Intro: Considering being a GS

starshineamator · July 2013

Hi there. So Spouse and I just had our first (and most likely only) in May (can't get ticker to update), and I'm very seriously considering being a GS for my BIL and SIL, who have been TTC for over 5 years now with no luck. They've tried fertility treatments and multiple rounds of IVF, and it seems that she can't hold a pregnancy. After having a relatively easy pregnancy and childbirth experience, one that I wouldn't mind repeating, I want to help them and give them the child that they've desired for so long. However, I'm totally new to all of this, and thinking about how to go about doing so is a bit overwhelming. I have spoken with her briefly and we have decided to speak with our husbands again and reconvene later to have a more in-depth discussion and nail out some details. Though they are family, Spouse and I want to make sure that we do this legitimately, and have some kind of legal agreement. Anyone have any suggestions on where to start?

In addition, I do have some concerns. She mentioned implanting two embryos; I'm not sure if I feel comfortable carrying twins. I have no idea how I would handle it emotionally if something were to happen, like a miscarriage. If the baby were found to have some kind of genetic abnormality or disease, I would not want to terminate. I also had a home water birth with a CNM with my DD, and would like to repeat that experience. I want to be sure that doing this won't impede upon my DD at all- I plan to let her breastfeed until she self-weans. So she said she'd probably get her eggs frozen now so that they don't deteriorate more (she's 40) and wait til we are ready. SIL said that we wouldn't have me do the fertility treatments, because I'm young (26) and healthy, and go with my normal cycle to determine when to implant, but are there other necessary medications? I'm very much an "all natural" kind of girl and don't like messing with my hormones and taking medications (I also don't do well with needles!). I worry that while I had an easy pregnancy/childbirth the first time, things would be different, and what happens if I'm miserable the whole time, or end up needing interventions (especially a c-section- that possibility terrifies me).

From anyone who has been there before- how did you handle your concerns? Were there any deal breakers for you? Is there anything that I'm not thinking about that I should be? Does anyone have any words of wisdom or advice?

Hope you all don't mind me hanging out around here.

Mama-Bear · July 2013

Wow, there's a lot in your post. First, are you ok if you lose your fertility, it can and does happen (I know you said you'll probably only have 1, if you lose your fertility that choice will be made for you). That's great that you've both already discussed this, so often well meaning women jump the gun and just assume that the other party has a uterine issue or would even be comfortable with another woman carrying her baby. Look over your insurance plan and see what your exclusions are, many have an exclusion for the IP (Intended Parents stating that their insurance won't pay for a surrogate) but will pay for the surrogate once she's pregnant (not all, but this is how many are). Definitely have to have the support of your husbands, there's absolutely NO way you can move forward without everyone being 100% on board. As far as a natural cycle, none of them are totally med free, your BIL/SIL will have to find an RE that's comfortable doing a natural cycle and you'll all have to decide if you're comfortable with his protocol. If you're not comfortable carrying two, DON'T TRANSFER TWO, (never transfer more than you're willing to carry, and there's always the chance of a splitter). What are you thoughts on termination/reduction, what are theirs? LEGAL matters, you each need your own attorney and this is their cost, there are enough places to save money, this is NOT one of those places. Whether your financially compensated or not, everyone needs to be protected (even the baby). Will they be supportive of your birthing choices, it's your body, but it's their baby, they need to feel that their baby will be delivered safely. Has your SIL fully accepted that her inability to carry (assuming her RE says that's the issue, of course all of this is moot if he doesn't think it's a uterine issue)? I spoke to some PIP's (potential IP's) when I first started and decided not to match with them because it was still so raw for the PIM, she couldn't talk about her IF, she had to have her DH say why they needed a GS because it was too painful for her to talk about. Just from the bit you posted I would assume she's ok with it since the two of you have already discussed, but I just wanted to throw that out there.

*not to nit pick, but you don't "implant" embies, your transfer them and pray they implant.

GetwickMom · July 2013

Hi, like everyone has said, Thank you, for considering giving your sister this precious gift. I'm an IP going through this process now, so I may be able to provide a different perspective.

1: from a medical standpoint I would recommend that you both see an MD to determine if GS is needed and if you would qualify. No use worrying if its not n option anyway.

2: from an emotional perspective boh couples need to see a psychologist before agreeing to this. This is standard practice and honestly, I think the familial tie makes it even more important.

3: Should you choose to move forward after doing 1 and 2, then you and the IPs need to very clearly define who gets to make what decisions and what those decisions may be. For example: I'm very fortunate to live in a country that has very strong rights for the IPs. Once the contract is signed and approved by a judge, the law does not recognize the GS's right to make any decisions regarding the pregnancy unless her life is in danger. From the time the embryo is implanted ALL of her OB/Gyn info is open to me and DH. While that may sound harsh, for me it's the only way that I could do this because even if its "cooking" in someone else's womb it's still "my" baby. So be very open about your limits on things like multiples, birth methods, finding out gender, sharing medical information etc. because I can tell you that after being on this IF ride and finally coming to terms with never being pregnant, this is a very emotionally charged experience for IPs and no one needs any more pain. Good luck!

starshineamator · July 2013

Mama-Bear said:

Wow, there's a lot in your post. First, are you ok if you lose your fertility, it can and does happen (I know you said you'll probably only have 1, if you lose your fertility that choice will be made for you). That's great that you've both already discussed this, so often well meaning women jump the gun and just assume that the other party has a uterine issue or would even be comfortable with another woman carrying her baby. Look over your insurance plan and see what your exclusions are, many have an exclusion for the IP (Intended Parents stating that their insurance won't pay for a surrogate) but will pay for the surrogate once she's pregnant (not all, but this is how many are). Definitely have to have the support of your husbands, there's absolutely NO way you can move forward without everyone being 100% on board. As far as a natural cycle, none of them are totally med free, your BIL/SIL will have to find an RE that's comfortable doing a natural cycle and you'll all have to decide if you're comfortable with his protocol. If you're not comfortable carrying two, DON'T TRANSFER TWO, (never transfer more than you're willing to carry, and there's always the chance of a splitter). What are you thoughts on termination/reduction, what are theirs? LEGAL matters, you each need your own attorney and this is their cost, there are enough places to save money, this is NOT one of those places. Whether your financially compensated or not, everyone needs to be protected (even the baby). Will they be supportive of your birthing choices, it's your body, but it's their baby, they need to feel that their baby will be delivered safely. Has your SIL fully accepted that her inability to carry (assuming her RE says that's the issue, of course all of this is moot if he doesn't think it's a uterine issue)? I spoke to some PIP's (potential IP's) when I first started and decided not to match with them because it was still so raw for the PIM, she couldn't talk about her IF, she had to have her DH say why they needed a GS because it was too painful for her to talk about. Just from the bit you posted I would assume she's ok with it since the two of you have already discussed, but I just wanted to throw that out there.

*not to nit pick, but you don't "implant" embies, your transfer them and pray they implant.

Thank you for all of your advice. I haven't looked into the insurance yet, that's on my list of things to do. Our insurance is pretty good but kind of annoying- they told me they'd cover my midwife and home birth 90% and when we submitted the claim, they only covered 25%, so I'm fighting with them over that at the moment. Not entirely confident they'd give us an answer that would stick when it comes down to it. But are you suggesting that I'd somehow possibly be covered under THEIR insurance?

I am ok with losing my fertility - we are pretty set on just having the one. May I ask, what exactly could cause that? Just curious because I don't know much about the procedures. On the same token, thank you for correcting my terminology! As I said, I am brand new to all of this, so I appreciate it!

So we both get an attorney, and we ask them to pay for ours? Spouse and I definitely want to have a lawyer and make sure things don't get messy, but I wasn't sure how that worked with cost. We can't afford to be paying anything oop for this, but we aren't asking them for additional payment over just covering the costs of everything pregnancy-related.

I'm not sure it is a uterine issue- she's always been open with me about their IF and that's why I felt comfortable bringing it up at all. But I don't know all of the details, obviously. So if they say it isn't a uterine issue, even though she hasn't been able to carry a pregnancy, they won't let us do it? Is that right?

starshineamator · July 2013

strudel82 said:

Good for you! This is such an exciting, fulfilling journey to take!

Definitely lots of ground to cover. I agree with MamaBear that starting with looking at your insurance would be a good spot, just to get a grip on expenses for your IPs. I would also look at surrogacy laws in your state so you know what you're dealing with. Even in states where it's illegal, there are ways around it (like delivering a neighboring, surro-friendly state, if it's close), but you'll want to know what you need to do. The other stuff, you can iron out in conversations, but definitely make sure you're all in agreement about cycling, birth plans, etc. before you get started.

I'm most passionate about not transferring more than you're willing to carry. I transferred two embryos with my first pregnancy and while we were blessed with our twins, we learned a hard lesson that multiples pregnancies are NOT easy/uneventful pregnancies a lot of the time. This time, we insisted on transferring one. Don't feel bad for sticking to your guns on this if you feel strongly about it.

Good luck! And welcome to the TPR board

Thank you so much!

We are in Cali; I know that it is legal here but not sure of much beyond that. I will look into it (adding it to my list)! I appreciate your advice about the multiples. Thinking about carrying twins is a whole different ballgame, and I think I might have to tell her that I don't want to do that. I'm still considering it but very strongly leaning towards no.

starshineamator · July 2013

GetwickMom said:

Hi, like everyone has said, Thank you, for considering giving your sister this precious gift. I'm an IP going through this process now, so I may be able to provide a different perspective. 1: from a medical standpoint I would recommend that you both see an MD to determine if GS is needed and if you would qualify. No use worrying if its not n option anyway. 2: from an emotional perspective boh couples need to see a psychologist before agreeing to this. This is standard practice and honestly, I think the familial tie makes it even more important. 3: Should you choose to move forward after doing 1 and 2, then you and the IPs need to very clearly define who gets to make what decisions and what those decisions may be. For example: I'm very fortunate to live in a country that has very strong rights for the IPs. Once the contract is signed and approved by a judge, the law does not recognize the GS's right to make any decisions regarding the pregnancy unless her life is in danger. From the time the embryo is implanted ALL of her OB/Gyn info is open to me and DH. While that may sound harsh, for me it's the only way that I could do this because even if its "cooking" in someone else's womb it's still "my" baby. So be very open about your limits on things like multiples, birth methods, finding out gender, sharing medical information etc. because I can tell you that after being on this IF ride and finally coming to terms with never being pregnant, this is a very emotionally charged experience for IPs and no one needs any more pain. Good luck!

1- Good point. Since we are doing this privately and not through a service, could they tell me that I'm not a candidate to carry their baby, despite having carried a pregnancy with no risks/complications myself? I know with services they typically check your BMI, but when you are looking to do IVF for yourself they don't, right? I haven't gotten my weight quite back down to where I'd like it, so I'm concerned about that.

2- I'm glad you mentioned that, because it is definitely something I've been thinking about for myself, that I'd like to see a psychologist before moving forward just in case, even though I don't have any particular issues in mind.

3- I completely understand. I have no problem with them having access to any/all information, being there for the birth, catching the baby, etc., but I do have some things that I am not comfortable with (i.e. terminating, birth method, multiples) so we will be sure to go over all that in detail. The last thing I want to do is cause them any more pain!!

I really appreciate all of the comments so far, and would love to hear from anyone else!

Mama-Bear · August 2013

starshineamator said:

Mama-Bear said:

Wow, there's a lot in your post. First, are you ok if you lose your fertility, it can and does happen (I know you said you'll probably only have 1, if you lose your fertility that choice will be made for you). That's great that you've both already discussed this, so often well meaning women jump the gun and just assume that the other party has a uterine issue or would even be comfortable with another woman carrying her baby. Look over your insurance plan and see what your exclusions are, many have an exclusion for the IP (Intended Parents stating that their insurance won't pay for a surrogate) but will pay for the surrogate once she's pregnant (not all, but this is how many are). Definitely have to have the support of your husbands, there's absolutely NO way you can move forward without everyone being 100% on board. As far as a natural cycle, none of them are totally med free, your BIL/SIL will have to find an RE that's comfortable doing a natural cycle and you'll all have to decide if you're comfortable with his protocol. If you're not comfortable carrying two, DON'T TRANSFER TWO, (never transfer more than you're willing to carry, and there's always the chance of a splitter). What are you thoughts on termination/reduction, what are theirs? LEGAL matters, you each need your own attorney and this is their cost, there are enough places to save money, this is NOT one of those places. Whether your financially compensated or not, everyone needs to be protected (even the baby). Will they be supportive of your birthing choices, it's your body, but it's their baby, they need to feel that their baby will be delivered safely. Has your SIL fully accepted that her inability to carry (assuming her RE says that's the issue, of course all of this is moot if he doesn't think it's a uterine issue)? I spoke to some PIP's (potential IP's) when I first started and decided not to match with them because it was still so raw for the PIM, she couldn't talk about her IF, she had to have her DH say why they needed a GS because it was too painful for her to talk about. Just from the bit you posted I would assume she's ok with it since the two of you have already discussed, but I just wanted to throw that out there.

*not to nit pick, but you don't "implant" embies, your transfer them and pray they implant.

Thank you for all of your advice. I haven't looked into the insurance yet, that's on my list of things to do. Our insurance is pretty good but kind of annoying- they told me they'd cover my midwife and home birth 90% and when we submitted the claim, they only covered 25%, so I'm fighting with them over that at the moment. Not entirely confident they'd give us an answer that would stick when it comes down to it. But are you suggesting that I'd somehow possibly be covered under THEIR insurance?

I am ok with losing my fertility - we are pretty set on just having the one. May I ask, what exactly could cause that? Just curious because I don't know much about the procedures. On the same token, thank you for correcting my terminology! As I said, I am brand new to all of this, so I appreciate it!

So we both get an attorney, and we ask them to pay for ours? Spouse and I definitely want to have a lawyer and make sure things don't get messy, but I wasn't sure how that worked with cost. We can't afford to be paying anything oop for this, but we aren't asking them for additional payment over just covering the costs of everything pregnancy-related.

I'm not sure it is a uterine issue- she's always been open with me about their IF and that's why I felt comfortable bringing it up at all. But I don't know all of the details, obviously. So if they say it isn't a uterine issue, even though she hasn't been able to carry a pregnancy, they won't let us do it? Is that right?

No, their insurance wouldn't cover you. Just call your insurance company and ask for your benefits packaging laying out what exactly is covered.

There are so many things that could cause you to lose your fertility. You could hemorrhage after birth and need an emergency hysterectomy (I was actually speaking to an indy PIP that carried her first but hemorrhaged and need a surro for her 2nd and was looking for another to carry her 3rd). I know a surro that needed an emergency hysterectomy when she was 15w pregnant, she lost her fertility and her IP's lost their baby (and she was doing surrogacy to save money for a tubal reversal). You could have issues post birth and need an ablation which turns your ute into scar tissue and make it impossible for an embie to implant.

Yes, you both get SEPARATE attorneys and THEY pay for yours. You pay for NOTHING. It may be awkward to bring up if they don't know what their financial responsibilities are, but they are to pay for you medical, your maternity clothes, your PNV (or any meds needed for your pg, I had a UTI that my OB said I was at higher risk of getting because of the pg and they were responsible for paying for my antibiotics). You should get a monthly allowance to cover mileage to/from your doctors appointments, if you need to buy pantyliners, etc. Any costs that you wouldn't normally incur but do because of the pregnancy (other than additional food) is their cost. It may feel like your nickel and diming them, but you're (hypothetically) giving them the gift of a child, this should not cost you anything.

CA is very surrogacy friendly, it's a great state to carry/deliver in. It seems like IL, TX, FL, and CA are the best from what I've seen.

Psych testing is a good idea. I had to take the MMPI2, you'd have to be a total nut to fail it, but after passing it I spoke to the psychologist through my agency and it was nice to answer the questions she was asking, it wasn't a pointless as the MMPI.

Good luck to you and them. Hopefully all of this is pointless and she'll be able to carry her baby. My FIM (former intended mother) was upset at the very beginning that she couldn't carry her pregnancy (she has a condition and it would've been fatal). Her doc asked her if she wanted to be pregnant or wanted to be a mother. By the time we matched she had a great attitude about all of it. I know she would've loved to have carried her little boy, but she never came off as resentful or upset. If you do carry for your SIL, make sure that she's really accepted it.

starshineamator · August 2013

Mama-Bear said:

starshineamator said:

Mama-Bear said:

Wow, there's a lot in your post. First, are you ok if you lose your fertility, it can and does happen (I know you said you'll probably only have 1, if you lose your fertility that choice will be made for you). That's great that you've both already discussed this, so often well meaning women jump the gun and just assume that the other party has a uterine issue or would even be comfortable with another woman carrying her baby. Look over your insurance plan and see what your exclusions are, many have an exclusion for the IP (Intended Parents stating that their insurance won't pay for a surrogate) but will pay for the surrogate once she's pregnant (not all, but this is how many are). Definitely have to have the support of your husbands, there's absolutely NO way you can move forward without everyone being 100% on board. As far as a natural cycle, none of them are totally med free, your BIL/SIL will have to find an RE that's comfortable doing a natural cycle and you'll all have to decide if you're comfortable with his protocol. If you're not comfortable carrying two, DON'T TRANSFER TWO, (never transfer more than you're willing to carry, and there's always the chance of a splitter). What are you thoughts on termination/reduction, what are theirs? LEGAL matters, you each need your own attorney and this is their cost, there are enough places to save money, this is NOT one of those places. Whether your financially compensated or not, everyone needs to be protected (even the baby). Will they be supportive of your birthing choices, it's your body, but it's their baby, they need to feel that their baby will be delivered safely. Has your SIL fully accepted that her inability to carry (assuming her RE says that's the issue, of course all of this is moot if he doesn't think it's a uterine issue)? I spoke to some PIP's (potential IP's) when I first started and decided not to match with them because it was still so raw for the PIM, she couldn't talk about her IF, she had to have her DH say why they needed a GS because it was too painful for her to talk about. Just from the bit you posted I would assume she's ok with it since the two of you have already discussed, but I just wanted to throw that out there.

*not to nit pick, but you don't "implant" embies, your transfer them and pray they implant.

Thank you for all of your advice. I haven't looked into the insurance yet, that's on my list of things to do. Our insurance is pretty good but kind of annoying- they told me they'd cover my midwife and home birth 90% and when we submitted the claim, they only covered 25%, so I'm fighting with them over that at the moment. Not entirely confident they'd give us an answer that would stick when it comes down to it. But are you suggesting that I'd somehow possibly be covered under THEIR insurance?

I am ok with losing my fertility - we are pretty set on just having the one. May I ask, what exactly could cause that? Just curious because I don't know much about the procedures. On the same token, thank you for correcting my terminology! As I said, I am brand new to all of this, so I appreciate it!

So we both get an attorney, and we ask them to pay for ours? Spouse and I definitely want to have a lawyer and make sure things don't get messy, but I wasn't sure how that worked with cost. We can't afford to be paying anything oop for this, but we aren't asking them for additional payment over just covering the costs of everything pregnancy-related.

I'm not sure it is a uterine issue- she's always been open with me about their IF and that's why I felt comfortable bringing it up at all. But I don't know all of the details, obviously. So if they say it isn't a uterine issue, even though she hasn't been able to carry a pregnancy, they won't let us do it? Is that right?

No, their insurance wouldn't cover you. Just call your insurance company and ask for your benefits packaging laying out what exactly is covered.

There are so many things that could cause you to lose your fertility. You could hemorrhage after birth and need an emergency hysterectomy (I was actually speaking to an indy PIP that carried her first but hemorrhaged and need a surro for her 2nd and was looking for another to carry her 3rd). I know a surro that needed an emergency hysterectomy when she was 15w pregnant, she lost her fertility and her IP's lost their baby (and she was doing surrogacy to save money for a tubal reversal). You could have issues post birth and need an ablation which turns your ute into scar tissue and make it impossible for an embie to implant.

Yes, you both get SEPARATE attorneys and THEY pay for yours. You pay for NOTHING. It may be awkward to bring up if they don't know what their financial responsibilities are, but they are to pay for you medical, your maternity clothes, your PNV (or any meds needed for your pg, I had a UTI that my OB said I was at higher risk of getting because of the pg and they were responsible for paying for my antibiotics). You should get a monthly allowance to cover mileage to/from your doctors appointments, if you need to buy pantyliners, etc. Any costs that you wouldn't normally incur but do because of the pregnancy (other than additional food) is their cost. It may feel like your nickel and diming them, but you're (hypothetically) giving them the gift of a child, this should not cost you anything.

CA is very surrogacy friendly, it's a great state to carry/deliver in. It seems like IL, TX, FL, and CA are the best from what I've seen.

Psych testing is a good idea. I had to take the MMPI2, you'd have to be a total nut to fail it, but after passing it I spoke to the psychologist through my agency and it was nice to answer the questions she was asking, it wasn't a pointless as the MMPI.

Good luck to you and them. Hopefully all of this is pointless and she'll be able to carry her baby. My FIM (former intended mother) was upset at the very beginning that she couldn't carry her pregnancy (she has a condition and it would've been fatal). Her doc asked her if she wanted to be pregnant or wanted to be a mother. By the time we matched she had a great attitude about all of it. I know she would've loved to have carried her little boy, but she never came off as resentful or upset. If you do carry for your SIL, make sure that she's really accepted it.

Ahhh ok I see, re: insurance.

All of those things you mentioned could happen in any pregnancy though, there isn't a heightened risk in a surrogacy correct?

I'm really glad you spelled all that out about the costs- I hadn't thought of everything you said here but those are really good points! I think I'll be able to talk to them about it in a way that they understand I'm not trying to take their money, just do this without incurring any costs that would negatively affect me and my family because they were unplanned for.

I'm definitely going to figure out a way to have us all cleared by a psychologist before proceeding. I want to make sure that they are ok with it (not having her carry their baby) - I believe that they are, as their desire for children is much stronger than their desire to be pregnant, but having someone else confirm that we are all in the right mind set would really make me feel more confident about the whole thing. I do know that she's come a long way- I was terrified to tell her about my pregnancy, actually, because the last time we had spoken about it she had made a comment to me that came down to "please don't get pregnant!". But by maybe 6 months after that, she had started to joke about not being able to have a baby and had really come a long way, and when I did tell her I was pregnant, she was nothing but thrilled and excited and happy for me, and I could tell how genuine she was. I was expecting it to be difficult for her, but not one time did she get upset or harbor any negative feelings towards me because of it. I do think that this is their last chance to have a biological child- she told me that she can't go through IVF again, after all the times they've done it and she's had a positive pregnancy test just to lose it shortly thereafter, it is too much for her to do it again. I don't blame her at all.

So if her RE says that she doesn't have a uterine issue, does that automatically mean that I can't carry their child, even though she hasn't been able to carry a pregnancy over the last 5+ years?

Thank you again for all of your wonderful advice. I really appreciate it!!

Mama-Bear · August 2013

starshineamator said:

Mama-Bear said:

starshineamator said:

Mama-Bear said:

Wow, there's a lot in your post. First, are you ok if you lose your fertility, it can and does happen (I know you said you'll probably only have 1, if you lose your fertility that choice will be made for you). That's great that you've both already discussed this, so often well meaning women jump the gun and just assume that the other party has a uterine issue or would even be comfortable with another woman carrying her baby. Look over your insurance plan and see what your exclusions are, many have an exclusion for the IP (Intended Parents stating that their insurance won't pay for a surrogate) but will pay for the surrogate once she's pregnant (not all, but this is how many are). Definitely have to have the support of your husbands, there's absolutely NO way you can move forward without everyone being 100% on board. As far as a natural cycle, none of them are totally med free, your BIL/SIL will have to find an RE that's comfortable doing a natural cycle and you'll all have to decide if you're comfortable with his protocol. If you're not comfortable carrying two, DON'T TRANSFER TWO, (never transfer more than you're willing to carry, and there's always the chance of a splitter). What are you thoughts on termination/reduction, what are theirs? LEGAL matters, you each need your own attorney and this is their cost, there are enough places to save money, this is NOT one of those places. Whether your financially compensated or not, everyone needs to be protected (even the baby). Will they be supportive of your birthing choices, it's your body, but it's their baby, they need to feel that their baby will be delivered safely. Has your SIL fully accepted that her inability to carry (assuming her RE says that's the issue, of course all of this is moot if he doesn't think it's a uterine issue)? I spoke to some PIP's (potential IP's) when I first started and decided not to match with them because it was still so raw for the PIM, she couldn't talk about her IF, she had to have her DH say why they needed a GS because it was too painful for her to talk about. Just from the bit you posted I would assume she's ok with it since the two of you have already discussed, but I just wanted to throw that out there.

*not to nit pick, but you don't "implant" embies, your transfer them and pray they implant.

Thank you for all of your advice. I haven't looked into the insurance yet, that's on my list of things to do. Our insurance is pretty good but kind of annoying- they told me they'd cover my midwife and home birth 90% and when we submitted the claim, they only covered 25%, so I'm fighting with them over that at the moment. Not entirely confident they'd give us an answer that would stick when it comes down to it. But are you suggesting that I'd somehow possibly be covered under THEIR insurance?

I am ok with losing my fertility - we are pretty set on just having the one. May I ask, what exactly could cause that? Just curious because I don't know much about the procedures. On the same token, thank you for correcting my terminology! As I said, I am brand new to all of this, so I appreciate it!

So we both get an attorney, and we ask them to pay for ours? Spouse and I definitely want to have a lawyer and make sure things don't get messy, but I wasn't sure how that worked with cost. We can't afford to be paying anything oop for this, but we aren't asking them for additional payment over just covering the costs of everything pregnancy-related.

I'm not sure it is a uterine issue- she's always been open with me about their IF and that's why I felt comfortable bringing it up at all. But I don't know all of the details, obviously. So if they say it isn't a uterine issue, even though she hasn't been able to carry a pregnancy, they won't let us do it? Is that right?

No, their insurance wouldn't cover you. Just call your insurance company and ask for your benefits packaging laying out what exactly is covered.

There are so many things that could cause you to lose your fertility. You could hemorrhage after birth and need an emergency hysterectomy (I was actually speaking to an indy PIP that carried her first but hemorrhaged and need a surro for her 2nd and was looking for another to carry her 3rd). I know a surro that needed an emergency hysterectomy when she was 15w pregnant, she lost her fertility and her IP's lost their baby (and she was doing surrogacy to save money for a tubal reversal). You could have issues post birth and need an ablation which turns your ute into scar tissue and make it impossible for an embie to implant.

Yes, you both get SEPARATE attorneys and THEY pay for yours. You pay for NOTHING. It may be awkward to bring up if they don't know what their financial responsibilities are, but they are to pay for you medical, your maternity clothes, your PNV (or any meds needed for your pg, I had a UTI that my OB said I was at higher risk of getting because of the pg and they were responsible for paying for my antibiotics). You should get a monthly allowance to cover mileage to/from your doctors appointments, if you need to buy pantyliners, etc. Any costs that you wouldn't normally incur but do because of the pregnancy (other than additional food) is their cost. It may feel like your nickel and diming them, but you're (hypothetically) giving them the gift of a child, this should not cost you anything.

CA is very surrogacy friendly, it's a great state to carry/deliver in. It seems like IL, TX, FL, and CA are the best from what I've seen.

Psych testing is a good idea. I had to take the MMPI2, you'd have to be a total nut to fail it, but after passing it I spoke to the psychologist through my agency and it was nice to answer the questions she was asking, it wasn't a pointless as the MMPI.

Good luck to you and them. Hopefully all of this is pointless and she'll be able to carry her baby. My FIM (former intended mother) was upset at the very beginning that she couldn't carry her pregnancy (she has a condition and it would've been fatal). Her doc asked her if she wanted to be pregnant or wanted to be a mother. By the time we matched she had a great attitude about all of it. I know she would've loved to have carried her little boy, but she never came off as resentful or upset. If you do carry for your SIL, make sure that she's really accepted it.

Ahhh ok I see, re: insurance.

All of those things you mentioned could happen in any pregnancy though, there isn't a heightened risk in a surrogacy correct?

I'm really glad you spelled all that out about the costs- I hadn't thought of everything you said here but those are really good points! I think I'll be able to talk to them about it in a way that they understand I'm not trying to take their money, just do this without incurring any costs that would negatively affect me and my family because they were unplanned for.

I'm definitely going to figure out a way to have us all cleared by a psychologist before proceeding. I want to make sure that they are ok with it (not having her carry their baby) - I believe that they are, as their desire for children is much stronger than their desire to be pregnant, but having someone else confirm that we are all in the right mind set would really make me feel more confident about the whole thing. I do know that she's come a long way- I was terrified to tell her about my pregnancy, actually, because the last time we had spoken about it she had made a comment to me that came down to "please don't get pregnant!". But by maybe 6 months after that, she had started to joke about not being able to have a baby and had really come a long way, and when I did tell her I was pregnant, she was nothing but thrilled and excited and happy for me, and I could tell how genuine she was. I was expecting it to be difficult for her, but not one time did she get upset or harbor any negative feelings towards me because of it. I do think that this is their last chance to have a biological child- she told me that she can't go through IVF again, after all the times they've done it and she's had a positive pregnancy test just to lose it shortly thereafter, it is too much for her to do it again. I don't blame her at all.

So if her RE says that she doesn't have a uterine issue, does that automatically mean that I can't carry their child, even though she hasn't been able to carry a pregnancy over the last 5+ years?

Thank you again for all of your wonderful advice. I really appreciate it!!

Yes, you could lose your fertility during any pg, there's not a heightened risk during surrogacy, it's just that you shouldn't take on that risk for someone else if you're not finished with your own children.

If the RE says it's not a uterine issue, you'd have to talk to him and your IL's and see if they still wanted you to transfer and if the RE will agree.

Good luck with your decision, good luck to your IL's, I can't imagine the pain of several failed IVF's and even a successful then losing the pregnancy. My FIP's couldn't even attempt to get pg and there was great risk to even do the ER.

JM1977 · August 2013

So if her RE says that she doesn't have a uterine issue, does that automatically mean that I can't carry their child, even though she hasn't been able to carry a pregnancy over the last 5+ years?

You are wonderful for considering doing this, and it's clear you're putting a lot of thought into it. This has the potential of being an amazing gift!

Re: the uterine issue. It's very possible that her problem could be related to her egg quality/quantity and not to a problem with implantation in her uterus. In the case of an egg issue, she would most likely be in need of an egg donor and not a GC. So I think that would be the biggest question - has she had a lot of good quality embryos that just haven't implanted (or had repeated miscarriages), or did they have a low number of embryos or poor quality embryos (which would suggest an egg or sperm issue).

I wish you the best with everything!