Need advice on a sensitive topic

RondackHiker · July 2013

My mom has always been a bit of a worrier, bordering on having anxiety. Obviously, with my nearly being sent to the hospital weekly and being so sick and dropping lots of weight, she's been concerned about me.

But it goes way beyond that. She's terrified I'm going to have a miscarriage.

She had five pregnancies and has four living children. Her miscarriage was really hard. She'd had an ultrasound, heard the heartbeat, and then suddenly miscarried at almost 14 weeks. She spent two nights in the hospital with nurses refusing her pads and yelling at her for messing up the bed with blood, and she saw her baby. :-( More than two decades later she still can barely speak about it, and tears up at the memory. I know it was really hard on her and my dad, and I know she's still heartbroken over the loss.

I feel frustrated by her constantly telling me how worried she is for me and baby, which I KNOW is horrible of me. A nasty part of me wants to tell her that I'm the one that's pregnant, I shouldnt' have to reassure her, but I know she's worried I'll have to face the same loss she did. She obviously doesn't want that for me, and I know I'm just being impatient.

I don't know how to reassure her though. I mean, baby seems to be doing well, but it's fairly clear that I'm doing not-so-well and she knows that dehydration can really risk baby and I.

Can anyone think of anyone to calm her down, other than the twice daily phone calls where she tells me how worried she is and I try to reassure her? I know she doesn't mean to stress me out. I hate that she still struggles this long after her loss... but I don't know what I should do, or if I should do anything. She's driving me a bit batty, but she's been there for me in really rough times so I'll suck it up and not say a word if there's no way to help her calm down.

ellekaysea · July 2013

Are you willing to bring her to one of your appointments with you? Maybe if she hears a professional telling both of you that things are going fine she'll believe it?

LotzaLuvz · July 2013

I don't have much advice. I understand her stressing but, it clearly won't help you if she keeps bringing it up. I'm so sorry. It does hurt like hell to go through that but, this doesn't mean you will.

Noethola · July 2013

I think you will probably just have to tell her. Maybe something like, "Mom, I really appreciate that you care so much about baby and I, but when you constantly tell me how much you worry it really worries me too. Could you please spend the next few weeks encouraging me?"

My mom often has to be told that what she said to be helpful, was not as helpful as she meant it to be. I am sure it is hard because she in no way wants for you to experience the same things that she did. I totally get that. But sometimes people push their fears on other people, and that is not healthy for either one of them. I know losses today are handled much differently, and there is a lot of support out there. Could she perhaps join a support group? Its never too late. I know that could be an awkward conversation, so its just a suggestion.

Kedra231 · July 2013

Hard. I grew up hearing about my mom's miscarriage, too, & when I started bleeding my first pregnancy...ugh.

I don't know what to say. I just told her that I understand what she went through, I KNOW what can happen, but constantly dwelling on it isn't helping. No matter how much you worry, there are some things that are beyond your control. Just tell her that you know it was traumatic for her, but constantly discussing it & worrying about it is NOT helping your nerves any, & that's just one more thing keeping you wound up 24/7. She might not realize how much anxiety she's passing onto you. I'd also tell her that she raised a strong daughter, & if the worst should happen, not only are nurses/hospitals different today, but you won't allow yourself to be treated like that, b/c you've learned from her experience.

Honestly, loss can impact you for the rest of your life, but if she is really struggling this much, has this much anxiety & it's starting to impact you, she needs to talk to someone, & I mean a psychologist, not YOU, an impending mommy.

My mom can't understand how I'm not her carbon copy...it's hard for them to understand. I'm sure she's not doing it on purpose, but for your health, you need to give her a verbal WHOA! Or, talk to your dad, see if maybe he could bring it up easier, but she needs to give you some space.

GL with whatever you do, but please, do something. You need a little bit of a break, & there's a point where the "support" becomes too clingy or too needy, & you DO wind up supporting them, so speak up. There might be some hurt feelings for awhile, but you & baby come first at this point.

jdubh · July 2013

I agree with PP...It may help to take her with you to your next appointment...maybe she can ask your doctor a few questions and help ease her mind.
Good luck!

KTdidit · July 2013

Your mom seems like a sweet lady who is worried for her daughter. It seems like you need to tell her that you appreciate her calling to check up on you and you know that she is scared for you. But she needs to know that her projecting her fears on you constantly is stressing you out which is bad for you and baby too.

Bringing her to an appointment might make her feel better, but only you know if that would help or not.

ellajune2012 · July 2013

Noethola said:

I think you will probably just have to tell her. Maybe something like, "Mom, I really appreciate that you care so much about baby and I, but when you constantly tell me how much you worry it really worries me too. Could you please spend the next few weeks encouraging me?"

I like this a lot.

Also, her experience sounds really traumatic! Has she ever sought counseling for this? In addition to her being worried about you, traumatic experiences can resurface during big life changes - like her daughter getting pregnant and her becoming a grandma. Can you reassure her that things aren't like that anymore? No hospital or doctor's staff will treat you that way - not that it would make a miscarriage easier to go through, but at least it wouldn't be adding trauma on top of an already tragic situation.

Need advice on a sensitive topic

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