly this guy is not trustworthy, so there is no telling what he would do.

As for an attorney, your states attorney's office should handle everything for free. Some people on here may recommend getting private lawyer because it can increase the allotted money and speed up the process. So if you can afford one, it might be worth a meeting.

Here's what it comes down to, you can't worry about being 'nice" in a situation like this. you just need to look at the facts and do what is best for LO. In my opinion that is having everything rock solid, nothing up to subjectivity.

tracy41 · August 2013

Do not try to have informal arrangement with someone who is already screwing with you. I have a fairly informal arrangement with XH for DS1 but even that is guided by a CO and is only due to our mutually erratic work schedules. If you cannot afford an attorney (I certainly couldn't for DS2's custody & support) it is possible to do yourself but it's work. And if most child support offices are like CA they will handle child support, but not custody. If your family is so hyped up about you getting a lawyer are they willing to front the money to start the process?

EarthandFire · August 2013

I’m sorry you have to go through this. Too many people are having to. It’s not easy. I’m no lawyer but I’ve had to deal with similar situation myself for years.

I’m going to assume dad’s name is on the birth certificate. If it’s not, you’re not going to get child support nor is he going to be able to take custody of your DS without going to court and doing a DNA test or his acknowledging paternity. For those women reading this who haven’t had your LO yet and don’t want the father in the picture, don’t list his name on the birth certificate if you can help it and even if you do, think about giving the baby your last name. If “dad” drops out of the picture, think about how you want your child addressed in school. You can always change the name later with the consent of both parents but if he’s being uncooperative, you’re going to be stuck with his last name until the child reaches the age of majority or you take other legal actions.

Maggie – If your X is truly working 80 hours a week, that leaves him an average of 12 hours a day when he’s not working, assuming he gets a paid 1 hour lunch, and most people spend 8 of those 12 hours sleeping so ultimately he has 4 hours to spend with DS. What court is going to give a man visitation 3 nights a week when he only has 4 hours awake time to spend with his son? And that time has to include getting ready for work, commute, eating, etc. Also document when he gets home. What court is going to give him visitation if he’s not even getting home until 2 am. The court is going to take into consideration his rights as the father BUT they are looking at the child’s best interest first and foremost.

Laws differ from state to state but there are a few things you should probably know going in. Right now he could take your DS wherever he wants to and there is nothing you could do about it without a court order stating you’re his physical guardian. Why? Because his name is on the birth certificate and you don’t have a court order. There is a difference between joint custody and physical custody. Joint custody means generally that both parents can make decisions for the child medically, school and otherwise. Physical custody is who the child lives with the majority of the time. You want physical custody. It sounds like he thinks he’s going to get out of paying child support. Not going to happen unless you agree to it. If you have physical custody of the child, he’s paying child support to you. It sounds like he’s trying to scare you into making an agreement out of court that will ultimately be in his favor and you won’t be getting everything you and your DS deserve. This is why I highly recommend a lawyer. His actions have already shown he’s a selfish individual, don’t expect him to change his stripes for his son. Protect yourself now. They make a lot of promises because it’s what society expects of them but when they find out the strain or inconvenience it puts on them, they just don’t follow through.

If you’re scared of the cost of the lawyer, look into something pro-bono. They are out there and it doesn’t mean that they aren’t good lawyers. And don’t be afraid to be honest about your financial situation. You may be able to pay some now and more later once they find out how much you’ll be receiving in child support. A lawyer can also get things started with a temporary court order while you finalize all the details. This will set up temporary visitation requirements, child support and other details about the care of your DS while he tried to tie you up with legal fees through his lawyer. If you really are going to be receiving $2400 a month from him, a temporary court order could help you cover those legal fees.

I don’t know the details between you and he except what you’ve stated. I don’t know his side but I do know what it feels like to be cheated on. It’s hard not to let those feelings towards him as a boyfriend cloud your feelings towards him as your DS’s father. You have to do what’s right for you and DS. I recommend you try to be flexible with him. He may need to take his visitation at your place, work with him on that. Read a book in the bedroom, watch some TV get some work done while he’s there. In my case, my LO and I have been doing just fine without her genetic donor (GD) for years. In my state, receiving child support does not mean that the father gets visitation. You may also want to talk to your local child support enforcement office to find out BUT again if his name is on the birth certificate and you don’t get a court order that you are the physical custodian of your DS he can take him and there is little you can do until you get that court order.

Sorry if I’m rambling. This is something close to me due to my own situation so I’m a bit impassioned about it. This is only my opinion from my own knowledge and each person should do what’s right for their situation but I hope some of the information is helpful.

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