bringing a toddler to a baby shower? (a long vent)

TKtravels · August 2013

My mother is hosting a shower for me.

SIL & her sister have been invited and had RSVP'd that they would be attending. In the RSVP, SIL indicated that her toddler nephew would be attending. They had asked me if it was okay to bring him, and because I couldn't see why it would be a problem and because his mother must either bring him or not attend, I said sure. He's a really sweet, well-behaved little boy, and his mom watches him to keep him from getting into trouble.

Upon seeing the RSVP + toddler, my mother sent me a flood of nasty emails complaining about how rude SIL and her sister are, and she is mad at all of us for not calling a general session to ask for her permission.

My mom does not like SIL. Their strained relationship aside, my mom belongs in yesterday's thread about estranged moms about half of the time. She has canceled my shower once already because I got upset over her completely disregarding my request to keep photos of my uterus and baby off of her facebook and then tagging me in said photos. She also "disowned" me (gave a lengthy speech about how I treat her like shit and that I am dead to her now, and kept it up for 3-4 days) a week before my wedding because she was being left out of some details that she felt should have been about her (for secondary and tertiary events thrown by my ILs, similar to a rehearsal dinner and second reception).

I'm swimming in drama now, and going back and forth between wanting to pop some popcorn and chuckle over how petty and juvenile things get at times, and wanting to call my mom on her behavior. However, if I call attention to things like that fact that SIL apologized to my mom via email (mom states she does not recall this, yet it is in plain text in the email she forwarded me bitching about SIL's behavior) for asking me instead of my mom if the toddler could come, I can pretty much guarantee the shower will be canceled again. And if it gets canceled again, I'm refusing to go for another round.

Is it really that big of a deal to bring a toddler to a family member's shower? And is it really that horrible to ask the MTB instead of the host if the child's attendance is okay?

After receiving SIL's emailed apology, my mom wrote her back saying that the toddler is welcome.. and then sent another email a few hours later stating that the shower is for women only (no men, no children) and that SIL's sister will need to find a babysitter, and as a result, neither SIL nor her sister will be attending. I'm bummed that they backed out (because I enjoy their company, not because I'm trying to be gift grabby), but given my mom's behavior, I can understand why they changed their minds.

And because I have yet to respond to the drama-filled emails filled with complaints directed at SIL from my mom (sent to me 40 minutes ago), my mom is texting me with the same rants about SIL.

Is it September yet?

foxyroxy · August 2013

Is the toddler Chucky? Because if it is Chucky, then I totally get the objection. No evil dolls at a shower, no siree. I don't care if they are family. BUT... if it isn't Chucky and you don't mind, then why not? There were two at mine and they played a very fun game called Throw Away the Wrapping Paper. They loved it and we had less mess.

ravenclaw1 · August 2013

ugh, that's so ridiculous.

I think having toddlers/babies at showers is totally fine, as long as they're well behaved and the mother makes sure to keep them in check.

I'm sorry your mom's being a tool, but it really seems like there's no hope in having a rational conversation. I'm sure your SIL knows your mom is off her rocker, I'd probably just apologize to SIL, try to go have lunch or dinner with her at some point soon, and just move on with the shower as is just to make less drama.

Babybabybabyohhhhhhh · August 2013

I had 2 toddlers at my first shower, and 3 at my second. They didn't get in the way at all and also played the fun throw away the wrapping paper game. I don't understand why your mom is making a big deal about a toddler being there, I'm sorry she is acting that way.

mcg512 · August 2013

When I sent my list of addresses to my sister, I included children, a couple of them being toddlers. There were a couple ladies that I knew would only be able to attend if they brought their child or found a sitter. All of the little girls were super excited to be invited and they played together while we opened gifts, etc. The older ones later offered to carry gifts to my car for me and felt so important doing it. It was really sweet and cute to watch them carefully put the packages in my car. It's your shower, if you're ok with children there then who cares what anyone else thinks!

amaseya · August 2013

We had two at mine. The little girl was super well-behaved and sweet, but my mom's friend's little boy was awful. He kept throwing things, including the center pieces. He was also sitting right next to my dad, who was video taping, and while we were opening gifts he kept shouting, "More clothes! Not this again. This is so stupid. Not more clothes." With variations for each gift. It was pretty annoying and his mom didn't do anything to curb his behavior.

rachelstauf · August 2013

Are our mothers related? They almost have to be. I dealt with drama very similar to this when my SIL had to bring her 19 year old son... who has Down's Syndrome and can't be left alone. He's a great kid and I love him to death and this wasn't bothering me at all, but it caused a huge stink with my mom who thought he shouldn't be there (because he was a teenage boy, not because of his Down's). Ugh, why do mom's have to be so crazy? Know you're not alone and I'm hoping this gets settled easily for you!

EMLYNNLERETTE · August 2013

Your mom sounds like my mom to a T. I have nothing to offer that suck it up and let it go, or unleash the beast (your mom) and feel the relief. I hate those situations because it feels like there is no 'right' answer. Boo for crazy moms.

Mama3+1 · August 2013

Sorry you're dealing with all that. I would send her an email or give her a call and ask if you should bother clearing that day for the event as she obviously doesn't want it to happen unless its all about her. She can throw it for herself.

TKtravels · August 2013

Thanks for all of your responses.

I know there is nothing short of sucking it up that I can do.. unless I wanted to be assertive with my mom and have the excrement hit the fan. I've decided to just let this one go though, even if I am annoyed by it. The most annoying thing is that my mom expects me to agree with her opinions of SIL and my mom's perceived slights and injustices.

The real issue is that SIL is not passive-aggressive and she refuses to play games with my mom. SIL is married to my brother, so she has had a lot of experience with my mom.. including my mom making a scene at their rehearsal dinner because my mom was not getting her way with a "tradition" that my mom insisted they incorporate into their ceremony the following day, and that SIL was not having. SIL ended up calling my mom on her bad behavior (mumbling under her breath, starting to cry, threatening to not come to the wedding, interrupting the minister) at the rehearsal in front of me, my brother, and my mom's friend. My mom found that semi-public chastising to be totally unacceptable and now looks for any little reason to pick at SIL.

If anything, all of this is forcing me to really work on my self control, my deep breathing, my ability to roll with things, and find humor in annoying situations. H, SIL, my brother, and I have started a bet on what the next drama-filled episode will be. Good times are sure to be had by all.

At the end of the day, she is my mom and I love her, but I'd really like it if she could act like a mature woman and not get into these passive-aggressive power struggles with SIL, especially when SIL refuses to engage in them and when it is expected that I will have the same opinions of and blindly back my mom.

Anyway, thanks for listening and commenting!

Lbear8 · August 2013

I went to a shower last month and ended up asking the mother instead of the host if my DD was allowed to attend, just because I was having a conversation with her. I told her I could check with the hostess, but she said don't worry about it and I didn't think anything of it!

A37licia · August 2013

I hate being in the middle of stuff like that, when you didn't invite the drama. Yeah, SIL should have gone right to MIL, but with what you said about their relationship, I can see why she didn't.

I hear you about the struggle of being assertive with your mom and calling her on it (kindly and with respect) but sometimes that's not a battle you want to start unless it's the right time/right place. I just had one of those big talks with my mom last week and it was hard, but producdtive, thankfully. I'm glad, because we'd invited her to be at the birth and this had to do with her being bossy and opinionated, and me not always being respectful in my response (she IS my mom...I seek to honor (but not necessarily agree with) her even if we differ or she intrudes).

There's something slight that I sometimes get texts from SIL and my mom on, about the same issue, that I wish they'd talk to each other about. I try to stay neutral about it and not share much with the other. I've shared more with SIL so she can understand her MIL (my mom) better, things she wouldn't know but shed some light on why she does what she does.

Anyway, I think a lot of us understand in one way or another! Gotta love family drama.

vulpini · August 2013

My shower is coming up in a couple weeks and everyone's infants/toddlers are invited to attend with their mommies. I don't get the big deal about babies/kids at a baby shower. It's not a formal adult event and it's all about celebrating parenthood, so why exclude the guests' kids if they are generally well behaved?

csspencer · August 2013

I'm having at least 3 little kids at my shower this weekend. It never even crossed my mind that it would be an issue. I also had like 4or 5 at my bridal shower and a crap load at my wedding. I love when kids are at things, especially because it often momentarily takes some of the attention away from me (i really hate being center of attention). Only issue I'm having is DH's aunt decided she has to bring his 15 year old male cousin because he can't be left alone. My mom rolled her eyes but went along with it, if it meant DH's aunt could attend.

Burrberrymum · August 2013

We actually told all my friends and family to bring their little ones along so all the kids can have a good time and play together! We just love all of the company whether its kids, adults, elderly, who cares? It's your day and if you felt fine with having a toddler at your shower then that should have been fine for everyone. It's not like you had a petting zoo going on, just one little boy. Sounds so crazy I'm sorry you have to deal with that frustration.

RunningGal900 · August 2013

I actually do think the mother of the little boy should have checked with your mother as the hostess of the shower, but I think your mother is being way overdramatic about this! I can understand a hostess not necessarily wanting kids at her house (assuming that's the shower location), if it's not baby proofed, but I also think she should take into consideration your desire for the mother of the little boy to be there, etc. For my shower, a friend of ours had to bring her 9-month-old with her because she was coming in from out of town. She asked the hostess who in turn asked me.

I'm sorry your mother is making this a bad experience for you and I'm sorry your SIL isn't coming now.

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